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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{krsplat}}}

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It never goes away. It will never go away. He will never be able to unfuck the slut that he threw me away for. I will never be able to go back to feeling like "the one."


((krsplat)) OMG ...Once again you and I are sharing similar cosmic activity. My H and I made love yesterday. I had to talk myself into touching him.

Although neither one of us were virgins when we married, we did pledge fidelity to one another. My H and I never discussed sex with our ex's. Our lives began when we met.

Now, since he shared himself with it, my mind goes everywhere. Like you said, I do not feel special anymore. My H never said anything about my appearance. He was cruel in other ways. I am a bit OCD when it comes to cleanliness. Also, I pride myself in being a good cook. Jokingly. family and friends called our home "the resort". But, when he was in the A he would insult me concerning my cooking and cleaning.

The attitude and those comments that my H made, will be with me forever. I do not feel like my home is special. I don't feel like my H is special to me. He did this to me. His choices have caused me to harden my heart.

As far as our sexual intimacy, since his prostate cancer surgery and his ED, if he can get it up, I am taking it.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

very short on time...need to go to work...blah


several have posted about things that their ws have and still do say to them.....things that are cruel, not true...etc...

know this.....its not you....they have said what they needed to say to themselves to justify their own behavior....and all of those "excuses" are hard to let go of...even for the most remorseful ......it was an inner dialogue the ws has within themselves.....it was how they justified their continued behavior....make you the villain thereby they have just cause to do what they want to do...and they were at it for a long ass time...changing inner dialogue is tough...and only the truely remorseful will change it completely.....the ones who were just sorry they got caught will try to change some ot it...but ususally do not succeed.....

so remember......people try to justify behavior by labeling another.....

gotta run


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BrokenheartedWif
♀ Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Iwantamircle for that reminder.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh the blameshifting is the hardest (!!) to deal with...

WH is so all over wanting to focus on my 50% problem with communicating - so then I feel it's all "my fault" for not "speaking his love language" until I can correct that thought in my head that we both failed to communicate. But I didn't go fuck other people ugh = dang broken wayward brains



"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 208 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always hated the blame shifting too. And there is also the tactic for equivocating - finding something that you did wrong too at some point just to show you are not perfect either.

all - thanks for the well wishes about my election - and for the support.

and yes... I won!!! Hasn't sunk in yet really. I crushed it 65% to 35%. Best part I did it with only an $11K budget whilst my opponent spent $30K. Now to the next round - the general election this fall.

****

My WW was talking with a woman this past week about my election. This woman is leaving her husband and divorcing him because of ilybinilwy, he is not good enough, she just doesn't feel it, whatever. No evidence of an A but who knows. Her H is torn up.
Anyways, this W was goin on about her H and complaining about him, how he has also always been interested in politics but has never 'dine anything' blah blah blah. A tone of disapproval. But also no real understanding that maybe her H had made sacrifices.
My wife saw herself, or maybe her old self, someone who did NOT build UP her husband, but just focused on tearing him down.

***

one more reason to focus on yourself. Work on yourself. Had I been 'quality' (my take on tryn's approach) I would not have stayed with someone for so long who did not BUILD ME UP.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Sunday morning to all...


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning to you too!!! Today the sun shines and I hope each one of you have a wonderful day. My WH and I are headed to church. I have found that it is the best way for me/us to start the week. We still have lots of work to do, like BestofMe, we have both feet pointed in the right direction. It has been 7 weeks since d-day and I will say I thought I would never make it this far! But I did and we are still together and he is working hard to help me get through this. I enjoy everyone's post and I can usually find something to help us in each one! God bless you all!!!!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today, June 30th was H's birthday. For him it was a time of reflection. For me, my Spidey senses were on alert for any break in NC. We discussed how his bd may be a way for it to test the waters. When Mr. TBM and I were talking, in mind he sounded like (in a Jerry Springer Show kind of voice with the neck roll and finger snap " Oh no she didn't. I don't have nutin to do with that negativity".

The fact that I can laugh about a subject that last year had me on edge gives me hope.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been quiet in here, hope everyone is doing well and has a pleasant 4th holiday (for the Americans). I am diving with friends on Saturday, then visiting my folks through Sunday night while stbx moves stuff to her apartment. I am visiting a site Monday morning, and by the time I get home Monday evening she will be living in her new place. I am feeling at peace, and looking forward to when all the paperwork is completed and the court hearing over. No waiting periods, so we can be done by T-giving if it all goes smoothly.

Once the D was on the table, any remnant feelings about the As and OM melted away for me. Part of the lesson for me was to give up trying to control the events and let it happen. People D all the time, it is clearly survivable.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Ats}}}

I hope you have a good time!

You will be more at peace now. You know you've done everything humanly possible.

Be prepared, though, for a few more roller coaster emotions, though. It's normal. Change, even when it's better, can be stressful.


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - thinking about you this weekend.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2168 | Registered: Nov 2009
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad you are fining peace, ats. I hope the same for all of us, one way or another.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

congrats mc jack...


and i guess congrats to you to ats....you do sound "at peace"...looking forward to feeling that myself ....and wow.....you sure do move fast...it feels like you just announced that you and mrs ats were ""d"ing......

today was a landmark day for me of sorts....pfm and i have hosted the 4th for 25 years...missing only 2 in all that time....1 when he had surgery and the other when we were between houses.....and its the first we have missed in 15 years.....manchild i know seemed to miss it most of all.....my other 2 kids were preoccupied with other plans....for me it was bittersweet...the weather here in ny was not great....lots of rain, and pretty cold....so it was a relief of sorts not to worry about bad weather....but still it was always such a great party we put on.....my kids loved the 4th better then their birthdays and xmas put together.....but its done....and time to look forward

and looking forward i am .......and still pfm professes his love and mutters to himself out loud for all to hear....the latest....

"i wish you still loved me"....he is quite pitiful...and also very very angry....its under the surface, and i know that one of these days it won't be just under the surface any more...i just pray that i am no where in sight....nor my kids....


i hope all had a wonderful 4th....and may you all have an awesome 5th and 6th.....its so nice to have a long weekend!!!

(((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone else noticed that other LTA are posting but not here?

Hey, fellow LTA post here too. We are a special breed and many of us can use our specific insight and hugs.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not surprising...it would not sign for the certified no contact letter.

That behavior reinforces that when faced a bully backs down. They are cowards and prey on individuals that are assumed to be weak. But, you know what assume means.

The returned letter will go into a file. Surely, it will rear its ugly head later down the road. Does anyone else find it confusing, troubling or funny, that the AP that intended to wreck your M and to take your spouse/partner, turns out to be a nebbish, a nothing?

For so many years this person set out to destroy me with calls to my home and I can only imagine what else. Now, according to it; it is the victim. It got what it deserved for deliberately causing pain to another human being.

I smile because the universe brings things into balance. It may have taken almost a decade, but the timing is no doubt correct. No matter what the future holds, I am stronger both physically and emotionally. My H could leave today; be it death or divorce; and I will not just survive: This woman will THRIVE!!!

This journey has not been easy for me. You know that I have had both suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I have had to be sent away for my own protection as well as for the safety of others. Through all of this, Mr. TBM has remained by my side. I realize that it is his KISA personality. Nonetheless, my H has been there for me.

Some things I can not and will not blame on his choices. Like Blakesteele has said, I was not a quality person: wife, friend or lover. Unfortunately, the LTA had been the catalyst for me beginning to unravel why I was not quality and what things I needed to improve on to make me a quality individual.

Despite the sadness of knowing that my M has much to overcome,I feel so much better about myself. I wish this for all my LTA family. Through the tears and the fears, may we all find the strength and courage to press forward.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, TBM, I do SO love to read your posts. I do alot of swimming out in General, but this thread has become my "safe" end of the pool. You're the only ones who don't tell me I'm a spineless idiot for allowing WH to continue living in my home while I figure all of this shit out!

No matter what the future holds, I am stronger both physically and emotionally. My H could leave today; be it death or divorce; and I will not just survive: This woman will THRIVE!!!

I'm not quite here yet, but am striving to make it so. I can confidently state that I am prepared to D if need be, and have a plan to make it happen. But my self-esteem is still really in the toilet. I'd survive, but thriving is going to take some more work!


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, the LTA had been the catalyst for me beginning to unravel why I was not quality and what things I needed to improve on to make me a quality individual.
^^^You are going to find out so much about yourself on that journey. If you are like me there are some things that you won't like about yourself but for the most part I don't think you are going to find you need any major tweaking. No one is perfect but at least in my case I found at my core I was who I always thought I was. Yes I had to file for D but I did a lot of soul searching during and after that time and there wasn't much I needed to change. I am essentially the person I was before I got married, just a little older and much wiser now. The big thing for me was the codependancy issues which I worked through and stay on guard for constantly.

I was a good husband and parent in my M and I think you will find that for the most part you were as well. It was the fact that during the LTA the things I did that were good were not recognized, minimized or just blown off. I was a good husband and my WW just chose not to recognize it. In her mind she had to keep justitying her A so I had to remain the bad guy. Because I never got any positve reinforcement from her my self image went in the tank and I believed there was something wrong with me. Maybe not the best comparison but if you tell a child they are stupid long enough eventually they believe it. It doesn't matter how bright the child is they believe what you are telling them since all they get is negative reinforcement. I was doing all these things to help my ailing marriage but none of it was helping and I didn't know why. Oh she gave me plenty of reasons like I was overweight, to tight with money, the house wasn't clean enough, we never go on trips, she wanted a new car, the kids take up to much time, I work to much, the list goes on and on. My wife didn't acknowledge any of the good things I did but pointed out all of the "bad" things or "bad" things she could come up with. The majority of it was complete bullshit.

I sat back and took stock of just what I put into my M. At the end I realized that I was always a good/great husband and a great father. However I didn't believe that because just like that child I had been told through her actions and words that I was not good enough and believed it. Getting away from her and getting some perspective helped me with that big time. It's not you, it's them was very true in my case. My situation is a little different because my WW was truly unremorseful but don't be surprised if you find some similar things on your path to figuring you out. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:14 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats...I'm glad you are moving forward and finding peace. You certainly put forth so much work and gave it your best. I dont post often but have been around for about 3 years and know most of your story. Good Luck...I wish you happiness...well of course I wish the whole tribe happiness!

(((Ats)))


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1011 | Registered: Apr 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 0115, I remember you, and thank you for the supportive thoughts. stbx has moved to her apartment, and it is much easier without being in the same house. I am sleeping better, and less anxious. Monday was difficult knowing I would be coming home to her gone, and at times I catch myself thinking I need to tell stbx such and such, or stbx would be interested in this. I suspect this is normal after 25 years together. I know she is struggling too with being alone at night and having to make all the decisions, but she is working through it.

There is still a lot of property and debt to get sorted through and the final paperwork and hearings, but I am getting used to being "single". I do need to keep working on the paperwork and filing part to keep it moving forward.

I am talking more with my boys rather than relying on getting caught-up second hand through stbx, and I am enjoying this. Family and friends IRL have rallied and been supportive too.

I am glad we are doing this after the healing rather than in the midst of anger and resentment. That we are both much more aware of the situation and dynamics than we were 4 years ago.

--Ats


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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