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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just maybe to warn some of you that sometimes a man gets to be so obsessive over another women even when she does nothing to encourage it.

Oftencheatedon - I do not know your story so I am not sure if you are an OW or not but even if you were an OW you are welcome to post here.

I find your above warning interesting - personnally I really don't care who pursued who more, both WS are to blame in an A. While both are to blame, there is only one that you have to live with if you are attempting R. Trying to calculate which WS is more at fault does not matter when looking in the past. However in my opinion, the WS who was not obsessive in pursuing may actually be more difficult to R with than the one who did pursue. Highly passive aggressive behavior that you describe is much more difficult to feel safe with going forward as a BS.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 10:59 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oftencheated:

I have to be honest....i am perplexed as to why you would join this site...if you have nothing to do with the betrayal and this man is stalking you....that is a totally different ball of wax...you need to get legal counsel as to what recourses you can and should take...

miracle front: i know it gets darker before the dawn....so i have been expecting it....i just didn't expect from my kids....

and i know that it will get much much worse as pfm hasn't really gotten started yet....i am looking forward....and unfortunately it will be some time before forward will contain my kids...

it hurts....i know they are just being "teen" even though only one is .....but it still hurts...and i know that eventually this will all blow over...but so much damage has been done...and for now i do not see that ending...but actually getting worse with them as well....

this process can't go fast enough for me right now!!!


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RP.. Oftencheatedon said "sort of" a OW. She is no OW unless she took his calls, met with him, etc.. Quality to me is when you say to this man.. get out of my life (but it can be nice until you must place harsh pressure).

Iwant.. my thoughts..

but actually getting worse with them as well....

So reverse it. Our kids react to what we do, what we say, etc. If you can master things that net good feelings, good behaviors, then things will not get worse.

Razor made a post a few days ago about placing himself in this mode…

Every once in awhile I will just sit in a room by myself and let myself feel that sadness. I think we should all give our self permission to do that once in a while.
I never knew how to do this before my dday. I had never been hurt nor felt pain to that extent.

So I did it the other day. I took myself to a place with permission that I have not been in a long time… Songs can take me to that dark place. So I pulled my ipod and picked those song to take me there. Many of Staind and Missy Higgins can take me there..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlmdLVILCZw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCLERYzJsYA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSNAhhGYLXk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm9KBabovmc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqmRDV0a_70
Ok.. I did it.. I didn’t like it and no, I won’t do it again with intent. I am not sure what good came from it? A cry I suppose… you always feel better after that.

Now on the flip side of this.. Imagine if you can take your mind to a place of loving someone.. A far better thing for you. My Therapist says.. you do this, not that above. Just a FYI.

Ats.. No sexual man should go weeks without sex. So go seduce her. Start by bring her a simple stupid gift.. hey I check this out honey.. hours or a day later. Grab her hand and walk with her.. go up to her and rub her neck for a minute.. in bed take your foot and place yours underneath it.. then just grab her and embrace her with a huge tight hug and lay a big one on her.. do this over a couple days.. during this time, when she takes discussion to a negative place you intentionally, in a smooth unidentifiable way take her to a different more positive place, invite her to lay next to you on the couch.. Strategically say some things that build her up.. For something she did.. Notice what she has done for you and thank her.. with a warm touch.. then one morning when you know the kids won’ t be around later that day, or perhaps if she will be home for lunch. After you have done nothing but good things.. You look at her and tell her.. “I am going to fuck you.. so be ready.” See what that gets you. Go have some fun with it.

Oh sure you might get rejected.. you say something .. OK and right in front of her you take care of business. How scary is that? Oh she will watch… let her. Then roll over and kiss her good night or back to work, and perhaps say something like… “It would have been far better with you”..

So today.. two years in the making, I can celebrate not placing my wife a mode where she felt her A was shame and guilt. Even in some very stressful, not so good moments where I wanted to spew it.. to correct her.. conflict…


[This message edited by trynhard at 5:55 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2704 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Manipulation.. verb (used with object), ma·nip·u·lat·ed, ma·nip·u·lat·ing.

1. to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner: to manipulate people's feelings.

So what is unfair when you love someone.. Nothing.


Posts: 2704 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: the advice you gave ats will only land him in hotter water....no woman wants to see her husband take care of himself because she won't...and unless your sex life is healthy, im bettin that no woman wants her husband to demand and tell her that he is going to fuck her.....i am pretty sure that mrs ats will have a huge adverse reaction to this....

for ats this is still about her not making him feel safe for mrs ats it she responding in old and "her" safe ways....she does not know how to respond otherwise at the out start....she always seems to revert...but unless i remember incorrectly she comes back and corrects her stance.....

old habits are hard to break...and we humans respond to certain sich out of habit.....when this happens, after the initial response mrs ats or whoever cause it happens to all of us.....would have to come back and change her perspective....those peeps who are actively trying to change bad habits will do just that, provided of course they recognize the initial response is the habit that needs to be broken....

not sure if i am saying it clearly....

bottom line...mrs ats i am sure will not have a positive response and will only create more friction....


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: the advice you gave ats will only land him in hotter water....

I have to disagree a bit. Tryn wrote it in words that he might use in that situation and ats needs to use his own style. However, I think the point Tryn is making is that ats needs to be very clear and direct with what he expects and I think that is exactly what the situation demands. Mrs ats is going to keep avoiding the issue with more subtle or indirect approaches. Conflict avoidance is something many waywards do well.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm usually over in General but in responding to a post on what constitutes an LTA, I realized that's where my ws is. So thought I would venture in. So is this mainly for those that are in R from an LTA or just anyone's welcome. I was in a one sided R until I discovered it never ended. It's been going on for prob 7 or 8 yrs. It's a long story but we are still M, still in the same home and..he still in contact with ow. Anyhoo. Hi All!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome ostrich.....we have all circumstances here....there are those that are "r" happily, there are those that are "r" but not happily, there are those that r just not divorced, and there are those that are getting divorced and those that are already divorced, and occasionally we get a wayward in here, here and there...

sometimes the group is quite chatty and sometimes its eerily quiet in here.....

for the most part we are a good humored group who try our darndest to be as supportive as possible no matter what your sich is...and a lot of us have come to know each other's stories quite well.....for me its always felt like family in here

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 7:00 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice Tryn, it is not that I haven't tried some of those things. She does not do morning sex, always has to be showered and brushed before hand. If I push sex she will lay passively until I finish, then get up an go to the spare room to sleep. Besides, it is not so much the physical release. It is me wanting to feel loved. In discussions and MC I have been as clear as I could be. I have tried, with persistence, all the typical advice. I know her love language, not gifts, and have used that (and bought gifts).

The problem is how she filters my actions and her feelings. I tell her how much I appreciate something that she did and she does not believe me. I ask what she would like or I could do for her and she days nothing, she does not want to feel she "owes" me. She provided sex and flirting to OM to keep their attention and affirmation. From them she believed it. From me she thinks I just am nice because I have to be or because I want sex.If we were S or D I believe that she would flirt and provide sex to me to keep me hooked just like OM or when we were dating. Married, she does not have to engage sexually to keep us connected. Remember that for her the connection is more living together and my taking care of things, and appearing "normal" than it is about emotion and intimacy.

Hope this reads ok, I am on my phone at the airport on my way to my second conference this week.

Ats


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for the most part we are a good humored group who try our darndest to be as supportive as possible no matter what your sich is...and a lot of us have come to know each other's stories quite well...for me its always felt like family in here

Unlurking to say:
I ToTally agree with IwaM's description of the LTA tribe! {{{Miracle}}}
Welcome Ostrich and anyone who has joined us but I have not acknowledged!
I am in the "R but struggling" group of LTA. This supportive group has lifted me up during dark times and celebrated happy events over the years since discovering SI shortly after Dday in February 2007. My FWH no longer works with the OW but does have some contact via business dealings with the company where she works now. Her sisters (large family) still work seasonally at his firm so there has not been what I consider NC completely and no shortage of triggering moments either. But my LTA family has been here for me when I need them - publicly and privately.

Thanks everyone and have the best weekend possible!


Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh I like it here already..thanks for the warm welcomes.
I'm not in R. Maybe a limbo status, maybe waiting for a miracle. More on.my part I suppose because I am losing my feelings for him at a rapid speed. I.don't know what I want. I guess in a perfect unmessy world, he would be the man I thought he was and.I would somehow forget all he's done and jump on board but its a messy world and.I'm not holding my breath. I suppose we will not make it.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Ostrich! *waving* Welcome to the tribe.

I don't know why I never thought to recommend this thread to you.

Yeah, miracle pretty much nailed the diverse tribe here. I feel miracle is probably in the same kind of sitch that you are in.

Does your youngest graduate this year?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10085 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sister no, one more year. This year flew by so..oh wait what's the saying, time flies when your having fun


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ostrich: Welcome to the LTA tribe. Miracle said it very well. We are a diverse group in terms of where we are in "R", "D" or as some have put it: not divorcing. We do have a common denominator: we all have been dealing with a LTA.

I have come to realize, that no matter if you are in R, or D, or limbo, it takes a long time to come to terms with a LTA for yourself.

Although it would be ideal if the WS was helping the BS to heal, no matter what , the BS needs to work on their healing whether or not the WS is helping. This is key.

Because it is a LTA, IC is very, very helpful in the healing process.

Posting and reading on SI is also very helpful. The wise person would read advice and think about it and make their own decision. I found that on SI, the majority of people really want to help, but we are all individuals and do the best we can.

Ats: When I was reading your post, I realized something. It's good and bad
I believe that you and Mrs. Ats have "R" in regards to the LTA. You have both worked very, very hard. Mrs. Ats should appreciate all you have done, and from what you have shared these past few years, Mrs. Ats has tried via IC to work through her issues.
I believe that you have really understood and internalized that it's Mrs. Ats' FOO issues that was the major problem and not you. She seems to have realized this too.

You have both tried so very, very hard. I admire you both. I really do.

I know you love her very much, and I believe that Mrs. Ats loves you to best of her capability.

But that is the thing.

Is that enough for you?

I believe at this point, it's not the LTA, but the M as it is at this point.

It's very bittersweet.

I know, and I truly believe that Mrs. Ats has tried her best. I really do.

I KNOW that you have gone over and above the call of duty to save the M.

At this point, you have to soul search and see if what is going on now is what you want for the rest of your life?

I believe you get along well, and solved a lot of issues, but the intimacy is lacking. I don't know if she is capable. It's not that she is not a good person, I believe she is.

But, you have to really soul search Ats.

Ann Landers, an old time advice columnist used to answer people very concisely:

Are you better off with them or without them?

{{{{{Ats}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:32 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 1961 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ostrich...glad you feel welcome...share your story whenever your ready...your profile was short and sweet and there is nothing short and sweet about a lta......however....and its a big HOWEVER....it may not be short and sweet but that doesn't meant that you cannot have your happy ending....

there are many here that have not achieved that...and there are a few here who have....and there are many more who have and have moved on from si.....or even a few who just don't post in here anymore....or do not post in here often....

the part about a happy ending...if you are reconciling ...it takes 2....if you are not its all up to you on what you decide to do with your life.....the only person any of can control is ourselves...and only ourselves....


ats: intimacy...true intimacy is the sharing of ones life....not neessarily always voicing your feelings...let me explain....there are many who convey what they feel with actions rather then words....and honestly, actions will always speak louder then any spoken word.......for mrs ats, she cannot vocalize all of what she feels....but ats, she has chosen you, she is giving you all of what she is capable of ....like honest said...will this and is this enough....

you yourself have time and time again posted that you are a simple man...with simple needs....and for the most part she meets a lot of them...when you have expected nothing from her, she comes back and surprises you, when you expect nothing and recieve anything, its more then you expected....

i ask you to look at your marriage overall minus the occasional family function where mrs ats will have a guaranteed meltdown of sort....when you look at it .....is there balance, is there happy times, do you communicate about the daily shit well....do you feel content, satisfied or even happy...or are you miserable, always fighting, never feeling safe

honest said it well....are you better off with her or without her...remember minus the stuff that does not come up often...that would not be fair to either of you.....

i have to admit it, i have always rooted for the both of you...mrs ats will always be that poor wounded child....and also the woman who had tried to make the best of what she has been dealt since she has been exposed....she has been honest with you as well....telling you her capabilities.....its when she tells you about her incapabilities that you take it personally....yet it really has nothing to do with you...its not about does she love you enough...it is not about the lta either, honest was on point with that as well....mrs ats and you both are the underdog to me, which is prob why i have rooted so hard for you both...

its not an easy decision ats...but for your sake i think its time you made it ....you waffle when she meltsdown.....its normal to have doubts especially after experiencing the betrayal we have all experienced on such a huge level....i think you need to make peace with yourself, within yourself...it sucks a big monkeys ass to live in limbo...and my friend you have put yourself in limbo for quite a long time now....

((((ats))))


waving right at ya lostsuol....good to "see" you

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
anongrl
♀ New Member
Member # 43617
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been pouring through these posts for days. My story is post in "Just found Out". Long and short of it is, my husband had an affair with an old friend of his off and on for thirty years. While the shock still remains (only two weeks out) since he confessed, I have more questions of myself than answers. I cannot get past the length of the affair more then the when's and what's. I read the texts from the night before he confessed to me and other then what appeared to be an argument they were having, it still ended with "I love you" WS told me he didn't like the person he had become anymore, hence the confession. How can you even think of forgiveness when this has been imbedded in a relationship so long? How will I ever believe that his feelings for this person have disappated when its gone on this long. He said there were feelings that never went away. All the posts ive read, I don't believe that a person wakes up the next morning and decides after that long just to give up. Any advice from those who have a similar situation? I have started counseling (one session) but those of you who know, the first time is giving up the 'why" you are there. Not all affairs fit into the same mold, as I don't think all advice does either.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2014
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((anongirl))))

as much as i hate it, i could relate in a big way...my ws also had a 30 year affair...at the time i was with him for 25 of those years...which means preceeded me....and it sucks monkey guts honey


i do not know all of your story but did read your posts in jfo....

now first and foremost...cut yourself some major slack here....i am sure you are still in major shock, this is basiclly your own personal 9-11.....there will be a ton of info to absorb, there will also be a ton of conflicting emotions....

you MUST take care of yourself...hydrate, eat andkeep going to ic, if you find you do not like your ic, get a new one til you find one that makes you feel "safe"...safe is a feeling you no longer have i am sure...


read the healing library, all of it...it will help..remember when reading advice..take what you need and drop the rest....and remember that everyone here is trying to help, so intentions are good even if the advice is not...and that would include mine too..

try to exercise..take walks or jog, bike...anything that keeps you moving....on down time try to do something to feed your soul...the exercise will also help with that

time is a nasty wonderful 4 letter word that you will hear over and over again...its because its what you need, whether or not you end up "r" or not

and lastly do not make any life decisions until you can make it without "raw" emotion....and do what you need to do to heal yourself

as for surviving this shit...it is possible....while i am not in the "r" category, there are those that have....there aren't many of us though that have ws's who have had an affair longer then we even knew them....everyone has a unique story with similar circumstances...there will always be something that someone else here will be able to relate too..especially for a "lta"

come to si as ofter as you need and post often, post in every forum that applies to you....this is 24/7 group therapy


in my beginning days i posted many times throughout each day, sometime many times within an hour....and it all helps...

as for your ws...i suggest you figure out exactly what you need from him and tell him....give him a todo list...and a good place to start is ic and mc.....and let him know that the list will change as YOU need....you cannot always know what you will need in the future from him...and if he is truly remorseful he will or should make an attempt at doing what you ask...if he does not that will also be something you will and can take into consideration when you are ready to decide what you want...

we are here for you....its sometimes quiet in here, especially on weekends...just so you know....


((((anongirl))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
anongrl
♀ New Member
Member # 43617
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle, thank you so much. Its truly horrible that anyone can relate to me. I have not made any life altering decisions yet, however, I can state at this point, I will never understand. I have 2 children also and I know it kills him for them to see him in this light. apparently another thing he didn't think of when he made his choices. No matter how sorry he is at the moment, I still believe that he is in self preservation mode. a fairly good lifestyle and all that goes with it, will be harder for him to give up. Very concerned with what other people think. I do believe that he has a lot of narcissistic traits. He will eventually make this all about him and what he needed. Right now, my decision to stay will remain with the need to make sure my children get what they need. I cannot imagine, at this point, clinging to someone who had the ability to do this for that period of time. I almost wish it was a ONS, that might be easier to forgive. I am a beliver that people just don't turn feelings off and on in the spur of the moment. However, both the narcissist and the sociopath are capable of that. We shall see as we move forward.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2014
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anongirl...reading your post is like reading my own.....


i can tell you that of course it is all about them....it always was...

...NOW....will he still make it all about him or will it change to a healthy all about both of you and all about your family....and of course he is in self-preservation mode...that is normal for anyone....its whether he is wiling to do the work and it is work...

you will know and see the difference, i promise you that....as long as you are willing to truly "see"...for example...i gave my ws a list of requirements...the entire list was mandatory...he did most of what was there, but not all....my requirements were simple....and this was important...i gave him 6 months....at that point in my marriage, he is and was passive-aggressive....he would always make promises and never keep them...so i knew that i was no longer going to wait for what would never be...words were just words and i needed actions...and sadly, being inthe same home he still could have "shown" me the man i required him to be all this time, but sadly showed me almost daily that he does stupid very well and i am on the correct path for me!!

he went to ic, did mc....and it was a couple of months in that i realized that mc was a total waste of time...he was incapable of working on a marriage when what was broken in him had to be fixed first...but he still continued to lie to me...and i even gave him an out...a habitual liar cannot just turn it off, first instinct is to lie...so i told him when you catch yourself and you always know when you are lying..come to me five minutes later even an hour later and own up to it...he never did that, not even once...he only would admit his lies when he was caught and he still has yet to OWN his behavior, all of it....there is always excuses and reasons when speaks about it...and ironically in some way blames me,,,,

i can tell you that i stayed with him for my kids...it backfired, my kids at this moment at least 2 out of 3, are speaking to him and not me....would i do it again..i would because 1 of my kids is unstable and has been unstable....i knew at the time my son was at an age where you make stupid stupid choices, so i opted to not give him an excuse to make them...he made some anyways...but the stupid choices he has made so far are reversible....not like drugs (heroin is a huge problem in the neighborhood, and its a coveted neighborhood with great schools)...

on the outside and from the outside he became the model husband and father....he was no longer on his phone for 23 out of 24 hours with work and women, he was no longer self involved...when we took vacation he took vacation instead of working on vacation....he gave up part of his side business because i asked him to (it was where he met ow #2..she was a simultaneous 12 year affair)....when we had parties or company, he was no longer attached to his phone and was quite active in helping me with everything, on a daily basis...he helped around the house all the time, he would do anything i asked as far as getting or fixing anything..all i had to do was mention that something needed to be done and he couldn't get to it fast enough..

but he was still a liar...and he lied and still lies about anything....i have caught him in simple stupid lies and a few biggies...

he still has no boundaries where women are concerned

he is not an open, honest and transparent man....

i have finally come to the point where my kids were done with school, i went back to school to become certified as a medical assistant (doesn't pay much but enough to make ends meet) i have a job that has benefits and i have hired a lawyer and moving forward with divorce....i am 5 1/2 years out....longest 5 1/2 years ever....hardest years ever.....

this was harder then dealing with the loss of my dad and my sister, and the fact that on an emotional level i have lost my kids......has made this journey that much more difficult....

so expect the unexpected, KNOW that you are not alone on this journey from hell, there are many here on the same journey, whatever path you choose, take care of you at all times, and never believe until you "SEE"........

come up with your short list of requirements...like honesty, transparency, all passwords etc....and let him know as time goes on the list may grow depending on discovery.....

for me i found the 30 year affair first, but had no clue it was the length of time it was...in trying to find out as much as i could about her on my own...i found the 12 year affair....at that point i put ow#1 on hold to pursue what i could about #2, because #2 looked at the out-start to be more involved....

dr phil (love him) always says for every rat you do see, there are 50 you don't...

anyways....enough of my ramblin....


(((anongirl))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS had an affair that pretty much proceeds our marraige too. What I cannot wrap my mind around are the following:

1. Why did you even get married? If you were truly conflicted, for God's sake, why would you make it permanent with allt he pomp and circumstance?

2. When you had the chance to chose, why didnt you just chose the other person to begin with?

3. Why if you are living with the AP as though you are in a relationship, do you not file? Your actions show where you wanna be..go be there.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
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