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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to do
HarveyW
♂ Member
Member # 42563
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away for a while. Been 3 months since Dday. Wife and I are on road to recovery. She had shown true remorse and made great honest efforts to fix this shitty mess. The shit storm of emotion still creeps in, but I am better at concentrating on my marriage and the future.
Here's my problem.
My wife has a friend that has helped her through her end of things. (She also used this friend's phone to contact OM).
I have found out her friend has a FB affair thing going on with a guy. The same way my wife's bullshit started. I am tempted to alert her friend's husband. He and I are not close, but friends. I feel it's a chicken-shit move, but I also feel he deserves to know, if for any reason, to nip it before it gets worse like my wife's did.
Any thoughts?

Posts: 56 | Registered: Feb 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Harvey. I remember you and your story well. Glad to see you are doing better. And um...not it's not a chicken shit move at all. Expose that shit.

Better question, why does your wife feel her friend's A is acceptable? There have been many stories around here where having a friend with an A leads to other things that could potentially happen. In other words, her friend doesn't have any boundaries, so what's to say she isn't influencing your wife? She may not be, but me personally, I would have a hard time tolerating her friends bs.

In fact, after everything I've been through, one of my very best friends had an A. Even after she saw the effects that it had on me. She chose to do it anyway, and then didn't even own her own shit afterwards. Needless to say I no longer speak to her which makes me very sad, but the fact that she saw the effects and had an A anyway spoke volumes of her character to me.

Expose it if your wife is not willing to. You can relate to the other BS. Use that.

Sorry you are in this situation brother.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1952 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
soulshattered
♂ New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what it's worth, if you're friends with him I'd tell him in a heartbeat. If peoples friends had the courage to speak up I'd be willing to bet a lot of this shit would get nipped in the bud before it passed the point of no return. In my own case a friend of ours knew and said nothing. I don't hate them for it, but I wish they would have had the courage to tell me. My WW put them in a really awkward position and that was totally unfair. And that's another thing, if your spouse is surrounding herself with a circle of friends with a wonky moral compass, I personally think it's only a matter of time before some of that leeches back into your lives, just sayin. I'd tell him in a heartbeat.


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Harvey, I am on my way out the door so I'll be brief.

First of all, this friend is not a friend of the marriage. She needs to be gone from your life.

Secondly, you should alert the other BS! Everyone deserves to know the truth about their lives. Copy some of the bullsh*t you have witness to as evidence to back you up.

My WH's OW husband found out about the EA before it became a PA. He never told me, and the A became physical about a month later. He didn't want to hurt me. Worst mistake of his life and mine.


Posts: 7476 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ain't society grand? You have been ingrained with the belief(I'm NOTslamming you brother, just the societal norms that taught you this) that's it's expected you NOT say anything in this situation.

I feel it's a chicken-shit move

Bull excrement. Don't help facilitate your WW's friend's A. Remember the quote about *All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing*. Be a good man brother, do something.

BTW, if your WW's *friend* is engaging in such behavior, why is she still a friend to your WW? It's a given that she's not a FOM? Your WW should be able to recognize this and take the appropriate measures. She's still got some work to do.

Strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HarveyW
♂ Member
Member # 42563
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, but would it be too "chicken-shit" to contact him through an anonymous number and identity? The reason being, things are really with W and I now. I don't want to screw that up. Also, I think it would turn into a "yeah, but she (my W) went this far". I really don't want anything getting back to our friends on common or our kids. That is important to me. I think if I just raise his suspicions, he can handle the rest without knowing where the info came from...

Posts: 56 | Registered: Feb 2014
HarveyW
♂ Member
Member # 42563
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, but would it be too "chicken-shit" to contact him through an anonymous number and identity? The reason being, things are really with W and I now. I don't want to screw that up. Also, I think it would turn into a "yeah, but she (my W) went this far". I really don't want anything getting back to our friends on common or our kids. That is important to me. I think if I just raise his suspicions, he can handle the rest without knowing where the info came from...

Posts: 56 | Registered: Feb 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, but would it be too "chicken-shit" to contact him through an anonymous number and identity?

Nope, IMO, it's the message, not the messenger.

I think it would turn into a "yeah, but she (my W) went this far

Yep, 2 wrongs make a right. Your WW should recognize this behavior and eliminate the people who engage in it from her life. What happens to an alcoholic who surrounds themselves with drunks.

Just something to ponder.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that it suck to be in your position, but your wife has put you there again. IMO, honesty Harvey. Think about if you were the BS in his shoes. He is going to want to know where that tip came from, how you know, etc, so that he can have a confrontation of his own. As of right now there are 43299 people on this site because someone wasn't fully honest or someone was lacking in character.

Talk to your wife first. Let her know that you are going to do it. Let her know as a betrayed spouse it is your duty and that you will be doing it yourself. Then have some empathy for the guy and refer him to this site. That is the right and proper thing to do.

I know you don't want to jeopardize things between you and your wife right now. But if things are getting better, she should support you in this and understand why you have to do this. Talk to her. Immediately before you let him know, let your wife know, but do not let her cut you off. She should support you and work with you.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1952 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
HarveyW
♂ Member
Member # 42563
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the other thing with that. I only know about her friend from left over spy tactics I had implemented when trying to find out if wife was still communicating with OM. It's not important enough to me to expose her friend if it means any fall back on wife and me. I feel if it is anonymous, it may seem more "oh shit" someone knows and show them that this juvenile bullshit has consequences. And not just paranoid snooping by a wrecked spouse.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Feb 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you feel it would fall back on you? If someone's not direct with the BS, there is plenty of chance it may not go anywhere. How many people in this forum have you read where the BS ignored the warning signs?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1952 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not just paranoid snooping by a wrecked spouse

No such thing. WW has to be completely open. This(her *friend*) should be a discussion between the two of you!

Do you have all WW's passwords and accounts?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HarveyW
♂ Member
Member # 42563
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do, even texts and iMessages. That's how I know she has not been in contact with OM. I feel like a Dbag looking (and I don't feel the need as much anymore) but I still can't let my guard down yet, maybe ever. Her and I are on a good path. Better than we ever have been maybe. She had realized what she had and is grateful to have not lost it. I really feel that from her in her words as well as her actions. That's why I don't want to back track.
This friend thing just irks me because it's just "innocent messaging". When my W was in that stage I tried like hell to nip it and thought I had... not so much.
I think I am going to send the anonymous message and leave it at that. Let them clean their own kitchen.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Feb 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you guys read *Not Just Friends*? No such thing as *innocent* messaging with flirting and innuendo when married.

As I stated before, it's the message, not the messenger. Just be sure to include everything you've got. You're not dealing with the AP's BS.

Strength brother. Glad things are better.

ETA Hot Just Friends???? Really??? Sorry

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:53 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HarveyW
♂ Member
Member # 42563
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To add, my W has encouraged her friend to stop before it gets out of control. She has given her good advice, but it still seems like a game to them. I'm not sure WSs have any idea how not ok the "harmless" bullshit is unless it does go to the next level. At least in my case that is how it seems.
My W has finally shown anger at herself and what she did. Something I was looking for right after Dday. It took a while, but I think it is sincere and the best sign to me that she is all in with me and us.
I think the urge for me to expose her friend is to hope my W sees she needs to cut all association with this type of shit. And, after what I've been through, I know no one deserves the devestation this behavior can cause.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Feb 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WISH someone who knew about the A had alerted me. My WH's friend counseled him against it, but didn't bother to tell me. The BH of the OW knew about it years before I did, kept quiet, and turned a blind eye. NO ONE thought that maybe I deserved the truth and the power to make a decision for myself.

Please tell.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
justasinger
♂ Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know your situation, but just reading the posts here about this particular thing have given me the impression that your WW doesn't want her "friend" to be outed. If that is a true statement, that would be a HUGE red flag to me. A few years ago, my WSO's "friend" was messing around on her BF (right in front of me), and I was friends with the BBF. I told him about it, and my WSO was seriously PISSED at me because I outed the friend. The reason I think she was so mad is because they were keeping each others secrets so since the "friends" cheating was out, what reason did the "friend" have to remain quiet.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Harvey, I totally get that you want to do the right thing for the BH but don't want to shoot yourself in the foot in the process.

If you blow the lid off everything, you lose your ability to see what your wife is up to without her knowing, and you shouldn't have to lose that source. That's how you're able to keep your peace of mind during reconciliation and it's important to you - so you shouldn't jeapordize it.

I agree with you - you can send the BH an anonymous message or email telling him about his wife's "friendship" with (insert dirt bag's name here) and also advise him to be SMART and do some digging first before confronting.

Good luck!


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1718 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
HarveyW
♂ Member
Member # 42563
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, one more question. Say I send him anonymous message, he digs, finds the dirt, throws her ass out. What might the ramafacations be on W and me? If any. I guess that's hard to say. And it could prove to be a good test to the strength of what we have.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 19

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