How long will it take until I am not so angry I can scream.
The good news is, it does get better and you do regain self-control. I went almost 3 months before I had a day when I didn't cry, but now at 4 months, I have lots of those days, and have had some when I laughed with my friends and even forgot for a few minutes at a time what awaited me at home.
The bad news is, I have been warned that anger cycles and that there is a big wave of angry at about 6 months. I think I am rapidly approaching that. I'll keep you posted on how it goes!
That hurts so bad, because I have been always been the more loving, understanding and compassionate one.
I want to scream "he had an A" at the top of my lungs but I won't devistate the kids!
I truly believe that he is doing everything in his power but I am worried that I am forever damaged!
You're not alone. You can do this. You'll be OK. We're all here for you.
[This message edited by krsplat at 8:22 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]
and krsplt said it well....we are changed.....its has become one of our lifes most pivital moments....how it changes us is key....in the beginning we are changed in ways that we cannot comprehend....but WE CAN CHOOSE how to REACT........granted the raw emotion in the beginning is overwhelming....its when you can understand how so many people were driven to murder actually......thats how the hurt and anger can drive you to react....you need to make a decision right at the start that you will not let your emotions take you to places of regret....can we forsee all...hell no.....but its almost guaranteed when just boarding this train from hell that the discoveries will be coming for a while.....and each discovery will be like a knife in your heart.....this is when you decide that with each new piece of information whether it be from discovery or just figuring things out.....that you will not act upon you pure emotion...and you will step back, let it sink in and allow yourself the luxury of time to figure out exactly how you would like to handle it....
there will be times when taking time is not an option..especially when you have kids and there is always something happening......you need to allow yourself to be able to take a time out....run to a bathroom, and compose yourself for 5 minutes.....unfortunately...we will not be able to do this "all" the time....but we can do it enough to help....and all help is welcome.....
(((hurt14)))...welcome to our little corner of si...take a deep breath honey....a really deep one....this all sucks....first off...i am glad you are on ad's.....def go to ic to help you ..
you are not going crazy...all of this shit is crazy.....def go to the attorney and know your rights
and give yourself time to decide what you really want....and within this time...watch....."see" him for what he does and not what he says..."see" if he works hard at repairing the irreparable....line up the ducks in the meantime because it cannot hurt....and take care of yourself physically as well as emotionally...feed your soul as much as you can with things that make you happy, whether it be by walking, painting, etc...
and i keep on steppin!!!
Is it possible to forgive the deceit and betrayal of an LTA?
Both feet pointed forward; positive
Genuine forgiveness / to me = true reconciliation = takes a WH's remorse and atonement... so that takes time, frankly years in my book.
I can forgive cheaply - I forgive you for not knowing what you did - the kind of forgiveness so that I do not hold onto a kind of anger within me that only acts as an emotional cancer
so if your friends / relatives are talking just a cheap forgiveness so you don't hold onto unecessary hate than OK - I can see their concern for you in that sense
otherwise, forgiveness takes the prodigal returning home after realizing they don't want to eat worse off than pigs...
just my two cents
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years
Karma came knocking on the day that the AP contacted me. The aftermath of his treatment is erectile dysfunction and low energy. The value that my H placed on himself as KISA, is gone. He no longer sees himself as a vital and viral man.
There are times when I look at him and feel contempt and resentment for giving away what should was rightfully mine.
Now he hoovers and clings on to me. He is suspicious when I am away from home and fail to answer my cell. The other day I asked him if he was projecting onto me the behaviors that he had displayed during the A. His face confirmed what I already knew.
ats, just saw your updates, sorry brother to read them, but in a way I am very glad for you. You are very healthy emotionally IMO through all your efforts and have made many of us better too. Contrary to what one member suggested, I believe you are ready for a new relationship. You are ready to move on to the next phase - with a smile on your face from a healthy libido fulfilled.
hello newbies. you guys already seem to have more of a handle on this than I do at 2+ years out.
TheBestMe: since your post is the most recent, I wanted to respond in a way, my own latent desire for revenge, fairness, whatever, for all BSs. As a BS, one can struggle with feelings of inferiority, not being good enough, being compared, etc. I would love to be you and show off to your H a newly purchased, large 'marital aid' with the statement of needing to feel 'like a woman'. Just send the guy into a deep pit where all the despair of all BSs lies at the bottom. In that way you would be like Captain Ahab, prospectively striking out at the White Whale...
honest: thanks for the fathers day greeting. My DD is off to college in the fall, so it should be an interesting summer...
best to all. Jack.
My WS told me he called and ended the affair and he sent a No Contact Email (which I did see). I demand and receive detailed itineraries for travel from official sources, not his word. I ask to see his Emails and phone whenever I want. We are back in MC but this time he seems to be committed to the process and I am trying to use the MC as a way to improve our knowledge of each other and help our communicating and not about venting how he has hurt me. Things seem different and better but I still have to live with knowledge of how he betrayed and hurt me and how I can never really trust him. It's a long road ahead but I'd love to hear from those of you who were able to rebuild.
Is he in individual counseling as well as MC?
I think that was very important for my FWH. He needed to figure out how he had sunk so low and how he had become the kind of man that could have a LTA. He also went to AA and got sober and has continued to attend AA meetings .
I was such a mess after d-day that I needed to see a psychiatrist to get meds for anxiety and depression and I also saw a therapist for myself.
Finding out about my FWH's LTA was extremely traumatizing for me and I needed a lot of support.
Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.
Reconciling after a LTA is a journey that takes a long time.
Me 52 -WS 53
M 29 yr - D-Day 5-10-14
Internal self talk can be very damaging. Why are you referring to yourself as simple? You were married for 29 years. During that time did you not put your energy into being a faithful and committed wife? There is nothing simple about that.
Is your husband doing anything to uncover why he chose this behavior? Maybe in his mid-life crisis he was trying to relive his high school youth. This is not an excuse, just trying to give some insight.
You are so very new to this, it is normal that you cannot see the path out of the woods. For now my advice is to focus on healing your pain and trying to move towards acceptance. Reconciling the M can come later, much later.
I love him but I am not sure I can move forward!!!!
He is trying to do what he can,...
What is it that he is trying? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and then discussed with you how these books do or do not apply to him and the M? Has he scheduled and attended IC to understand what he was trying to fulfill in with the LTA, and learned a healthier way to fulfill that need? Has he given you a detailed timeline (as detailed as a LTA can be) of the A if you want one? Is he doing more around the house to give you free time to explore hobbies, friends and other activities to distract you from his issues and provide you with support as you work through this? Has he bought the 7 Love Languages Book and taken the quizes with you to learn your love language? Has he apologized to you in front of any family and friends who may have known of the A? Does he happily provide access to all of his communications so that you can assure yourself it is safe to be in the M?
...it is up to me, and I don't think I am strong enough to get over it.
I really encourage you to take your focus off of your WH and M for now, and place it on to you. Work on your healing. Build your social network so that you have support other than your WH. If you ever wanted to take a class or do a hobby, start it now. Do some IC of your own to help process your feelings and get some clarification about what you want for the rest of your life. Read the books I mentioned above, even if your WH does not.
As you come to understand and believe that his A was not about you, if you see real and sustained changes in his behavior for the better, better communication, then you will be able to accept what happened and move forward anew in your M.
ETA: I agree with what TheBestMe said about internal talk. It is not healthy, and I know this first hand.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:41 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]
Why do you think it is that you love him? What is it you love about him? Or, is it that you love who he thought he was, and the M you thought that you had.
All the appologies, excuses, and explanations still don't adn won't register for some reason. They don't register because we remember who we married and fell in love with. We remember who we thought our spouses were. At some point whether you want to or not you will accept who your spouse IS right now. Whether that is who they remain is up to them but it is completely out of your hands and that was the toughest realization for me to make. I had to accept that my WW did this to me and that she was in fact who was standing right in front of me. The person I thought was my WW never actually existed.
Some of us have WS's that can fix themselves and you can build a new M. Your old M is dead and gone. Just as the person you married is dead and gone. If you are one of the BS's with a WS that is truly remoresful then IMO, the best thing you can do is detach and start fresh. After they are well into the work of fixing themselves walk up to them and introduce yourself to them again. You are building something compeltely new from the ground up on the burning dying ashes of your old M. It's possible but it takes a ton of work and dedication from both spouses. There will be ZERO trust for your WS for a long time but the truly remoresful ones understand that and put in the effort and work to fix themselves and earn your trust and love again.
While they are doing that though you the BS have some work to do as well. You have to figure out what you want. This won't happen overnight and you may or may not change your mind hundreds of time. You need to understand that this IS your life now and while you may be devastated it's not over by any means. you are in the driver's seat. You determine where your M goes from here. You get to decide what you want to do now. Take as much time as you need to figure it out. If your WS is truly remoresful then you have time to decide because they should be working on themselves while you figure out what you want. Those of us with unremorsful WS have time as well but we may face a WS that hits the fast forward button or makes the decision for us by continuing the A or pressuring us to rugsweep or do other unhealthy things. Using my car analogy, if your WS is remorseful then they sit in the passenger seat concentrating on helping you navigate as you drive. You are still in control but they are helping you along the way by doing their part. The unremoresful WS waits until you get up to 65mph then grabs the wheel and puts you into a tree. They may wait awhile after you fix the car but they are going to wreck the car again and again. No one is watching the road because you are to busy arguing and fighting with each other. Even if you manage to keep it between the lines you end up WAY the hell off course and lost because no one was paying attention to where either of you were going.
Whether you R or D it takes a long time to be okay again. You can't rush it either. Believe me I tried. Take it one day at a time and work through all the feelings and emotions you are having. It felt like time was standing still after dday for me. It wasn't though. You too will look up one day and it will be years later. The choices you make for yourself now are impacting your future. How you handle yourself each day prepares you for the next. Whether it's a good day or bad you build on each one. If you are in an anger phase focus that anger into something positive like working out or painting. If you are sad it's okay, don't run from those emotions either. The only way out of this mess is through it.
I should be D right now. My 1 year of physical S was up on June 21, 2014. Per the L you have to wait 2 weeks until after the 1 year is up for final depositions. So my meeting with the L is 3 weeks from tomorrow because of scheduling issues. After waiting an entire year I have to essentially wait another month and then who knows how long after that before the final decree comes. I am remaining positive but I am tired of waiting. My life has been on pause for a year now. I am ready to date and truly be SINGLE.
you start wondering WHO this person standing in front of you is
^^^^So true. There are so many times since January 2012 that I look at my H and make that statement. Sadly, it is because his actions are so foreign to the man that I knew. His language and disposition is sometimes so street. If you lay in the gutter long enough....
I make it a point to call him on it when he behaves like that. For instance, over the weekend while we were doing some yard work, my H resorted back to that A personality. The look on my face must have said it all because my H said " You are standing there looking at me like I have 4 heads".
My response "In the past, I took a lot of shit off of you. I will not accept that kind of behavior" and I walked away.
I went into the house and made lunch. This was a symbol to him that I said what was on my mind and will go on with my life. So, while we were having our meal I did tell him about how his behavior towards me evokes certain responses. These responses are new to him, but they are part of who I am.
.... and I think I still do love him.
Why? When he is giving you TT about if he talked to her the last 10 days before dday or not, when he gets irritated sometimes when you ask questions. How is he expressing love for you?
He says he thinks it is because he got caught up in Porn,...
Has anyone shared this link with you yet? It is titled: Before you say reconcile
As I posted before, I would stop thinking about the M for now, and your WH. Focus on what you can do for HrtBrkn2. Read 7yearsflushed's post again, he had really, really good advice about the process and how long this will take. Yes, we all eventually get through it, but the actions you take and the paths you choose determine where you get out and in what condition.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:21 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]
I've decided to seek some IC so that I have a way to vent, to grieve, to talk about the way I feel without worrying about the impact my comments have on my WS and our efforts to fix things (I give myself permission to tell him/ask him anything I need say but I try to do it with a little self censorship and by picking my times carefully).
As to how live with the knowledge that your WS could have behaved as he/she did and that it may seem that you never really knew this person, I try to deal with it by judging my marriage and how my WS treats me as of a new start date (a point after DDay when I felt that I knew the full story and WS had recommitted to fixing our marriage). Its kind of a do-over. I can't make the last 5 1/2 years disappear but I can refuse to let the OW ruin any more of my life.
Clearly it didn't help then. He claims he learned things about himself but didn't really apply them to his life and decisions. But he also didn't discuss the things that bothered him and the things he learned about himself with me. That might have made a world of difference to both of us. Maybe at some point he will see value in trying again.
Its kind of a do-over. I can't make the last 5 1/2 years disappear but I can refuse to let the OW ruin any more of my life.
I don't post to be discouraging. I post because I lived with a dry adulterer for almost 2 years after Dday. I was in false R because my stbxww never truly did the work. I rugswept and allowed her to rugsweep but eventually her old coping mechanisms took back over again. I listened to words instead of looking at actions. I didn't start paying attention to actions until they were the negative kind like her changing the passwords on her phone again over a year out from DDay. Another action was her asking for privacy which I now recognized as wayward behavior. That meant she was either in another A already or gettting ready to start again. This may not happen to you but if reading about what happened to me can help you avoid it and keep you focused on watching for actions instead of words then great. Again if your WH is doing everything he can to resolve his issues and working to "own his shit" then that's even better. I wish you the best and keep focusing on you and what you want. You don't go wrong when you spend time on you.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:57 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]