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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Infidelity, divorce and job performance
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My work saved me during tough patches in and now out of the marriage. I love what I do and the Team I work for and with. Try to put in the effort if it is a job you normally like. The last thing you want is another stressful event like a job loss and new job search.


Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all suffer loss in our lives. This most recent trauma may be he toughest I've personally faced, but there were others before that I just didn't see myself recovering from and being able to function again - but I did. When my Dad passed, it wasn't my first experience with death, but he was by far the closet person to me who I'd lost. I survived it with my career in tact though when it was all fresh, I didn't know how I was going to get past it. When my son was taken from this world before he could ever enter it, I was convinced I would never know anything resembling happiness again, I was convinced it was all downhill from there, my professional life included. Since that time, I've been promoted twice and experienced the most professional growth of my life to date. Like I said though, while those and other tragedies and losses were fresh, it was all I could do to get up and go to work for a while, let alone thrive there.

I know I can make it through heartbreak and loss a better, stronger person because I've done it before.

MadeOfScars, just my thoughts but considering all that you've gone through and recovered from you are a very strong individual. I think that your now X just wasn't a strong individual herself to be able to measure up to you. She would rather run away than face her own personal challenges. That says a lot right there in her actions. You faced your life's crucibles and have come through. You didn't run away. You faced them. You truly do deserve better, and in the future a much stronger individual who matches your strength. You should except no less. You should demand what you deserve of yourself, because that's what's missing. Now, you can ask this most important question in your life without regard to anyone else, what do YOU want? I think once you have a better idea of what this may be I think that is when that empty feeling starts to dissipate. You'll feel like you have a purpose in your actions.

Also, consider that you didn't "lose" anything when your D was final. You didn't fail at M. There are two individuals required for a successful M, and your X was the one who bailed for her own selfish reasons. You hung in the M. If anything, you actually had an emotional lamprey, that was living off your strength, finally let go of your soul. You built your career partly for a brighter future with her. Now you are free to build it for a brighter future for you. It will be noticeable, but the challenge is to differentiate from the women who admire and respect your strength and individualism (and have their own to display) from the ones who look for a knight in shining armor. Your X looked for a KISA rather than help herself. Now you know who she is, did you really lose in this D?


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jduff. There are times I look back on how I got through those dark moments and am proud of my strength. Then, other times, it really helps to hear it from someone else. I know I am stronger than her. I know she was, as you put it, an emotional lamprey. But dammit if I didn't love her, or at least who I thought she was. I still have a hard time separating it. The brain knows, but the heart is a stubborn bastard that still holds on to what it shouldn't.

I look forward to getting to the point where I can truly just focus on what I want to do, what I want my life to be. Interests we as a couple had may or may not still be my own. I have made some steps, but I know I have a ways to go. It wasn't that long ago that the possibility of a fresh new life was far scarier than exciting. I'd say its getting closer to 50/50 now. In a few more months, who knows? One thing I do know - when I am ready to invite another woman into my heart, I will NOT settle.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 11:57 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But dammit if I didn't love her, or at least who I thought she was. I still have a hard time separating it. The brain knows, but the heart is a stubborn bastard that still holds on to what it shouldn't.

What you and her had was not a facade. It was real. I'm guessing the problem was she couldn't grow as a person herself and get past those challenges during the M. Detaching emotionally take time. It took me a while.

I look forward to getting to the point where I can truly just focus on what I want to do, what I want my life to be. Interests we as a couple had may or may not still be my own. I have made some steps, but I know I have a ways to go. It wasn't that long ago that the possibility of a fresh new life was far scarier than exciting. I'd say its getting closer to 50/50 now.

That's why I thought a trip away may help you start in this direction. If you go alone, it will be just you to think about and you won't have to be concerned about anyone else. See where your curiosity takes you, especially off the beaten path. I think you will surprise yourself. I think you will start to find yourself a little at a time.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again Jduff. Despite all the extra major expenses I've been enduring recently, like I said, I need to find a way to budget some small trip. New Orleans is not too far from here and has been calling my name for some time now.

As far as my job, I don't know that it was from getting my thoughts and concerns out here or just that I have a few new challenges on my plate now, but yesterday was a really great day for me at work. I came to the realization that my days here recently have been damn near carbon copies of each other, and that's just boring frankly. I got thrown a few new curve balls yesterday, and now I have something to think creatively about. It's exciting and absolutely a good thing. This is where I thrive - finding solutions to problems where others were unable. I think at my core, I have always been the creative problem solver type, and I'm getting to taste that again. I hope it lasts...


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New Orleans is not too far from here and has been calling my name for some time now.

Good choice! I haven't been there myself, but its definitely in my future plans. For now, I'm looking toward Seattle, then driving down to Oregon.

This is where I thrive - finding solutions to problems where others were unable.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm typically the out of the box thinker at my IT work place. It's good when that passion comes back.

Good luck with the future NO trip and glad to hear you're getting your groove back again at work.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy I compartmentalize like hell at work. If it's really slow or something really significant happened just before a shift I might allow myself just a few moments on SI. Otherwise it's game face. I'm an ER doctor so people could die if I don't focus. So far my patient satisfaction scores are high and rising. What I'm not doing is any leadership work or research but then again I need to focus on DS and his possible autism.

I think the key is faking it and really getting into character while doing so. Took a lot of drama in high school...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 27
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