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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All-

I am extremely upset. This morning I discovered that my WH took my DD (1 yr at that time) to an outting with the OW. This happenned about 4 yrs ago. I saw pics. Eventhough it happenned a long time ago, I can't help to be outraged. Just thinking that they went out as a 'family' together and that she carried and loved on my daughter makes me sick to my stomach.


Posts: 105 | Registered: Jul 2014
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((hopefulmom))))) oh, hon, i am so so sorry...that really sucks and i cannot blame you one iota for being so outraged...i would be too....

i wish i had words to help you through...come here and vent away, it might help...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6054 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well hopefulmom44 sad to say you are not alone in that department

Since my WH got the OW pregnant when I was 4 months pregnant = there are now pics (OW took of course) she was just so happy to send me of their little "play date" from back when my son wasn't even 2

life is so crazy when piecing back a LTA timeline... yah

so anyhow, wanted to post this here as for those that I am sure, like me, have to wonder "who the hell am I married to?" and "is he/she even capable of change?"

from Melanie Tonia Evans free .pdf "How to do No Contact"

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-nocontactwhennarcissistallyabused.htm

When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate, we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways – yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individual’s integrity.
People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence:
 Tell the truth.
 Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms, and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems.
 Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them.
 Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes.
 Have consideration for the other person’s emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs.
 Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.
 Will apologize full-heartedly when they overstep the mark.
 Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable.
 Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better.
 Realize that there is no upside to the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying the other person.
 Want a satisfying, loving, safe and healthy relationship.
 Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly, healthily and directly.

[This message edited by Merida at 5:27 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Skiergirl
♀ New Member
Member # 44338
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out yesterday afternoon that my husband of 20 years has been cheating on me for the last 3. I think I am still in shock. Can't eat or sleep. Trying to keep it together for my kids.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Colorado
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi skiergirl

I am so sorry honey.

SI has a wealth of advice and the people here will provide you with all the basics - which I won't repeat.

Just keep reading. The messages are clear and consistent.

I have become a lurker and rarely post but when I read your post I immediately recalled my own sich over 4 years ago.

I found out my FWH had been having an affair for over a year with a coworker. Like everyone else my world was shattered.

I knew it was happening but didn't know who or for how long in the early days. I didn't tell him I knew.

I kept quiet and kept investigating only to discover that he had had many LTAs for most of our 28 year marriage.

So.... The advice I have is

1. Keep investigating.. I don't want to frighten you unnecessarily but the reality is this OW may not be the first and you have a right to know what you are dealing with.

2. Don't make any decisions now. Take your time. You can leave the M anytime - next month, next year or in 5 years. For now, the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your children.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 58Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really hung up on the number today. Seven years. SEVEN. YEARS. As many people keep "helpfully" pointing out to me, that's not an affair, that's a common law marriage. That's a whole second life, esp considering that he made time for her every stinking day.

Some of you found the LTA to be a deal breaker and are starting fresh. Some of you managed to piece things back together with your WS. In either case, how did you come to terms with The Number?


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Looks like it was a dealbreaker after all

Posts: 395 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest, even though my H and I are in R, I can not come to terms with the number either. For him it was 6 years. And, like you said, that's a whole 2nd life. My H called her EVERY MORNING on the way to work. If she is telling the truth, they texted and "sexted" 24/7 (except when they were asleep). Yes, she lived in another state, but he traveled there on business several times a year - after a while, he was going there just to be with her, with no business purpose at all. She was married but had the means to BUY a love-nest for them in the heart of the city, about 2 hours from her "home". I often wonder if my H didn't contribute to the cost of that place. He swears he didn't, but so many lies keep surfacing through all this - it hasn't even been 6 months.

She can't get over him and a large part of me really gets it. And that's crazy-making. How do you "get over" someone who called you every morning for 6 years and then suddenly dumps you flat because your wife "found out"? Something, by the way, that he swore to her would never happen. How do you get over someone who promised you it would work out between you in the end?

I am actually reading books now about The OW to try to understand her cruelty toward me and to try not to hate her. I think hate is like a poison that consumes one's soul and I am finding it so hard not to hate her.

I have asked my H, maybe a hundred times, "How can you just forget her like that? How can you let someone who was your life for 6 years just go without looking back?" I actually worried that he may be a psychopath.

He tells me that what he had with her was a fantasy - a secret, exciting life that he could escape to when life became too real between us, which it did multiple times during their time together. I got cancer (am 100% fine now by the way), my brother (who was my best friend) died, one of my son's girlfriends committed suicide, helping to plunge him into a severe depression. We had 2 boys applying to college with all the stress that accompanies that. And, with a lot of stress at work, he couldn't take it. So, even though he never stopped loving me, he dumped all the crap in our lives on me while he ran off - with more and more frequency - to his fantasy land with his fantasy "wife".

To her, that's what she was. In a sick way, I believe her when she says she never felt that she was committing adultery. To her, my H was her soul mate, her everything. Yeah, she had an H - who is trying to win her back if you can believe it - so I can't really see how she could say that, but I know why she "felt" it, if that makes any sense.

No I am not excusing her behavior - not for a minute. But I "understand" it. And it makes me look at my H with a lot of confusion. A LOT of it.

Yes, we are happy now - happier than we've been in years. But she won't forget him and she won't stop letting me know that she can't. His 6-year "fantasy" was much more than that to her and I fear it will haunt us for, perhaps, the rest of our lives.

(((Krsplat)))

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 10:46 AM, August 4th (Monday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi krsplat,

The number... first I had to define it. Did the time for each OM start and stop with their first and last kiss or their first and last sexual encounter? Or does the time start when she was in a EA , but not yet PA with the OM? Or does the time include the period when she was flirting with men in general and lowering her boundaries for attention? Maybe the time starts when she started blaming me for her unhappiness, but before she turned to OM as the answer? When she had more than one OM should I double count the time? Then there is the year of TT, the OM I do not know about…

stbx’s affairs and the fallout from the affairs directly touch half of our time M’d, but the reality is that we had a dysfunctional M for most all of our M. I had hoped that stbx would be able to address her issues that lead to her resentment of me (and others) and facilitated the A’s so that we could write a final chapter together to make up for the first chapters, but she could not so the M is ending. When I look back now, all I can account for and take credit or feel shame for is my part of the relationship as a husband, father, and friend. For 24 years I had a mostly OK M and a good life. I share the blame for the length of time this went on because I did not demand to be treated better. I did not take care of my (and my family’s) needs.

Even when stbx was not involved with an OM, she was leading a second life, a life she was not willing or able to share with me. A life that was not authentic. Even our dating period, when she truly adored me, I realize now was not honest or authentic. I wish that I had learned this lesson much earlier in my life, but I am glad to have learned it. I know of people who never learn this lesson and go to their grave at the end of a life that was not authentic for them or the people they knew.

Once you realize and believe that his affair was his affair, I think that it will be easier for you to put it into the proper context in your life.

skiergirl,

Laura’s post has good suggestions. I would add that it is not your job or responsibility to hold it together for the kids. You need to authentically feel and experience what your emotions and thoughts are. If the kids wonder what is up I think it is appropriate to tell them their father did something that hurt you very much. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:29 AM, August 4th (Monday)]


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those wondering if they should D or continue to Not Divorce, here is an unexpected occurrence for me since stbx and I separated and began the D process. My relationships in other parts of my life are blossoming. Part of this is that I am putting more energy into seeking out and establishing or re-establishing friendships, but it is also occurring with my children and family. I really think that I was putting so much energy into worrying about, working on, being upset by my relationship with stbx that it impacted all of my other relationships.

Separating and D-ing sucks financially, and I know it will get worse before it gets better, but other than that I feel my innate happiness and optimism returning.
--Ats


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Atsenaotie))))

I admire your strength. Hang in there!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of you found the LTA to be a deal breaker and are starting fresh. Some of you managed to piece things back together with your WS. In either case, how did you come to terms with The Number?

It takes awhile, but eventually I just accepted it and moved on from it. Even though I have accepted it, it doesn't make it much easy when I look back during that time. Looking at old photos suck and makes me think of that number and what was going on at that time. When that happens I deal with it for a bit and then just move on. I think I just got to the point that life was too short to dwell to long on a number in the past.

Also, it isn't your number that you have to live with. It is your WS number. They have to live with the guilt of what they did for as long as they did it. I don't have any guilt over the number and for that I am thankful.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!

This caught me eye:

...how do you "get over" someone who called you every morning for 6 years and then suddenly dumps you flat because your wife "found out"? Something, by the way, that he swore to her would never happen. How do you get over someone who promised you it would work out between you in the end?
^^^this is one of the only occasions in my 2+ years being here that I have seen a BW look at the OW in a way that was not just blaming her. Wow and congrats.

"Not Just Friends" describes how women get emotionally involved in the affairs, much more so than men. And they do so, not in a vacuum, but because what the WH is telling them, doing for/to them, etc.

I have always found it annoying when BWs go right into the bunny boiler comments with so little compassion as if their WH is some hapless fool that just tripped and landed, penis first, into the OW. Almost by accident. Like Scooby doo, "if it weren't for that meddling OW, my husband would still be an innocent."

I really have a lot of respect in my situation for the OM's betrayed wife. She is/was very sweet. She held no animosity for my WW, and you know, I never have held any anger or blame for the OM.

We both seemed to realize that it was only our respective spouses that promised us anything and we should only be looking at them not their APs.

Yes the OM put a lot of time and energy grooming my WW for being his free escort at work conferences. Not my issue nor my concern, that guy. My wife not giving a shit about me - that's my problem.

The BW described her WH, the OM for my WW, as a "colossal disappointment". As was my WW for me...and only me.

needfriend, you have a keen perspective.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 2:44 PM, August 4th (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am actually reading books now about The OW to try to understand her cruelty toward me and to try not to hate her.
needfriendshere, you are giving OW entirely too much head space. You don't "need" to understand OW. OW is irrelevant. OW was simply a coping mechanism, validating, ego stroking, ego kibble feeding cumdumpster. That is all that is you need to understand. You are putting way too much energy and focus on OW.

I don't feel you need to hate OW, but your compassion is misplaced. OW obviously has none for you as her cruelty to you shows. Have you blocked OW yet? Please do.

OW in my sitch stalked and fished for my FWH for 8 or so years after he ended the affair. OW wasn't/isn't remorseful. I understand that OW, supposedly, fell in love with my FWH. Too bad, OW had no right to do that. Fuck OW and I hope it falls asleep crying alone and bitter in its bed, longing for my FWH and having mind movies of the fantastic sex we are having.

Sounds like I hate OW, right? Actually, I don't any longer. And, even if I did, it wouldn't "poison" me. The hate that I used to feel didn't consume me. If I thought of OW, I would think of it with hate, but it was only fleeting. Now I am to the point of just disliking it immensely. I don't know if I will ever get to indifference, but I don't worry about that, either.

Because the OW is totally irrelevant.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10085 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In either case, how did you come to terms with The Number?
When I was still trying to work on the M, the number, was a big obstacle. XWW's LTA was 3 years but hse had an A 1 year after we were married. I consider her a thief that stole 7 yrs of my life. I don't know if I ever truly came to terms with the amount of time she stole but when I decided to D it no longer was relevant to me. for me, the decision to file for D absolved me of any and all responsibility that I felt for understanding or trying to udnerstand my XWW. She could own all of it and I focused on me and moving forward with my life. I can't get that time back so I let it go.

I hope that doesn't sound bad but my XWW was unremorseful and I had no choice but to figure out how to move forward with my life with the least amount of damage possible.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seven years. SEVEN. YEARS

(((krsplat))) I can definitely relate. Sometimes it is mind boggling that a person can live a double life and inflict this level of pain onto another. Both of them! It knew that he was married and was lying to me and assisted him in his deceit. So there is culpability on everyone's part.

But what does that say about me? I suspected that he was having an A. Fortunately for them, there were other things to focus my attention on. When I could no longer "not see it", Mr. TBM ended the A.


Once again, last night my H wanted me to join his pity party "you don't love me anymore". My response to him was "you hurt me". The reality is, I don't love him the way that I did before he started the A. His behavior toward me when he was in lurvve; the things that he said and did are seared in my mind. I am trying to develop a relationship with him where I like him. There continue to be times when I struggle to not lash out. Divorce is still on the table.

I actually worried that he may be a psychopath

@(((needfriendshere)))Here too! My H says that he was not in his right mind. I agree with him. But it's deeper than that and Mr. TBM acknowledged this. Recently, he admitted that he'd been abused as a child. Sadly, I witnessed cruelty to him as an adult. Regardless of our past childhood traumas, as adults we are in control of our choices.




ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Sister - Woman...I will say it again: I wish I knew your IRL.

needfriendshere, you are giving OW entirely too much head space. You don't "need" to understand OW. OW is irrelevant. OW was simply a coping mechanism, validating, ego stroking, ego kibble feeding cumdumpster. That is all that is you need to understand. You are putting way too much energy and focus on OW.
I don't feel you need to hate OW, but your compassion is misplaced. OW obviously has none for you as her cruelty to you shows

About having compassion for it because it fell in love with MY HUSBAND....That beotch set out to ruin MY LIFE[/bold. It gives me great pleasure to know that for every tear I cried based on my H's lies and deceit, it is crying too. It did not have the right to form an inappropriate relationship with MY HUSBAND.

When Mr. TBM told it "I love her and I am not leaving", it yelled out: "You ruined my life. F--k you and the bitch." In the warped world of it, their complicity in getting rid of me was justifiable.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SisterMilkshake)))

8 years of the OW stalking your FWH? Those kinds of stories truly alarm me. How long ago was Dday for you? And when did she stop and why?

For me, it has been 5 and 1/2 months. I'm at the point where I am still processing what my H and she did. And I am trying to understand why it all happened.

Right now it is very difficult to keep OW out of my head. She consumes my nightmares and her words fill my thoughts at some point each and every day. It could be so easy to hate her and I really don't want to - even with all of her cruelty. My hope is to reach the point where, like you, I can see her as irrelevant. That really does sound liberating!

But I am far from that point. And since I have promised that I will ignore her - something I am doing with great difficulty - I am trying to understand her. Trying to understand her so I do not send her the letter I promised myself I will never mail, where I give her a reality check and include copies of pictures showing how happy my H and I were during the entire 6 years when she imagined I was a non-entity in his life. Trying to understand her since she and my H seem to be processing the end of their 6 years together in exactly opposite ways.

Maybe I won't like what I learn, but right now it feels like the only thing I am doing to be proactive in healing from the trail of pain she has contributed to us, is to understand her.



Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheBestMe,
I don't know why, but your post has left me in tears. I am so sorry for your pain - so, so sorry. I guess it's because, even though I am trying hard not to hate OW and to understand "it" instead, I could relate to every word you said.

OW has told me that she cries every day too. And she sent my H a text very recently telling him that he destroyed her life and that she hates both of us. Her anger seems to hit new levels as time passes...And I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE FEELS SO ENTITLED. He is and always has been MY HUSBAND - MINE!! She was the intruder, she was the unwelcome presence. Not me. This part of their mindset makes me crazy.

Hang in there!! (((TheBestMe)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am actually reading books now about The OW to try to understand her cruelty toward me and to try not to hate her. I think hate is like a poison that consumes one's soul and I am finding it so hard not to hate her.

I agree with Sister that you are letting this person have too much head space - I did the same thing for a long time and probably still do it at times now 2 years after DDay. One of my bigger struggles was been dealing with OM1 in my case. OM1 cheated with my WW for 12 years but I have never met this person, know nothing about him and don't even know what he looks like. I hate him and for me it is was that simple. This is a person that has not once ever gave a damn about me so I don't feel the need to give a damn about him unless he showed he was sorry for his past actions.

I think if I encountered OM on the street ever I would have a very difficult time not provoking an altercation of some sort. Not that I would ever know to recognize him and because of that I have felt at a disadvantage. I had thought for a long time about hiring a PI to get me some info on him but decided he wasn't worth spending any money on him either. Early after DDay when my WW was still not quite getting it, she offered to draw me a picture of him to satisfy my wanting to know what he looked like. I said no way to that offer. For awhile after DDay I used to entertain myself by thinking of evil things I could do to mess with his head. With time he finally spends less and less time in my head.

I also used to not like the saying on SI that the AP doesn't matter, focus only on your WS as the AP could have been anyone. While that advise probably works well for shorter A, in LTA's the AP seems so much more personnel to us because of the length of time involved. Often the euphoria of new love had long been gone in these relationships and the AP seems to have a sense of entitlement to be in our lives without us ever knowing that they are there. The AP wasn't just anyone I feel, it was someone who had personnally attacked me and kept doing it over and over again without any sense of right or wrong. Sure the same could be said about my WW, however with her I can see the change and the work. I see nothing from the AP and for that reason they are nothing to me - not because they could have been anyone.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't that funny, (ha ha), how "we" have ruined their lives? No taking responsibility for themselves or their actions. "We" didn't even know they existed. I feel the AP's were the one with the advantage in the "game" (or competition) that we were unaware of. It actually makes me laugh (again, ha ha) that I "won" and didn't even know their was a competition until 6 years after the OW was dumped. I didn't change one iota and FWH still dumped OW. Not because he realized he loved me, but because he was afraid. This is a quote I like:
No one ends an affair because they realize they are still in love. They end an affair because they are scared. Scared of taking it to the next level, scared of being found out, scared of ruining their life. ~ Rick Castle, from Castle TV series
It is a generalization, though, and doesn't apply for everyone. However, this is exactly why my FWH ended it. He was afraid he was going to be found out and afraid his life was going to be ruined. He told OW when it would continuously call our land line and tried to befriend me (before I knew) that "You are trying to ruin my life!".

needfriendshere, my d-day was March 2010. He ended the affair in 2004. OW stalked and fished for my FWH for the next 6 years. If you want to read all the details of the whole ugly story it is in my profile. For the 2 years after d-day, OW kept trying to contact FWH until we finally sent a NC letter to OW. OW hasn't tried to contact us since then, unless the hang up calls we get from "Unknown Caller" or "Private Number" is OW. FWH never, ever answers those calls. If it is OW, it doesn't even get to hear his voice.

Each of us have a different path to healing. OW was in my head constantly at 5 1/2 months, I totally understand that. However, trying to "understand" it was the last thing on my mind. I was too busy trying to understand my FWH and my own feelings and such to waste any time whatsoever on trying to understand the OW. I really don't feel that this will help you in anyway.

Why are you so afraid to "hate"? It is a perfectly normal and human reaction to someone who has done us grievous harm. I personally believe it is best to feel our feelings to get to healing. I know for many years I stuffed my feelings. I won't do that anymore. I can understand if one became fixated on the hate, or if one actually acts out on the hatred, or one lets it color every part of ones life then one must actively work on getting past that. However, I feel it is a stage that we (a lot of BS's) go through. Most eventually get to a place of indifference. I may or may not get there, and that is fine. My hatred for OW is very compartmentalized. This will not make me a hateful person. This makes me a human on a healing journey.

eta: missing sentence

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:51 PM, August 4th (Monday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


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