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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle

I could have written this:

what we settled for:
its called life....its not always rosy, its not always happy....and yes there is supposed to be those times when its not equal....

i stopped blaming myself for settling....because honestly if i would go back in time and everything i settled for was still there and the women were never there...i would be content with my life..because i would have my family intact and i would still believe that i was loved, and only me.....while i wouldn't be completely happy i wouldn't be miserable....its amazing how i look back and see my ws for what and who he really was....he was a shitty husband and father...but still i made the most of it and was happy within my life...not my marriage but in my life...i was happy...and was sad because i knew he was not...

i will never settle for less then ever again because i will no longer be having any kids....but if i did i think i would....because that is what would be important to me..keeping my family intact...i could live with all the other shit...but never ever could i or would i be able to live not being someone number 1 and only love!!!

You are such a wise and lovely woman. You see the world of the BW so clearly. You see and know what matters.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 58Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2761 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

.....while i wouldn't be completely happy i wouldn't be miserable....

This really describes my M'd life too, at least until the affairs and dday. I thought my M should be better, I knew stbx was unhappy, I was making efforts to be a better H, but in general I was happy. I had friends, I enjoyed my family, I enjoyed my career, I had hobbies.

I really think that this is a key in looking at the potential in a relationship. I am basically optimistic, stbx a pessimist. I take responsibility for my own happiness and success, stbx does not. At the height of her affairs (I did not know at the time), when our M was at its worse, I began volunteering to fill the need for socialization, activity, and accomplishment. I got back to exercising. Compare this to stbx and other WSs who turned to an OP for happiness and fulfillment. STBX has had 2 husbands, 1 OM in her first M, and 4 OM in our M (that I know of), and has never been happy. With all of us (5 OM & 2 H), she has been happy with us for a year or two and that is it. I am still not sure why she stayed with me for so many years when she was not happy from nearly the beginning of our M.

Hi Laura and Allgood.

I have/am adjusting well to being separated with just DS18 and I in the house. I commented in another forum how after years of being told how messy I was and that I did not do enough to help around the house, that the house really is neat and clean lately. This was just another of stbx’s issues she projected on to me. I am working to establish a social network of people to meet regularly for a drink or activity.

The next step is to visit with an attorney to get some suggestions on how to address our upside down house that I am living in and paying the bills on with stbx on the mortgage, and the debt on a second mortgage that we tapped pretty hard while stbx was unemployed and we had child in college. I presume these are not uncommon questions and there is an established way to set up the responsibilities and expectations.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I am meeting a friend tonight and intend to have a good time myself.

--Ats


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4162 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All-

I've been reading all posts for a while now and you all have helped me understand that I am not alone in this. However, since D-day I've felt so alone and miserable. I can't shake it off. It is also extremely hard to put a good face in front of my children and also make it seem like their dad and I are good friends. We are done. Court date is set for next month. I am hoping that after the divorce is final, I will be able to start putting this nightmare behind me. WH's OW confronted me about their LTA. Something I had no clue of!He was extremely careful in hiding this affair for years!


Posts: 105 | Registered: Jul 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hopefulmom44. Welcome to SI and glad that you have been reading and it's helping. SI kept me from going insane. Please post as often as you like. This thread can be slow or fast at times.

It is also extremely hard to put a good face in front of my children and also make it seem like their dad and I are good friends.
I don't know how old your children are but mine are 9 and 7. I don't put on a good face in front of my kids. I am not mean and I speak to XWW if the kids are around but I have nothing to say and will never have anything to say to her again. I speak/text/email only when necessary because of the kids. Other than that, she no longer exists to me. This isn't a holding on to anger thing for me. It's a "I needed to set a boundary so she clearly understands that we will never be friends" kind of thing. I also don't want the kids getting any wrong ideas or false hope about us getting back together. Now that XWW has a boyfriend the questions from the kids have slowed some but on occasion I still get the "Dad it would be nice if we could do this or that with mom or at her house." I just explain that that won't be happening and they can do things with their Mom and things with me but not together. They know they can speak to me about anything and they do which can be weird but I don't put on any acts in front of the kids when mom is around. The reality is XWW blew up that family unit and it's never coming back so I focus on my time with the kids and making sure they know my home is first and foremost a safe haven for them.

Court date is set for next month. I am hoping that after the divorce is final, I will be able to start putting this nightmare behind me.
The D does help but I would encourage you to start taking those steps now. IMO, you can never start to early when it comes to detaching. You still go through the steps of grieving but start making new friends, establishing new hobbies, doing things with your kids, in general living your life and figuring out where you go from here now. Yes it takes getting used to but the sooner you start the sooner you are on your way. Keep posting it helps and I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed-Thank you for your advise. My inital position on my relationship with WH after D-day was exactly like yours. But It's it better for the kids to maintain an amicable relationship with the WS, so the divorce won't affect them as much? My kids are 6 & 9. that is what I understand in what I've read regarding divorce and the effect on children. See, I'm trying to minimize their suffering.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jul 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But It's it better for the kids to maintain an amicable relationship with the WS, so the divorce won't affect them as much? My kids are 6 & 9. that is what I understand in what I've read regarding divorce and the effect on children. See, I'm trying to minimize their suffering.
Don't get me wrong, I am amicable with my XWW. I just don't deal with her unless I have to. I don't sit with her at school functions or kids activities. We don't do lunches together or family activities. Remember each of us takes our own path out of this though so there is nothing saying you must do it the way I did it or a certain way at all. Do what works for you and what you are comfortable with.

Divorce does have an impact on kids. I personally try to keep things the same for them since I stayed in the marital home. I also told my kids that they can talk to me about anythgin at any time. I tell them age approriate truth if they ask questions about why we Divorced as well. I want them to know that even if they don't like the answer I will alwyas tell them the truth. My son has been in counseling for almost a year now. He doesn't go as frequently as he used to but he still goes. IMO, kids mirror what they see so I try to provide the best environment for them that I can when they are with me. If I am okay then they will be okay.

Are you and your WH still living together? before we separated I kept the peace while she was still in the house. I did the 180 while she was there but once she was gone I cut off all contact unless it was kids and finances. It is different when they are still in the house.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he is not living at home anymore. I've been pondering on taking my oldest (9) to counseling, but not sure if I should. He is sad and confused, he's told me. My thought is to wait and see how he reacts to this new way of life. If I see he is having trouble adapting, then I will take him. I don't see any effect on my younger (6) yet.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jul 2014
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello hopefulmom...welcome to our little corner of si

waving wildly at laura and allgood...so so good to see you both...and yet sad....sad that neither of you are just stoppin by, that you are both still having struggles...


hopefulmom..i am with you, the more amicalbe parents can be the better for the child(ren)......

i had told this story once before...one of my best friends was a bs...her husband told her while she was in the early stages of pregnancy that he no longer loved her and wasnt sure he ever did....they had already had 2 kids and this was #3....

anyways...he left her, planned it and told her about it...when the baby was born and about 3 months old...and as hurt as she was, she made every effort to remain friendly....as much as he was still an idiot saying and doing stupid insensitive things, she still made every effort, and she made much more of an effort then he ever did....

after a while it got easier...they both have moved on...their kids are the most well adjusted, bright human beings....due to her effort her kids have dones wonderfully...don't get me wrong here...no one is perfect here....they see their dad for who he is...and while some parts of who he is is not accessible...he still managed to be a really great dad....ever present in his kids life....

i was so impressed with how well they co-parented....that i named both of them legal guardians to my kids should me and my ws die....


after having said all that....i wish i could be all that she was...or even half....i have tried but i still harbor to much anger...although i am finally letting go of it...but for me and my kids there is too much damage at this point...and 2 out 3 of my kids are not and have not been speaking to me...the irony of course never escapes me...

i have lost so much...but yet i am still very blessed...i have an amazing support system, and i have fun with my friends...i have a decent job, while i do not love my boss, she is a hard ass....i cannot beat my hours, and i cannot beat my commute and i have health benefits...

so i have learned to detach from as much as i can, count my blessings and to stlil be as appreciative of all i do have....of course i still have my moments of intense anger...and yes sometimes those moments last longer then i would like...but i know that once the divorce goes thru all wll get easier...


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((miracle)))))


Married 32yrs Me BW 58Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2761 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((iwam)))

It has been my experience that the anger and resentment melts away much more quickly when you can separate from your spouse. This happened for me when I moved out in 2010, and again when stbx moved out 2 weeks ago. There was some acute sadness and stress for a few days leading up to the separation and after, but both times I quickly began to find my own stride in life.

....i wish i could be all that she was...or even half....

none of us knows the truth of what goes on in another person’s life and mind. I am confident that you have been the best iwam that anyone could have been.

hopefulmom44

I've been pondering on taking my oldest (9) to counseling, but not sure if I should.

My IC has often commented that one does not need to be in crisis to benefit from some counseling and clarification. I believe him in this.

Speaking of kids, my DS18 drove up to visit with DS22 this weekend. I think that this will be good for both of them to bond and share thoughts about the D. Wow, DS22. I guess they really are not kids anymore.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4162 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats said:
It has been my experience that the anger and resentment melts away much more quickly when you can separate from your spouse. This happened for me when I moved out in 2010, and again when stbx moved out 2 weeks ago. There was some acute sadness and stress for a few days leading up to the separation and after, but both times I quickly began to find my own stride in life.

I've read this quite a few times in the S/D forum too. So I am taking you all at your word.

WH and I spent the last week on a family vacation, visiting colleges in upstate NY with our oldest son and taking time to swim and hike with the younger ones in between. I thought it would be fine, since we all spent a week at the beach last month with no more difficulty than usual.

It was a nightmare! The first night in a hotel had me triggering all night long, playing mind movies of WH and The Slunt in all of the hotels they visited over the course of 7 years. Swimming in the hotel pool made me remember something she wrote to me about them in a pool in FL. Long drives gave me time to really think about the damage he has done to me, and to our M. And I finally reached the conclusion that "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore."

I don't know if it's permanent leading to D, but I do know I need a break. I need space to breathe. I need to not look at him every night across the dinner table and feel triggers and loss. I need to focus on MY issues, not the issues of the M, not worrying about R. If he is as remorseful as he says, I need to see it in action when the carrot of R is not hanging out there in front of him. I also need to find out if actually being alone is less awful than feeling so alone.

So wish me luck, please. I'll keep you posted on what happens.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Looks like it was a dealbreaker after all

Posts: 395 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((krsplat)))

please keep in mind how new and raw you are....your d-day was not too long ago.....do not make this decision based on the one week...make it based on your entire marriage....and if you opt to still make it, then i say more power to you...if you find you will waver then i say take more time....

when you have a spouse who is not leaving then time is on your side....

if you have a spouse who is not stepping up now, then the odds are he eiher never will or will not until his world has crashed

if you have a spouse who is trying and you are both in counseling, and your spouse is showing true remorse in his actions as well as his words...then give it time

if you have a spouse who has the words and the actions do not match...then likely there is no true remorse...and that will never do, not for peace, not for happiness, not for a marriage that will make you happy

and having kids compounds it all....but remember the kids grow up and leave the nest....kids....sometime we make decisions to stay for them....many of us have found this path to be long, arduous and can actually backfire.....for those that it doesn't backfire on, you will have the peace of mind that you did what you had to do...but then its time for "you"

some of stay because financially they cant leave....a path that is miserable....for all

some leave because they don't want to do the work....and it is work...for BOTH....

some leave because they cannot live with it...and that is fine....not all can....but leaving too soon...you may not really know if you can or will be able to

your marrage can end up as a better marriage...but the loss of the innocent trust does a permament damage...so while the marriage itself may be a better working marriage the feelings are just what they are....and no relationship is perfect, no relatiionship will work without work...it would be a dysfunctional one at best

so i say do not make this decision based on one week...but based on your entire marriage, past, present and future!!! make your decision based on how you would feel 5 years down the line....not on tomorrow or next week..take the path of least regret...we will always have regrets in life, some more then others...its the ability to "see" ahead to all possible outcomes and decide from there, not from "here"....

happy sunday tribe...may you all find peace today and everyday.....i know that peace has become my number one goal....


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat,

It took a great deal of time for me to get to the point where I knew D was the best choice. In retrospect I believe I waited too long and put up with too much, but I do not know how I would have known until after the fact.

Separation both times has removed the drama and resentment and allowed me to start to find my own path. Both times I had been in and continued IC to help me with the detachment and clarification.

iwam gives good advice on waiting till you are sure. I often stated I would stay so long as there was progress from month to month. The problem was when the progress stopped or even backslid and I stayed out of unjustified hope.

I am happy to have gotten to healed, and to be splitting from stbx with a minimum of anger and resentment.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4162 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i met a dear si friend today for brunch and she asked me to post to something we discussed

my friend is in an emotionally abusvive relationship with her ws...and i keep asking her to find out her why and at the same time telling her she needs to leave...

today she tells me that she first needs to figure out her why

well this sent me into a minor tailspin

when you are in an acute sich, the why doesn't matter as much as the what....you need to deal with the what and deal with the why later....she needs to get out of her what (the abusive sich) and deal with the why she felt she needed to stay....why she needed to stay comes secondary...she is an acute sich where she is being emotionally abused and this is a hands down sich....there is no if ands and buts about her sich...she can and will figure out her why later...she needs to deal with her what first and foremost...and the sooner the better....

((((tribe))))

for me...i am still dealing with my new reality....i am estranged from my kids...and there are days that it hurts more then others...and then there are days where i find myself completely detaching for self preservation...

i DO KNOW that for all of them, they are going thru their teen years late....and i am SURE that most of what is now is because of it....and I DO KNOW that because of pfms not being on the same page the sich has escalated to point it never should have gotten to, and worse because of his lack of being on the same page...this will likely continue for quite a while....to a point that i pray is not a point of no return

and while i know that this can and prob will pass....i am jusst not sure how long that will be....and by the time it does pass...i am not so sure that the relationships can be repaired to the point that they could and should have been otherwise....still a loss that boggles my mind....and of course once again the irony never ever escapes me....

and worse it adds more resentment to the ever long list....

i do not want to be like my grandmother...a bitter woman...i know i need to let it go....and i will...i have decided to do so...its the act of really doing it though that seems to be so difficult...and yes I KNOW THAT AFTER PFM AND I SEPARATE AND DIVORCE (mainly no longer living in the same house) this will get better....

and damn this is taking so damned long....once i was ready for it to happen...i wanted it to happen like yesterday!!! LOL

(((tribe)))


ats you sound good...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a great deal of time for me to get to the point where I knew D was the best choice. In retrospect I believe I waited too long and put up with too much, but I do not know how I would have known until after the fact.
^^^This was me as well. It took me 2 years to figure out that my XWW was actually unrermorseful and her A's were in fact a deal breaker for me. Oddly enough the 2 years of hell are what made getting out somewhat easier for me. I KNEW I had done everything possible to try to save the M and I also knew that my XWW had done absolutley nothing to save it. Which lead me to the following:

I also need to find out if actually being alone is less awful than feeling so alone.
^^^I realized I had been alone in the M for YEARS so how bad could phsyically being alone be. (Again that was just me, you make the choice that is best for you.) For me the choice was simple and i've said this before, the fear of the unknown after D was now far less than my fear of staying in my M with a unremorseful WW and continuing to be miserable. I had no choice but to file and get out.


It has been my experience that the anger and resentment melts away much more quickly when you can separate from your spouse. There was some acute sadness and stress for a few days leading up to the separation and after, but both times I quickly began to find my own stride in life.
^^^This was my experience as well. The day she moved out I literally jumped around my house laughing for 30 minutes. I was sort of depressed for a few days but afterwards things got better very quickly. I had just finished 4 months of in-house S so I was already on the fast track to detachment. Any pent up feelings you have or things you suppressed without knowing it come out once you can let your guard down. I had to deal with months of rage and anger. That was the downside of me bottling things up and walking on eggshells for 2 years. I was still on the roller coaster but it leveled out considerably and any downs were me dealing with my own feelings and issues. It's much easier to think things through without your unremorseful spouse around triggering you or just plain pissing you off all the time because they are breathing the same air as you.

and damn this is taking so damned long....once i was ready for it to happen...i wanted it to happen like yesterday!!! LOL
So true! I thought the few months I had of in-house S was long UNTIL I had to endure the 1 year waiting period before my D could be finalized. Seriously this has been the LONGEST year ever.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad34, it sounds like we were married to twins! For 6 years my H:

Texted her every day, several times a day

Skyped her on Saturday mornings while I slept, where they touched themselves

Told her all of his news and now can't remember whom he told what. Sad thing is I realize it was never me! He had completely shut me out - for 6 years (and I thought it was because of his stressful job)

Took a job with LOTS of travel to be with her as much as possible (she lives in one of the states he travels to on business)

Lied to me so many times about business trips that weren't really business trips - he was seeing and staying with her

Sent her flowers every Valentine's Day (btw, Dday was this past Valentine's Day)

Pretended he could not make love with me after his business travels once because he had "beat off if the shower that morning". Right....

Gave me an STD that he swore was not an STD because he was so faithful to me and would never cheat (this was 3 years into their 6-year A)

Texted her all night during some of our dates, texted her during our family vacations, etc.

In short, I want those 6 years back - every second of them! They mean nothing to me now. They are poisoned by what he did. My sons' graduations and all their HS activities we attended together, all those dates and trips we took - poison!

He is now extremely remorseful and wants to make it up to me. Believe me, I will let him. Until the day I die, I will let him make this all up to me. I'm not bitter, am I? :(

The truth is that I still love him and even desire him. God help me! I have forgiven him, but the pain. Oooooo, the pain. It is unrelenting. I have not had a good night's sleep in 5 months - nightmare of them EVERY night! Please tell me this will stop. I am beginning to look like the walking dead. I am so tired!

Phew! That felt good. Thanks so much for being there!! And for this chain on LTA's....


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((needfriends))))

welcome to our little corner of si....

cut yourself some slack hon...you are only 5 months in...and i am sorry to say that no matter which path you choose your journey through this much is somewhat long...

yes let the man make it up to you...although there really is no way to make it up, make it right or even the score...but he CAN earn his way back....and that is what he MUST DO for you....

you will need to KNOW really KNOW that he gets it, gets it all, and you will need to KNOW really KNOW that his remorse is genuine.....and he will need to SHOW you really SHOW you all the changes he is making and continues to make...the words needs to match the deeds

now..to you....take care of yourself..find things that feed your soul

take refuge in that you are not alone..there are unnfortuantely way way too many of bs's....

take refuge in that your part in your past is TRUE and HONEST.....FOR YOU, it was exactly as you believed it to be...i really believe we give the ws way too much power on this topic...we all feel as though our lives were lies...well for them it was, for us it was what we believed....now of course we "see" so much we never did before...or we didn't connect all the dots...the neverending dots.......it took me a long time and i have t admit, i am still working on it....but my part in my marriage was honest and true.....and I KNOW WHO I WAS.....i didn't really know who he was...and honestly i still don't....but i DO KNOW WHO I WAS AND WHO I AM!!!!


you will get through this....one day at a time...and there will be days that you will need to take it minute by minute....and it WILL get better as long as YOU decided that what you want...and its work....no magic dust here...damn...i wish there was.....but no magic dust...lots of soul searching....find your soul and you will find your heart!! feed your soul and you will feed and mend your heart....

small warning .....they do call this journey a rollercoaster....so be warry for lots of ups and downs....


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading a lot of your comments lately and I find them all very interesting. I think we all go thru this awful journey and grow to be better people.

I sometimes think the only way to deal with these cheaters is the "shock and awe" campaign. I think we should have all thrown them out with the trash when we first found out. I know I have been thru several ddays, all of which hurt me enormously. I sometimes wonder if I had just thrown him out the first time , would I be in a better place today?

In himdsigjt, he CHOSE to violate the sacredness of marriage, so why shouldn't I have thrown him out? If these cheaters want back in the marriage, they should earn their way back. If they chose to not try to earn their way back, maybe it's good riddance!

Needfriendshere- I am like you in wanting the time and special occassions back that my husband cheated on me. I resent that while I sat with my dying father, he was probably enjoying a business trip where he met her or was face booking her. I resent that a special trip to the Dominican was ruined by his contact with her b4 and after our trip, 3 years of enjoying my children as a family instead of a war zone, the times I thought we were working on repairing the marriage are like poison to me too. These are days he wasn't really here!

I have so much anger and resentment at this point that I don't know if our marriage can be fixed. He says he's doing all he can do. To me, it's just not enough. I don't know what can make it right anymore. I just can't find it on my heart to open myself up back to him. I guess he really hasn't earned it. How do I know if this is a permanent feeling and I should just get the divorce over with? I think I have been pretty honest with my husband. I tell him I want to see true remorse from him and he calls it "pounds of flesh". I have told him specific things I want to genuinely hear from him I want him to say that he'd never do it again, it wasn't worth it, I am sorry I did it.while your dad was dying, etc. I do have a list, is it unreasonable? I think if he felt true remorse he would say them easily.it was easy for him to lie, that's for sure!

I don't know, I just know this sucks! I can't help but wonder where I would be if I had just put him out with the trash!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 171 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading a lot of your comments lately and I find them all very interesting. I think we all go thru this awful journey and grow to be better people.

I sometimes think the only way to deal with these cheaters is the "shock and awe" campaign. I think we should have all thrown them out with the trash when we first found out. I know I have been thru several ddays, all of which hurt me enormously. I sometimes wonder if I had just thrown him out the first time , would I be in a better place today?

In himdsigjt, he CHOSE to violate the sacredness of marriage, so why shouldn't I have thrown him out? If these cheaters want back in the marriage, they should earn their way back. If they chose to not try to earn their way back, maybe it's good riddance!

Needfriendshere- I am like you in wanting the time and special occassions back that my husband cheated on me. I resent that while I sat with my dying father, he was probably enjoying a business trip where he met her or was face booking her. I resent that a special trip to the Dominican was ruined by his contact with her b4 and after our trip, 3 years of enjoying my children as a family instead of a war zone, the times I thought we were working on repairing the marriage are like poison to me too. These are days he wasn't really here!

I have so much anger and resentment at this point that I don't know if our marriage can be fixed. He says he's doing all he can do. To me, it's just not enough. I don't know what can make it right anymore. I just can't find it on my heart to open myself up back to him. I guess he really hasn't earned it. How do I know if this is a permanent feeling and I should just get the divorce over with? I think I have been pretty honest with my husband. I tell him I want to see true remorse from him and he calls it "pounds of flesh". I have told him specific things I want to genuinely hear from him I want him to say that he'd never do it again, it wasn't worth it, I am sorry I did it.while your dad was dying, etc. I do have a list, is it unreasonable? I think if he felt true remorse he would say them easily.it was easy for him to lie, that's for sure!

I don't know, I just know this sucks! I can't help but wonder where I would be if I had just put him out with the trash!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 171 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gott2know)))

do not have much time...gotta go to work
imo...6 months is a good starting point...6 months to "see" if your ws steps up.....your ws needs to be given a list of new requirements..(s)he either meets them all or doesn't....imo...your list needs to be based in reality, and needs to includes what you need to move on from this terrible place....for me ALL the items on the list needed to be met...not a pick and choose list.....and after 6 months if the ws is not meeting this list, then likely they never will...or not until they are faced with the marriage ending..and i mean ending...not just the empty threats but the actions taking place

gott2know...you have been at this for 3 years....and if you have not been able to find peace with the actions or inactions of your ws......then this is definitely food for thought.....maybe it is time for you to end the marriage.....only YOU can decide what is best.....and if he is not goin anywhere....take the time..come up with your definitivee list...give it to him...and "see" if he steps up

as for getting back the past....not possible....so give him the reigns for the present and see if he steers to a future for both of you or a future that will mean an ending.....

imo...life is too short to let the ws continue indefinitely without stepping up in ALL ways....

i like 6 months...for me its time for you to get it together and decide.....if you cannot come to decision in the 6 months then give yourself a bit more time...but if it really takes longer then that...like your a year out and your ws is picking and choosing what (s)he thinks needs to be done and not doing what you speciify...then imo...your ws never will...which means you will never find happiness and peace with the sich.....

if your ws steps in every way.....then you need to give it more time....becuse its a long long ass haul to get to the happy peace place..

gotta run


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


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