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User Topic: Shaking
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this morning F(?)WH is on his way out the door to go to work for a few hours...he's looking for his phone...I get it and hand it to him..and he notices there's a text..he immediately handed me the phone telling me he didn't know who it was from..did I know?


Nope.


So while Im staring at the text, my heart dropping, he grabs my phone and says he'll be back in a few hours..so he, again, handles this the right way...he sees the text, he hands me the phone, and because Im not sure who it's from, he leaves his phone with me. He was very calm. Very matter of fact.

I casually tell her I dont have her name in my contacts and ask her who she is. She tells me her first name. I jump online and start tracking down the number. And wow! I got a name on my first try...usually it says "name unknown" or some such bullshit. And it *was* the name she gave me.

Ok...so I have a name. I google...I facebook...the name matches a massage therapist 35 miles away.

Hmmm.

Heart drops...and keeps dropping...

Meanwhile, I am continuing to text this girl. I won't type out the conversation...basically she wans't very talkative, and when she was she sounded...young. It felt like I was texting one of my kids. At one point I said "This is F(?)WH,lol" And she responds with..."that's not the name in my contacts"

Oh.God. He gave her a different name.Oh GOD!!

So I asked if we've met...and she says :Not sure I go to nameofhighschool."

I said..."Oh then you're a kid? I thought you were my wife's friend messing with me."

She said no, and she was sorry, and I asked her to remove my number from her contacts and she said she would.


Ok. SO.

While I was doing all of this, I found a girl on facebook..name matched..and she went to the high school that was mentioned in the texts.

She is about 17.

Ok..help me calm down.

I think this Chris guy gave her the wrong number. I think this was all just a wrong number.

The name of the owner of the phone matches the name of a girl who goes to the high school she mentioned.

This is just random..right?


He handled it perfectly. He wasn't freaked out one bit by the first text and he left me with his phone..unasked. I know he has been at work when he says he is supposed to be there. There is no unaccounted time away from me.

My gut is quiet and has been for a long time. We are in a good place.

I just need someone to tell me either I am in denial and there is more to this...or Im just paranoid and overreacted?


I HATE that an unexplained text from a stranger can cause me to spiral down. I HATE that I can't trust him. I HATE that *I* feel like shit because I am even second guessing this text exchange between me an *Betty.
He is home..I will check back here in a bit.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7308 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sucks that a previous action makes one so hyper vigilant and paranoid but that is a consequence of poor behavior by our WS. From what you type I think it is an innocent coincidence. My opion is you're ok here. H seemed to do the right thing....I think I would go with the positive option this time.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't tell you you are in denial or that you're paranoid! You are smart, resilient, and a survivor of incredible trauma. It sucks that this happened However, it sounds like you and Mr. Confused handled it well.

Maybe after you and (F)WH talk and you have some distance from this it will turn out to be another block of trust in rebuilding your marriage.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Dec 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this the same way you do - wrong number.

I just don't see a WH handling it this way if he had something to hide.

I'd look for the number in the phone logs - if I saw a number of texts/calls, I'd be very worried.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she transposed as number and got your husband's cell.

It sounds like he did all the right things

(((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One time, I got a few texts from someone I didn't know--by the way the person was talking, it sounded like a young man. Asking me if I wanted to come by and hang out, said some other things that I don't remember. I do remember thinking how embarrassed this kid would be if he knew he was texting that stuff to some lady old enough be his mother. After a few messages, I finally texted him back and told him he had the wrong number. So, it does happen.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take a deep breath and focus on his actions. He handled the situation perfectly and did not get defensive at all. You know I'd be the first one to say if something was fishy here. I don't get that impression at all.

(((confused)))


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, all of you.

I am better now. I had a moment of panic, but it's passed.

He came home and I went right to him and he held me. I then showed him the texts between me and *Betty...then I showed him what I posted here.

He has spent the last few hours comforting me, reassuring me, holding me. There was no defensiveness, no anger. Just love.

I feel very loved.


Oh...and sisoon....I can promise you I was *all over* that phone in the few hours he was gone. I found nothing suspicious at all. Nothing.

Thanks to SI, I knew exactly what to look for and how to find it.



BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7308 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((confused))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is someone who keeps texting me randomly with "Happy Easter" or whatever. I ask who it is, no response.

And it sends me into the 5th dimension of freak-dom. Next time I will just block the number, now that I have the iphone update that lets you block. Last time it happened, I answered back, "If you know me at all, then you know why this is not funny at all. I'd appreciate if you'd either identify yourself or quit texting me."

Still crickets back.

And it just pisses me off that something like that can still really mess with my head.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2707 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is being transparent, so Yay for you!

I'm the Betrayed, and today I received 2 blocked calls that freaked me out. I picked up the second call, and some little old lady said "is this Nationwide?".

So, it does happen.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7547 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya know, maybe in the long run it's a good thing this occurred. He can't prove to you how he would handle something without it actually occurring.

He done good in all aspects(IMO).

Sucks that you're here in the first place, but he's proving himself.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2719 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((confused615)))

I would have been shaking too, but I would have also been put at ease with the way your FWH handled this.

About 5 months ago I started getting suggestive texts out of the blue from a local number. The first one was at 3am and that was a helluva thing to explain to FWH, even as the BS. I let him hang onto my phone for a while in the same gesture - absolutely zero to hide.

Well, when we started texting back to ask who the eff it was, he went silent so we just let it drop figuring it was a wrong number.

CRAZY thing was I went to get my iPhone looked at, and the guy behind the counter at the place we bought our phones was all "Why does this number look familiar?" and then checked his phone and the color drained from his face. SOMEHOW homedude has his customers numbers on his phone (says he has to use his work phone to ping them for the setup), and mistook my name for someone else. I never got a good explanation for how exactly that works - but the guy no longer works there.

Based on what you posted, I believe your FWH.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:05 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He came home and I went right to him and he held me. I then showed him the texts between me and *Betty...then I showed him what I posted here.

He has spent the last few hours comforting me, reassuring me, holding me. There was no defensiveness, no anger. Just love.

I feel very loved.

This is the best thing I've read today. I'm happy that he's there for you and supported you they you needed to be and the way he should.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HUGS))

I'd have been in orbit with anxiety too, but he handled it well.

I get random calls and texts for a guy named David ALL THE TIME - he has the same number as me but a different area code. It could be something as simple as that.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this is working out. I'm very sorry you had a big scare, though.

Lack of defensiveness, being transparent, providing the support one asks for (verbally or non-verbally) - a real winning combo.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Confused)))

I'm so glad this turned out well. And while it sucks that we worry about a random text...which I've gotten too...we also have an opportunity to build trust and love from that one random thing. So happy fwh handled it so well!!


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 502 | Registered: Aug 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your ok, sounds like a wrong #. I get those, in fact the last one said, hey girl, got some good herb, hit me up


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4913 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was no defensiveness, no anger. Just love

That's your answer right there.
And you KNOW that.
I'm so happy to hear that he is *working* with you.


(With the added caveat -- *IF* you ever find out that this was NOT a *mix-up*, you divorce him immediately.)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7920 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonna, if I ever find out this was an OW..I will be gone before he comes home from work. He is well aware that I have my ducks lined and waiting to go. There will be NO confrontation. No questions. Just an empty house and divorce papers.

Thanks all.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7308 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 20

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