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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Engaged: past affair still present
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa, I am so very to read about what has happened thus far in your life. It's tragic and I understand that you feel guilty and full of regret. However, subjecting yourself to a future with this guy is not going to fix your past. Two wrongs won't make it right. You deserve better.

I see that you don't see a distinction between your relationship with him when you were 15 and he was 18 and the relationship he had with a young girl when he was 21. What I see is a guy who likes girls in the 14-15 year old category, regardless of how old he is. Really think about what some previous posters have said. Society somehow understands that relationships can occur between, let's say, a HS senior and a freshman. But for him, I see a pattern of preferences. Truly think about how you will feel if one day you are on the news when he is exposed for other relationships with young girls... when he is 35, 45, 55? If you have kids together, this man would be around their friends?

I understand that your past has shaped your thinking. But you do not have to let this type of thinking dictate your future. Don't glamourize your past relationship with this guy. Please have the courage to find the beauty and strength within yourself to decide that you deserve better. You can have a wonderful life, despite the horrors of your past. I have a good friend that CHOSE to live life differently because of his damaged past. He has worked hard to have a solid loving M and healthy relationships with his own kids. He CHOSE to not continue his life in a dysfunctional way. You can do the same. But it will take courage and strength from deep within yourself. Once you harness that, you will be AMAZED at what you can accomplish. Please have faith in yourself.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I came here hoping that maybe someone could identify with him, maybe say that he just made a few mistakes but as long as he makes you happy most of the time it is worth it.

Gentley, I'm going to drop some reality on you. The reason no one is sympathizing with your boyfriend here is because everyone in your shoes who did that got burned and kicked in the face for it. NO ONE is going to give you advice specifically made to ensure you get hurt again. They would much rather give you advice on how to protect yourself from further pain which includes breaking up with your boyfriend. The only waythis can all be worth it is if he steps up and fixes it. So far he hasn't fixed it. He didn't fix it the first two times it happened whether you were on break or not. He didn't fix it this time. He is not going to fix it. Until he wants to fix it, it will never be worth it. Take it from people who've been there. SO MANY people on this site and forum did what you did. They pretended it was perfect and tried to move on to rugsweeping it in order to have their marriages and relationships preserved. Guess where they are today? Still here because it happened again and many are divorcing saying they wished they had done so back years ago when it happened the first time. That is your future if you go down that road. You will still be sitting right where you are years later wondering why you thought it was a good idea to stay in a toxic, abusive relationship and waste your youth. If you're lucky and heed everyone's advice, you will be some where much happier wondering what ever possessed you to stay with your fiance and suffer as long as you did. The choice is yours.

He was 18 when I started dating him at 15. It's not really that much different for him to be with a girl a month away from being 15 a few years later?

The difference is huge. Do you remember what it was like being 21? Maybe you had a car, a job, and maybe you were in college. You could go to a liquor store or bar and legally buy alcohol for the first time. You were out living on your own. Now remember what it's like being 14, living with your parents, just starting high school, and ask yourself if you would have slept with a 14-year-old at 21. Do you not see the huge difference in mental maturity and life circumstance between 14 and 21? Your fiance broke the law and could have been sent to jail as a sex offender and for damn good reason. Would you still be here if he went to jail for a couple years because he slept with a 14-year-old at 21 and absolutely should have known better? I truly hope that would be a large does of reality for you and your answer is no.

Buying him things, helping him through school, encouraging him to be better, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something and giving him a reason to appreciate me.

How's that working out for you? Do you FEEL respected by him for these things? Or do you feel like he took all the benefits and used you to wipe his feet on on his way out by having his affair?

Listen to everyone here and start detaching from him. Get yourself in to counseling to give you the strength to move on and get yourself out of another bad situation.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 12:43 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 103 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I don't feel respected. I don't feel appreciated. I feel worthless and unattractive. Which also makes me feel like I couldn't start over with someone else. No one will accept me with this baggage.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get into IC to deal with your baggage then Shanoa. IC will help you to understand why you put others above yourself and don't believe you are worthy of love and respect.

I too come from a very messed up and traumatic childhood filled with addictions, personality disorders and extreme abuse. I made a decision to face my demons, deal with my FOO issues and tackle the dysfunctional behaviors so I can have the healthiest and best life for ME. I also wanted to be a healthy parent to my own children so I didn't perpetuate the ugly messed up life I came from onto them. Yuu can do it. It is hard work but it is so worth it. Also, once you've done the work to heal yourself you can attract and love a person who will love and cherish you back.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Shanoa))))

You will be loved by someone else and valued once you love and value yourself.

Being alone is liberating once you realize someone else's attention does not give you your worth.

Your worth is intrinsic to you.

Seeing it is the foundation of a healthy realtionship.

Exit this toxic one (kick him out, too bad he has nowhere to go, maybe he should have thought about that before fucking someone else and breaking yoru heart), and start a new relationship with yourself. Get books on building confidence. Go to CODA meetings (co-dependent's anonymous).

You do not need to be with someone to be worth something.

Being with someone who does not respect you will only cause you to respect yourself even less than you do right now.

Break free, and learn to be okay with who you are, to be proud and confident.

It's hard but the payoff is incredible. You deserve that.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I don't feel respected. I don't feel appreciated. I feel worthless and unattractive. Which also makes me feel like I couldn't start over with someone else. No one will accept me with this baggage.

This is where you are so wrong Shanoa. Your self esteem is non existent. Are you in IC? Have you discussed this stuff with a counselor or therapist?

I understand that you can't see things in yourself that other people see. I have that same problem. Some one just pointed out to me recently how far I have come and all of my "strong" character traits. Honestly, I don't see a single one of them. But in some sense I know I must have them or I would not be where I am today. To me, where I got myself to was because I didn't want to live in a dark place anymore so I just carried on each day moving forward. No big deal to me. Others tell me it's a huge deal.

I see strong qualities in you. You wouldn't be here otherwise.

I eventually got help and I'm working on my issues. Can you do the same?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been to therapy a few times. I didn't bring up the affair. I went for my anxiety. I have a huge problem with being indecisive and avoiding my problems. It transcends this relationship and it's in everything I do. I have bills, I avoid them. I get sick, I avoid it. My house is dirty, I avoid it. My relationship is broken, I avoid it. This gives me anxiety. I know I should just confront my issues but I just can't! I love my guy and I ... I just want to forget about it! Maybe if he went to therapy on his own it would help him.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe if he went to therapy on his own it would help him.

That is not going to work. You can only fix you. Get to IC stat. It should be regularly if you can. You have way more than anxiety you are dealing with here. Yes, that play a big part, but you also have childhood FOO (family of origin issues), as well as several other layers. You need to do this for you.

Forget about him and start working on you. This is your ONLY way out.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a huge problem with being indecisive and avoiding my problems.

Be decisive about this. Be decisive about fixing YOU!!


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hopeless. I know I won't go to therapy. I'll just keep avoiding my problems until they bury me.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I should just confront my issues but I just can't!

YES YOU CAN!!! Don't be anyone's doormat. Get help. You don't have to go this alone. You can do this for you and your future.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have anyone in real life that can help you? Other than you WBF.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa please listen to the good advice you've gotten here. First, I think it's a terrific sign that you sought this site out and posted here. You did it because your gut is telling you not to marry this man.

I had a long term relationship with someone just like your fiance. He wasn't into the "marriage thing" or the whole "go to work everyday thing". It was a complete lack of self worth that ever made me date him in the first place. I wasted years of time taking care of this man while he cheated on me and used me. At the time I sounded just exactly like you. I convinced myself that he loved me in his own special way, and that I had enough good Christian love for the two of us. The most meager carrot scrap of affection he occasionally tossed my way would convince me that this was love. It's not. Not even close.

I was able to finally see clearly when I worked at no longer seeing him. It was hard but I did it. The longer I was away from him the more clearly I could see that he was a liar, a cheat, and a dishonest fraud. And I mean that in the criminal sense. I had to take off the blinders. As long as I was in his sphere of influence I couldn't see any of the reality of what he was. I was convinced I was the only one that knew the real him. I was dead wrong. But he worked at keeping me in that mindset. As soon as I would start to catch on to the fact that I was being used I'd get another carrot dangled in my face. You know what the last one was? I think you do. It was an engagement ring. He never had any intention of marrying me or anyone else for that matter. But it kept me in the game for a while longer. That's exactly what has happened to you.

Please take the advice here to get counseling. It doesn't mean you aren't smart or sensible or that you are somehow a failure. It will help bolster your self esteem and give you the courage to demand better for yourself.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow Charity that does sound like my situation! My thing is that we broke up for a year 7 years ago and it was the worst year of my life. I was so desperate to get him back. I talked to other guys but it did nothing for me. So I just feel like if we break up again it will be worse because this time we are engaged.

Charity - after he proposed did he cheat on you?


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't ask "has he cheated" lol

http://www.drphil.com/page/rhpt/


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can let your fear keep you tied to this guy and make excuses and hope he'll see the light but it is not going to do you any good, it's just going to keep hurting you. You know he is not going to change but you're afraid to admit it, afraid of losing the crutch of being with him even though he hurts you.

The only person who can set you free is you.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never stopped cheating on me. He never would have stopped. And being engaged meant nothing. It was just a tool to keep me from leaving. That finally dawned on me just like it's starting to dawn on you. I suspect this latest cheating episode confirmed what you already suspected. He isn't really ever going to marry you. I can remember looking at that engagement ring and feeling this odd sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. And I knew everyone else knew it too. So I would hide my hand so no one would see that ring because I was embarrassed that I fell for it.

You think you can't live without him because that's exactly what he has trained you to think. Because it works for him. You support him, feed him, stroke his ego and he gets to do whatever the hell he wants. Do you have the option of deciding you don't want the "real job" thing? Of course not. Because then who would take care of him? You just think that gives you value because that's exactly what he wants you to believe.

He has taken your options away one by one to make you feel helpless without him. It's the complete opposite. He's helpless and useless and so he needs someone just like you to take care of all his day to day needs without anything being required of him. Not even fidelity or affection. The more he withholds from you the harder you work. I so very much know how that feels and how you got into this trap.

If I could break free, so can you. There are many more people on this board that have walked the same hard road and they will attest to the complete freedom you feel once you get away from the influence of people like him. Don't look at how you felt 7 years ago. Move forward. You've come here and that's a start.



Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was taking an active role in planning the wedding. He said he was excited. We had our engagement pictures planned. He announced it to his family. He asked my dad and my brother for permission to ask me. And the proposal was amazing. He took me to a moonlit beach (we'd never been to the ocean before), it was secluded, there was a roaring fire behind us, he brought champagne, gave me a long poetic proposal about how much I mean to him and how we wants to spend the rest of his life with me. It was perfect. Just like I thought our relationship was:(


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it matter if the proposal was perfect if the relationship and partner were s broken?

I know how hard it is to abandon what you thought about him and your future together. But a beautiful romantic proposal doesn't matter. It's consistent respect and kindness that matters in a relationship. Not big gestures. For all you know the guy is a sociopath and that is his mask to keep his victim bound to him. You have to see the forest for the trees.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa,

I think you really need to stop making excuses for him. Nothing he did in the past that you consider "good" makes up for or excuses the terrible things he has done.

Your WBF has big problems. And frankly, there's nothing you can do that can help him.

It doesn't matter how involved he was in planning the wedding, or that he asked your father for permission. IT'S ALL A FACADE!!!

Guess what? Ted Bundy went to Harvard and everyone thought he was the nicest guy ever!! And you know what? That doesn't change the fact that he murdered like 30 woman!

Extreme analogy I know...but you seriously need to open your eyes! You are asking for help, but every word of advice that's been given, you've had an excuse as to why it doesn't apply to you.

I think you came here because deep down inside you KNOW that you need to leave him.

YOUR ONLY 27! Geez...your whole life is ahead of you!

You are making a huge mistake if you think you can change him. YOU CAN'T. You are going to wake up one day, when you are 35 and find out that he's banging 14 year old's and wonder "how did this happen???"

Well it's going to happen because you're going to let it. You control your future, and your happiness!!

You can't control getting hurt, but you can control who hurts you. Stop letting him. He doesn't deserve you.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
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