I am posting here per request.
I am separated again after moving back home for F R.
no he was not in a PA but was still in ws mode.
So here I am. I am not bitter, angry, sad, just accepted that he is who he is and I can not fix him. I love him and want our marriage to work but I can't do it alone.
He needs to find out his why and root issue. Not for me to fix. I have be kind to myself and get to know me again. Maybe one day we can try again if he becomes remorseful and understands what he actually did to me in that 5 years. (he knew I knew about A, most fights were about his little lover, late nights into morning, leaving me to take care of everything).
What I have learned is that if I hold on to the past that is where I will stay. And I don't want to stay in that. It was toxic and exhausting.
I am starting to see a happy place and a place where I feel I can make my new home.
Will be back to post more.
As the dust settles I find myself trying to work through a lot of the same things you mentioned. My fWH and I are still together but I'm not committed in my heart. I want to be able to be whole and happy without him and make a good choice when we're both in a better individual place.
I am going away on a "work on myself weekend" this weekend and I'm sure I'll want to pick up the phone too. I want the strength to be able to be OK just to be me.
I'm really proud of you. This is tough stuff. If I find anything useful this weekend I'll pass it on
It's been close to a year since I have posted. I have been reading some of the posts of how hard moving forward is after losing what you thought was a sacred marriage.
If you remember, my dad had brain cancer while my stellar husband was cheating on me. I nearly lost my mind. It was nothing short of a pure hell. If I had a crystal ball when I first found out I would have ran and never looked back. I have tons of resentment and he doesn't have near the remorse he should have. Why do I stay? I don't know! All of the things you all have mentioned aren't coming back. I will never feel like "the one", I will never trust him as far as I can throw him. Things will NEVER be the same or even close to what a marriage really should be.
I was very close with my dad and he passed away at the age of 66 without ever being sick before the cancer. I know he wasn't perfect but he was definitely a quality man. He was always there for me and supported me in everything. I miss him so much. I know some wont like my next comment, but here goes- for me, as a woman, men in my life are my anchors! My husband and father lead our families, hold our family together, kept the ship upright, etc. with the death of my dad and a cheating husband I feel like we are all lost.
I agree with those of you who say it gets better. It does but in a whole different way. I pulled myself together to function at my job and had an awesome school year except for the period where my dad passed away. For me, work is where I have been able to rebuild myself back to a little bit of the old me. I am working on repairing my relationship with my kids. My oldest, 23 yrs old, accused me of being checked out and pretty much quick talking to me. I have a 17 and 14 year old at home who needed me to be their mother instead of a breathing zombie. I have to say I am back on the right road with them too. It breaks my heart that I gave his affair so much power.
As for him- wow! He says he wants to reconcile as he has for the 3 years he's had his affair. He doesn't show the remorse I feel he should. He accepts the responsibility but doesn't "get it" when it comes to understanding the extent of the damage. He thinks it was wrong of me to contact her husband. He sees it as wanting to punish her family. I always respond with the fact that she had absolutely no respect for me, my family and our marriage and that her husband deserved to know what his wife was all about. We don't have much middle ground on that topic.
I don't know, it's tough. It took me 3 years for the hope to die but he finally killed it. I always had hope, thought things would work out. A LTA hurts so much! I am pretty much numb. Our 18th anniversary was this year but for the first time I questioned if it was 18 or 15 years since he spent 3 of them cheating on me.
I'm hanging in their fixing the damage he caused to me and our family. As for us, that remains to be seen, the zest is gone and I'm not sure it's coming back.
For all WS- i believe so much that if you want to save your marriage, show your BS tons of empathy, remorse and support. Like my hero Dr. Phil says, "she ain't getting over it til you get it".
I don't mean to be a debby downer but please make sure you know what you are dealing with. The price can be high and sometimes unaffordable.
You are absolutely right.
The main ingredient needed for reconciling after a LTA is a repentant FWS who is extremely remorseful and willing to do everything in his (or her) power to try to make amends and save the marriage.
If the WS is still pointing fingers at the BS and is not 100% committed to saving the marriage then you will end up with a less than stellar marriage and most likely divorced.
A few members here on the LTA forum have experienced that.They were willing to try to work to save the marriage but a BS cannot do it alone. The WS has to do the heavy lifting...especially at first.
That was what happened in my case.
After d-day I was a shell shocked zombie...completely traumatized by the betrayal.
I kicked my FWH out of the house and proceeded to file for divorce.
My FWH showed extreme remorse from day one. He threw the OW under the bus and never looked back. And form day one he took all the blame and never once uttered a negative word about me.
He started to work on himself right away and made huge changes. He went to AA and got sober. And that was not done casually-he threw himself in for 90 meetings in 90 days and went through all of the steps including making amends to all the people he had hurt.
He contacted our children to apologize and contacted my sisters and apologized to them as well.
I outed his LTA to his boss, his co-workers, (the MOW was a co-worker) , to the OW's husband, to our friends and family. I was not going to keep his secrets for him!
He never once criticized me for doing that.
He went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs and agreed to go to MC with me 3 months after d-day when I started to consider the idea of reconciliation.
And the reason that I even considered reconciling was due to the level of remorse that he had shown as well as the commitment for change that he had shown as well.
D-day for me was Jan. 2007 and I can say that it is possible to survive a LTA and to even thrive. It just takes time and a lot of hard work.
In the end- you may end up deciding that your WS has not shown the remorse and commitment needed to save the marriage or you may find out that the LTA was a deal breaker for you..something that you have not been able to get over....or...like me you may find that it is possible to save your marriage, to reinvent yourself and have a chance for a new beginning and have a new and improved marriage.
After d-day my husband and I were separated for almost 6 months.
After all of his changes and IC for me and MC for us both I finally agreed to try again and allowed him to move back home.
Coincidentally it was our wedding anniversary on that very day and I decided that I did not want the move in date to just be like any other day.
It was a huge deal for me to forgive him and give him another chance and I wanted it to be noted as such.
I suggested a re-commitment ceremony with new rings for a new beginning. All I promised to that day was a commitment to try to save our marriage.
Before the ceremony I met with the minister and said to him that I did not know what anniversary I was celebrating.
Was it our 30th? or should I subtract the 5 yrs of the LTA and call it our 25th? or should I look at it as our 1st year together in a new marriage?
And the minister said that in his opinion it was our 30th wedding anniversary... and to think of my marriage as a large tapestry and every thread represented different events and people in our lives.... and that the 5 years of the LTA and the tough years post d-day recovering from the betrayal would be woven into the fabric of our marriage to create one large tapestry and over time it will blend in and I would just see the beauty of the whole......
I am not bitter, angry, sad, just accepted that he is who he is and I can not fix him.
perfect.. because you cannot fix him anyway. All you can be is the most quality you can be.. and that attraction will many times change people.. not because you did anything to change them... because they wanted to change themselves because they place that much value in YOU. And some folk just place value in ways where they cannot realize it is bad quality.. some behaviors we think are good quality are not neccessary an attraction.. or lacking in some way. Sometimes, leaving someone who does not value us is a good attraction.
He Gotta.. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I sure he felt great comfort with you in those last days when he was ill. If I was in his shoes.. I would want someone just like YOU.
No way you were wrong in expose that sin.. Perhaps if it was years away and the OW had changed to make the best of her M.. but she was not.. and it was only fair to her H.. Hold you head high on that one, and your H can think whatever he wants.. if he thinks like that, he just has poor values.. your H should watch Dr Pil.. on his own, his own choice to be that kind of man.
No middle ground..
We all have free will. Some of have more courage than others... Some of us find great comfort in security, we like just the right amount of love we get.. some need more, some less.. some of us take more risk than others.. it is our decision..
Bad consequences should lead people to repent.. People sometimes don't... they really care less about our feelings. But glad you see it.. if someone who cheats does repent, It can have an amazing good effect on a relationship.. We must be wise to see it too and make decisions with courage, for our own sanity.
[This message edited by trynhard at 12:20 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]
my dad had brain cancer while my stellar husband was cheating on me
@Gotta2- I so understand this pain! My H was well into the lurvve phase of his LTA when I was given my dad's terminal prognosis. In fact, he was living a double life with his AP, while I watched my beloved father suffer and die.
The resentment that I feel toward my H is often palpable. He was grinning with and sexing another woman while I was sleeping in chairs at the hospital. He was cuddled up with someone else as I drove 2 hours on lonely highways late at night rushing to the hospital after receiving an emergency phone call.
It is not sex with another woman or habitual lies that killed my love for my H. I no longer have romantic love for him because he chose to continue this activity when I needed him the most.
Recently my H looked at me and said "One day you will love me like you used to". My response ....crickets.....
I resent that since the A ended, he is all in love with me. I resent that my H wants our M to be like it was for him: I took care of everything and he was allowed to live without a care. Well, that M ended when he decided to disrespect it.
For me, the new relationship is meh. I view it as though we were dating. If it works, it works. At least this time I know the person. Oh, my H tries to get his way; he'll try bullying, buying or inviting me to join into his pity party. Those moves worked in the past on the unhealthy me. The new and improved me will have no part in it.
I observe my H closely and see his remorse, regret and guilt over the choices that he made. I tell him that I recognize what he is doing. Hopefully, the changes are heartfelt and for the right reasons. Only time will tell.
However, my H could turn tears into diamonds but if I decide to D the decision is mine.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
My husband is also frustrated that he doesn't feel like I love him like I should. Really? Do you think I felt loved or even liked a little bit when i begged him to stop his affair? I caught him sooo many times and bought the bill of goods he sold me every time. The last straw in hope for me was when I downloaded his emails on his old phone in march. He was messaging her his love for her, etc. he was out of town at the time so I just sat on it reading all of his messages to her. That's the day he shot the hope right out of me. It's also the day he said it was over with her for good this time. And I should believe that because?
I only see the woah is me out of him. He pretends to have empathy and understanding but I don't believe it's heartfelt enough. I sank to such lows during his affair that I didn't know which way was up, I cried endlessly, I was depressed, I let my job performance fall and worse yet I checked out on my kids. Did he care then? No, he bullied me into thinking it was my fault we weren't moving forward. I was obsessed and he wasn't doing it anymore. LIAR! So much damage occurred that I don't know that I can get over it. All of the loss of innocence, trust and feeling like your spouse is on your team. Nothing like kicking someone when they are down.
I think I am in the same place you are. I can take it or leave it. It will either work or it won't. We will survive. I don't count on him to be my partner. I do what I need to do what's right for me. I don't trust him to watch my back for sure. I know what he's capable of when my back is turned.
Hang on there, girl. We will see what these men are really
Made of. Mine isn't smart enough to hide his affair that well if he choses to go down that road again. Trust me, if he goes down that road again, I will buy him a one way ticket to never come back! He's messing with a different girl than he was earlier.
Mine isn't smart enough to hide his affair
Neither was mine... When he told his AP that I had gotten a private investigator, it got him a "secret" cell phone. Of course I did not hire a P.I. I would not have spent a dime on their debased activity. Often times the OW lets the wife know about the A. It let me know early in the A.
When I asked him about the 3rd phone that he was toting on his belt, get this: "I found it".
His lies were so transparent and juvenile that at times I would just shake my head.
The situation between us had gotten so dire that I would not, could not and did not give a s--t. Remember, the height of the A was during the worse point in my life. Thankfully, my attention was focused on my father's medical care. Had it not been, I am sure that my behavior would not have been stellar.
Don't you find it hard to find a card for those special occasions? Like when it says "my soulmate, my best friend, my trusted lover," etc. I hate looking for a card because I won't buy one that says those words, I don't feel them and I don't mean them!
I am a woman of my word and I don't say anything that I don't mean. Therefore, there have been no:
Happy Anniversary, Happy Valentines Day, Merry Christmas, Happy Thanksgiving, To My Husband, To My Best Friend.
I recently went to the doctor for a follow up exam. In the past I would have contacted my H with an update as soon as I got out of the doctor's office. Because I don't trust him with information about me, I did not feel the need to share. My privacy had been invaded by his AP. It would read the text messages between my H and I.
Right now as I'm typing this "I hate them both" Breathe TBM...Breathe.... Count to 100 and Breathe TBM...
Being able to express myself on S.I. with others that get it is cathartic.
Thank you friends.
Mine isn't smart enough to hide his affair that well if he choses to go down that road again. Trust me, if he goes down that road again, I will buy him a one way ticket to never come back! He's messing with a different girl than he was earlier.
It looks like your divorce might be finally over or at least close? It's a tough road, I'm sorry.
I appreciate your comment, good to hear fri you!.
It looks like your divorce might be finally over or at least close? It's a tough road, I'm sorry.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:48 PM, July 11th (Friday)]
It is not sex with another woman or habitual lies that killed my love for my H. I no longer have romantic love for him because he chose to continue this activity when I needed him the most
ooooh = this is so where I am
I don't want to give the OW that kind of power over our romantic lives, but I am really really really struggling with what I am judging as Why should I "reward" his abandonment?
I am just so hurting when I think that rather than honor me and cherish our commitment to each other by confessing his stupidity in 2008 so we could deal with things together... in his words, "I didn't want you to beat me up" meant he dug the dirt from under the foundation of our house to fill his hole mentality - dang trauma bond compartmentalizing two lives...
But he didn't just split-in-two and balance things = he left me. I got thrown away and disrespected as trash by that decision of his to shut me out, to exclude me from "his" life.
And I let him = I trusted he loved me.
But his actions to me screamed "I'm not here" because he wasn't present really anymore... I got left with the husk, the going-through-the-motions man
and I let him ... I rationalized "it's just a phase, it'll get better once we are done with kids in diapers"
He's in therapy "for ED/depression" and I feel guilty for even thinking of burdening him with my problems... ugh the decisions I so want to go back and now make with a better understanding of the big picture
ah well = wabi sabi, man it's all about realizing nothing is permanent... thankful for that understanding
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years
My H abused my trust by telling me that he was working and living in hotels. All those years he had been living with it. They were a unit and it considered him her H.
So much is coming to the surface about who my H really is. I do not respect him. I don't like him. He is a liar. He is immature, selfish and judgmental. However, as badly as he has hurt me, nothing compares to the pain that he has reaped on himself.
I rationalized "it's just a phase, it'll get better once we are done with kids in diapers"
its called life....its not always rosy, its not always happy....and yes there is supposed to be those times when its not equal....
i stopped blaming myself for settling....because honestly if i would go back in time and everything i settled for was still there and the women were never there...i would be content with my life..because i would have my family intact and i would still believe that i was loved, and only me.....while i wouldn't be completely happy i wouldn't be miserable....its amazing how i look back and see my ws for what and who he really was....he was a shitty husband and father...but still i made the most of it and was happy within my life...not my marriage but in my life...i was happy...and was sad because i knew he was not...
i will never settle for less then ever again because i will no longer be having any kids....but if i did i think i would....because that is what would be important to me..keeping my family intact...i could live with all the other shit...but never ever could i or would i be able to live not being someone number 1 and only love!!!
and no matter how you slice it.....betrayal kills.....
7 years...glad to hear it went as expected....still sad to me...10 minutes seems like nothing.....yet its been over a year in the planning....reminds me of my wedding..planning and planning and it over in no time....except this is an ending and a new beginning....well i take that back so was getting married...
i hope your new beginning is much happier then your last new beginning and hopefully this one has a happily ever after...
btw, decimated heart is still hangin in there....i will let her know you were thinkin bout her...
still very quiet in here!!!
Come on in. You are safe in here.
Hey, we'll leave the light on for you
I have missed you. I have not been posting because WH learned my screen name; however, I realize that he has no actual interest in what I think, so I can post freely.
Ats: Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.
I also wanted to add that black & white cookies make everything better.
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.