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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Infidelity, divorce and job performance
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may sound weird, but every other "this may sound weird" post I've started here seems to bring out folks who do identify, so here goes...

In the days following d-day, there was no way I could have gone to work and done anything remotely productive. Luckily I have an understanding boss (he's been here before too), and I have a good group of supervisors underneath me who kept things rolling. Upon getting back to work, it was nice to have the distraction, but my head and heart wasn't fully into it. Here I sit 3+ months later, freshly divorced, and I still feel the same way. I'm not in any trouble, I do get enough done and I'm not like crying in my office or anything, but it just kind of feels like going through the motions. I could do more. I am usually the type to push myself pretty hard professionally. I guess it's fortunate that a dialed-down me is still quite productive. Still, something is missing.

It may sound really dumb, but there's this passing thought that since I am now divorced, since my M failed, that somehow I am not "worthy" of pushing myself professionally to be more successful. Like I don't have anyone to share it with, so why bother? Somewhere in my scrambled brain, personal and professional success go hand-in-hand. If I don't have it in one place, then I don't deserve it in the other. Does anyone relate?

Many have suggested that, if anything, this is the prime time to pour myself into my work more than I ever have before. I've talked to people who have been down our same road who attribute their ability to get through it all from stepping up their game at work and immersing themselves in it. I'm just rather "bleh" about it right now, but I want to snap out of this funk.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 9:40 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been a concern of mine all year. I have had conversations about it with my supervisor. I teach and a huge part of my being a successful teacher is the emotional/interpersonal piece of interacting with kids, their parents, and my colleagues. I have not been able to put the same level of heart into those interactions this year, and so I haven't felt very successful this year. My supervisor has been encouraging me to re-evaluate what I consider the essentials of my job to be. Am I meeting those essentials? She reminds me that I hold myself to a fairly high standard, so if I am still functioning within the essentials, the extra stuff I expect of myself will return when everything in my personal life settles down.

So MOS, what are your job essentials? What can you let go of, and how will you redefine success for yourself for now?


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 685 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you had a chance to get away for a week and just "recalibrate" yourself? Sometimes just being in another place away from where all the pain occurred can help you focus on yourself and what you want out of life. See new scenery, people, smell new scents of the area, taste new local food, go immerse yourself in someplace different to take your mind off the D and what your went through. Take a trip somewhere nice and treat yourself. Go it alone or take a friend along. Maybe a good road trip will do. It's even better if you don't go to the typical places like Hawaii or Vegas. Maybe Portland Oregon or even Nova Scotia. Think outside the norm.

When you start feeling good and just enjoying yourself there you may get more clarity on what is important for you and your life. You may very well get re-energized from enjoying the trip after gaining a more positive outlook in the future.

It's just a suggestion but I did this and it really helped me.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 475 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not about your worth. You have been through a SEVERE trauma. Unfortunately, society believes that we are just supposed to "get over it" and "move on" instantly. It doesn't work like that.

I found a good article on the topic:

http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html

I had just been laid off from my teaching job before D-day, and honestly, thank God. I would have been worthless in the classroom. I was practically catatonic for a year after D-day. I can't imagine if I actually had to work.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 10:01 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3337 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the world of side-effects!

No, really. Remember that part about healing taking 2-5 years, or 1 year for every 4 years of marriage, or whatever rule people make up? The actual number isn't important, it's the fact that even your professional life needs time to get back to normal. The trauma has affected ALL of your being, and the healing takes time.

I was just going through the motions, and actually ended up getting fired. Now, I can tell myself they would have fired me anyway, since it was the most political environment I've ever seen, and they fired everyone else I worked closely with the same day to put in their own cronies. But I know I wasn't the stellar performer I had been.

One other thing to consider is that while you were coming through the trauma, you've learned a great deal about yourself and about your life priorities, and about situational awareness, and about judgment. Is it possible that your new self is evaluating your job and professional life in new ways? Is what you're doing at work actually important to you? Have you come to realize that just going through the motions is enough, without getting emotionally involved in your work?


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5151 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
cantaccept
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Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to not performing up to normal.

An example, here I sit in the middle of a work day, reading and posting on SI.

I have very understanding boss and I used to be very productive and focused.

I do worry about getting fired, but somehow I just can't find the focus.

Bleh.



Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1328 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An example, here I sit in the middle of a work day, reading and posting on SI.
Guilty here as well!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3337 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
norabird
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An example, here I sit in the middle of a work day, reading and posting on SI.
Guilty here as well!

...Yep.

But you are still doing what needs to be done, MoS. Give it time and maybe some mindfulness techniques and your focus and drive will return. Don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime and keep the lines of communication open to your boss.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4139 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not D or S, but can relate to this sitch...

Maybe, MOS, you are rethinking what makes your life meaningful. Huge changes, painful or joyful, can make us reassess. This happened to me after my son was diagnosed, and again after my H's A. I have a different attitude about my work -- I'm functioning at a quite high level, enjoy my colleagues, generally like my job...but I'm actively looking for something in a field I got out of a couple decades ago, because that will be more satisfying, intellectually interesting, and meaningful to me, now.

Is your current job something that continues to feel meaningful to you? Were you already feeling some dissatisfaction before all of this?

In any case, give yourself some time to recover, and to think things through.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
slicerboy
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Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guilty of reading while at work, I was a wreck for the first couple years after dday, I just didn't care about anything

what frustrated me the most was I was surrounded by all of these people who seem to be carrying on with life and I was the only guest at my own self-pity party and I was mad that I was married to a cheater who would destroy my life this way.

those thoughts have past and I can move through the heart pains so much quicker now as I can look back and see what I survived

a broken heart takes a long time to mend


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So MOS, what are your job essentials? What can you let go of, and how will you redefine success for yourself for now?

I am a manager of 20+ people for an IT company. Really don't want to say much more on the off-chance someone should recognize me from it. I can say we're experiencing tremendous growth right now which is something I was excited about, but now I'm just kinda "eh." What that growth has down is allow me to focus on growing more leaders underneath me which benefits me and them. They're hungry to prove themselves, and therefore I can delegate more and more and serve more as an advisor of sorts. As for how I redefine success, I'm still a little hazy on that as I am many things...

Jduff - You may be onto something. I really could use a break. Between the D itself, trying to get my house fixed up and on the market, plenty of unexpected costs recently, etc. I just haven't been able to make it happen. I think I need to make this a priority one way or another.

sparkysable - Thanks for the article.

Is it possible that your new self is evaluating your job and professional life in new ways? Is what you're doing at work actually important to you? Have you come to realize that just going through the motions is enough, without getting emotionally involved in your work?

It is very possible that I'm just kind of reevaluating everything. Most of the supervisors who report to me know enough about whats been going on with me. I even used it as a bit of a lesson for them. I told then that before all of this happened, the things about work that got to me, those little annoyances and such, seem so petty and insignificant now. My point was that it's healthy and very much encouraged to constantly reevaluate what's important to you and what doesn't need as much of your time and your stress. I may be unknowingly taking my own advice, but hopefully not taking it too far.

I think even before d-day, I was starting to go through the motions more and more. My job is pretty easy, at least from a mental aspect, but there are ways to make it more mentally challenging. I just don't know that I have the drive to make it challenging again, at least not now. I ave also thought "does this position make sense for me now? Is it time to maybe slide into a whole different tole altogether?" That idea frightens me more than it excites me. I guess I'm at a point where the status quo isn't where I would want it normally, but may be best for me, at least for now. I do know I should continue to constantly reevaluate though.

For what it's worth, the passion isn't all gone. When my team succeeds, I still feel a great sense of pride. I like the direction my company is headed overall. I like most of the people I work with. I do think at some point soon I do need to get away like jduff said. Let all this "noise" die down and just think, or hell, don't think. Just "be" for a bit.

An example, here I sit in the middle of a work day, reading and posting on SI.

I do spend more time on this site than I should at work too. I kind of justify it in that when something on my mind that I can't shake, getting it out here helps me to refocus on what I actually need to do. In all seriousness, it does help me refocus on work knowing I have this outlet at my fingertips, but I can understand why not all bosses would see it that way.

Infidelity really is the gift that keeps on giving, ain't it?


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you are still doing what needs to be done, MoS. Give it time and maybe some mindfulness techniques and your focus and drive will return. Don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime and keep the lines of communication open to your boss.

My boss can be a pain at times. He's a bit too micro-managery at times which can drive me up the wall, like dude, I know what I'm doing here! That said, there are other managers that get a lot more of the "treatment" from him than I do which tells me I'm doing enough. I'm very much in a position where the less I hear from my boss, the better I'm doing. I do still keep the lines of communication open and I know I can be honest with him and he with me, so that's a good thing.

Is your current job something that continues to feel meaningful to you? Were you already feeling some dissatisfaction before all of this?

There was some dissatisfaction forming for sure, but I always asked myself "what would I rather do? Could I walk away now and be at peace with not knowing what the next chapter for my team is?" I've had offers both internally and otherwise (nice to be head-hunted when at one point, I couldn't get a job to save my life) and it all came down to "I'm not done here yet." This isn't my time to leave this team. I can't really explain it, but that feeling is still there, though a bit numbed.

a broken heart takes a long time to mend

That it does, and along with it, there's more to mend than just the heart. I wonder if that's a lot of my problem. I'm putting so much more work in on everything now (healing, the D itself, the house, time on this site, reading, counseling, etc., etc.) that I don't have anything left over for my actual job, at least for going above and beyond. I can't remember the last time I really, fully just relaxed.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 12:14 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Dadtryingtocope
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Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is me too. I'm almost 2 years out from Dday and 1 year out from my D and I am still struggling to really perform at work. I want to do better but my heart just isn't in it all day. I just lost my motivation. Add to it all the fact that sometimes I feel like I am just working to pay her (and her new spouse). They get 1/4 of my take home pay every month. If it was not for my kids I would of quit here and bolted and started my new life somewhere else. But here I sit, working away, trying to remind myself its for the good of my kids.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 507 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dopamine is the MOTIVATION neurotransmitter.

Depression/trauma seriously mess with the brain's serotonin and dopamine.


It may sound really dumb, but there's this passing thought that since I am now divorced, since my M failed, that somehow I am not "worthy" of pushing myself professionally to be more successful. Like I don't have anyone to share it with, so why bother? Somewhere in my scrambled brain, personal and professional success go hand-in-hand. If I don't have it in one place, then I don't deserve it in the other. Does anyone relate?

Common or not, don't adopt this belief. Self care includes a healthy work/life balance.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't even make it in to work today- need I say more! There goes another sick day.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Common or not, don't adopt this belief. Self care includes a healthy work/life balance.

I was hoping that typing it out would show that line of thought for what it is - not healthy. I am trying to shut those thoughts down when I recognize myself having them. Its still all pretty fresh now and I have to tell myself it'll all get better.

We all suffer loss in our lives. This most recent trauma may be he toughest I've personally faced, but there were others before that I just didn't see myself recovering from and being able to function again - but I did. When my Dad passed, it wasn't my first experience with death, but he was by far the closet person to me who I'd lost. I survived it with my career in tact though when it was all fresh, I didn't know how I was going to get past it. When my son was taken from this world before he could ever enter it, I was convinced I would never know anything resembling happiness again, I was convinced it was all downhill from there, my professional life included. Since that time, I've been promoted twice and experienced the most professional growth of my life to date. Like I said though, while those and other tragedies and losses were fresh, it was all I could do to get up and go to work for a while, let alone thrive there.

I know I can make it through heartbreak and loss a better, stronger person because I've done it before. That notion is much of what has allowed me to come as far as I have in only 3 months time, and I know I've made a TON of progress that I am proud of. Still, its only been 3 months. My divorce is just now final. My heart still very much aches. I do have some very low days, this being one of them (tends to really hit when I don't get a good night's sleep as was the case last night). During those times, I try my best to think back on how far I have come rather than focus on the daunting road ahead. I know I'm much more productive at work than I was 3 months ago. 3 months from now, who knows where I'll be at?

This 3 months have both been the longest and shortest 3 months of my life. Some aspects of it all seem like they just happened, like yesterday. Other times, it feels like d-day was a lifetime ago due to just how very much has changed, how I've changed, and much of that being positive change. I'll get back in a groove. Just now, its still very tough. Sorry for the semi-tangent there.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Newlease
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Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three months is really no time at all to process this trauma. It took me a good 2 years of therapy and ADs and I was still just going through the motions at work. Thank God I had an understanding supervisor and co-workers who helped carry the load.

The only thing in my life that brought me true joy during that period was my grandson. Having him come and stay the weekends with me gave me a reason to get out of the house and not sit like a zombie.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
Tripletrouble
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Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be very performance driven. I had just started a new job when D day happened. I had no time off, no rapport with my boss. I had to show up every stinking day, on no sleep, and with eyes swollen half shut from crying. I was useless (I have a very mathematical and detail oriented job). I still haven't really bounced back a year later. I think for me the bigger issue is a nagging, subliminal thought of who cares if this gets done? No one will remember next month but my life will still be ruined.

On a similar note to your thought that you're not worthy of career success, here is an experience I had. At one point I thought I had been given an STD. I felt so diminished and demeaned I picked up a box of open and crushed granola bars in the grocery store because I was actually thinking I wasn't worthy enough to buy an undamaged packaged.. Good grief. Thinking back on that I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

This will mess with your head. Three months is really, really not long at all to have to process what has happened. You've got to eat the elephant one bite at a time, and this is yet another bite.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 634 | Registered: May 2013
Tripletrouble
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Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oop double post

[This message edited by Tripletrouble at 4:33 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 634 | Registered: May 2013
PolyGal
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Member # 20396
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sort of do the same thing, but perhaps in reverse. With each milestone of this process, each blow, I tend to get *more* focused at work, it's the only place where I'm busy and pressured enough such that, at times, I completely forget what is going on in my personal life. I love my job, my employer, and my career, so this probably helps as well.

At home.... my house is a mess, I can barely stand to clean it, I've gained a bunch of weight, and I have no interest in socializing. The way that it has affected work is that sometimes I stay up too late ruminating or distracting myself with netflix (I was late for work for about a month once, not a huge deal since I'm salaried, but still not a good thing), and I lose patience with my coworkers more easily. I avoid answering my phone when friends call. I think they've given up on me, and I'm okay with that, which is probably weird. I'm trying to work on taking better care of myself, but I think I've fallen into some sort of depression.

I do keep my supervisor generally abreast of what is going on (not details), mainly to help ensure that if the personal stuff is making me difficult to work with (i.e. the shorter temper) and it is noticed to please let me know so I can be more conscious of my attitude, and also so that as I've needed a few hours off for counseling, documents, etc., that she would know when it needed to be supported. Ultimately, my personal shorter temper issues had no noticeable effect on my interactions (I've been very careful to keep it in check), and my supervisor has been very supportive with the times I need to leave early or come in late to deal with stuff.


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