I also know a lot of great men as I'm sure u r one of them!!!
...there was a time when i wished he would just die....now i wish it were me....my kids are all angry with me, i have lost them, the relationships we had. the irony of it all does not escape me....i stayed in the marriage because i thought it was best for the kids, but i never once let pfm believe that i wanted to be "married", he knew from the 6 month mark that i wanted a divorce...my kids have all found out about their dad, one by one....and its been a hell of a ride these past 5 years....but here i am thinking FINALLY i am getting down to the nitty gritty, getting to where i can finally do what i need to to for me.....i no longer need to put my kids needs ahead of my own...well turns out i may have done more harm then good....would i change my path...no i wouldn't...more irony there...i really believe i did the right thing as a mother....i also took the time to line up those ducks wihch are almost lined up perfectly...except of course i lost my kids...
i got the flu , was diagnosed the day before Mother's Day...spent that day in the er on iv fluids because i was dehydrated.....not one of kids cared enough to "see" how i was...and worse...mothers day, not one of my kids wished me the day, actually not one of them even spoke to me in any way shape and form....and it seemingly has happened one by one i have lost them....
i hate my job, i hate my life right now....i wish i was the one who was dead or that he just died way back when.. This is all his fault, i never forsaw how he could make my home into a house completely divided, but he did....all of my good intentions were for naught...
i still know that i acted in their best interest, i still know that iright now he represents "freedon" to them, he has his own agenda and he doesn't care how this will affect them, only how it will affect him.....he is happy about it, because he is for once not in the 'hot' seat....i am....he is the parent they turn too, not me....he is eating it all up not realizing that in the long term he is hurting them and eventully it will hurt his relationships with them...they will at some point in time resent him for his behavior.....but that may take a while...and in the meantime, i miss my kids....i miss being "mom"....now i am just their mother!!! and not even mother enough to wish her a happy Mother's Day mom, hope you feel better!!!!
i am so tired of waiting...i feel like i have spent almost my entire life waiting for something to take place so that i can finally be happy....i know i have to make those things happen and have been working hard to do just that....the only solace i have is that i actually enjoyed my kids from the time they were born until d-day....d-day i must confess, changed me, changed my mommy ways....my kids lost me....omg...my kids lost me first....but little by little i was getting me back....
when will it be my turn....oh that sounds so pitiful....i dont deserve any of this....i wonder all the time why???? i have had such a hard lonely life....omg i have to tstop....my mother alwas ys taught me that it could always be worse....
ok,,,time to change it up....i am grateful, i have 3 great kids...they are healthy, and they will be amazing adults!!! i have an amazing mom, who was both mom and dad to me....and i have some wonderful friends...i have my health...(the flu is but a hiccup) i have a job, i have a plan....
i will survive all of it, and i will thrive....i will get my kids back at some point in time...and i know that this is all rebellion at its best....i pray its while i am alive to enjoy them again!!
i have learned that life is short..must live in the present...and live for the future...
all of this still would have been better had he just died back then...
and i keep on steppin!!!
i no longer need to put my kids needs ahead of my own...well turns out i may have done more harm then good....would i change my path...no i wouldn't...more irony there...i really believe i did the right thing as a mother....i also took the time to line up those ducks wihch are almost lined up perfectly...except of course i lost my kids...
Mr UKg said “let go of the past and the past will let go of you”. Hmm…. In order to let go of the past, I would have to let go of the marriage….. Do I wish I had thrown him out and made him choose one way or the other from day one? Hell, you bet I do.
I never thought about how our choices affect others before. Not really. Now I think that because I chose to stay and keep schtum, DS29 is now with the Kentish girl (lovely) in NZ, DS27 is with the Kiwi girl (lovely) in NZ, DS25 is with English Classics girl (lovely) in London. DS19 has taken a year out before uni and is at home. My boys would never have met these girls. DS19 might have chosen to travel. MOW’s older DD married and had a baby a few months ago. They live in Sydney. I sit and wonder about it all sometimes. My choice to NOT throw WH out and probably into the arms of MOW (being with her would have been better than being alone…..) has resulted in these relationships and this baby. And DS19 making this particular choice because we still live here rather than me living several miles up the road as a divorcee.
And THAT, my dear iwam, is what has kept me this side of the dark curtain. I know I have done the right thing by my children. If I had chosen to divorce the fuckwit, that would have been the right thing too. And I still have that choice. But it will have a much lesser effect on the boys. But...I can’t do a Butterfly Effect and change things. So I tell myself I did the right thing. I know I did. And you must tell yourself the same. Because you did.
Hugs and love to you (((((iwam)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:41 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
i am feeling much better emotionally....i am getting my resolve back......i am very much a realist, and for now i have lost my kids....i know that someday the relationships will mend, but the relationships i had are dead. and i would be fooling myself to see it any other way...and sadly my kids lost their mom on d-day and that was the first relationship that died....they didn't have me....i was lost, i was in pain, i drowned in a pool of tears.....the person i was had died and a new me evolved....and she is not a better me.....but i am going through another metaphorisis now....and hopefully when "I" emerge from this latest change i wll be "ME"....not the old me but an older, wiser me...someone who can be open and ready to share
to say that this journey is life changing is an accurate statement...it writes on who we are, one of those privotal moments that changes who we are....but the key is....at least i believe the key is that our basic core is still there....who we are at our core doesn't change but evloves....and sometimes we can't see who we are because we get lost in all of it....
anyways in my long winded way....i know my basic core is intact....i also know that i am on the end lap of this last road....granted my road will turn into a super highway with many potholes....but the beauty of a superhighway...you finally get somewhere...it is the getting there that will be a hell of a ride or more like the ride from hell.....but i look forawrd to it because it means an end to the way of life i have been existing in and a new beginning to a life i could "live"
ok...i went back a reread all the past posts...and dammit to hell it still blows me away....all of it
even though i am not in "r",i firmly believe that any marriage t survive this takes a ws who is more then wiling but extrememly committed to changing whatever it is that is broken within them to have done this...without that the bs will NEVER feel safe, the bs may feel content, but never "happy".....and for some that may be enough
you cannot change what you do not acknowledge....and you cannot accept what you do not acknkowledge...
acknowledgment is a good first step...whatever it is that needs to be acknowledged whether it be the bs or the ws...after all change is what we all seek, of course we all seek a positive change, but sadly that may not always be the case....but even sadder would be "no change"....staying in the limbo state, or staying in the dark, or staying because of fear.....imo is much worse....i for one believe that we all deserve to be happy and at the very least content with our lives....
the lta is truly a different breed of animal....surviiving and thriving are possible....but one must be willing to do the work...and yes it can be quite scary at times....and yes it can hit some major potholes, but the reward is worth the journey....its the one journey that gets you somewhere
so what can "you" do today to ease your present and plan for your future????
on some days the answer wll be just geting out of bed...on other days its going out dancing and still on another day getting a job.....the key...keep moving TOWARDS a better present and an even better future....
It's time for you to follow some of it now....change starts with one step.... take the first step to move toward an independent life for yourself.
You can do it.
Your children will respond. Give them time.
Focus on a fresh start for yourself and the rest will fall into place.
When you divorce you will get 50% of the marital assets. That should be enough for you to move out on your own and start a new life. Once that step is taken you can begin to look at other aspects of your life like finding a new job etc.
You can do it.
You deserve to be happy.
Thank you for your reply. I read it for the second time tonight and think I needed it even more this time than last.
OW had a baby. We do not know if my H is the father.
Together: 16 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 11, 6, 3
Limbo 2 + years after dday
Short term, kids like an indulgent and permissive parent. They also like staying out till early morning, sleeping in till noon, and leaving clothes on the floor. None of these things are good for them, and all of these are behaviors they will eventually have to change in order to be happy and successful in life.
All a parent can do is the best we can, and what we belive is right. Even then there are going to be times of outbursts and behaving in ways we wish we had not.
It does sound as though you are turning a corner to your new path.
Hey old dipstick, thanks for speaking up against generalizations against menz.
UKgirl, nice to hear (read) from you.
He's in IC, we are in MC ... although I am looking to switch from cognitive/behavioral (she's got more IC than a couples therapy focus) to EFT for us and then I've looked into EMDR for myself... and hoping to also get WH as well given his trauma hx
so yah, that's a work in progress... ugh, i would rather have the time machine admittedly ;-)
doing nutrisystem and that 10-min. workout beachbody system so I'll be in better physical shape in a couple months. Wish the massive depression wasn't a tagalong with the weight-loss but glad to finally get baby weight off (just wish I had known that was why he was so frigid after our son was born... geesh I took all of his hostility and blamed my tiredness running after 3 young kids to "give him space" ... what a fool I was)
I have to admit it is small consolation that he figured out pretty fast he had nothing in common other than her claim that's his son... he still lied sending her flowery notes and flowers (while then spending actual valentines, mothers day, christmas etc with me and family) and that just gets to me = how easily he says things like how he was "cautious" regarding getting a PO box to not get mail to the house... ugh = no you lied/ you were deceptive
it's early for me but I just am really not liking having so much disgust and honestly not feeling compassion at this point... hoping retrouvaille this weekend will help a bit
fingers crossed hoping my heart is not hardening
"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."
So there has been some changes in my world. The open part of my M is over. Our M has only been open for the last few years (that I knew about anyways) and it is probably a good thing for us moving forward that it ends.
The strange part of it all though is its put some fear in my head with regards to the LTA and trust going forward. Even though we have been together for almost 16 years - I have really never been the only person that has been with my wife in any of those years. I have known about the last couple years but before that I had no clue. I think that fear is why I let things go on after DDay - it felt more safe that I knew what was going on rather than what may be going on that I didn't know about.
It is likely a safer and better option going forward with the open M part over, I just find it hard right now to feel that way and have a lot of LTA thoughts occupying my mind lately again. I hate the 2 steps forward, 1 step back that this process seams to take.
I know how much this hurts. You've put up with so much crap for them, for what you felt was the best for them. You know that you did everything for your kids and did the best you could. They will know this too and already know it deep in their hearts.
Now is the time for Miracle. I am so proud and awed by you. You went back to school and although the job you currently have sucks, you have your education and experience to get a better one. Keep moving forward. We have your back. Keep posting and venting. We all love you.
UKgirl: good to see you. You have a good perspective and great advice to Miracle. We have to look at the past from all sides and know that we made the best decision we could have made at the time considering the circumstances and how much pain and trauma we were in. I hope things are going better for you. Give us an update.
NJgal: You have always been such a wonderful support for all of us. Thank you so much for your wisdom and kindness!
Merida: The best thing you can do right now is to work on healing yourself. You can only control you. You can be open to communication with your WH, but unless he is in 100% to R, a new marriage cannot be made. The old Marriage is dead. Don't believe any crap he might give you that it was your fault for whatever stupid reason he comes up with. Granted, a spouse may feel unhappy for many reasons, but the choice to have an A because a person is unhappy is all on the WS.
Reunite: I feel the main thing in your case is that if you both decide on how your M will be, you have to both agree and abide by that decision. You both need to be clear about the boundaries and what is to be expected. This is a new marriage. Going forward with trust will take time. It is often said on SI to try to trust, but to still verify. Trust will have to be earned and it will take time.
It's hard to reconcile with the past. In your case, you have to look at what the two of you had agreed upon and how those boundaries were not kept.
Welcome to all the newbies. I have to reread and catch up on everyone.
merida.....boy thats alot of counseling of all types....sounds like i did way back in the beginning...get as many answers as one can from as many sources as possible...while i did not do all of the formal types of counseling that you and your ws are about to undertake, i did a couple of them, still in ic as a matter of fact, and i hit the library taking out book after book, i even a bought a few....
bottom line....you both need to do the work...and this i know...even if he does the work...he needs to commit to the process and be completely 100% honest with himself when he does it....my ws did the work but still would not accomplish the honest part....and its not always easy to see oneself.
i know for my ws to "see" who he was would be to "see" all he has done, and he would have had to accept full responsibility and be fully accountable for all his actions.....so we are where we are today because of it....me seeking "d".....
so go into all of your counseling, eyes wide open..to all that can be and more importantly.."all that is"
honest...your post was wonderful....you are a new woman honest...no longer the woman you once were, but a a woman who "sees" and a woman who has come into her own!!!
as for me...i am in a better emotional place today, and after reading a totally heartbreaking story in off topic i feel blessed!!
hey dip: give us an update on mrs dip. and its been good to "see" you here again
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 4:54 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
That's what my FWH and I did. We basically have a new marriage. He has changed drastically,but, I have changed too.
When I agreed to try to reconcile after d-day I did so with the intention that this was a fresh start for us and I actually looked at it as a do-over and a chance for us to get it right this time around.
Of course, this attitude may have been easier for me than for other BS because I had real tangible proof that my FWH was serious about making changes in himself.
He threw the OW under the bus immediately after d-day and never once contacted her again, he was extremely remorseful and begged for a second chance and never blamed me for the infidelity, he got sober (something that I had wanted for over 30 yrs), he went to AA and he followed the program completely- 90 meetings in 90 days at first and he has stayed sober for over 7 yrs now, he also went to IC after d-day for 1 and 1/2 years (the first 6 months he went to IC 2x per week!), he was transparent and gave me access to everything-cell phone, computer, credit card bills, etc.
I know I've listed these things before but we have quite a few newbies here on LTA and I wanted to share my story with them because so often people ask: 'how a BS can reconcile after a LTA?'
It can happen and you can move forward and have a happy marriage and a good relationship again.
The main thing you need is a remorseful WS who is willing to do the hard work to reconcile.
And... it takes time... I did not get to this point overnight. I went to IC for 4 years after d-day. I was traumatized by the LTA.
But I did survive and even thrive.
Those first days, weeks, months, even years after d-day are very difficult and things may seem bleak but you can get through this and thrive-whether you reconcile or decide to divorce and move forward on your own.
A book that was helpful for me was: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman.
Its a good book because he understands how traumatic infidelity is for the BS ....
He gives advice for those that are divorcing after infidelity as well as for those attempting to reconcile.
I posted in the Just found out forum, but to catch everyone up, my H was cheating on me for 10 years with the same woman. She sent me a letter. Hoping to file papers tomorrow. She wins. My heart is broken. Oh... we also have a 3 week old child. Awesome!!
No R. D FILED.
Welcome April, I sorry you are here but you found a good group of people experienced on LTAs here. I wish you strength to get through this early part - we all know how hard it is. How are you doing today?
If paternity hasn’t yet been proved, then your WH should go No Contact. Kick her back into the gutter from whence she came.
Reconciliation is possible and njgal is the best example of how to go about it. Set your boundaries and set your standards. Let your WH know he can come along with you or you will be perfectly okay (in time) without him. Let him know he has to carry the majority of the work to get a new marriage. But you have to come to love yourself again. Accept that his choices are not your fault – they are flaws in his makeup. He has to find out why he did what he did and work on improving himself to be a better man, a better father and a better husband.
MOW is coming to the end of her time being a Very Important Person as interim head at a primary school. She finishes Friday at the end of the half term. I know she will have time on her hands from then and I still feel I have to watch her. So. I went to her FB page. She's changed her pic to one from back in 1981/2 with her baby daughter on her lap. The similarities between us are
I knew we shared a lot in common and I think Mr UKg went out with me because I was like her! Even her hair is the same. I looked at some old photos of me. We could be from the same family. And it has freaked me out a bit!
Heart thumping sick feeling moment. Just had to say it somewhere......
Just don't know if I can do this anymore. The constant wondering, the walking on egg shells, who is the man I married really? A little background...my H was NEVER mean or hurtful...the kind of husband everyone said I was so lucky to have....EA lasted almost 3+ years and PA 2+ and he never admitted anything until I found out enough that he couldn't lie anymore---three separate ddays each separated by 1 year...fast forward to the present -we are 4 years out and he is still the loving guy who swears he has changed on the inside but he does not love to talk about the past or his feeling-so outside he looks very similar to before and on the inside-well he does not like to talk about his feelings so who knows? oftentimes when he finally does open up-it is good stuff...i just can't chase the information anymore. I am too tired to care. Either share with me or let's move on...we are in IC and MC for FOUR years...I can do this alone...in some ways I really think it might be easier for me....much harder for the kids...17, 14, and 9.....day to day life is fine...I am working and that keeps me too busy or too tired some days to care about the rest of this mess....who am I really married to? somedays even if I think i know i just don't trust myself to believe it. Sad but resigned and ready to accept a future different from my present but not sure if it is right for the family....when do you know???
sorry, sorry, sorry.....