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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle, thanks for the encouragement and advice! You did make me think - about those 6 years. My H may have been a complete dick during that time, but I had my 2 beautiful boys with me and that counts for something, doesn't it? My H may have run off to be with her every time I took my youngest son to visit a prospective college or to a baseball recruiting session, but I was with him and that was a good thing. And he may have deferred all the duties of dealing with my oldest son's personal demons to me, but that only served to give my son and I a closeness that I wouldn't trade for anything.

But like Gotta2know, some of the things I realize I went through alone really tick me off. My brother died of pancreatic cancer and my H actually accused me of being too wrapped up in it and taking too long to get over it! And he BEGAN his PA the week before I found out I had breast cancer. Did he call it off then and tell the OW, "You know. My wife really needs me now. I'm sorry. This was a big mistake..." No! He kept it going for 6 years!! I have to ask myself sometimes, is someone who is capable of such behavior really able to change?

I am learning that the answer is actually YES. But like Iwantamiracle said, they need to show it with their actions and their words. Thankfully, my H is doing that now. He really is. He has cried almost as many tears as I have lately at the hurt he put me through.

The OW wants him back and has been sending me a series of extremely painful texts, revealing all the gory details of their A. As I read them and weep, so does he. And I believe him when he says he has no positive feelings for her now - especially after seeing how cruel she has become. She is also threatening to spend the rest of her life destroying my H's life for what he did to her by "just dumping her" when I found out. Since she has begun her campaign against him, we keep waiting (together) for the next shoe to drop. Her actions stay just above the law, so the police can do nothing (yet) to help us. A person can send texts and make calls - it's not illegal. Anyway, I digress...

The point is that, not only did my H and I reignite passion that was, for all intents and purposes, long gone, but we are now united in our efforts to deflect the fiery darts the OW throws our way. In a weird, weird way, this has drawn us even closer together. He sees my pain: I see his extreme remorse. I actually could not completely forgive him until I knew exactly what I was forgiving (that's just me). The OW helped me - in a sick, sick way - to be able to do that.

Since Dday (and especially since all good feelings for her died), my H has been more than kind to me - he has been sincerely loving and attentive. He remembers why we fell in love in the first place. And we are having fun together again.

I hope what I am sharing gives hope to some of you out there. You are right - all of you - the road to R is a roller coaster with steep climbs and terrible falls. But I am committed to stay on the ride. I love my H - always have, always will...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am one of those who wanted to know WHY I couldn't move on. What was wrong with me? I should be faking it until I make it. I just couldn't seem to get going. I couldn't seem to let go.

I found this article about NPD/psychopaths(sociopaths) and it was so revealing to me and I felt it was talking about me. I think the prayers that I have been asking for have been answered and this will help me move forward:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/archive/index.php/t-748

Love to all the tribe


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((honest))))

congrats honest...i read that article...and i actually could see you in all but the last example....but...and its a big BUT...that last example was close at hand...but thank god it was not you...you never did surrender your soul...but dear heart...i am sure you were close

so now you have your why!!!! you have your what!!! so what are you going to do about it dear heart???


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW wants him back and has been sending me a series of extremely painful texts, revealing all the gory details of their A. As I read them and weep, so does he.

NeedFriends: Please stop reading these. Really. All they are going to do is hurt you and haunt you and make it more difficult down the road for to ever let go of your pain. I know this because I read all of the email that me OW sent me, and wish I hadn't. She's trying to hurt you and it sounds like she is succeeding.

Put down the cell phone and back away!

[This message edited by krsplat at 6:51 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is also threatening to spend the rest of her life destroying my H's life for what he did to her by "just dumping her" when I found out.

Ours is too! Apparently -- despite being in a lie-based A for 7 years -- OW was surprised and hurt that WH would dare to lie to her. He said he loved her and made promises, after all! Additionally, she was upset to learn that he "cheated on her" by engaging in multiple other As during their LTA.

I guess the Cheater's Handbook says that slunts are entitled to better treatment than wives?


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's amazing what the OP expects out of a cheating spouse! Duh, they're married! They need to remember that the cheating spouses go home to their spouses, spend holidays and important dates with their spouses. The cheating spouse is pretty much unavailable unless they have a selfish need to be met by the OP. then they go home!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 171 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, they go home, but they don't really want to. They go home to their horrible BS, who they don't have sex with anymore and don't really like much, but they have to stick it out for the kids. . . blah, blah, blah. The OW was shocked to find out that things were not exactly as my FWH had betrayed them in our M. She was outraged that we were still having sex (FWH told her we had stopped a year before). How could he do that to her?!? She could not believe that he would lie to her like that. Stupid.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Aug 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she was upset to learn that he "cheated on her" by engaging in multiple other As during their LTA.
So my XWW was an AP to a married coworker. She did the same damn thing. The first time I saw actual pain and true sadness from her after Dday was when she came home after realizing her AP ahd been fucking other women in the office. I literally laughed in her face when she told me that. I mean the lying cheater was "cheating" on you. WTF did you think was going to happen, you would both ride off into the sunset together. She literally cried about him "cheating" on her. Some of the most pathetic stuff I had seen prior to filing for D. But reality is skewed inside an AP or unremoresful WS's mind so who knows what they are thinking.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopingforhappy, the WS's have to tell their AP's how awful their marriages supposedly are to justify what they are doing - for both parties involved. And it's sick and stupid. My H's AP imagines that my H and I never make love - if she only knew! They also imagine that we are nagging, nagging, nagging our poor dear H's all the time, when in reality, our H's are so caught up with them that they don't give us the time to nag if we wanted to. It's all smoke and mirrors. And somewhere deep inside they have to know that they are deluding themselves.

My H realized it as soon as I discovered his A and he realized he could lose me. The OW, on the other hand, is still living in La La Land.

Krsplat, you are so very right. I have stopped reading her "love letters" to me. They were killing me and setting my H and I back about 10 steps with our R each time I did. As for her promise to destroy my H's life, she is trying to do so through some vicious means - contacting other people in our lives, etc! Why can't she just GET A LIFE!!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Success comes in all shapes and colors. You can be successful in your job and career but you can equally be successful in your marriage or any relationship. Whatever success you are after, there is one thing all radically successful people have in common....

Their ferocious drive and hunger for success makes them never give up.

The pain from LTA can only be a "blip" in life.. Make is so.. Seek your happiness and you will find it.

You talk it out.. You understand it... when you figure it out, you forgive yourself and others.. understand the true meaning of forgiving and this begins with a choice, then your own actions, what you say, what you do, how you behave.. Nobody treads on you.. no more enabling.. and you can handle any pain from the consequences you must apply that will keep you on a good path.. take a risk with courage.. free yourself from those who bring you down and be with those you build you up.. and you decide to build others up.. learn how to conflict.. reset someone to safety once you take your stand... you are only human who can and does make mistake.. fix those.. and do not attempt to fix others because you cannot, it is not your decision to make.. Be more open with good filters and try your best to behave and be a person others can be most open to you, no matter the pain... recognize your feelings, get in touch with them, control them.. thoughts come before feelings.. You control your thoughts before those feelings come. Find good refuges and avoid bad refuges.. helping others is a good refuge.. Be quality to the best of your ability and no matter how good you think you are at it you can always be better. Be a fun person.. find fun people..

Our spouse can see they are on this earth to join US in our happy lives.. Or not. Thier choice, not ours.. we are going to live in quality and in happiness... and if they don't want to join us, love us, they are NOT worthy of US. And I know bad things happen.. it is part of everyone's lives.. we eventually all face it.. Get attitude.. I can feel pain and know, it is part of life.. but I have strength in adversity. I know if I keep loving.. love always hope, love always endures.. it is the end all.. I make that choice to love because when you do.. good feeling always follow..

Congratulations ATS!

Peace

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:12 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tryn.

Movers were here this morning to get stbx's big items. For the first time there are glaring empty places in the house where a piece of furniture was, art was hanging, or a closet now empty.

She was here last night packing and this morning for the move. We chatted and talked while she was here, and now I am feeling sad again. I know that this is the right decision, friends have called to check on me and they support D as the right decision, but it is so easy to see the W I wanted.

Next step is the paperwork. We both are interviewing an attorney or two to pick one to help us with the more complicated part of our dissolution.

Hi honest, a very powerful link you posted. I was especially struck by this passage:

These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, ...snip...‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’

I think I actually said these phrases in the years after dday. I was much too much feeling empathy and not taking care of myself.

ETA: I spent the weekend re-arranging furniture items to fill in the gaps and change the layout of the affected rooms. I have a punch list of holes in walls from picture hangers and other wall patching and painting to work on. Vacuumed and shampooed all the carpet while rearranging, I will need to try some stain remover for spots where she spilled make-up and tea, or her dog peed.

I heard from stbx (and her DD) that it was a tough couple of days for her too. I am glad there is some feeling; she seems so OK and “full steam ahead” with the D.

Today is the 24th anniversary of our M. I am grieving the M today.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:13 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized today that an odd and very emotional phone call I got from a woman friend of a male acquaintance of ours some 16 years ago or so was likely a betrayed girlfriend trying to out my W as an OW to this woman’s BF (our acquaintance). Just the night before she called I had met her when we were all together at an activity. I blew the call off at the time thinking she was drunk or nuts.

stbx had one OM I know of with her xH, was flirty, and had 4 OM that I know of in our M. It makes sense, and I always suspected that there would be more over a 24 year M.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will need to try some stain remover for spots where she spilled make-up and tea, or her dog peed
^^^ This pissed me off so much once XWW left. All the stains that i somehow never noticed before were now practically screaming "LOOK AT ME!". Especially the dog stains from her dog. The dog she had to have but never properly trained. It gave me an excuse to tear up some carpet and put down hardwood flooring. Best of all, the dog went to town all over her precious brand new house and carpet when she moved out. Kids say the dog stayed in the laundry room for a few months until she finally trained it.

I'm slowly renovating and painting the entire house. Since I can't sell, I am gutting and remodeling whenever the mood strikes me.


The pain from LTA can only be a "blip" in life.. Make is so.. Seek your happiness and you will find it.
^^^This is true. It's just that while you are in that pain all sense of scope, perspective and scale are gone. The last few years of my life were HORRIBLE but now that I am over the hump it IS easier to put things in perspective. If I am lucky I have a good 50 to 60 years left of life. What is 3 years compared to that not to mention life was pretty good prior to getting married. Navigating the dating world is fun, interesting, and frustrating at the same time but whenever I start to feel down I just think about life with XWW. I could still be stuck with my unremorseful WS but I am not so I personally have nothing to complain about. My happiness is truly up to me now. I don't need or want much. I can appreciate the little things again now that the chaos is gone.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"For the first time there are glaring empty places in the house where a piece of furniture was, art was hanging, or a closet now empty"

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"For the first time there are glaring empty places in the house where a piece of furniture was, art was hanging, or a closet now empty."

atsenaotie-The feeling after a WS moved out was awful. The first time I went back home after my WH moved all his things out of the house, I felt empty inside, hopeless and realized that this was it. There was no turning back. The sadness and anger was overwhelming. Nothing that anyone said helped me or console me.

I felt lost and still feel lost. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and start our marriage all over again. When I think like this, I feel worthless and helpless. I am trying to be strong and block out all the happy times, but it is hard to do. Honestly, I know I have to work on myself, but I don't even know where to start. I am trying to 180 to detach and it's helping, but not fast enough.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I belong in this forum, Ex had a 5 year affair, never could figure out if it was an on again off again or taken underground every year, but I don't think it matters much anymore.

The day of the divorce, he moved out into an apartment, the next weekend all of my girlfriends came over and helped me clean. It was great and I had a glorious 3 weeks all to myself and daughter. My son who is an adult would come over and see us as well.

The ex then got evicted from his apartment and I felt bad for him (he is an alcoholic). I let him stay with us for a short time and told him it was time for him to go. He kept putting it off, he had nowhere to live blah blah blah. I knew I did not want him in my house over Valentine's Day so the week before I again told him he needed to find somewhere else to live. Then I took a day off of work, gave him enough money to move a few states away back in with his parents and helped him pack. It got so much easier after that.

This year, I sold the house, moved into an apartment with my daughter, my son totaled my car,he was ok thankfully, so I bought a brand new car. When I moved into the apartment I realized that a California King bed would not fit, so got rid of it and bought a new one.

I am truly content now. There are very few reminders of my ex now, I do not have to worry about visitation and I knew when I got the divorce to never expect child support. If I get it great, if not then I am ok with that too.

It took a long time to get here, but I am making it now and it is good and keeps getting better. I know that if I had let him stay/stayed with him, he would have continued seeing her and lying to me. It was killing my self esteem and pride to keep living that life hoping and waiting for him to see what was in front of him, now knowing that he could not.


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Wastedtime-Welcome to this space within SI. I'm glad that you are able to move on. My dday was in May so I am still pretty raw. I'm so sorry that your DD will not be able to visit with your WH. I don't know how attached she was to him. My WH also had a 5 year affair, 4 yrs confirmed for sure. I still can't wrap my head around why he had an affair for that long? Why only her and not have affaris with other women like stories I read here? Did he really love her? I think about these questions often. However, I try to stop myself most of the time. My questions will never be answered So why torture myself thinking about details. Maybe because I think this will be a way to put closure to this mess. I have to find closure in some other ways.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all - its been awhile since I have posted. Things have been going pretty well lately. We recently had a 2 week vacation that was a great get away. During the vacation we had to drive through the city where OM1 now lives - it is several states away from us. I have never met this guy and don't know what he looks like. It was at the end of our trip and I had a bit of anxiety when we planned out the trip about having to go that route. However being able to do it and resist the urge to go visit his house and beat the crap out of him was empowering for some reason.

ATS - I know things are still difficult for you but I am so glad to hear that you are taking steps to rid yourself of your unremorseful WW. I feel that when you are through the whole process things will be so much better for you. I wish you strength to get through all of this.

Welcome to the newer members of the club - Wastedtime sounds like you are a strong veteran that definately belongs in the LTA forum. Hopefullmom44 - this early time after DDay is so hard, it will get easier.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefulmom,

My daughter was 6 when he started drinking hard, 7 when he started going through 1/5 of vodka daily so she really did not interact with him alot. When he was home he was drunk or passed out, other times he just did not come home.

I used to wonder why I found that biches number every year, now it really does not matter. They are no longer my problem. It just takes time and work to get there.

my daughter does see her father for a few weeks in the summer as she has grandparents there.

closure I am coming to find out is something you give to yourself. I will never have answers and I will never ask questions again. Even if I did, I would never believe what he would/could say. The man learned to lie at will quite easily.

[This message edited by WastedTime12 at 7:06 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wasted time...your last post was spot on...yes most of us need to give ourselves the closure we seem to need....

at one time i thought i would go crazy without the answers, the truthful answers to my unending questions...and then i realized, really realized in my head and in my heart...it doesn't matter, all my questions no longer matter...if we were reconciling it would be a different matter, but we aren't so it just doesn't matter anymore......i needed to free myself i needed peace and only i could give that to myself...

i would and could never find peace keeping it all alive, i needed to move on for my own peace of mind and more importantly for my sanity...

i still struggle with the moving on part...i hope and believe that once we are no longer living in the same house and the divorce goes through i will have my final closure and ending so that i begin anew.....

my losses sometimes overwhelm me....most especially the relationships with my kids....but i i cannot go back, i could only live in the present and plan for the future


ats: i am so sorry...it all just sucks...you are a good man and you will find happiness or contentment in your life again, of that i am sure...even though i believe a small part of you will always have that little pang for mrs ats....she truly is and will likely always be that wounded child...

waving to the oldies....


peace to all of us

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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