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Newest Member: madattheworld (45057)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: Two weeks in, mood swings & a very defensive WW
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I chose NOT to press charges - though please note it could be out of my hands anyway (though without a witness - me - willing to stand up in court, who knows).

You are all going to tell me I'm making a HUGE mistake.

Saveus, are you able to realize that you're in an abusive relationship? (If your first reaction to my question is "yea, but" then that means that your answer is No.)

Your wife is an abuser and you are the abused.
Your story is a textbook version of what it *looks* like.
It's hard and heartbreaking to *watch*.

I don't really believe that your wife has been a great wife. She *seemed* that way because you were following her plan and not getting in her way. Emotional abuse doesn't have to be evidenced by a person screaming about what a POS you are on a daily basis. It typically starts small and snowballs -- such as when an 'abuser' gets called out on inappropriate behavior (such as staying out drinking with friends til all hours of the night on a regular basis) and reacts by making the situation <somehow> the abused's fault (for being too controlling, jealous, not *loving* the abuser enough, etc.). Each instance like this, leads to even more abusive behavior from the abuser over time.....you become *conditioned* to accept worse and worse treatment -- oftentimes without even realizing what is truly happening. You become the proverbial frog in the pot of water.

When the abused person begins attempting to stop the abuse, it doesn't sit well with the abuser. And the situation becomes more dire. At first, the abuser may 'back off' in a manipulative effort to lull the abused back into acquiescent mode. When the abused person continues to call the abuser out, there will typically be some type of escalation as the abuser sees that his/her typical methods of keeping you in line are no longer 'working' and so other methods will emerge.
And there are instances where, when all emotional manipulation tactics have been exhausted -- the abuser will escalate to becoming physical.

Does ^^^that look familiar to you, saveus?

If you do not agree to testify as a witness, after calling the police yourself, do you believe that your wife will stop?
Read the statistics.....she won't. From what I'm *reading* of the situation, I think she'll become much, much worse.

By not following through with the charges that you instigated, you are enabling her abusive behavior to continue. You are not punishing her, you are protecting yourself and roundaboutly, attempting to *help* her.
Also by instigating charges and then backing off, you are doing a disservice to 'the system'. Domestic abuse victims have a very hard time with 'the system' because it is so well-known that many of these victims refuse to cooperate. Can you imagine how hard and disheartening it is for a person who WANTS to help you (cop, DA), to be turned away and have to watch you re-enter the situation while 'knowing' that nothing has changed and they'll most likely *see* you again in the not so distant future? Many people are upset because cops/DA's seem so cynical when it comes to DA situations, but it would be hard not to become cynical when faced with victims who refuse to help themselves. (**stepping off my soapbox now**)

Please re-consider your decision about not working with the authorities on this.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quite frankly man even after this he is still looking at it as an opportunity for some kind of R.
In a sad way it's kind of bemusing.

The reason I come and give advice on these forums is because atone stage I was kind of like OP. I'm not going to address him because quite frankly x number of pages and he still somehow doesn't get it or refuses to. I believe he is an intelligent man so he chooses to refuse to, as is he right.

I wish there was some kind of resource like this back in the day. I knew I was being led down the wrong path but I had zero people to talk to about it. I have no doubt if I had posted my story by page 4 I would have clued up and GTFO.

I did eventually get it and when I did, my tolerance for any BS shrunk to the size of a peanut.

He keeps moving that boundary back further and further...if she does this he will file, if she doesn't get it he will file.

Gently: He is addicted to this drama in his life because outwardly he thinks it gives him purpose and also putting the onus on someone else to fix this. Because he simply can't do it himself or he is afraid to.

He keeps looking at her. Maybe it's time to look at himself because if this is not THE eye opener for him what will it take? Him or her going to jail or something worse.

Time to start owning it.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU need a NC letter from WW. She's already hit you. Let her take a few swings at OM.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

saveus? What's happening?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^ yep. been checking on and off all day. Still here Saveus. Hope all is well with you.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, hope you're having a peaceful night...

One other worrisome thought, I don't know how your legal system deals with these sorts of things. I believe that here, if there are continued calls to the police, they can take your son and place him with relatives.

But we have a difficult and at times messed up social services system here that can make unpopular decisions.

You should also consider that when weighing whether or not to file Monday.

Let us know how you're doing.


Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jun 2002
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus,

I'm new to posting on your thread. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this new turn of events. Please hear me out:

My mother was emotionally abusive toward my father( she's NPD) she viewed love as a tool that was used in bargaining. If you loved me, you'd _____. Were the kind of things she used to say to him. She treated him with such contempt, that by the time I was 7, I knew my dad would be better off away from him.

One night they were playing cards with 2 other couples, drinking and discussing politics. My mom and my dad got into a verbal argument and it escalated, she put a steak knife thru the back of his chair, and went after him. The 2 other couples had to pull my mother off my father. The other couples took my dad home with them -it was a Friday night. I was 9 with brothers 7&5. He came back on Sunday morning, we all went to church - nothing was said. And nothing changed for them.

For the kids, it changed ALOT. I was daddy's little girl, I bore her anger at my dad when he wasn't around to take her punishment ( when he was at work). It lasted till I grabbed her weapon of choice and started fighting back - hitting her as she hit me. I was in my middle teens at the time.

I was 9 or 10 when she started hitting me with more than her hand. I was precious to my dad, once she got violent with him, I also became her target.

Your son is precious to you, he is only 5, please do what you can to force her into therapy for help. Your son needs a healthy mom.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5161 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

saveus? Update? Regardless, sending strength.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2869 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Hurthalo
♂ Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength mate. As they say, 'if you're going through hell...keep going.'

Things WILL get better for you and your son.


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping you are okay today. Please stick by your resolve and start your divorce process tomorrow. I've given you sites to go to and you can minimise your costs - both financially and emotionally.

It's upsetting that this has happened, that things have gone this far. The only person who can control this is you. Make yourself your number one priority, and then you can look after your son. Make sure that you fully inform the solicitor of the latest incident so that you can apply for sole custody.

If you should find yourself up in the Peak Park, send me a PM and we'll meet for a beer/coffee.

You are not alone. You can get through this.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus,

Have you read in I Can Relate the NPD thread? While not all NPD resort to violence, all domestic violators fall on the NPD spectrum.

Check it out.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5161 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wishing you the best during this duration of silence. Here across the pond, when there's a domestic disturbance call, particularly with evident injuries, in certain states, they take both parties to jail...hope it's different there & you just grabbed your son & took off for the hills.

For those who may have missed it, she broke his i-Phone, so if he's not in the house, he may not have access to a computer right now. Hope to hear from you soon. Sending you SI Mojo!

[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 4:29 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3251 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, here is that song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScfUfsUlGro

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 5:49 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 980 | Registered: Feb 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are better days ahead, saveus. All journeys of a thousand miles start with the first step.

Give us an update when you are ready, but more importantly, let us know how you are. We are concerned for you.

Hugs
UKg xx


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whilst the police were here, my WW was shouting things like, 'see, you've done it now', 'they're going to take our boy away now' etc. She accused me of orchestrating the whole thing - she almost insinuated that I was acting on advice (who from, a solicitor, the CAB????????) and getting her into trouble so that any D pans out better for me.

If you and your wife end up in the same house again you should consider having a VAR on you at all times. A number of WW have tried to orchestrate violence (so that they can have the husband thrown out) only to lose control themselves when the husband didn't take the bait.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Just reread other replies and JDuff says this much better in his post on the previous page.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:01 AM, June 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, there are a minimum of things you need to do right now to protect yourself and your son. Carry a VAR at all times. Press charges over this incident.

I know you don't like being told there are things you need to do. I get that. But there's a difference between surviving infidelity (which we can help with, but the "need to dos" aren't as strong) and just plain surviving.

Make no mistake about this, your wife is coming around to a position of battle. This may well also involve the OM. The OM felt pressure for the first time when people found out at the club, and they weren't happy about it. So where did he turn? To your wife. And you saw the result.

Your instinct right now is to try and ignore this and let her do her thing. But it's just going to keep escalating. You won't make friends with her by not pressing charges. You won't make friends with her by allowing her to take whatever position she wants. You've tried drawing lines in the sand and she crosses them. So you draw new lines in the sand and she knows you're not serious.

This is about survival now. I just hope you're not already in trouble and have lost your son, because they are playing for keeps and you aren't.

[This message edited by Red Sox Nation at 8:13 AM, June 9th (Monday)]


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Saveus, are you ok ?



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Mar 2014
TNT1970
♂ Member
Member # 21351
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saveus, you need to change your username to saveyourself. Please read my story, my journey of infidelity started at the end of 2008, my divorce was final on Aug 23, 2012, after 2 paternity tests and threats from om. I was assaulted very badly on my birthday while leaving a restaurant. Long story short, I woke out of a coma 3 days later and couldn't remember a thing of what had happened to me. Five surgeries later to repair the 12 broken bones in my face and many months, heck, years of therapy I am finally getting back to being my old self (somewhat). My ex and the om went on to a life together with the 2 kids, only to be evicted from their apartment within 6 months of moving in, then on to living with various relatives. The ex was busted at the pharmacy trying to forge a script, got 3 years probation for that, violated probation a couple months ago, now on intensive supervised probation and house arrest with 18 months of prison time hanging over her head. "There you go om, was she all you'd hoped for?!?! This is a typical scenario for when the wayward spouse moves on to a permanent relationship with the other person, these relationships have about a 1%"survival rate past 5 years. My point is this saveus, I have already lived what you are currently going through. Did everything you are doing, nice guy, I'll wait & things will get better - THEY DONT! You are past the point of no return. She has F$#D another man, flaunted it in your face, then basically spit on you with that violent outburst. Even if you were to file D tomorrow, I'm afraid it wont have the same effect if youd have filed last month. What you need to do now is save yourself, your own manhood, your dignity - now while you still can! File immediately citing infidelity and physical abuse as grounds. I'm telling you my friend you don't wantcthiscto drag on- I can tell you from experience it will mess you up, bad! You will get custody of your son, IF YOU FILE IMMEDIATELY, THERE MAY STILL BE A SLIGHT AND I MEAN SLIGHT CHANCE FOR YOU TO WAKE HER ASS UP AND SAVE YOUR M. Please dont continue to do what I did, I sure wish there was a member who would have messaged me with the words of wisdom I am trying to give you? Enough fuckin around already, if you would like, I will give you my personal # and we can talk over the phone about your sitch- believe me when I say you are in you own fog sir, the same one I was in- you need to hear the cold hard facts from a fellow brother who has been down the road you've just started. Let's talk- I wish you well man, take care.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Toledo, Ohio
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you are lurking, saveus.

Please check in and let us know you are okay.

UKg xx


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worried about you!


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 546 | Registered: Jan 2014
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