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Reconciliation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this sex abuse?
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had creepy teachers that loved us 10 yr olds to a
Sit on his lap and constantly rubbing our backs.. It would give me panic attacks and I was the only one who knew that this teacher knew he was a pedophile. He never tried that with me.

Careful with this. To accuse someone of being a pedophile with so little evidence not only risk ruining an innocent life, but it lessons other accusations.

I understand that your opinion of him is colored by your experience with the other man you felt was creepy, but just because your gut was right then doesn't mean it always is.

Rubbing a kids back and having them sit on your lap doesn't make you a pedophile. It's consider inappropriate in our culture today, but that isn't the same as being sexually attracted to children.

If there is more to this story, then I apologize. I'm just responding to what you put here.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ITA with those who say labels aren't important. DS is 9, and an event like you described would be traumatic for him. Be wary of slipping into the "it wasn't that bad compared to others' experience" mentality. We don't consider BS "less betrayed" by a one-time ONS than a 5-year LTA. Your 10-year-old brain may not have been capable of dealing with such an adult situation, and it could've connected (or disconnected) some wires that influenced your pre-adolescent sexuality.

We also have learned it is necessary for us to expand our knowledge base with our girls......become more intentional parents as well as intentional spouses

Previous posters have written about experiences they had as children that shocked or confused them, yet they didn't speak to their parents about it. Me too. What could've been a one-time thing (had I told) became a recurring, escalating, long-term abusive situation. POS pedophile said, "This is our secret," and 6-year-old me bought it. So, from age 2 or 3, we've had age-appropriate (AFAIK) talks with our kids about anatomy, touching, grown-ups asking them to keep secrets, etc. In the past year, DS has come to us a couple times to discuss situations where he was uncomfortable or confused. Total parenting win.

I don't think we would've started those talks so early, and often, if not for the traumatic events of my childhood.

Not sure if that's what you meant by expanding your knowledge base, but yeah, I applaud that.

Wodnships: To accuse someone of being a pedophile with so little evidence not only risk ruining an innocent life, but it lessons other accusations.

Really? I'm trying to understand why you'd nit-pick her on this. She's not naming names, and said she *knew* he was a pedophile, so I assume she based it on more than an isolated backrub. Google diagnoses get thrown around all the time on SI. I don't recall seeing posters write...

Careful with this.

...in JFO when a BS labels her WS a sociopath or narcissist. Are they really, clinically? Probably not, but it's a convenient shorthand that doesn't hurt anyone, or diminish the plight of actual sociopaths.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Struggling with "how could you" today, and was hoping it might help.

Bionicgal.....it was a process. Nutshell version is that I saw my own choices, my own actions in the light of truth.

When I did this I saw how selfish and sinful I am and capable of.

Each of us have our own lists.....here are some of mine

--way I chose to act upon my DD
--choice to use porn, inviting my wife to use it too.
--came within a hair if choosing RA
--turning away from my wife (pre-A)
--invalidating her feelings to avoid facing my own feelings.
--almost assaulting OM

Most all of those would destroy my family.....most all are a product of a deceitful heart....brokenness.....own sinful nature.

We all have equal value. Sin is sin.

Hate the sin, not the sinner.


Lord know it is hard to accept this.

You are right......this is a post unto itself.

Dang.......really is better suited for a BBQ.....with beer!!!!

"Nut shelling" is not my specialty......really hope it helps you guys. You're a couple I just fel in my bones that will grow through this and lead others.

Keep the faith bionicgal!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele.

Just to say I respect your humility. God bless.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really? I'm trying to understand why you'd nit-pick her on this. She's not naming names, and said she *knew* he was a pedophile, so I assume she based it on more than an isolated backrub.

Perhaps there was more to it. And I even made a point to say "If there is more to this story, then I apologize. I'm just responding to what you put here."

Accusation are levied against good people all the time because someone has a bad feeling about someone, or don't like something they did. It's dangerous and damaging to do that. Naming names or not, to judge someone with something so disgusting without any real proof is a real problem. To speak it out loud is even worse.

Once words have been spoken they can't be taken back. We all need to be aware of this and monitor what we say.

Google diagnoses get thrown around all the time on SI. I don't recall seeing posters write...

I'm not sure exactly where you are going there, but I've objected to the pop psychology mentality on this site more then once. It is damaging for very similar reasons.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post should have a trigger warning.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slight t/j -
The therapist you described as a CSAT sounds like perhaps she may be some sort of sex therapist - but this is by no means any kind of protocol I have ever hear a real CSAT (certified sexual addiction counselor) perscribe.

Registered CSATs can be looked up by zipcode at www.sexhelp.com.

Try a real one. I really think a qualified one could truly help process this stuff effectively and helpfully for you.

Peace,

JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3630 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((blakesteele)), as the mom of two young boys I feel so much empathy for you.

Prayers for you.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake,

Wow. This matters. A lot. No, you don't have to let it define you, but it sure may be helpful in explaining a lot, so don't diminish it just yet.

Others have relayed much that I agree with, so I won't repeat their advice here. I am a CSA survivor, too, and one book I found very helpful is "The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse." (Bass and Davis) Yeah, I know it says "women," but there is tons here that could apply and you may find helpful. They define the term "abuse" very broadly, so regardless of the label, there is a lot of good stuff here - including things for your spouse to read, to help them understand you better. It's also good to read as you first start remembering things; it may help you work through some things on your own. Good fodder for IC.

Here are a few points regarding your post, that perhaps others haven't yet raised directly:

First, from what I can tell, your parents didn't give you a choice in this. They didn't say "hey Blake, you're the right age to learn about sex; would you like to talk about it now?" Rather, they waited until you were barely dressed and waylaid you, bringing you in without warning. If they were truly only teaching you, then why did they wait until you were most vulnerable (barely dressed)? Please don't underestimate the shock factor.

When I spoke to each of my three kids about sex, they came to me first with questions, and signaled they were ready to talk. I asked them if that is what they wanted. I didn't wait until they were in a state of undress themselves! Really, what was the point of that?

Second, are you sure that's all that really happened? That you're not blocking anything? You mentioned that you and your brother can't remember whole blocks of time. Keep the talks with him coming; you may piece together things that help.

Finally, and related to point two, this sounds like somewhat of a super-charged atmosphere, sexually. Please don't underestimate this impact, either. For example, once that boundary was hopped, you may next have thought it not a big deal to "play doctor" with an older male teenage neighbor because your parents inadvertently groomed you for it. As you replay Blake-as-slightly-older-teen, can you recollect anything else?

I am definitely not a "recovered memories" advocate, but I do think we naturally forget or minimize things as we move along through life. Kids can have a skewed way of viewing things.

I wish you well, and please continue to engage your wife in this; you may find her a big help. My WH has been a rock about my CSA stuff. It has really helped us bond sexually. His acceptance and comfort helped me build trust in him, believe it or not.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, 3 kids
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: DC
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moderators......I am concerned this post is too much for SI (too off target). If you agree.....please remove it.

I am sorry for its affect on others.....I posted from a state of shock.

I have talked with my brother.....he reports the same talk, possibly same summer.....same feelings.....he is 18 months older.

"To Dad.....marriage = sex. End of story".

My older brother and Dad generally talk more, get along better. He told me that his conversations with Dad reveal this is what Dads view of M. Dad is a COA......just last year I was told some horrific stories if his childhood by his sister (my aunt).

Anyway......

I will follow this trail.....multiple ways.....like I am doing with A recovery....except outside SI.

I am sorry for the raw pain it has caused others in none affair related parts of their lives. Got too comfortable with SI....lost track of the primary purpose of this quality site.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:58 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Intent does not matter.
Only the effect.

I did not intend to hurt my H.
Does that work for you?

I am sure your parents did not intend to abuse you.

But that kind of showing, touching, moistness, soft, whatever... was inappropriate. And the *effect* rewired your brain anyway.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

locking for Blake.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198282 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 52
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