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User Topic: When to give up?
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long road. D day 2 was 13 months ago. It took almost a year for my H to realize he's a flawed person, and he started therapy and reading another marriage board.

I've told him that I'm not certain I am staying or not. I told him Sunday that I didn't think I could do it, and he asked where I was going. I told him back where we came from(out of state) and he asks what about the kids and I said they go with me, and he started crying.

Then, Monday night he comes home about 8pm and his sister and BIL are here having complete break downs because of MIL who has been a big splinter in our marriage.

Before he got home his sister had texted him that she was at our house. He later told me he thought his sister was here keeping the kids because I'd left. I told him when I leave I would never leave without the kids.

First, why would he think I would ever leave the kids anywhere close to his mother who contantly puts my son's life in danger becauwe of his allergies. He's never around to care for the kids because he's gone to work by 6am and home at 7pm at the earliest.

Even in a bit of an emotional conversation he let it slip that he's been trying to for the last couple of months be the H he's supposed to be and thought he would be when we got married. I had to laugh.

Two months hardly make up for 8 years of lies, maniuplation, betrayal, and being an asshole. Last night he just couldn't help himself andtold me I needed to watch tv in bed not the living room because he wanted to go in there. He was forcing the kids into their rooms and I got pissed. It was him again trying to control everyone so he could do what he wanted to do, and what he wanted to do was hide from the kids so he could dip (smokeless tobacco). I shut down. I told him why I was pissed. He said he needed to know when he does those things, and I told him I'm tired of being his keeper and trying to make him a better person.

I went and slept in son's bed and went back to my bed before son woke up and H was out of mine. Why do I let him drag me along? Why can't I f*cking quit? I hate myself over all of this. I'm am just a shell of myself. I feel he's ruined me, and to top it off after months of chronic pain and being sick I was diagnosed with lyme disease, so I don't even know if my health is going to hold up enough to do what needs to be done on a daily basis.

Sorry so long.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh Sleepy312, that's so much to be dealing with on top of the A. I have a friend who was diagnosed with Lyme disease about 15 years ago, and he is in fantastic health today. Avid cyclist, two gorgeous kids... eats whatever he wants.

When we have additional stressors to compound the A fallout, things can feel really bleak. I'm glad your H is in therapy - how about you? You need a safe place to talk this out IRL.

(((Sleepy213)))


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm scared of the Lyme because it's been in my system for a while so it will likely take longer to get rid of it.

My controlling h doesn't help. He texts saying that the same things I hate about him he hates about himself. There's just no easy way out geographically with the kids and recent move.

Frustrated and stuck in the sand.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
justasinger
♂ Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that when you realize that nothing can change the outcome, then it's time to give up. I read a post on here a week or so ago that was asking what the WS needed to do in order to make the R work, and as I tried to answer the question, it dawned on me that it doesn't matter what she does, I will NEVER trust her again. Now it's just a matter of getting my 'ducks' in a row. (not the real ones I have, lol) But it is a different experience for everyone, and a different time frame. For me it was 3 x ddays, and 4 years of TT. I still don't have the full truth, but the truth is, I know enough to never trust her again, so full disclosure doesn't matter at this point to me. And the talking to a brick wall doesn't help matters either. I swear it's in one ear, and out the other with her.
As I read back though this post it kind of sounds like I'm telling you what your decision should be, but I'm not. I don't know your exact situation, and even as certain as this post sounds that I am done, I haven't yet done what needs doing.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You keep asking, 'Why can't I leave?' Obviously, that question isn't getting you anywhere, so stop asking it.

Instead, ask yourself:

What do I want?
Is what I want possible?
If it is: What do I need to do to get what I want?

If you want S or D, ask:

'What do I need to do so I can leave?'

The ball's in your court, and you can handle it.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepy you the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome, sound familiar?

So your sick, with a disease that causes chronic pain, but is treatable. It's not like you have been diagnosed with Crohn's or Cancer. This is manageable stuff, trust me I know....The real kicker is the damn Lyme symptoms, and progression is going to get a lot better when you remove the poisonous tick that you call a spouse.

You are not ruined. You have a whole wonderful future ahead of you. All you have to do is take the first step, and then the second, and then ....you get the point.

Nothing changes when you change nothing, but change something, and Look out. Life will get better, all you have to do is decide to do it. Quit waiting for it all to happen, no one is going to hand you a new life. When you start reaching for one though you will find it isn't as far away as you thought.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8249 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

even as certain as this post sounds that I am done, I haven't yet done what needs doing.

This is how I feel. I'm spinning my wheels. I make up my mind then decide it's a bad decision. I decide to leave then I can't or find a reason not to leave.

Instead, ask yourself:

What do I want?
Is what I want possible?
If it is: What do I need to do to get what I want?

If you want S or D, ask:

'What do I need to do so I can leave?'

I know what I want, but it isn't best for the kids. Everything I want is not possible because the kids. I feel like my H made the choice to move us here he basically ignored that I had no interest what so ever in living in his hometown but he did it anyway because he's selfish. I can't rip the kids away again.

Hate myself for all of this.

I had money put away to move, but as usual it had to be used to bail out his overspending.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what I want, but it isn't best for the kids. Everything I want is not possible because the kids
.

Sorry but duck cause here comes the 2x4.

Really? It's better for the kids to see a relationship with mom and dad that is totally dysfunctional, to see one parent weak and broken, because the other has abused them ? It's really better for the kids to have 2 parents under the same roof when all you are showing them is that this brokenness is what a "normal" relationship is?

NOPE NOT A CHANCE. Do not allow yourself to believe for one second that it's better for them to be in a situation where their father has no respect for their mother. Your children deserve at least one healthy strong parent that shows them what it is like to demand the love and respect they deserve. Do that for your kids. Not this.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8249 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing what I wanted would be completely selfish. That's what I meant. I have no intentions of inflicting an unhealthy environment on the kids, but this has been such a roller coaster.

One day(typically a weekend) things are ok. No arguing. I'm distracted from the self hate and hate for my H and his family. Then, I wake up on a weekday morning and it all comes rushing back.

I can't help myself at this point. I wish I never had to wake up again. Unfortunately, that's not an option and this shit show is my life.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes! You're blaming your kids for keeping you stuck! That hurts both you and your kids, and it hurts your kids more.

I mean the following summary gently:

You blame your H for cheating and for moving you.

You blame your MIL for fucking up your H and your M.

You blame your SIL for fucking up your M.

You blame your kids for keeping you where you hate to be.

What conclusion do you draw from the above?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help myself at this point.

You can choose to be a victim of all of this, or you can choose to stand up and survive it. To become stronger, smarter, and happier by learning through the pain, and grief.

You are choosing not to by this statement. YOU are the ONLY person in the world that is going to help you. It's not your husbands, your kids, your parents, or your best friends job to help yourself. IT IS YOUR JOB. One of the things that is the hardest to learn and accept in this mess is knowing that you didn't ask for this, and it is not right or fair, but neither is a lot of other stuff. Harder stuff. And the people who make it through this, and make it through the harder stuff, do so because they CHOOSE to survive, they CHOOSE to stand up and take control of their destiny.

You can do this, but first you have to choose to. No one will do it for you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8249 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes! You're blaming your kids for keeping you stuck! That hurts both you and your kids, and it hurts your kids more.
I mean the following summary gently:

You blame your H for cheating and for moving you.

You blame your MIL for fucking up your H and your M.

You blame your SIL for fucking up your M.

You blame your kids for keeping you where you hate to be.

What conclusion do you draw from the above?

I clearly need to just shut up and not vent here because it's being taken completely worng. I don't blame my kids for anything, so please don't everassume I do. They are innocent victims.

I blame myself for everything. Sorry for venting in what used to be a safe place.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I blame myself for everything. Sorry for venting in what used to be a safe place.

This place is still a safe place, but what are you looking for here? A place to vent? It seems like you asked a question in your post title and I see that people answered you in their responses.

Everything I want is not possible because the kids.

Your words. This looks like you blame your kids, not for what your WH did/does but definitely for your feeling like you're stuck in this situation with your WH.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:43 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told myself for years that I was staying for the kids. My counselor finally called me on my bullshit. I stayed because I was a coward and because I had been completely victimized into believing I could not make it on my own.

I finally ended the marriage for the kids. I knew that to stay married would be to curse them. I realized that I had to be a role model demonstrating courage and self-love. Someone had to show them that life can be happy and fulfilling.

I know I made the right decision because my daughter just gave me an early Mother's Day card. In it she wrote, "Moms are inspiring. They help their kids follow their dreams and teach them everything possible."

Yeah, I made the right decision. If I hadn't left there's no way my daughter would have been able to write that sentiment because I couldn't have taught it to her.

I only regret that I didn't end the marriage sooner.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your posts in this thread invite comments, IMO. In the future, if you want to vent, I suggest putting something like 'I'm venting here.' at the top of your posts.

That would probably forestall confrontational comments.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 15

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