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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2:

How long will it take until I am not so angry I can scream.

It's going to be a while. If you are only 45 out from the day the grenade when off in the middle of your life, then you're still in shock and everything is still sinking in. It's going to be like riding a roller coaster in the dark, sometimes up, sometimes way down, and never knowing what directions your feelings will go next.

The good news is, it does get better and you do regain self-control. I went almost 3 months before I had a day when I didn't cry, but now at 4 months, I have lots of those days, and have had some when I laughed with my friends and even forgot for a few minutes at a time what awaited me at home.

The bad news is, I have been warned that anger cycles and that there is a big wave of angry at about 6 months. I think I am rapidly approaching that. I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

That hurts so bad, because I have been always been the more loving, understanding and compassionate one.

Me too. I hate the woman that my WH's A has turned me into: suspicious, negative, angry, sad. This isn't the real me! As I said, though, I still see glimpses of the old me, so I think I can get her back if I keep working toward healing. You can too.

I want to scream "he had an A" at the top of my lungs but I won't devistate the kids!

Right. You KNOW that it would be monstrous to make yourself feel better at the expense of your kids, and you are too good a mom to let that happen. Stay strong.

I truly believe that he is doing everything in his power but I am worried that I am forever damaged!

You are forever CHANGED, and so is your M. Those are sad facts. But you don't have to stay DAMAGED. You can heal, and be even better and stronger than you were before. I am nowhere near there -- conventional wisdom is that it takes 2 to 5 years -- but there are others on here who not only survived infidelity but are thriving. Keep reading and find those folks.

You're not alone. You can do this. You'll be OK. We're all here for you.

[This message edited by krsplat at 8:22 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplt: i loved reading your post...you have already come a long way for a newbie,,,,, ......


and krsplt said it well....we are changed.....its has become one of our lifes most pivital moments....how it changes us is key....in the beginning we are changed in ways that we cannot comprehend....but WE CAN CHOOSE how to REACT........granted the raw emotion in the beginning is overwhelming....its when you can understand how so many people were driven to murder actually......thats how the hurt and anger can drive you to react....you need to make a decision right at the start that you will not let your emotions take you to places of regret....can we forsee all...hell no.....but its almost guaranteed when just boarding this train from hell that the discoveries will be coming for a while.....and each discovery will be like a knife in your heart.....this is when you decide that with each new piece of information whether it be from discovery or just figuring things out.....that you will not act upon you pure emotion...and you will step back, let it sink in and allow yourself the luxury of time to figure out exactly how you would like to handle it....

there will be times when taking time is not an option..especially when you have kids and there is always something happening......you need to allow yourself to be able to take a time out....run to a bathroom, and compose yourself for 5 minutes.....unfortunately...we will not be able to do this "all" the time....but we can do it enough to help....and all help is welcome.....

(((hurt14)))...welcome to our little corner of si...take a deep breath honey....a really deep one....this all sucks....first off...i am glad you are on ad's.....def go to ic to help you ..

you are not going crazy...all of this shit is crazy.....def go to the attorney and know your rights

and give yourself time to decide what you really want....and within this time...watch....."see" him for what he does and not what he says..."see" if he works hard at repairing the irreparable....line up the ducks in the meantime because it cannot hurt....and take care of yourself physically as well as emotionally...feed your soul as much as you can with things that make you happy, whether it be by walking, painting, etc...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 6045 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read a post on another thread about forgiveness. Some of my close friends and relatives have asked me to forgive my H. They are surprised when I say that I can not and will not ever forgive him.

Is it possible to forgive the deceit and betrayal of an LTA?


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 434 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read Janis Abrams (sp?) "How can I forgive you?"

Genuine forgiveness / to me = true reconciliation = takes a WH's remorse and atonement... so that takes time, frankly years in my book.

I can forgive cheaply - I forgive you for not knowing what you did - the kind of forgiveness so that I do not hold onto a kind of anger within me that only acts as an emotional cancer

so if your friends / relatives are talking just a cheap forgiveness so you don't hold onto unecessary hate than OK - I can see their concern for you in that sense

otherwise, forgiveness takes the prodigal returning home after realizing they don't want to eat worse off than pigs...


just my two cents


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of friends and family questioning my forgiveness toward my spouse, I would rather they concentrate on my H forgiving himself. Mr. TBM seems disappointed in himself and feels that his prostate cancer is the direct result of the stress from the A.

Karma came knocking on the day that the AP contacted me. The aftermath of his treatment is erectile dysfunction and low energy. The value that my H placed on himself as KISA, is gone. He no longer sees himself as a vital and viral man.
There are times when I look at him and feel contempt and resentment for giving away what should was rightfully mine.

Now he hoovers and clings on to me. He is suspicious when I am away from home and fail to answer my cell. The other day I asked him if he was projecting onto me the behaviors that he had displayed during the A. His face confirmed what I already knew.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 434 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful and watchful TheBestMe. My W was devastated once she realized what she had done in her affairs. She became her mother. I think her on going shame of that is a significant part of why we could not recover. I am a constant reminder of who she is/was. Not by words, but by being here, still having an occasional trigger, like when an AP is at a family event. She would rather bury it all. If your WH is feeling no self-esteem, he needs to find a healthy way to regain it or he may regress.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe - been meaning to post but have been swamped by my political campaign. It is a insatiable vortex of time consumption.

ats, just saw your updates, sorry brother to read them, but in a way I am very glad for you. You are very healthy emotionally IMO through all your efforts and have made many of us better too. Contrary to what one member suggested, I believe you are ready for a new relationship. You are ready to move on to the next phase - with a smile on your face from a healthy libido fulfilled.

hello newbies. you guys already seem to have more of a handle on this than I do at 2+ years out.

TheBestMe: since your post is the most recent, I wanted to respond in a way, my own latent desire for revenge, fairness, whatever, for all BSs. As a BS, one can struggle with feelings of inferiority, not being good enough, being compared, etc. I would love to be you and show off to your H a newly purchased, large 'marital aid' with the statement of needing to feel 'like a woman'. Just send the guy into a deep pit where all the despair of all BSs lies at the bottom. In that way you would be like Captain Ahab, prospectively striking out at the White Whale...

honest: thanks for the fathers day greeting. My DD is off to college in the fall, so it should be an interesting summer...

best to all. Jack.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krsplat I am hoping things are working out for you. How did you find a way to get control? Just when I think I can do this, something pops up and hits me and I crumble! It seems impossible to think that our M will be whole again. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he had an affair for 7 years.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
BlondandBlue
♀ New Member
Member # 42370
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a member of this group. My husband had a 5 1/2 year PA with a former girlfriend who lives in another state. She contacted him through the internet after her marriage fell apart. She was looking for a connection and he bit. He travels extensively for work, frequently and with long absences, which is how he was able to cover his tracks for so long. My DDay was July 2013 and my WS promised to end the relationship and commit to fixing our marriage. We started MC and much about our marriage improved. In April 2014 I learned that he never really ended it when I found an Email from OW (to which I responded). Although my head says I should not stay in a relationship with a man who has lied, deceived and hurt me so badly, my heart says I want to stay with him.

My WS told me he called and ended the affair and he sent a No Contact Email (which I did see). I demand and receive detailed itineraries for travel from official sources, not his word. I ask to see his Emails and phone whenever I want. We are back in MC but this time he seems to be committed to the process and I am trying to use the MC as a way to improve our knowledge of each other and help our communicating and not about venting how he has hurt me. Things seem different and better but I still have to live with knowledge of how he betrayed and hurt me and how I can never really trust him. It's a long road ahead but I'd love to hear from those of you who were able to rebuild.


Me-57
Him-56
Married 31 years, 3 adult children
DDay-7/17/13
DDay 2-4/26/14

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blondandblu-
My FWH also had a 5 yr. LTA and our marriage did survive!
It is now 7 yrs post d day and I can say that our marriage is better than it was in many ways and that I am happy.
But, it took a long time and a lot of hard work to get to this point.
It sounds as if the second d-day may have been hitting bottom for your WH and that he finally woke up and realized how much he could lose.

Is he in individual counseling as well as MC?
I think that was very important for my FWH. He needed to figure out how he had sunk so low and how he had become the kind of man that could have a LTA. He also went to AA and got sober and has continued to attend AA meetings .

I was such a mess after d-day that I needed to see a psychiatrist to get meds for anxiety and depression and I also saw a therapist for myself.
Finding out about my FWH's LTA was extremely traumatizing for me and I needed a lot of support.

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.
Reconciling after a LTA is a journey that takes a long time.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those with experience, how do I get past the fact that he was intimate with another woman for 7 years.? It hurts so bad and I can't get it out of my head. I am simple and have always been naive, he is the only man I have ever been intimate with. I knew that he had been with other women before we were married and that was hard at first but I got over it. Now to know that he has been seeing, talking and being intimate ( he says there wasn't intercourse) and whatever else, with one of those from high school is unbearable. I love him but I am not sure I can move forward!!!! He is trying to do what he can, it is up to me, and I don't think I am strong enough to get over it.

Me 52 -WS 53
M 29 yr - D-Day 5-10-14
Trying hard


Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2 - your dday is so new. It helps to accept that whatever happened, happened and is part of the marital history.

Internal self talk can be very damaging. Why are you referring to yourself as simple? You were married for 29 years. During that time did you not put your energy into being a faithful and committed wife? There is nothing simple about that.

Is your husband doing anything to uncover why he chose this behavior? Maybe in his mid-life crisis he was trying to relive his high school youth. This is not an excuse, just trying to give some insight.



ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 434 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Hrtbrkn2,

You are so very new to this, it is normal that you cannot see the path out of the woods. For now my advice is to focus on healing your pain and trying to move towards acceptance. Reconciling the M can come later, much later.

I love him but I am not sure I can move forward!!!!

This might be a place to start. He did a pretty unlovable thing. Why do you think it is that you love him? What is it you love about him? Or, is it that you love who he thought he was, and the M you thought that you had. No right or wrong answers here, but this was something that I had to figure out. Why did I feel I loved my WW who had been involved in LTA and was TT-ing me?

He is trying to do what he can,...

If the M has any hope, he has only just begun doing what needs to be done. Further, he will need to move past trying to doing, and then sustaining that for a long enough period of time that it is clearly a new behavior for him as opposed to acting differently.

What is it that he is trying? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and then discussed with you how these books do or do not apply to him and the M? Has he scheduled and attended IC to understand what he was trying to fulfill in with the LTA, and learned a healthier way to fulfill that need? Has he given you a detailed timeline (as detailed as a LTA can be) of the A if you want one? Is he doing more around the house to give you free time to explore hobbies, friends and other activities to distract you from his issues and provide you with support as you work through this? Has he bought the 7 Love Languages Book and taken the quizes with you to learn your love language? Has he apologized to you in front of any family and friends who may have known of the A? Does he happily provide access to all of his communications so that you can assure yourself it is safe to be in the M?

...it is up to me, and I don't think I am strong enough to get over it.

You don't get over it. You get through it. I am through the pain of stbxW LTAs, I accept what happened. But if I dwell and think about what she did and how she treated me, I can still poke the wound enough to feel the pain.

I really encourage you to take your focus off of your WH and M for now, and place it on to you. Work on your healing. Build your social network so that you have support other than your WH. If you ever wanted to take a class or do a hobby, start it now. Do some IC of your own to help process your feelings and get some clarification about what you want for the rest of your life. Read the books I mentioned above, even if your WH does not.

As you come to understand and believe that his A was not about you, if you see real and sustained changes in his behavior for the better, better communication, then you will be able to accept what happened and move forward anew in your M.

--Ats

ETA: I agree with what TheBestMe said about internal talk. It is not healthy, and I know this first hand.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:41 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you think it is that you love him? What is it you love about him? Or, is it that you love who he thought he was, and the M you thought that you had.
^^^This right here is pure gold and should be in a sticky for recovering from LTA's. This was probably the HARDEST part for me to get after Dday. It was hard because I didn't even know I had to come to that realization. I call it the POD person complex. At some point you start wondering WHO this person standing in front of you is. They look like your WS but they damn sure don't act like them. There is no way on Earth your WS would do the things he/she did to you. Not the person you married and knew for so long. The following words will be thought or said by you at some point as well, "I don't know who you are anymore" or "Did I ever really know you?"

All the appologies, excuses, and explanations still don't adn won't register for some reason. They don't register because we remember who we married and fell in love with. We remember who we thought our spouses were. At some point whether you want to or not you will accept who your spouse IS right now. Whether that is who they remain is up to them but it is completely out of your hands and that was the toughest realization for me to make. I had to accept that my WW did this to me and that she was in fact who was standing right in front of me. The person I thought was my WW never actually existed.

Some of us have WS's that can fix themselves and you can build a new M. Your old M is dead and gone. Just as the person you married is dead and gone. If you are one of the BS's with a WS that is truly remoresful then IMO, the best thing you can do is detach and start fresh. After they are well into the work of fixing themselves walk up to them and introduce yourself to them again. You are building something compeltely new from the ground up on the burning dying ashes of your old M. It's possible but it takes a ton of work and dedication from both spouses. There will be ZERO trust for your WS for a long time but the truly remoresful ones understand that and put in the effort and work to fix themselves and earn your trust and love again.

While they are doing that though you the BS have some work to do as well. You have to figure out what you want. This won't happen overnight and you may or may not change your mind hundreds of time. You need to understand that this IS your life now and while you may be devastated it's not over by any means. you are in the driver's seat. You determine where your M goes from here. You get to decide what you want to do now. Take as much time as you need to figure it out. If your WS is truly remoresful then you have time to decide because they should be working on themselves while you figure out what you want. Those of us with unremorsful WS have time as well but we may face a WS that hits the fast forward button or makes the decision for us by continuing the A or pressuring us to rugsweep or do other unhealthy things. Using my car analogy, if your WS is remorseful then they sit in the passenger seat concentrating on helping you navigate as you drive. You are still in control but they are helping you along the way by doing their part. The unremoresful WS waits until you get up to 65mph then grabs the wheel and puts you into a tree. They may wait awhile after you fix the car but they are going to wreck the car again and again. No one is watching the road because you are to busy arguing and fighting with each other. Even if you manage to keep it between the lines you end up WAY the hell off course and lost because no one was paying attention to where either of you were going.

Whether you R or D it takes a long time to be okay again. You can't rush it either. Believe me I tried. Take it one day at a time and work through all the feelings and emotions you are having. It felt like time was standing still after dday for me. It wasn't though. You too will look up one day and it will be years later. The choices you make for yourself now are impacting your future. How you handle yourself each day prepares you for the next. Whether it's a good day or bad you build on each one. If you are in an anger phase focus that anger into something positive like working out or painting. If you are sad it's okay, don't run from those emotions either. The only way out of this mess is through it.

I should be D right now. My 1 year of physical S was up on June 21, 2014. Per the L you have to wait 2 weeks until after the 1 year is up for final depositions. So my meeting with the L is 3 weeks from tomorrow because of scheduling issues. After waiting an entire year I have to essentially wait another month and then who knows how long after that before the final decree comes. I am remaining positive but I am tired of waiting. My life has been on pause for a year now. I am ready to date and truly be SINGLE.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you start wondering WHO this person standing in front of you is

^^^^So true. There are so many times since January 2012 that I look at my H and make that statement. Sadly, it is because his actions are so foreign to the man that I knew. His language and disposition is sometimes so street. If you lay in the gutter long enough....

I make it a point to call him on it when he behaves like that. For instance, over the weekend while we were doing some yard work, my H resorted back to that A personality. The look on my face must have said it all because my H said " You are standing there looking at me like I have 4 heads".
My response "In the past, I took a lot of shit off of you. I will not accept that kind of behavior" and I walked away.

I went into the house and made lunch. This was a symbol to him that I said what was on my mind and will go on with my life. So, while we were having our meal I did tell him about how his behavior towards me evokes certain responses. These responses are new to him, but they are part of who I am.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 434 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I will eventually get through these feelings of utter disgust and repulsion over what he did with her? The thought of my H being intimate with another woman makes me want to throw up. The contact I was able to verify was all initiated by my WH, the phone records for the last 16 months show that he called her 50 times, sometimes while me or the kids were on call waiting. There first encounter was supposedly a chance meeting at a convenience store and they ended up making out In a parking lot. On another occasion I was out of town and he was at home with my youngest DD and he went to the store to get eye drops and he was gone for 2 hours. He ignored both of our phone calls. I just don't know how the man I married and made this commitment with could do such a horrible thing. He says he thinks it is because he got caught up in Porn, my concern is if it was just porn he wouldn't have needed the same person. When I confronted him with the number of times he called her in the last 16 months he said that it wasn't always about sex. That statement hurts as much as if it were about sex. I refuse to believe that his ties to her were only sex. I don't think I have gotten angry yet I am still in shock and feel utter devastation and heartache.
Everyone here knows what I an feeling, I'm sure. I loved the man I thought he was and I think I still do love him. I'm just not sure I can get through this!!!!!!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2
.... and I think I still do love him.

Why? When he is giving you TT about if he talked to her the last 10 days before dday or not, when he gets irritated sometimes when you ask questions. How is he expressing love for you?

He says he thinks it is because he got caught up in Porn,...

Has he told you what he is going to do to address his uncontrollable porn addiction? Is he looking for a 12 step group, has he switched to a non-smart phone to limit temptation and access to porn? Does he only use a computer in a public location? Has he scheduled time with an IC for this or a 12-step program?

Has anyone shared this link with you yet? It is titled: Before you say reconcile
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

As I posted before, I would stop thinking about the M for now, and your WH. Focus on what you can do for HrtBrkn2. Read 7yearsflushed's post again, he had really, really good advice about the process and how long this will take. Yes, we all eventually get through it, but the actions you take and the paths you choose determine where you get out and in what condition.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:21 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
BlondandBlue
♀ New Member
Member # 42370
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480 and others,
I truly want to believe my marriage can survive so it helps to hear that it can happen. In answer to your question, my WS had IC for several years before and during his PA. Clearly it didn't help then. He claims he learned things about himself but didn't really apply them to his life and decisions. But he also didn't discuss the things that bothered him and the things he learned about himself with me. That might have made a world of difference to both of us. Maybe at some point he will see value in trying again.

I've decided to seek some IC so that I have a way to vent, to grieve, to talk about the way I feel without worrying about the impact my comments have on my WS and our efforts to fix things (I give myself permission to tell him/ask him anything I need say but I try to do it with a little self censorship and by picking my times carefully).

As to how live with the knowledge that your WS could have behaved as he/she did and that it may seem that you never really knew this person, I try to deal with it by judging my marriage and how my WS treats me as of a new start date (a point after DDay when I felt that I knew the full story and WS had recommitted to fixing our marriage). Its kind of a do-over. I can't make the last 5 1/2 years disappear but I can refuse to let the OW ruin any more of my life.


Me-57
Him-56
Married 31 years, 3 adult children
DDay-7/17/13
DDay 2-4/26/14

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blondandblue, I think IC for yourself will help. I know it helped me.

Clearly it didn't help then. He claims he learned things about himself but didn't really apply them to his life and decisions. But he also didn't discuss the things that bothered him and the things he learned about himself with me. That might have made a world of difference to both of us. Maybe at some point he will see value in trying again.
Please remember that words mean nothing. It's consistent actions over a very extended period of time. Reading what you typed above I would be concerned that your WH is a dry adulterer. If he doesn't admit and face all of his issues then dig into them then he will likely do it again. When they try to stop without doing the work its no different than a dry drunk. The dry drunk stops drinking but doesn't address the core issues. They just try to use sheer force of will and for some it works but for many it doesn't. What happens when the stressors return or some issue pops up again that they cant' handle. They revert back to old coping mechanism. For the drunk it's alchohol for the cheater it's the old coping mechanims they had in place before which leads to another DDay for the BS. This may not be the case for your WH but he needs to truly dig into his issue and do the work to avoid it happening again. If he doesn't do the work then he is literally a tickign "A" bomb and you don't know when or if it will explode but it WILL at some point.


Its kind of a do-over. I can't make the last 5 1/2 years disappear but I can refuse to let the OW ruin any more of my life.
This is fine but don't let your do-over turn into rugsweeping. Just because he treats you right for the short term doesn't mean he no longer needs to fix himself. Also the OW played a part in ruining your M but your WH did as well and he MUST own that and resolve it. You will often hear that if it wasn't this AP it would have been someone else. We say that because the fault lies within our WS. Sure the OP has culpability but they did NOT make vows to us.

I don't post to be discouraging. I post because I lived with a dry adulterer for almost 2 years after Dday. I was in false R because my stbxww never truly did the work. I rugswept and allowed her to rugsweep but eventually her old coping mechanisms took back over again. I listened to words instead of looking at actions. I didn't start paying attention to actions until they were the negative kind like her changing the passwords on her phone again over a year out from DDay. Another action was her asking for privacy which I now recognized as wayward behavior. That meant she was either in another A already or gettting ready to start again. This may not happen to you but if reading about what happened to me can help you avoid it and keep you focused on watching for actions instead of words then great. Again if your WH is doing everything he can to resolve his issues and working to "own his shit" then that's even better. I wish you the best and keep focusing on you and what you want. You don't go wrong when you spend time on you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:57 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Hrtbrkn2
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Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELP!!!!!!! Today is a bad day! I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am so angry and heartbroken and now my adult children are asking questions. I feel like I am losing what control I thought I had. How do I deal with these feelings? I want a roadmap on how to get through this awful place and I can't find one. Neither me nor my WH want a D!!!!! He is trying hard and I see that. How do I move forward? We are seeing a MC when we can. Is the resentment I feel right now normal and will I eventually get thru (not over) it? I thought I could protect the kids from this but I can't, I wanted to more secure and further away from DDay when we talked to them. I don't want them to ever know about the A and they don't need to know exactly what has happened, but they need to know something.

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