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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Engaged: past affair still present
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is trying to manipulate you and he counts on you to feel bad for him instead of holding him responsible for his actions.

One of the great disservices we as BS's do for the WS is to make excuses for them and not require them to act as adults.

I firmly believe that to have any chance of saving the relationship at all you have to be strong enough and hard enough to love yourself more than you love your WS when the proverbial shit hits the fan.

You have to be willing to lose the relationship to have a hope of saving it. That means you don't make excuses for them, you don't allow them to disrespect you. You stand up and say "You do NOT get to treat me like this and I am worth love and respect." To do that you have to be willing to let them go. I was a hardass with my H in quite a few ways back after the BD.

If you don't respect yourself not to put up with this and be willing to kick him to the curb, he will never respect you enough to consider facing his failures.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to post a response but KatyaCA said it better than I could have. Read that again^^^^^


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know everything you're saying is true. I am too dependent on him. I guess I felt like we were soul mates. Like the kind of love you read about in poems . So I thought it was OK that I was so devoted to him. My whole world revolves around him. So to lose him I feel like I'd be losing a huge piece of myself.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you find the courage to even bring up the topic? When I first found out I said I was going to give him on last change to tell the truth or we were going to have a trial separation. He lied. But I didn't follow through on forcing the separation. I suddenly felt panicked. Like I'd be the one punished in the separation. I felt desperate. Like i needed him even more because I felt so bad about myself.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then it's even more important for you to do a 180 and start working on your codependency issues so that if he heals himself then you can approach a more equal relationship with him or if he doesn't and you move on that you don't end up in an equally unhealthy relationship.

Soulmates is a myth. There are 7 billion people on this planet. To think that there is only one person on the whole planet who understands us is a huge self lie that we as a society perpetuate to make us feel good. That said, you can be deeply emotionally and physically intimate with a partner and really be a great match. This isn't it. He's cheating on you, disrespecting you, disregarding you, blaming you for it and taking no ownership of his own actions. Do you want to marry a man or be with a boy? Right now, he's got a hole inside him that no amount of OW bandaids can fill because the problem isn't his relationships, it's him. He's a boy.

Until he actually faces himself and works out why he needs ego kibbles from other women to feel validated he's not a man.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow I think that is such an accurate picture of him. He is depressed that I'm the breadwinner I think and this other woman makes he feel more like a man, like he has something to contribute. He also is very reluctant to grow up. Says working "isn't for him". Thinks of marriage and having kids as a death sentence.

I'm so psychologically and mentally f*cked because I know I am just going to try to forget about it and keep going like nothing happened. My friends all tell me we aren't compatible. He has a short fuse and I am sensitive so it ends with a lot of crying on my part.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He broke up with me once before when he was 21. Almost immediately after he had two one-night stands with a 14 year old girl. He didn't tell me about them and we were still having sex. I found out months later. A few months after that I had a one night stand and told him about it. He fell apart and still to this day brings it up. As if he didn't betray me first. I fought and fought to win him back and me "betraying him" was what made him decide he wanted to be with me. He says that whole process is what proves we are soul mates because "if we can make it through that we can make it through anything."


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's full of shit! He slept with a 14 or two 14 year olds, he doesn't want to grow up, sees marriage and kids as a death sentence and you want to stay with him why?

He is not relationship material. Stop being his mommy and start being your own woman. Get thee into IC immediately!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa,

You have gotten some great advice here today. I really hope you can listen. Everyone here has been where you are right now, and we've all made it through, still alive and breathing. Some of us in R and some separated/divorced. The point is, you too will make it through.

The only piece of advice I can give is that you are in the most critical time ever. You might not see it now, but YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER RIGHT NOW. The ball is in your court, and your future happiness is totally dependent on what you do next. If you don't make the right decisions now (what KatyaCA said!!!) then you are only delaying the inevitable.

Do something your future self from 20 years will thank you for! Stand up for yourself!

KatyaCa is absolutely right. You must be willing to lose the relationship IF HE doesn't do what you necessary. He can't continue to lie, rug sweep, and betray you.

You came here looking for advice because you know there are people on here that have the right answers. Trust us!!

Don't marry this man. At least right now. Put the wedding on hold. Trust me, it would be a huge mistake to walk down the isle with someone like this who hasn't done the hard work (and isn't willing to either) to change himself.

In the first few months after DDAY I was in "save this relationship" mode. I let my WBF rug-sweep and lie. He wanted to pretend the whole thing never happened. I wanted to "nice" him back into the relationship, and that just bluntly "doesn't fucking work".

It was only after I stood up for myself and told him I would not be in a relationship like this, that he actually started doing the work. I moved out to the my brothers and started living like I was moving on. I ignored his calls and text. He changed his tune and finally started doing the right things.

I think you will find that those on SI that weren't willing to lose the relationship and LOVE YOURSELF MORE, often found themselves with multiple DDAY'S and heartache. I'm not talking badly of anyone, because even I too was guilt of this in the beginning. Sometimes when you've been with someone for so long, its like you don't exist if they don't. I totally understand the feeling. But You do exist. And guess what? You deserve better. You deserve more.

How do you find the courage to bring up the topic? You just do it! Because the rest of your life depends on it. Seriously.

Sending you strength tonight.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes, just posted my comment and then saw your newest one. If he was 21 and sleeping with 14 years olds...you've got bigger problems. Or he's got bigger problems I should say!

Also. You've BOTH cheated...this is not healthy. It sounds to me like you've been with him since you were 15 and your scared that there's no life without him because you really haven't lived without him.

But trust me, there is life. And KatyaCA is right again (DAMN girl! You're on fire tonight!) there are 7 billion people on this earth!! Soul mates don't exist. Or if they do, there's no such thing as ONE soul mate. We must each have like 1,000....


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree the situation needs to be changed...
He needs to go..
He needs to work on himself and his issues ..By himself..Not hang on to you or anybody else for financial support..
Who knows what his potential (and yours too) could be if you both let go of this living situation that you are in presently..
He needs to find a way to be self supporting and be able to continue to be for life..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, he will drag you down with him if he is sleeping with 14 yr olds....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Nov 2011
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGREED! The man (I use this term loosely) is 30 years old and he can't keep a job and support himself? And he's sleeping with 14 year old girls when he's 21? That's statutory rape btw.

Honey, there are REAL men out there. And when I say REAL, I don't mean because they don't cheat. A real man is one who supports himself, and takes responsibility for his actions. The GOOD and the BAD. Many other things make a man (and a woman!) as well.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this as I was leaving work and couldn't get home fast enough to respond.

he had two one-night stands with a 14 year old girl.

I normally don't get overly emotional about other's people's threads here on SI, but as a father of 3 (2 girls), that fired me up.

You have many layers of issues going on here between the two of you. Your engaged to a guy who, at the adult age of 21, thought it was acceptable to sleep with a 14 year old. And more than once! Regardless if you want to have kids or not, can you imagine starting a family with this guy?!!! This is a huge deal!!!

This is no longer about him, this is about you. Why would you think that it would be ok for you to stay with guy who is this fucked up? This guy is seriously sick on many levels. You need to get away.

I have so much more I could say but I don't want you to run away. I want you to stay and keep posting. You need us. Please keep posting. More importantly, please get strong and detach from ass hat. Really. Please read this stuff on the 180,

BS FAQ here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the whole 14 year old thing happened we were "broken up" so technically what happened thing wasn't cheating. But I always suspected that he broke up with me so he could have sex with her guilt free. It all sounds so bad on paper but he's actually a great guy, really considerate, thoughtful and sweet. I thought maybe he was just getting cold feet about marriage so he was exploring with this other woman just to see what being single would be like before he married me? I don't know! I brought up tonight that I was thinking of therapy and he said they'd "just try to mind fuck" me.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the whole 14 year old thing happened we were "broken up" so technically what happened thing wasn't cheating.

It's not the "technically cheating" part that is so upsetting here. It's the fact that a 21 year old man had sex with a 14 year old girl. That's really, really fucked up. Not going to sugar coat that one bit. Can you imagine starting a family with someone who, at one point in his adult life, thought it was ok to have sex with a kid? You are engaged to that type of person. Regardless if it was "consensual". That is really fucked up and speaks to this guys character. Why would you want to be with someone who is capable of that? That is not "nice guy" material.

really considerate, thoughtful and sweet.

Really? take a look at that again with all the stuff here that you wrote in this thread. Start opening your eyes Shanoa and see what everyone else can see.

I brought up tonight that I was thinking of therapy and he said they'd "just try to mind fuck" me.

He's already past being mind fucked here. Please read up on the 180. Please start taking care of yourself. The writing is all over the wall in huge bold letters. Doesn't matter how much history you have together, run from this guy.

eta - typos

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:40 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, your WBF, no matter if he broke up with you or not, committed rape in the eyes of the law. He fucked a child. He fucked a 14 year old little girl. There just is absolutely no way to spin this to where it's even remotely OK, remotely all right, remotely explainable. The facts of the matter are, he fucked a child and frankly, he should have gone to jail and have been listed as a sexual predator for the rest of his life.

Is this the person that you want to have children with? Is this the person who you want to legally entangle your life, your reputation, your finances, your soul with? This isn't a soul mate. This is a soul sucking lamprey eel, trying to suck the life out of you.

I'm so sorry. I truly am. I feel a great deal of compassion for you. You're in such a state, such a fog of your own, you cannot seem to peel the rose-colored glasses off of your face and see the horrible truth. Your WBF is totally unsuitable to be a next door neighbor, let alone someone you allow access to your body and soul. He's essentially found himself a sugar mama who will support him and let him be Peter Pan, he hopes, for the rest of his life. If you read back what you've put down that he says, it's ALL about HIM. There is NOWHERE, concern for you and the wounds that he has put on you. It's as if he slashed your face, your arms, and stabbed you in the heart, and as you lay bleeding to death, complained because you bled on his shirt and he can't understand why you don't get yourself off of the ground and wash out the stains!

What he feels for you isn't love. It really isn't. The closest thing to love that it is, is what a lion feels for the baby gazelle that he's about to consume.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4946 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, the more I read of your story, the more I wish I could meet you in person to give you a hug!

I thought maybe he was just getting cold feet about marriage so he was exploring with this other woman just to see what being single would be like before he married me?

gently - he didn't explore anything with another "woman". 14 is a CHILD. Oh boy...you can't seriously think it would be healthy for you to spend the rest of your life with this guy, do you? Some day you might want to have children! Is he really someone you can see yourself having children with? A child rapist?

He is not as you said a

great guy, really considerate, thoughtful and sweet.

He has showed you exactly who he is, and worse. You are SO DAMN LUCKY that you didn't marry this guy and THEN find this out. I don't normally say this to newbies on SI, but RUN FOR YOU LIFE. This guy has serious issues that you cannot even begin to imagine. And you cannot fix him. Read that again. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. I can't sugar coat it, because there's just no justice for you in that, and it would be wrong of me, or anyone.

Please keep posting! Find the strength to realize that the man you thought you loved never existed. I think once your initial shock wears off and you re-read some of the comments that fellow SI members have left, you will realize. I hope you do, for your future children, and for the future you, I hope you leave him in the dust. You will never be safe in his arms.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, gently, I'm worried that you can't see the forest for the trees. I'm a mother of 3 teenagers (13,16,18) so I know a LOT of teenage kids. In fact, I just spent 4 hours at a rehearsal (for Peter Pan, no less!!!) with 60 young teens. I would be sickened to think of ANY of them having sex with an adult (a 21 year old man). Sickened.

Please take off your rose-colored glasses. You havent given yourself a chance to experience life without him. I know it may seem scary. But you need to focus on what's good for you. And supporting a man-child who only thinks of himself is NOT in your best interest. He is NOT a safe and loving partner. Don't convince yourself that he is or can be. Only he can realize he needs to change himself and start putting in the hard work to PROVE himself a worthy partner.

Please please please don't subject yourself to a lifetime of this kind of pain and disillusionment. You deserve better. I hope you figure that out.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing Shanoa? This is some heavy stuff we are trying to open your eyes to. Worried about you. Keep posting.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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