I chose NOT to press charges - though please note it could be out of my hands anyway (though without a witness - me - willing to stand up in court, who knows).
You are all going to tell me I'm making a HUGE mistake.
Your wife is an abuser and you are the abused.
Your story is a textbook version of what it *looks* like.
It's hard and heartbreaking to *watch*.
I don't really believe that your wife has been a great wife. She *seemed* that way because you were following her plan and not getting in her way. Emotional abuse doesn't have to be evidenced by a person screaming about what a POS you are on a daily basis. It typically starts small and snowballs -- such as when an 'abuser' gets called out on inappropriate behavior (such as staying out drinking with friends til all hours of the night on a regular basis) and reacts by making the situation <somehow> the abused's fault (for being too controlling, jealous, not *loving* the abuser enough, etc.). Each instance like this, leads to even more abusive behavior from the abuser over time.....you become *conditioned* to accept worse and worse treatment -- oftentimes without even realizing what is truly happening. You become the proverbial frog in the pot of water.
When the abused person begins attempting to stop the abuse, it doesn't sit well with the abuser. And the situation becomes more dire. At first, the abuser may 'back off' in a manipulative effort to lull the abused back into acquiescent mode. When the abused person continues to call the abuser out, there will typically be some type of escalation as the abuser sees that his/her typical methods of keeping you in line are no longer 'working' and so other methods will emerge.
And there are instances where, when all emotional manipulation tactics have been exhausted -- the abuser will escalate to becoming physical.
Does ^^^that look familiar to you, saveus?
If you do not agree to testify as a witness, after calling the police yourself, do you believe that your wife will stop?
Read the statistics.....she won't. From what I'm *reading* of the situation, I think she'll become much, much worse.
By not following through with the charges that you instigated, you are enabling her abusive behavior to continue. You are not punishing her, you are protecting yourself and roundaboutly, attempting to *help* her.
Also by instigating charges and then backing off, you are doing a disservice to 'the system'. Domestic abuse victims have a very hard time with 'the system' because it is so well-known that many of these victims refuse to cooperate. Can you imagine how hard and disheartening it is for a person who WANTS to help you (cop, DA), to be turned away and have to watch you re-enter the situation while 'knowing' that nothing has changed and they'll most likely *see* you again in the not so distant future? Many people are upset because cops/DA's seem so cynical when it comes to DA situations, but it would be hard not to become cynical when faced with victims who refuse to help themselves. (**stepping off my soapbox now**)
Please re-consider your decision about not working with the authorities on this.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
The reason I come and give advice on these forums is because atone stage I was kind of like OP. I'm not going to address him because quite frankly x number of pages and he still somehow doesn't get it or refuses to. I believe he is an intelligent man so he chooses to refuse to, as is he right.
I wish there was some kind of resource like this back in the day. I knew I was being led down the wrong path but I had zero people to talk to about it. I have no doubt if I had posted my story by page 4 I would have clued up and GTFO.
I did eventually get it and when I did, my tolerance for any BS shrunk to the size of a peanut.
He keeps moving that boundary back further and further...if she does this he will file, if she doesn't get it he will file.
Gently: He is addicted to this drama in his life because outwardly he thinks it gives him purpose and also putting the onus on someone else to fix this. Because he simply can't do it himself or he is afraid to.
He keeps looking at her. Maybe it's time to look at himself because if this is not THE eye opener for him what will it take? Him or her going to jail or something worse.
Time to start owning it.
One other worrisome thought, I don't know how your legal system deals with these sorts of things. I believe that here, if there are continued calls to the police, they can take your son and place him with relatives.
But we have a difficult and at times messed up social services system here that can make unpopular decisions.
You should also consider that when weighing whether or not to file Monday.
Let us know how you're doing.
I'm new to posting on your thread. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this new turn of events. Please hear me out:
My mother was emotionally abusive toward my father( she's NPD) she viewed love as a tool that was used in bargaining. If you loved me, you'd _____. Were the kind of things she used to say to him. She treated him with such contempt, that by the time I was 7, I knew my dad would be better off away from him.
One night they were playing cards with 2 other couples, drinking and discussing politics. My mom and my dad got into a verbal argument and it escalated, she put a steak knife thru the back of his chair, and went after him. The 2 other couples had to pull my mother off my father. The other couples took my dad home with them -it was a Friday night. I was 9 with brothers 7&5. He came back on Sunday morning, we all went to church - nothing was said. And nothing changed for them.
For the kids, it changed ALOT. I was daddy's little girl, I bore her anger at my dad when he wasn't around to take her punishment ( when he was at work). It lasted till I grabbed her weapon of choice and started fighting back - hitting her as she hit me. I was in my middle teens at the time.
I was 9 or 10 when she started hitting me with more than her hand. I was precious to my dad, once she got violent with him, I also became her target.
Your son is precious to you, he is only 5, please do what you can to force her into therapy for help. Your son needs a healthy mom.
Things WILL get better for you and your son.
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
It's upsetting that this has happened, that things have gone this far. The only person who can control this is you. Make yourself your number one priority, and then you can look after your son. Make sure that you fully inform the solicitor of the latest incident so that you can apply for sole custody.
If you should find yourself up in the Peak Park, send me a PM and we'll meet for a beer/coffee.
You are not alone. You can get through this.
Have you read in I Can Relate the NPD thread? While not all NPD resort to violence, all domestic violators fall on the NPD spectrum.
Check it out.
For those who may have missed it, she broke his i-Phone, so if he's not in the house, he may not have access to a computer right now. Hope to hear from you soon. Sending you SI Mojo!
[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 4:29 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]
― Maya Angelou
[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 5:49 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]
Give us an update when you are ready, but more importantly, let us know how you are. We are concerned for you.
Whilst the police were here, my WW was shouting things like, 'see, you've done it now', 'they're going to take our boy away now' etc. She accused me of orchestrating the whole thing - she almost insinuated that I was acting on advice (who from, a solicitor, the CAB????????) and getting her into trouble so that any D pans out better for me.
If you and your wife end up in the same house again you should consider having a VAR on you at all times. A number of WW have tried to orchestrate violence (so that they can have the husband thrown out) only to lose control themselves when the husband didn't take the bait.
I hope you are taking care of yourself.
Just reread other replies and JDuff says this much better in his post on the previous page.
[This message edited by Freeme at 7:01 AM, June 9th (Monday)]
I know you don't like being told there are things you need to do. I get that. But there's a difference between surviving infidelity (which we can help with, but the "need to dos" aren't as strong) and just plain surviving.
Make no mistake about this, your wife is coming around to a position of battle. This may well also involve the OM. The OM felt pressure for the first time when people found out at the club, and they weren't happy about it. So where did he turn? To your wife. And you saw the result.
Your instinct right now is to try and ignore this and let her do her thing. But it's just going to keep escalating. You won't make friends with her by not pressing charges. You won't make friends with her by allowing her to take whatever position she wants. You've tried drawing lines in the sand and she crosses them. So you draw new lines in the sand and she knows you're not serious.
This is about survival now. I just hope you're not already in trouble and have lost your son, because they are playing for keeps and you aren't.
[This message edited by Red Sox Nation at 8:13 AM, June 9th (Monday)]
Please check in and let us know you are okay.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys