But like Gotta2know, some of the things I realize I went through alone really tick me off. My brother died of pancreatic cancer and my H actually accused me of being too wrapped up in it and taking too long to get over it! And he BEGAN his PA the week before I found out I had breast cancer. Did he call it off then and tell the OW, "You know. My wife really needs me now. I'm sorry. This was a big mistake..." No! He kept it going for 6 years!! I have to ask myself sometimes, is someone who is capable of such behavior really able to change?
I am learning that the answer is actually YES. But like Iwantamiracle said, they need to show it with their actions and their words. Thankfully, my H is doing that now. He really is. He has cried almost as many tears as I have lately at the hurt he put me through.
The OW wants him back and has been sending me a series of extremely painful texts, revealing all the gory details of their A. As I read them and weep, so does he. And I believe him when he says he has no positive feelings for her now - especially after seeing how cruel she has become. She is also threatening to spend the rest of her life destroying my H's life for what he did to her by "just dumping her" when I found out. Since she has begun her campaign against him, we keep waiting (together) for the next shoe to drop. Her actions stay just above the law, so the police can do nothing (yet) to help us. A person can send texts and make calls - it's not illegal. Anyway, I digress...
The point is that, not only did my H and I reignite passion that was, for all intents and purposes, long gone, but we are now united in our efforts to deflect the fiery darts the OW throws our way. In a weird, weird way, this has drawn us even closer together. He sees my pain: I see his extreme remorse. I actually could not completely forgive him until I knew exactly what I was forgiving (that's just me). The OW helped me - in a sick, sick way - to be able to do that.
Since Dday (and especially since all good feelings for her died), my H has been more than kind to me - he has been sincerely loving and attentive. He remembers why we fell in love in the first place. And we are having fun together again.
I hope what I am sharing gives hope to some of you out there. You are right - all of you - the road to R is a roller coaster with steep climbs and terrible falls. But I am committed to stay on the ride. I love my H - always have, always will...
I found this article about NPD/psychopaths(sociopaths) and it was so revealing to me and I felt it was talking about me. I think the prayers that I have been asking for have been answered and this will help me move forward:
Love to all the tribe
congrats honest...i read that article...and i actually could see you in all but the last example....but...and its a big BUT...that last example was close at hand...but thank god it was not you...you never did surrender your soul...but dear heart...i am sure you were close
so now you have your why!!!! you have your what!!! so what are you going to do about it dear heart???
The OW wants him back and has been sending me a series of extremely painful texts, revealing all the gory details of their A. As I read them and weep, so does he.
NeedFriends: Please stop reading these. Really. All they are going to do is hurt you and haunt you and make it more difficult down the road for to ever let go of your pain. I know this because I read all of the email that me OW sent me, and wish I hadn't. She's trying to hurt you and it sounds like she is succeeding.
Put down the cell phone and back away!
[This message edited by krsplat at 6:51 AM, July 25th (Friday)]
She is also threatening to spend the rest of her life destroying my H's life for what he did to her by "just dumping her" when I found out.
Ours is too! Apparently -- despite being in a lie-based A for 7 years -- OW was surprised and hurt that WH would dare to lie to her. He said he loved her and made promises, after all! Additionally, she was upset to learn that he "cheated on her" by engaging in multiple other As during their LTA.
I guess the Cheater's Handbook says that slunts are entitled to better treatment than wives?
she was upset to learn that he "cheated on her" by engaging in multiple other As during their LTA.
My H realized it as soon as I discovered his A and he realized he could lose me. The OW, on the other hand, is still living in La La Land.
Krsplat, you are so very right. I have stopped reading her "love letters" to me. They were killing me and setting my H and I back about 10 steps with our R each time I did. As for her promise to destroy my H's life, she is trying to do so through some vicious means - contacting other people in our lives, etc! Why can't she just GET A LIFE!!!
Their ferocious drive and hunger for success makes them never give up.
The pain from LTA can only be a "blip" in life.. Make is so.. Seek your happiness and you will find it.
You talk it out.. You understand it... when you figure it out, you forgive yourself and others.. understand the true meaning of forgiving and this begins with a choice, then your own actions, what you say, what you do, how you behave.. Nobody treads on you.. no more enabling.. and you can handle any pain from the consequences you must apply that will keep you on a good path.. take a risk with courage.. free yourself from those who bring you down and be with those you build you up.. and you decide to build others up.. learn how to conflict.. reset someone to safety once you take your stand... you are only human who can and does make mistake.. fix those.. and do not attempt to fix others because you cannot, it is not your decision to make.. Be more open with good filters and try your best to behave and be a person others can be most open to you, no matter the pain... recognize your feelings, get in touch with them, control them.. thoughts come before feelings.. You control your thoughts before those feelings come. Find good refuges and avoid bad refuges.. helping others is a good refuge.. Be quality to the best of your ability and no matter how good you think you are at it you can always be better. Be a fun person.. find fun people..
Our spouse can see they are on this earth to join US in our happy lives.. Or not. Thier choice, not ours.. we are going to live in quality and in happiness... and if they don't want to join us, love us, they are NOT worthy of US. And I know bad things happen.. it is part of everyone's lives.. we eventually all face it.. Get attitude.. I can feel pain and know, it is part of life.. but I have strength in adversity. I know if I keep loving.. love always hope, love always endures.. it is the end all.. I make that choice to love because when you do.. good feeling always follow..
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:12 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]
Movers were here this morning to get stbx's big items. For the first time there are glaring empty places in the house where a piece of furniture was, art was hanging, or a closet now empty.
She was here last night packing and this morning for the move. We chatted and talked while she was here, and now I am feeling sad again. I know that this is the right decision, friends have called to check on me and they support D as the right decision, but it is so easy to see the W I wanted.
Next step is the paperwork. We both are interviewing an attorney or two to pick one to help us with the more complicated part of our dissolution.
Hi honest, a very powerful link you posted. I was especially struck by this passage:
These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, ...snip...‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’
ETA: I spent the weekend re-arranging furniture items to fill in the gaps and change the layout of the affected rooms. I have a punch list of holes in walls from picture hangers and other wall patching and painting to work on. Vacuumed and shampooed all the carpet while rearranging, I will need to try some stain remover for spots where she spilled make-up and tea, or her dog peed.
I heard from stbx (and her DD) that it was a tough couple of days for her too. I am glad there is some feeling; she seems so OK and “full steam ahead” with the D.
Today is the 24th anniversary of our M. I am grieving the M today.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:13 AM, July 28th (Monday)]
stbx had one OM I know of with her xH, was flirty, and had 4 OM that I know of in our M. It makes sense, and I always suspected that there would be more over a 24 year M.
I will need to try some stain remover for spots where she spilled make-up and tea, or her dog peed
I'm slowly renovating and painting the entire house. Since I can't sell, I am gutting and remodeling whenever the mood strikes me.
The pain from LTA can only be a "blip" in life.. Make is so.. Seek your happiness and you will find it.
atsenaotie-The feeling after a WS moved out was awful. The first time I went back home after my WH moved all his things out of the house, I felt empty inside, hopeless and realized that this was it. There was no turning back. The sadness and anger was overwhelming. Nothing that anyone said helped me or console me.
I felt lost and still feel lost. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and start our marriage all over again. When I think like this, I feel worthless and helpless. I am trying to be strong and block out all the happy times, but it is hard to do. Honestly, I know I have to work on myself, but I don't even know where to start. I am trying to 180 to detach and it's helping, but not fast enough.
The day of the divorce, he moved out into an apartment, the next weekend all of my girlfriends came over and helped me clean. It was great and I had a glorious 3 weeks all to myself and daughter. My son who is an adult would come over and see us as well.
The ex then got evicted from his apartment and I felt bad for him (he is an alcoholic). I let him stay with us for a short time and told him it was time for him to go. He kept putting it off, he had nowhere to live blah blah blah. I knew I did not want him in my house over Valentine's Day so the week before I again told him he needed to find somewhere else to live. Then I took a day off of work, gave him enough money to move a few states away back in with his parents and helped him pack. It got so much easier after that.
This year, I sold the house, moved into an apartment with my daughter, my son totaled my car,he was ok thankfully, so I bought a brand new car. When I moved into the apartment I realized that a California King bed would not fit, so got rid of it and bought a new one.
I am truly content now. There are very few reminders of my ex now, I do not have to worry about visitation and I knew when I got the divorce to never expect child support. If I get it great, if not then I am ok with that too.
It took a long time to get here, but I am making it now and it is good and keeps getting better. I know that if I had let him stay/stayed with him, he would have continued seeing her and lying to me. It was killing my self esteem and pride to keep living that life hoping and waiting for him to see what was in front of him, now knowing that he could not.
In his quest for freedom, he set me free!
ATS - I know things are still difficult for you but I am so glad to hear that you are taking steps to rid yourself of your unremorseful WW. I feel that when you are through the whole process things will be so much better for you. I wish you strength to get through all of this.
Welcome to the newer members of the club - Wastedtime sounds like you are a strong veteran that definately belongs in the LTA forum. Hopefullmom44 - this early time after DDay is so hard, it will get easier.
My daughter was 6 when he started drinking hard, 7 when he started going through 1/5 of vodka daily so she really did not interact with him alot. When he was home he was drunk or passed out, other times he just did not come home.
I used to wonder why I found that biches number every year, now it really does not matter. They are no longer my problem. It just takes time and work to get there.
my daughter does see her father for a few weeks in the summer as she has grandparents there.
closure I am coming to find out is something you give to yourself. I will never have answers and I will never ask questions again. Even if I did, I would never believe what he would/could say. The man learned to lie at will quite easily.
[This message edited by WastedTime12 at 7:06 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
at one time i thought i would go crazy without the answers, the truthful answers to my unending questions...and then i realized, really realized in my head and in my heart...it doesn't matter, all my questions no longer matter...if we were reconciling it would be a different matter, but we aren't so it just doesn't matter anymore......i needed to free myself i needed peace and only i could give that to myself...
i would and could never find peace keeping it all alive, i needed to move on for my own peace of mind and more importantly for my sanity...
i still struggle with the moving on part...i hope and believe that once we are no longer living in the same house and the divorce goes through i will have my final closure and ending so that i begin anew.....
my losses sometimes overwhelm me....most especially the relationships with my kids....but i i cannot go back, i could only live in the present and plan for the future
ats: i am so sorry...it all just sucks...you are a good man and you will find happiness or contentment in your life again, of that i am sure...even though i believe a small part of you will always have that little pang for mrs ats....she truly is and will likely always be that wounded child...
waving to the oldies....
peace to all of us