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Newest Member: LostinBluseas (45054)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Engaged: past affair still present
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's no wonder you feel overwhelmed. Your entire coming of age happened in the context of this relationship, this love. But you have allowed the idea of the love to overwhelm your understanding of what it actually is. He won't work, he fears commitment and having a family, he argues with you and makes you cry, your friends think he's bad news--it's inertia and fear holding you in place, not your rightness for each other.

I encourage you to do some reading over at www.baggagereclaim.co.uk to try and see that you're holding onto a dream, not reality. And please get into IC. You can support yourself--you just need to realize, emotionally, that there is life and happiness away from him. Much more in fact than what you have now!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I wonder what's really important. Is it more important that he cheated or is it more important that we enjoy being around each other, make each other laugh, be vulnerable in front of each other, support each other and love one another? We are the type of couple his friends are so jealous of, we enjoy the same hobbies, have the same friends, and are just best friends. So is the fact that he is a backstabber outweigh all of that? Or is that just a personality flaw? I'm not perfect, I can't cook or clean, I have anxiety, I'm not in the best shape, I say dumb things...I guess what I am saying is that is this lying and cheating more important than our love?


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Love isnít a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."

I just feel like if I love him unconditionally I should accept this about him, right? Think about if it was someone in your family, they could literally do anything to you and you'd still love them, right? How is a romantic relationship any different? Have any of you explored open relationships? Have you had any success?


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am just the type of person who thinks love is the most important thing in life. Money, career, none of that really matters. When you find someone that completes you shouldn't you hold on to that person at all costs? I used to feel so lucky. I found the love of my life at 15.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
pmal64
♀ Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read all of the replies but this stuck out at me:

That he would do this to me after how much effort we put in to rebuilding our relationship after I saw the sexts a year ago.

honey, gently, what actions did HE do to fix this/ himself?

he has to fix himself. he has to see why he needs outside validation from another woman. this isn't about you. it is on him. if he does no work - it WILL happen again (if it ever stops).

you are worth so much more than that. and don't ever let yourself think differently!
hugs to you.


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 573 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa, I myself am having a really hard time with the fact that this guy should be classified as a sex offender for having sex with a 14 yo girl. Do you really not see that? Do you really want to start a family with that type of person that thinks this is acceptable?

There are a few of us in this thread that stated we typically don't say run for your life, but we are saying here to you now. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

The fact that you enjoy being around each other outweighing everything else is a huge indicator that you are codependent on him. I could go on and on here.

Let me ask you this. Why did you come here Shamoa? Are you looking for someone to say, "yeah, this could work" in order to validate yourself for staying with this guy? Or did you come here looking for some hard truth? Because this...

I guess I am just the type of person who thinks love is the most important thing in life. Money, career, none of that really matters. When you find someone that completes you shouldn't you hold on to that person at all costs? I used to feel so lucky. I found the love of my life at 15.

...is a fantasy with this guy. No you should not hold on at all costs. Not at the cost of your future. Which is exactly what is going to happen. So next time when he is caught fucking a minor and then you are all over the media, how is that going to work out for you?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa, IMO, you really need to get yourself into counseling. Accept someone for who they are? A possible child predator? A cheater? How's about a murderer?

Your thinking is flawed, you deserve so much more than he is willing to give, he is a leech and a cheater and a liar. How little do you think of yourself that you would accept this type of behavior? How many times does he have to cheat and knock you down to your knees before you say enough is enough?

Read through many of these threads, many had what they considered a great relationship, couples were jealous of them, yada, yada, yada. You are selling yourself short.

Flaws? Yep, you need to accept flaws, like forgetting to take out the trash, or clueless about what to get you for your anniversary, but this guy has absolutely too many CHARACTER flaws.

BTW, best friends do not stab best friends repeatedly.

I'll repeat what others have said. RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can.


Posts: 7568 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
heforgot
♀ Member
Member # 40850
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am seeing signs here that I'm sure other people also do. You have stated a few times that you support him financially. You also stated that when you initiate sex he turns you down. But he'll sleep with other women. Wake up honey. He's using you.


Me: BW, 44
Him: WH, 47
3 kids
Married 19 years
DDay 11/1/09
Status: R and more in love than before!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: USA
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about if it was someone in your family, they could literally do anything to you and you'd still love them, right?

No actually. Just because you "love" someone does NOT mean they need to be in your life. Should a child still love their mother if they beat them? Do drugs around them? Neglect them? Conceptually the child may love the mother but that doesn't mean the mother is good for the child. So I pose to you your question- is a romantic relationship different? Should one stay in an abusive relationship?

When you find someone that completes you shouldn't you hold on to that person at all costs?

No. When the cost is your sanity, your self-worth, no. You mention you have anxiety- have you ever thought that being with him might be related to that? I urge you to get into IC and truly be open to the process.

You keep bringing up your love being the overarching principal- but how can someone so broken (him) love? Actions not words. He can say he loves you all day everyday. But his actions speak otherwise. You don't cheat on someone you love, you don't lie to someone you love. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, I'm saying he's so broken he can't possibly truly understand love.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2024 | Registered: Sep 2011
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he gets unemployment and pays half the bills now. He had a job for almost a year but got laid off. I guess I came here hoping that maybe someone could identify with him, maybe say that he just made a few mistakes but as long as he makes you happy most of the time it is worth it. He was 18 when I started dating him at 15. It's not really that much different for him to be with a girl a month away from being 15 a few years later?

I have been to therapy. I've been told that I seek out these types of relationships because I come from an alcoholic family. That I need to feel like the caretaker in order to feel valued as a person. So I think if I let him go then I will just get with someone else who might be worse. I do find some kind of weird solace in "being the victim", like I "have something over him". Buying him things, helping him through school, encouraging him to be better, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something and giving him a reason to appreciate me.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw your boyfriend on Dateline with Chris Hansen.

It's pretty obvious you don't care that a 21 year old adult felt it was perfectly fine to have sex with a 14 year old child, so I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise.

But I will say, don't be surprised when 5 or 10 years down the road your 'boyfriend' is caught trawling the teenage chatrooms on his compute, hunting for a really 'cool' 13 or 14 year old girl to 'hang out with.'

But, love is blind, as they say.

In either event, you seem to know what it is you want so who am I to try to convince you to have self respect or pride? I think ultimately, we all decide our own fate and I just wanted to wish you the best of luck in whichever direction you choose to go.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wonder if I were a man and this was my wife we were talking about if people would be saying the same things. Isn't he the same thing as a house wife? He's depressed about not having a job. He just called me and said he wishes he had one. His degree is so specialized that it's hard. I guess I feel like I put so much work in to our relationship and in to him and that now I should be reaping the benefits. He's graduated. He decided he wants to marry me. Is it OK to just pretend the bad stuff didn't happen?


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been told that I seek out these types of relationships because I come from an alcoholic family. That I need to feel like the caretaker in order to feel valued as a person.

You have the power to change this behavior.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2024 | Registered: Sep 2011
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm weak. I was diagnosed at a young age with a chronic fear of abandonment. In my teen years I became estranged from my mother and moved out at 16 (in with him). My mom hit rock bottom with drugs and was forced to move in with a stranger when she was evicted. He raped and murdered her. Now I feel this guilt and regret. Because of her addictions I left. I could have supported her and helped her through it but I didn't, I was selfish. I feel this translates to what I am going through now. I feel like if I leave I will feel guilt and regret. That I should help him or I could lose him forever. And then I would become a crazy cat lady.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are 27 now. If you don't take action, in five years you'll be 32 and still in the same mess. Is that the future you want? Only by then, you may have kids which geometrically increases the difficulties and complications. The time to act is now.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:20 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
demos
♂ Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa, you asked early in this thread "why did he do it?"

You know the answer to that question and you have been answering that question throughout this thread. The hard reality that many BS don't like to hear is that they do it but we are broken. They know we have co-dependency issues, self esteem issues, fears, etc. They do it because they can.

He knows you won't end the relationship if he gets caught. You've already talked yourself into looking past his mistakes because of true love. We all have to choose our own path and you can choose to walk that path. But know that he still knows he can ..... and he will.


Posts: 171 | Registered: May 2012
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently here Shanoa, you are starting to get to the bottom of this for yourself. This last post of yours is good in that it's giving insight as to what is going on with you. In one of my previous posts I stated that this is no longer about him, this is about you. This is all the more true now.

Look at my tag line. I too came from a broken home. I could not save my brother from his suicide and carry around an immense amount of guilt to this day. However, I picked myself up, finished school and got my degree, then got out of there as fast as I could and have a bright future for doing so. You have a horrible background that it contributing to your co-dependence on this guy.

You feel f you leave and don't save him you will feel guilt and regret. Guess what you are going to feel if you stay with him regarding a future you possibly could have had without this guy? Much like you could not same your mother, you cannot save your WBF. Truth is, he is already lost to you. He has to fix himself and he has to do it without you.

You can't fix him at all, but you can fix yourself. You can break away. This is what you need to do to have any sort of positive life for yourself. I'm sure that's what your mother would want for you. That's what all of these fine people at SI want for you. You can't let the fear of your unknown future dictate what is going on now with you.

Have you talked about any of this in IC (independent counseling)?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa you can hang onto your past to determine your future. Or you can break the cycle now. You have received such great advice here. It would be a shame for you not to take that advice and run with it.

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to chime in and say that I hope you are very seriously considering everything others have already told you on here. My advice? RUN. Get out of this relationship and don't look back. You are young, and you deserve much better than to settle for a liar and a cheater who sleeps with underage girls. He has no remorse and he does not really love you. And, he does not like to work? There are far too many glaring red flags here. Please understand that there are much better men out there, and you will find the right one. It will be hard letting go, but trust me when I say that in the long run, you will not regret leaving this relationship.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look Shamoa, we at SI are here with you for the long haul. I for one, a complete stranger, believe in you. You are stronger than you think. Wanna know how I know? Look what youíve done for yourself already. You had to get out of a terrible situation with your mother, Iím sure on many levels you have taken care of yourself, you are the breadwinner, you are strong enoough to support yourself. Thatís how. You need to believe in yourself and start to stick up for yourself.

You can start that by reading the 180 like others have suggested here. Itís designed to make you stronger. Have you read up on that yet.

Believe in yourself Shamoa. You can do this. You can break away from this guy for yourself and itís not in the least bit selfish. You obviously want to have a family someday. Thatís one of the reasons you are engaged. You do this for your future. For the future of whatever your family turns out to be. That is not the least bit selfish. I did the same and wanted to have a ďnormalĒ environment for my children.

There are no guarantees in life. But one this that is guaranteed is that if you stay with this guy it will not turn out well.

Believe in yourself Shamoa. We do.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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