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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2:

The love can return, and you can R, but it is the last of many things necessary to heal the M after the betrayal of an A. First, trust and a sense of safety must be restored in the relationship. Trust and a sense of safety are developed when the WS has learned new behaviors to replace the wayward behaviors, and then demonstrate these new behaviors for a sustained period.

You post that your WH is doing the work. What is he doing? Has your WH figured out why he turned to an OP rather than turning to you, working on his part of the relationship, or inviting you to MC? Is he in IC to work on his issues? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how they apply to your M and his A? Do you have full access to his chat, email, and text records? Has he dropped Facebook? What is different now in the M, not words, but actions, to show he is remorseful and changed?

To move forward in the M and work on R you need to know why you want the M with your H. I think that just a few months after dday is too soon to know if R or D is right for you and your M. I would like to suggest a third alternative for you; “not divorcing”. By not divorcing you do not separate or leave the M so long as you continue to feel safe in the relationship, but neither do you commit to staying in the M or working on the relationship long-term. During the period while you are “not divorcing”, you can watch your WH to see if he is truly remorseful, truly learning what his issues are that led to his A, and if he is owning those issues and sustaining change in his perceptions and behavior to fix those issues.

During this non-committal time while you observe, it would probably benefit you to do some IC of your own to help process and work through your emotions and to do some values clarification work on what you want for your future. Find out why you tolerated a less connected, less involved, and less loving H than you deserved. Explore any conflict avoidance or emotional intimacy issues you may have. None of these are to imply any responsibility on your part for the A, but these are areas that FBSs often find fertile for self-improvement.

This time of watching, healing, and not divorcing is also a good time to shore up your reserves. Shore up your social support reserves by renewing and expanding your circle of friends. Shore up you financial reserves by saving cash, reducing debt, and preparing to have the necessary cash flow and reserves necessary if you decide separation or divorce is the right path for you (or to celebrate final R). Shore up your personal self-esteem by engaging in hobbies, activities, or interests that you may have set aside when you M. Exercise and a good diet will also help you prepare physically and mentally for the stress of R or D, whichever you ultimately decide is best.

When you are ready to work with your WH together as co-equals to address issues in the M, that is when you will are ready to work on R.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:56 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are having a tough day hrtbrkn. Yes you will get over this eventually. Unfortunately it's going to take time and I know you didn't want to hear that. I didn't either in the beginning. The resentment is very normal.

As for your children if they are adults then IMO, you can tell them what happened. You don't have to sugarcaot it. I told my 7 and 5 year olds. I told them both I loved them. I told them Mommy did some things to hurt Daddy and broke some promises so we could no longer live together. Your kids are adults and if they don't know will figure it out eventually. Don't be surpised if you hear form them that they had some idea of what was going on or in fact knew. They may not but it's not unheard of around here for children to know about the A's or at least figure things out before they are told. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of or have no reason to hide anything from your children. If anyone should feel guilty it's your WH. He should be right there with you when the kids are told. Just stick to the facts and answer any questions. If they want to know if you are getting a D then be honest with them and tell them you are, you are, or you don't know. Your WH should not be minimizing or blame shifting at all. He messed up and should fess up to it. No excuses from him. This is just my opinion.

I don't have a roadmap to get out of this. I wish I did bt I can tell you what I went through. I am sure others will weigh in as well. Most importantly please understand that all you have to do right now is exist. I am serious. Focus on making through each part of your day. I remember waking up every morning for months, when I could sleep, thinking oh my God it's not a dream. I then would drag myself out of bed and get dressed for work and get the kids ready. If I made it out of the house I focused on making it to work. Once I arrived I tried my best not to zone out for most of the day. I told my Boss because I knew my performance would slip. I was a walking zombie for months. The only thing that helped me initially was working out. Eventually I realized I could watch sci-fi shows so I would veg out in the evenings watching netflix shows. It helped me escape for a little while. You need to find some type of outlet for yourself even if it's only for a few minutes each day in the beginning. This stuff can consume you.

It felt like going through the day with a giant boulder tied around me while I was dragging 5000lbs of chains behind me. I made it through because there was no alternative. I didn't know how I was going to make it but everyone said it would get better eventually so I just kept going. Eventually I had a day where I didn't cry or a day where I caught myself actually NOT thinking about the A for 2 minutes which of course made me think about it. But hey I had 2 minutes where it wasn't right there burned into my brain. Eventually I laughed at something or smiled. Sure I would go back to suckville but I had the little things to focus on. If I had a bad day I came here and posted or read. My mentality was I made it through 1 hour, then 2, then a day, then a week, and I would build on each little success. Whenever I broke down or backslid I started counting again. I made it through 1 hour, then 1 day, then a week. Eventually the coaster does go uphill and yes it goes back down but when it's down again you remember that it did actually go up.

Keep posting, vent scream, do whatever you need to get it out. Just remember to be kind to yourself. This won't go away overnight but it does get better.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Astenaotie & 7ysflushed thank you so much for the responses. It helps to know that someone is out there actually hearing what I am saying and screaming. This is the place where I vent, I don't want anyone else to know. What other suggestions do you have for reading material for both me and my WH?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I had an unremorseful WS the majority of the things I read were to help me get over my codependant habits and gain the strength to move forward with my life again. I don't know if they will be a help to you or not but I read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson and "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie and "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. I was in false R when I read the last one so i honestly don't remember if that one was helpful for me or not. I have not read but others have mentioned "Not Just Friends" as well. Also if you haven't, start reading in the healing library. There is a ton of stuff in there.

From your posts your WH sounds like he is making an effort. I hope he is doing everything you asked of him and setting up appropriate boundaries for himself. Remember to take some time for yourself through all of this. I did and it helps. You should make some time at least once a week if not more that you just do something for you by yourself. This isn't a secretive thing, it's a "me" time thing. You can tell your WH where you are going and what you are doing but do it yourself or with one of your kids or a trusted friend. Even if you don't know what you want to do with the time set it up and just drive around. At some point you will figure out what to do. When you hit the anger phase it will help if you have some established "you time" already set up to vent, talk, walk, read, whatever it is you choose to do. Even if it's not the anger phase there is a disgust phase and for some of us the phase where our WS's become the biggest trigger we have. Again this is all stuff that I did but it helped me. Take what applies and leave the rest.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:30 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2,

As you can tell from what ats and 7yrs said it is tough sledding indeed.

The best advice you can get is what they have told you: work on you. For trynhard, that means being 'quality' in all respects, as quality attracts quality. and when you care for yourself, you will protect yourself in a healthy way. I often ask, what was it about me that put up with so much crap for so long? why was I 'content' or maybe 'stuck' in a marriage that was not building ME up? what was it about me that did not even think to inspect any number of things that would have revealed the A? some call that blind trust, and in a way that was there. But also, I had insulated myself (rather than fight for me in the M) in such a way that I didn't care...until dday of course.

So focus on you - your growth - your potential - you going down the road less traveled.

Tonight is a very big night for me. It is election day, and I will find out if I am on my way to a political career at age 46. I am optimistic and confident. Even if I lose, the experience has been great.

BOTTOM LINE: I would not be on this path if I had not woken up. It should have been something other than the A. It should have been my wife building me up to do this. Nope - I went out on a limb on my own. I feel that whatever happens, I am on my way to something better, more healthy, more rewarding than the rut I was in. And, right now my WW is here along for the ride. Good for her.

So, again, focus on YOU.


I wanted to more secure and further away from DDay when we talked to them. I don't want them to ever know about the A and they don't need to know exactly what has happened, but they need to know something.
^^^ I do not understand this. I respect everyone's decision. But your kids are adults now and they should not be and do not need to be 'protected' IMO. Instead of protection, they need perspective. I would share with them - everything if need be - if it helps YOU.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_Jack, were I in your precinct I would vote for you; both early and often. Best of luck on your acceptance speech.

Ats

ETA: Congratulations on your win last night!

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:03 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good luck mc....


hrtbrken and blond...and all newbies....you guys have been give some very sound advice....

i cannot remember who posted what so i will touch on the issues as i remember them....

telling the kids....well i would think that this is a personal choice....there are many things to take into account...do they live with you, are they adult, or are they barely adults, are they healthy, what else might be goin on within all your lives...

not telling is infinitely more difficult...., no matter the ages of the kids....

what has transpired within your marriage is personal...therefore you may elect not to share this information

i do believe that ALL kids need to be told that there are issues between mom and dad, the exceptions......small tots...they need not know the particulars...but they do need to know that there are issues...kids are smart and sense it way before you would think...even the kids who are self serving....


how do we get through it....one day at a time...there will be days that you will need to take it by the minute and even the seconds.....but with time it does get better

the hurt will remain with you always...like when you lose someone to death...after all your marriage as you knew it died....but with time the hurt will change...evolve....you will always mourn for the loss of innocence, the loss of complete unwavering trust in another....but for some, new trust can be earned....will it ever be blind trust..prob not...but thats ok....and thats a biggie...deciding that its ok not to have that blind trust....you will actually have to decide that many things that happen and transpire are ok....doesn't mean that we have to like it...but we need to learn acceptance of what is!!!

It is what it is, and it can become what we make of it!!!

ic: is only helpful if one gives oneself over to the process and works at it...for the bs it becomes one of our soft places to fall....for the ws....he or she will only get out of it what he or she puts into it...

example...my ws has been in ic from just shortly after d-day....but still chooses his own path and goes against what the counselers advise....so basically its a waste of time for the marriage....it has helped with some of his anger...he has someone to talk to and someone who actually listens to him...so thats basically the only plus i have seen...he doesn't do the work he needs to do...


accountability: imo...no bs will ever feel safe with their ws if the ws is fully accountable for all their actions without blameshifting one iota...

transparency...see accountability...same applies


honesty:....3 for 3....see accountability...same applies


((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 6045 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did the election go Jack! Hopefully in your favor!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is a better day!!! I too am in politics and the primaries are over and all is good!!!! I still can't understand how I can go from despising my WH to wanting to be held and intimate with him in a matter of seconds. He assures me every chance that he gets that he is going to be here to help me no matter how long it takes!!! I can see the hurt when I look in his eyes and the I think why did you inflict this on us? I pray for healing everyday, not just for myself but for each of you that find yourself in the same situation. I pray that you each find comfort in very aspect of you lives!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is a better day!!!
^^^ Glad you are having a better day today hrtbrkn. They call it a roller coaster for good reason.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you believe that an affair can be addictive and that is why some affairs are LTA ( vs. the A is love affair or the AP is a "love of their life").

Also, for those of you whose spouses exhibit sex/love addiction issues, was their affair an extension of those issues?

At this point, one year and a few months out from DD, I'm really turning my focus off of the A and onto the the years leading up to the A. In that time, my WH was inattentive towards me and rejected me in every sense of the word.

In the first weeks after DD, he used the excuse that I'd let myself go, gained weight, etc. Later, when the second MC we saw assessed him and suggested he seek help for what she dx as sex addiction, it became clear that he'd turned away from me long before I "let myself go." Being ignored in my marriage, clinging to the hope that some day things will be better, we just have to get through X + having 2 small kids and remodeling a big house, I was distracted for a really long time and pretty much did not notice I was depressed. He also used the excuse that we were always arguing. My issue with that when he puts that stuff out there, he is not specific about anything - it's just a blanket excuse. Also he fails to see that he is guilty of the stuff he is accusing me of and is very resentful. One example is that I chose to paint an area of our house a certain way and he complains that it looks institutional or like a hospital. Then we went to his friend's remodeled home and his friend painted his entire house that same way and my husband remarks how great it looks. I get criticized, his friend gets praised. I called him out on that.

So he gets pissy about a paint job, but I have never gotten upset about him making all decisions about other things in home that were much more expensive and harder to change than paint, such as electronics purchases and landscape decisions. It sounds so pathetic to even be arguing about this kind of stuff in the first place, but apparently he is very resentful about his perception of this time in our marriage. I remember it as trying to make him happy, executing his requests, putting my feelings aside, him taking total control, etc. He remembers it as only arguing and me making decisions about paint colors. I know that in the end, he is just using this as an excuse for his bad decisions.

His parents were terrible role models and all of his issues did not help a bit. My parents seem like Mike and Carol Brady by comparison.

Knowing his history and some of the underlying causes for what happened and his poor decisions helps me understand why but it doesn't help me regain trust.

What helps people regain trust after so many years of emotional abuse and then the discovery of betrayal?

[This message edited by womaninflux at 10:52 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you believe that an affair can be addictive and that is why some affairs are LTA ( vs. the A is love affair or the AP is a "love of their life").
Yes they can be addictive. Some happen because of access and they never get caught. There are many reasons but ultimately there is something in the WS's make up that needs to be addressed that allows them to have an A and on top of it deceive the person they made vows to for so long.

but apparently he is very resentful about his perception of this time in our marriage.
And his resentment is blameshifting garbage. No one has a perfect marriage and it's always the small mundane things that our WS's find to complain about when it's time for them to do the hard work. If he was truly unhappy then he had plenty of options to deal with it. He could have asked you to go to counseling, he could have asked you to go to church to talk to someone with him, he could have a discussion with you to talk through his issues, he could have divorced you, he could have separated but did he do any of that NO. He chose to have an A. Nothing you did caused his A and anythign he says is an excuse. His resentment is his own to handle and honestly shouldn't even be discussed until he has figured out why he thought it was okay to have an A in the first place. I am sure you had unhappy moments in the M but you didn't go out and have an A to resolve the issue. Don't allow your WH to blameshift.

Yes your WH detached prior to the A. HE needs to figure out why he did that. Is he conflict avoidant, does he have FOO issues? Why did he feel it was okay to not openly discuss issues with you instead of holding them in and building resentment if that's what he is saying he did. How are we the BS's supposed to know something is wrong if they never tell us. And to top it off the WS let things be WRONG for years without saying anything until they get caught and now they decide to bombard you with reasons why things are bad. I am sorry but IMO, "you had an LTA" trumps "you painted the room wrong".

They rewrite the marital history. That's why so many of the excuses and reasons for the A's and behavior are paper thin. At the end of the day nothing you did justified his behavior when he had plenty of avenues to take to resolve his issues.

What helps people regain trust after so many years of emotional abuse and then the discovery of betrayal?
Trust is regained when your WS actually does the work and owns their shit. It's consistent actions over time. Is he transparent? Does he understand and empathize when you are upset? Does he take the initiative to fix what's wrong with him? Has he gone complete NC? Is he respecting any boundaries that were put in place? These are just a few things that can be done to regain some trust. A truly remorseful spouse accepts that they messed everything up and does whatever is necessary to fix things for as long as it takes.

My STBXWW was the same way. At her core she was selfish and couldn't figure out how to think of anyone other than herself. There was always something I did wrong or she wasn't happy, or upset about something and it was all a big box of excuses for her not having decent coping skills or being mentally mature enough to understand that love actually takes work. There was always a "but" after every statement she made about her A. It was easier for her to have an A then it was for her to address any problems in her life. Her coping mechanism was to run away.

My WW had plenty of underlying issues but I do believe "love" addiction was one of them. She believes the chemical high in the beginning of a relationship is true love. IMO, she never understood that love takes work and is a choice just as much if not more than it is a feeling. Just my 2 cents.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

McJack- I would vote for you!
Let us know how the election worked out.

heartbroken-
I told my children about the LTA very soon after d-day.I was an emotional and physical wreck and like your children they began to ask questions. I decided that I would not lie to them and I would not cover up for my husband any longer!
I had shielded my children for years from the reality of his alcoholism. I did such a good job of covering things up that they never had a clue.
And meanwhile...what good did it do? All it did was enable my FWH to continue in his toxic ways longer because he was never held accountable.
The LTA was the last straw for me.
I told everyone! My daughter was 21 at the time and my son was 23. Grown but still pretty young.
I also told my family and my husband's family as well as close friends.

I was not going to cover for him any longer and I was not going to enable him to do these terrible things and still have his good reputation intact.

In my case telling was the best thing that I could have done.
It made my husband finally stop and take a good long hard look at himself. He hit bottom.
And he immediately began his journey to change and improve himself.

My children were shocked, horrified and angry with him and very very supportive of me.
I think that looking his kids in the eye and admitting to how low he had sunk must have been an extremely difficult thing to do for my husband.

But...all things happen for a reason.

Over the years post d-day my husband has worked extremely hard to make it up to me, to apologize to me and our family and to make real changes in himself.
All of his hard work has not gone unnoticed.
With time my children began to forgive him and now (7 yrs later) have a new found respect for their dad and they love him very much.

so..that was my experience with telling people about the LTA.

(oh and as for other family members-they have also forgiven him due to the change they have seen in him and how happy we now are in our marriage).


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats and 7yrs-
I just wanted to say that your advice and comments are just stellar. Couldn't be better.
I know that the newbies must really appreciate it.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awww shucks, thx njgal.

MC_Jack won his election last night.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
BlondandBlue
♀ New Member
Member # 42370
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed
I do know that my WS was equally responsible for the PA as the OW and he does have an enormous amount of work that he has to do to fix himself and fix our marriage. I feel nothing but hate for the OW who initiated contact with my husband and spent years trying to break up our marriage. I am devastated by my WS's actions, angry at him for the lies and deceit and the damage he caused my marriage. But while I hate his actions, I want our marriage to work so I have to find a way to move forward and the only way I know how to do that is to judge his actions from this day forward-demanding complete transparency and honesty, giving ourselves chances to rediscover the person we married by going on dates and taking trips, having the difficult conversations and letting him know what my expectations are, and figuring out whether we want the same things in life and if we can compromise on the differences. We have a lot of work to do and I hope five years from now I can be one of the contributors who can say that it was worth it.

I think for my WS, his PA wasn't so much a habit or an addiction as it was a fantasy life. The OW lives in another state and no one from his "real" life knows her (or knows about the PA). He is someone who desperately needs attention, to be the center of attention and when he didn't think he was getting it from me, and the OW contacted him (right after her marriage ended when her husband left her for another woman), he ate up the attention. When he saw her it was like going on vacation because she could focus 100% of her attention on him and it was all play (dinner parties or dinners out, concerts and trips together) and none of the daily grind of real life-chores, bills, children and other responsibilities that he had in his life with me. It was an escape but it wasn't real. I haven't specifically asked why he chose to stay with me instead of "giving up" his real life and moving to be with her, and someday when I'm stronger I will, perhaps he realized that that relationship was one big lie and what he has with me isn't.


Me-57
Him-56
Married 31 years, 3 adult children
DDay-7/17/13
DDay 2-4/26/14

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations MCJack! Great news!

7 yrs and Ats: excellent advice!!! I had to reread it for myself a few times.

Hugs and prayers to all the newbies. Been in a lot of pain myself lately, so I would post more.


{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTA = The Ultimate Fantasy/Habit

My H told me that he is so sorry that he "f'd" up our M and the best things in his life. He says that his negative talk, from his FOO issues, have always led him to make the choices that confirm that talk.

Yesterday, I found a picture of his mom and the married man that she had been having an A with. The date of the pic was 1974. Here it was, confirmation that my H and his siblings were taught that infidelity was ok.

When I told my H about the picture and the date, he was sad that it went back to 1974. We did not talk about it. This is something that my H has to process.

the hurt will remain with you always...like when you lose someone to death...after all your marriage as you knew it died....but with time the hurt will change...evolve....you will always mourn for the loss of innocence, the loss of complete unwavering trust in another....but for some, new trust can be earned....will it ever be blind trust..prob not...but thats ok....and thats a biggie...deciding that its ok not to have that blind trust....you will actually have to decide that many things that happen and transpire are ok....doesn't mean that we have to like it...but we need to learn acceptance of what is!!!

It is what it is, and it can become what we make of it!!!


^^^ Yes, the illusion of a M that would not have infidelity, physical and emotional abuse have died. This great love has seen all of it. My H cheated on me for years and his lies amount to nothing short of emotional abuse. Me, as a defense mechanism and as an expression of my pain resorted to physical abuse.

So often I ask: "Who are these people?" What happened to the career woman with the "S" on her chest? Where is the man that promised this woman "forever"?. Was this man ever faithful to this woman? Did this woman ever fully love this man?

Out of the ashes of the pain of infidelity, which for me ended that old marriage, a new me has arisen. I am stronger in that I no longer just hand out my trust. Trust is something that has to be earned. I no longer say "I love you" as a verbal tick. My love is earned; it is heartfelt and my love is appreciated. I can see a future without my H or any other man in my life.

Last year at this time my heart was obliterated. MY H had come to me and admitted that he had been having an A. I had been contacted and abused by the AP. My H had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and the resulting surgery left him with erectile dysfunction and urinary incontinence. My mother was exhibiting signs of dementia and further diabetic nerve damage. Lastly, I was, and still am, unemployed and just plain lost.

A year later, my H and I are both working on building a better relationship. I went to an in house facility to manage my anger and to get a grasp of my better coping skills. Moreover, IC, group therapy, SI and journaling have all aided in my road to healing. I will never get over the betrayals. My hope was to get through it. If my H were to up and leave today, I will survive and do the work to thrive.

I can now say that my H and I are friends again. I can not say that he is my best friend, but we are friends. We laugh, we snuggle and we look forward to spending time together. The two of us are forming the quality unit that we never were.

There is so much work still to be done. My H says that he regrets the time that he lost while in the A. He also says that he HATES what he did to me. Beginning tomorrow, my H is off from work for about 9 days. We have planned to spend Tuesday talking about the pre A issues and his A. My hope is that he and I can finally have that all in all talk.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 434 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to admit right up front that I am here to whine, and I'm whining at you because you are the only people on the planet who I know for sure will understand me. Also, if TMI bothers you, stop reading.

For the first time in a long time, WH and I had sex, and really great sex at that. It was emotional and tender and fun and all the things you want sex to be. Afterward, as I started to drift off, the thought occurred to me that the reason it was so great was that WH had been practicing, for the last 7 years, on his slunt.

DAMN!!

From there I spiraled down into feeling like just the last in a long line of meaningless fucks, that there is nothing special left to lovemaking after he's given it away to so many others for so long, that he got his fill of great sex with "IT" while I essentially went without all those years, that "IT" was better in bed and more attractive than I (not making this up, WH blurted this out in a convo shortly after DDay), and on and on and on until every good feeling we had just created was obliterated in a tsunami of resentment about his LTA.

It never goes away. It will never go away. He will never be able to unfuck the slut that he threw me away for. I will never be able to go back to feeling like "the one." Even at our most emotionally intimate moments, the LTA will be there, blowing things up.

I hate this shit!! I hate the work of having to heal myself from his sniper wounds. I hate having to give the LTA brainspace when I want to think about other things. I hate that my lovely life got hijacked. IhateitIhateitIhateit!!

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming...


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right Krsplat, the special from the old M goes away. If the WS is motivated and does the work, and if the BS is willing, once you get to acceptance and healing you can have new special in a new and more authentic relationship.

Sorry the triggered thoughts you had spoiled your good feelings. FWIW, I came to realize that physically the sex stbx had with her OM was the same we had. Sure maybe she was more adventurous with the rush of the A, but it was no more special for any of the OM than it was for me in the years before dday.

After dday we had sex a few times that was authentic and really special for me.

((krsplat))


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

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