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User Topic: Advice to anyone suspecting anything
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If any of you are in the really early stages of suspecting, please consider this advice:
Start stashing money. Get a prepaid credit card and start putting that $ on it. Or just stash cash. Don't be like me with finally an opportunity to catch the f*cker or at least get some answers and wish I didn't have to just take $ out of our joint acct for a PI.



Married 20 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) Just wanted to let you know that you had been heard.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4557 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advise. I. Wish I had known then what I know now!!!

Posts: 903 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Raspberry
♀ Member
Member # 42853
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great idea. I will definitely do this.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advise. I am doing it now, but I sure wish I had been doing it all along. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped now.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funds from Joint Accts can be transferred to new accounts in solely your name as well. I did that the very next morning after Dday (of course, I was completely blindsided). That money is still in solely my name 2 years out. WH knows and we are at an understanding that it will remain there as just mine for my own peace of mind, financial security. I toyed with adding his name or transferring it out to our joint account last year, but feel safer this way.

In Missouri, it seems possession is 9/10 of the law when it comes to divorce. If you have it at that time, there's a good chance you are keeping it.

BUT, I don't know about all states and all situations.

Another good idea is to get cash back when you use your debit card and stash it. $10-$40 bucks at a time at WalMart or Target won't look like anything out of the ordinary, but adds up quickly.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2012
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or transfer your cc points into cash on a prepaid card account. Some CC's have this capability.

My advice is to sit back and observe. In most states you can get a divorce without proving someone had an affair. The court doesn't care about that. But they do care about marital funds being used for the affair in the form of gifts, travel, etc. Half of those funds spent on that ho were mine.

Go through their car - especially the glove compartment. Go through all jacket pockets. They get lazy/stupid and leave evidence. Desk drawer at home? Go through it.

Also get an expandable file and make copies of every financial statement and account and stock certificate (if there are private shares held) and keep them off site - at lawyer's office or at a trusted friend's house.

You never know how they will react about something when ultimately confronted and then it might be too late to get the goods.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advise for anyone! The day I moved in with my H my grandmother gave me $100 and said "always have your own mad money account"...I think she may have had some life experiences that she hadn't shared with me in hindsight. Having an account that's just yours is always wise. I have friends who have been burned by not having something of their own tucked away.

Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
damnUnicorns
♀ Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely put aside money! A That's a lesson I'm learning now.

I stayed home our entire marriage. Now I am having a helluva time getting a job, he's taken control of the money since Dday#2 (he'll give me money for food or gas ONLY if I ASK (humiliating) and not much then. We"can't afford it". Example: I'm driving on 2 tires with the cords out they're so bald. I found used tires for $80 installed.
Yet, last weekend he takes the OW for her birthday weekend in a hotel, to dinner/lunches, gambling, etc.

I sit home with NO money.
He tells me he's "broke", but I check his pockets when he's asleep & he has over $200 in cash (was $600 before his weekend).
He doesn't know I know, but I'm tracking everything. Someday he'll pay. In spades.

Don't be me! Stuck, reeling, frustrated & screwed (for now).

Scrimp & save wherever you can. Fur your entire marriage. It's not anything bad, especially if you are working too. If you don't need escape money, you'll have some sense of security & someday can take a rocking vacation together, right?

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 10:31 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is good advice for anybody, particularly SAHMs. I have been a SAHM for about 10 years. I now work part-time in my FWH's business, but don't get a paycheck for that (to his credit, he always refers to is as "our" business). One of the requirements for R was that I have my own separate account with a stash of money in it. I don't think I will ever need it, but if I do, I will be ready. It gives me some peace of mind. In retrospect, I think it was stupid of me to ever have relied so heavily on my FWH.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1263 | Registered: Aug 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Have your own money. Always. If you don't start squirreling it away.

2. Keep your mouth shut until you have hard proof. All asking does is warn to be careful.

3. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and family when you need it.

4. Do see a lawyer, even before confrontation, even before you have proof. Know what to expect, know how to handle things.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7791 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice....In this day and age, I think everybody should have a source of income that they could survive on if they divorced. If that means not being a stay at home parent, so be it. I've seen too many people on here who have left themselves completely at the mercy of their cheating spouse. Sure, some will say their ex will have to pay cs/ss. Well, they may be ordered to, but that doesn't mean they will.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13646 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
justasinger
♂ Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bought a lock box from Walmart for 20 bucks, and have it mounted to the floor of my truck under the back seat
I do use the prepaid cards as well, but the 3 dollar a month access fee adds up after a while


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2. Keep your mouth shut until you have hard proof. All asking does is warn to be careful.

Yep.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6529 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, once you confront: Do NOT reveal how you got the information, no matter how badly you want them to know how dumb they were.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1919 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can get a lot of cash back buying a pack of gum at the grocery store with a debit card. Squirrel some money away even if you have to bury it in the yard.

If you have access to those pockets while he's sleeping. Lift some of that cash. Deny, Deny… It's the wayward way, learn and profit from it.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still squirrel money away. Guess what I'm using it for now????

Surprise trip to FL this summer. I have just set up my time off, and have NOT told the kids yet.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7791 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 17

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