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Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can we make it work?
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caught my bf sexting another woman a year ago. He admitted to one kiss. We cut off ties with her. We got engaged. Last month I caught him texting her again. He admitted to making out with her a few times. I texted the other woman. She said they made out at least 10 times and things got "heated". She said she didn't have sex with him because she was married. She said he tried. She said he told her his only regret was "not getting to have sex with you". She said when he started texting her again it was "we have unfinished business" (which she said was referring to sex). He's never been fully honest with me about this. I love him very much and was very excited to start our new life together. Is there anyway to make this relationship work?


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I would definitely believe what the OW is telling you. Your F is lying, obviously.

What is his attitude? Is he still lying? Is he letting you have access to his phone, email, FB, etc?


Posts: 451 | Registered: Feb 2014
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's never been fully honest with me about this.

Until this changes, I am sorry, but the answer is no. You can't make it work if he is unwilling or unable to be fully and completely honest with you.

I am sorry you find yourself here.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is reluctant to talk about it. He says he feels ashamed and embarrassed. When I ask why he lied he said "I just couldn't look you in the eye and admit what I did to you. I am a coward."

I try saying things like "we need to discover why you did it so it doesn't happen again. Obviously you weren't happy." But he disagrees. He just thinks we should move on and just know he won't do it again because he feels guilty. But I feel like it's obvious he isn't happy or why else would he contact her again when he hasn't seen her in so long? A month after he proposed?

Should I make him go to counseling (he doesn't want to)? Should we do a trial separation? Or should I simply let this go since she lives in another state? Do you think he will just do this again with another girl?


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shanoa posting over here instead of JFO isn't going to change the advice you are being given.

Your fiance is telling you exactly who he is and you are NOT LISTENING! When someone tells you who they are believe them. He's immature, irresponsible, unfaithful and wanting to remain unfaithful and no amount of wishing and loving him is going to change that. He has to want to change to do so and he doesn't. You want him to change. They are not the same thing.

You mentioned unconditional love in your JFO thread. IMO mature adult love should not be unconditional. Save that for your children. Your romantic partner should be conditionally loved. You need to start loving and respecting yourslf more than you do him. The path you are on is one heading to your own personal destruction. He will just walk away from the fallout in the end and you will be older and more devastated. Listen to the collective wisdom here. Get into IC and start working on your codependency issues.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he will do this again if HE doesn't figure out why he did it the first time.

Why are you trying to fix this for him?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Shanoa
♀ New Member
Member # 43284
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not trying to change him. I don't think his actions necessarily shape who he is as a person. Haven't we all made mistakes? IDK maybe I am just really naive or too forgiving. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. At the same time I am just a complete wreck. And I don't see a way out.


Me: 27
Him: 30
Us: Together for 12 years
He cheated and lied. I am lost.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can accept the fact that as long as he doesn't fix himself he will more than likely do this again, and you can live with that, then stay.

If you don't want to be with a cheater, then get yourself into counseling and find out why it is ok for you to be accepting this behavior from someone. You are not married, you don't have kids with him yet. Now is the time for you to make a change. Get yourself into counseling.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Alexisk17
♀ Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can accept the fact that as long as he doesn't fix himself he will more than likely do this again, and you can live with that, then stay.

^^^ pretty much sums it up

I'm not sure what else to say, I read the thread on JFO and you recieved a lot of great advice there.

Can relationships recover from infidelity? Absolutely! Can they recover when the wayward dismisses how you feel, refuses to attend counseling and doesn't like talking about the A? Doubtful.


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, he had his chance to just "know he won't do it again" and blew it by messaging the same ow! This is not to say he doesn't love you, unfortunately I've learnt that your SO can be a total jerk and still love you, but right now he is being about as selfish as he can get! So he gets to propose and then try and eat his cake too, get caught and then say he doesn't want to talk about it or get help? As someone else said,if you are prepared to accept that your future husband is going to walk all over you then yes, the relationship can survive. Do you really want that? Will that make you happy? Stand up, tell him what you need to R and stand by it, he will either grow up and give it to you or he will remain the same selfish man he is today! Good luck, I hope he comes to his senses, you deserve to marry a man you believe can love you and only you!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The answer to the question of "can we make it work?" is no!!! You cannot make it work with this guy. Anyone who thinks it's ok to fuck a 14 year old minor is not going to work for you. Especially one who will not get help.

You are not in R with this guy. Go back to your JFO thread. You have not gotten any different responses hear and the fine people in this section do not know your full story.

Stay with us Shanoa. You need to get those rose colored glasses off and get yourself well. Forget about this guy and work on YOU!!!


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 11

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