I encourage you to do some reading over at www.baggagereclaim.co.uk to try and see that you're holding onto a dream, not reality. And please get into IC. You can support yourself--you just need to realize, emotionally, that there is life and happiness away from him. Much more in fact than what you have now!!
I just feel like if I love him unconditionally I should accept this about him, right? Think about if it was someone in your family, they could literally do anything to you and you'd still love them, right? How is a romantic relationship any different? Have any of you explored open relationships? Have you had any success?
That he would do this to me after how much effort we put in to rebuilding our relationship after I saw the sexts a year ago.
honey, gently, what actions did HE do to fix this/ himself?
he has to fix himself. he has to see why he needs outside validation from another woman. this isn't about you. it is on him. if he does no work - it WILL happen again (if it ever stops).
you are worth so much more than that. and don't ever let yourself think differently!
hugs to you.
There are a few of us in this thread that stated we typically don't say run for your life, but we are saying here to you now. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!
The fact that you enjoy being around each other outweighing everything else is a huge indicator that you are codependent on him. I could go on and on here.
Let me ask you this. Why did you come here Shamoa? Are you looking for someone to say, "yeah, this could work" in order to validate yourself for staying with this guy? Or did you come here looking for some hard truth? Because this...
I guess I am just the type of person who thinks love is the most important thing in life. Money, career, none of that really matters. When you find someone that completes you shouldn't you hold on to that person at all costs? I used to feel so lucky. I found the love of my life at 15.
...is a fantasy with this guy. No you should not hold on at all costs. Not at the cost of your future. Which is exactly what is going to happen. So next time when he is caught fucking a minor and then you are all over the media, how is that going to work out for you?
Your thinking is flawed, you deserve so much more than he is willing to give, he is a leech and a cheater and a liar. How little do you think of yourself that you would accept this type of behavior? How many times does he have to cheat and knock you down to your knees before you say enough is enough?
Read through many of these threads, many had what they considered a great relationship, couples were jealous of them, yada, yada, yada. You are selling yourself short.
Flaws? Yep, you need to accept flaws, like forgetting to take out the trash, or clueless about what to get you for your anniversary, but this guy has absolutely too many CHARACTER flaws.
BTW, best friends do not stab best friends repeatedly.
I'll repeat what others have said. RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can.
Think about if it was someone in your family, they could literally do anything to you and you'd still love them, right?
No actually. Just because you "love" someone does NOT mean they need to be in your life. Should a child still love their mother if they beat them? Do drugs around them? Neglect them? Conceptually the child may love the mother but that doesn't mean the mother is good for the child. So I pose to you your question- is a romantic relationship different? Should one stay in an abusive relationship?
When you find someone that completes you shouldn't you hold on to that person at all costs?
No. When the cost is your sanity, your self-worth, no. You mention you have anxiety- have you ever thought that being with him might be related to that? I urge you to get into IC and truly be open to the process.
You keep bringing up your love being the overarching principal- but how can someone so broken (him) love? Actions not words. He can say he loves you all day everyday. But his actions speak otherwise. You don't cheat on someone you love, you don't lie to someone you love. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, I'm saying he's so broken he can't possibly truly understand love.
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
I have been to therapy. I've been told that I seek out these types of relationships because I come from an alcoholic family. That I need to feel like the caretaker in order to feel valued as a person. So I think if I let him go then I will just get with someone else who might be worse. I do find some kind of weird solace in "being the victim", like I "have something over him". Buying him things, helping him through school, encouraging him to be better, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something and giving him a reason to appreciate me.
It's pretty obvious you don't care that a 21 year old adult felt it was perfectly fine to have sex with a 14 year old child, so I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise.
But I will say, don't be surprised when 5 or 10 years down the road your 'boyfriend' is caught trawling the teenage chatrooms on his compute, hunting for a really 'cool' 13 or 14 year old girl to 'hang out with.'
But, love is blind, as they say.
In either event, you seem to know what it is you want so who am I to try to convince you to have self respect or pride? I think ultimately, we all decide our own fate and I just wanted to wish you the best of luck in whichever direction you choose to go.
I've been told that I seek out these types of relationships because I come from an alcoholic family. That I need to feel like the caretaker in order to feel valued as a person.
You have the power to change this behavior.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:20 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]
You know the answer to that question and you have been answering that question throughout this thread. The hard reality that many BS don't like to hear is that they do it but we are broken. They know we have co-dependency issues, self esteem issues, fears, etc. They do it because they can.
He knows you won't end the relationship if he gets caught. You've already talked yourself into looking past his mistakes because of true love. We all have to choose our own path and you can choose to walk that path. But know that he still knows he can ..... and he will.
Look at my tag line. I too came from a broken home. I could not save my brother from his suicide and carry around an immense amount of guilt to this day. However, I picked myself up, finished school and got my degree, then got out of there as fast as I could and have a bright future for doing so. You have a horrible background that it contributing to your co-dependence on this guy.
You feel f you leave and don't save him you will feel guilt and regret. Guess what you are going to feel if you stay with him regarding a future you possibly could have had without this guy? Much like you could not same your mother, you cannot save your WBF. Truth is, he is already lost to you. He has to fix himself and he has to do it without you.
You can't fix him at all, but you can fix yourself. You can break away. This is what you need to do to have any sort of positive life for yourself. I'm sure that's what your mother would want for you. That's what all of these fine people at SI want for you. You can't let the fear of your unknown future dictate what is going on now with you.
Have you talked about any of this in IC (independent counseling)?
You can start that by reading the 180 like others have suggested here. Itís designed to make you stronger. Have you read up on that yet.
Believe in yourself Shamoa. You can do this. You can break away from this guy for yourself and itís not in the least bit selfish. You obviously want to have a family someday. Thatís one of the reasons you are engaged. You do this for your future. For the future of whatever your family turns out to be. That is not the least bit selfish. I did the same and wanted to have a ďnormalĒ environment for my children.
There are no guarantees in life. But one this that is guaranteed is that if you stay with this guy it will not turn out well.
Believe in yourself Shamoa. We do.