Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ChaosRider (45729)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even when stbx was not involved with an OM, she was leading a second life, a life she was not willing or able to share with me. A life that was not authentic.... I know of people who never learn this lesson and go to their grave at the end of a life that was not authentic for them or the people they knew.

This is something I worked on in IC. At first, I felt like WH's A had turned my life into a lie. Knowing that whore was lurking just outside the frame of every single family vacation photo, that all of our "special" days were not really just ours.... It killed me. But IC helped me see that my life is MY life. I have only ever been the real me, only ever responded to people as I knew them to be, made all of my decisions based on what I knew to be truth, and always told the truth myself. I lived authentically, as you say. If WH missed out on the beauty of those experiences because he was only half there, that's his problem, not mine. My life during the A was real, and I will continue to cherish the parts that were important to me.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW has told me that she cries every day too. And she sent my H a text very recently telling him that he destroyed her life and that she hates both of us.

This is part of your problem, I think. STOP talking to her! STOP allowing her to send messages. As long as she keeps getting attention from you and your WH, she will keep you stirred up. I know it's hard -- like not picking at a scab -- but I see you hurting yourself, and I hate it.

Don't read about her. Don't try to understand her. Don't attempt to "untangled the skein of fucked-upness," as one of my favorite bloggers puts it. Just take care of you. Talk to your WH about why he made the choices he did. Figure out how the two of you want to relate. And just let her sink to the bottom of the swamp. Please?


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I had to rush my last post. H came in from work. I wanted to address this:

To her, that's what she was. In a sick
way, I believe her when she says she never felt that she was committing adultery. To her, my H was her soul mate, her everything. Yeah, she had an H - who is trying to win her back if you can believe it - so I can't really see how she could say that, but I know why she "felt" it, if that makes any sense
.

....shut the front door!!! The selfishness and the brokenness of the people involved in an A knows no limits. This AP seems adapt at inflicting painful words in order to get what she wants. See her for what she is: YOUR ENEMY.

Needsfriendshere, you seem to be a caring person. Your outlook on this reminds me of my mother. My mother can find something good about the Devil, "he was once a beautiful Angel in Heaven". Focus on you and your healing. Mostly, do not have any contact with it.

My IC reminded me that I fell in love with my H. So, why would I think that another woman would not want him? I reminded it that the man that she was drawn to is the man that he and I created, MINE.

I do not blame it for the choices that my H made. But, it is accountable for its participation in seeking to destroy my life. I hate it. It is vengeful and hurtful, selfish and manipulative in its attempts to hurt me. I am its enemy and had been for many years.

I have said this before, I was in a competition that I did not know about. I continued my life; just being me. On the other hand, it pulled out all the tricks in their bag in an effort to steal something that they had no right to.

The insightful thing about some LTA is that given enough time, they fizzle out. The AP shows their true self and some may frighten the other person. I have learned that my H had been trying to get away from it for some time. He was held to it by the fear that it would tell me. So, when it did, he was set free.



ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krsplat,
It seems like my H and I are learning all of the "duh" things we should be doing too late. After my H received hate mail from the OW 4 and 1/2 months after NC, he changed all of his e-mail addresses. And I finally blocked her on FB last week. But, for me, it was too late. All of her words just float around my head - not only the fact that after 6 years, she felt entitled, but that my H told her ALL of our secrets - mine and his. I feel extremely violated and vulnerable.

So, yes, I am a bit obsessed with her now. And very angry at both of them - my H and her. H swears he did not tell her about my life in an unflattering way, but from comments she has made, that can not be true. I almost feel like I and her poor BH were the butts of their jokes. She reminds my H that I am supposedly an adulteress because 27 years ago, I got out of a one-year marriage to an extremely abusive H and when Christians re-marry, it is adultery. A case of extreme hypocrisy? Of course. But that's not the worst of it. I NEVER talk about that experience - it was horrible. And he told her!! Why?

So I see ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS she is trying to tear us apart and to break me down and am trying to make sense of it. My C tells me that my H must have made some pretty serious promises to her, which is true. She was convinced that, even if it continued the way it was (which she was ok with), he would be hers forever.

We are going to go see my parents (who live far from us) for a family wedding later this year and my stomach is in knots because OW called my dad and told him all about my H's and her 6-year A! Why? Because one of the reasons my H told her he would not leave me was because he loves my family, esp. my dad.

She has threatened to tell our children (only one of them knows at this point) EVERYTHING - whatever that means. I have never heard of anyone as mean and vindictive as her, although I am beginning to learn that there are others like her from reading a lot of your comments.

I know that I could let go of her so much easier if I wasn't so frightened of her. And legally? She has done nothing that the police could help me with - not yet.

LTA's are potentially lethal. The longer our WS's stay with their AP's, the more intense their relationships become. And the more intense their relationships are, the more hurt the one who is "dumped" feels. And if that person is unstable to begin with...

So I have cut all contact with OW. What now? Just sit and wait until another shoe drops? By trying to get inside her mind, I am hoping to see what on earth it will take for her to move on with her life and forget my H. In essence, I want to feel safe again.

(H, by the way, has been wonderful - really wonderful. In every way I could imagine. But it is not enough to make me feel anything near safe.)


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needfriendshere, you really should stop trying to understand the OW, because the kind of person who can do what she did cannot be understood by a rational person. There are a lot of people out there who are messed up--FOO or outright mental instability. There is no explanation that will satisfy you with reagrd to these people. Take this time and energy and focus it on you and your WH and your family. It will be a lot healthier and more productive for you.

With regard to hating/blaming the OW, I certainly do put the primary blame on my FWH for starting down the path of his A. But, he tried many times to walk away and she did threaten to tell me. My FWH was a coward and was not willing to face the consequences of what he did, so he avoided. Again, totally his fault. In retrospect, I am glad she told me, because I fear he never would have had the courge to do it himself and I don't think he would have been able to live with the secret long-term. It had already driven him to thoughts of suicide. We could never have had a happy life together.

I have some compassion for OW, but only because she is mentallly ill. She did many things after Dday to try to ruin our lives--luckily those did not work out in her favor. I still have some anger over those things, but only when I apply normal human standards to her behavior. She is mentally ill, she does not really have controll over some of that behavior. I understand that, so I have to let it go. Otherwise, I would make myself crazy as well. You can't make sense out of nonsense is my mantra.

How do you come to terms with the number? That just takes time. I was angry about it for a long time. 5 years was more than a quarter of our M. It does take your breath away when you stop to think about it that way. But, eventually, you just come to terms with the fact that it is what it is. You can't change it, so you have to accept it in order to move on. It is a process and the reason that it takes 2-5 years to heal from an A.

ETA: We cross-posted and I do want to say that I understand the fear you are experiencing. OW tried for over 8 months to contact my FWH and she did contact some other people to tell them about it (luckily, not family members). I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It just postpones healing. Going NC with her and blocking is the best way to handle it. Keep records in case she crosses a line and you need to take the whole record to the authorities. Have you tried a letter from a lawyer telling her to stop? That sometimes works.

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 11:57 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Aug 2010
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has threatened to tell our children (only one of them knows at this point) EVERYTHING - whatever that means. I have never heard of anyone as mean and vindictive as her, although I am beginning to learn that there are others like her from reading a lot of your comments.

Needfriendshere - I don't think you should be working to stop hating this person, you should hate this person. It is you mind's natural response to the position that she has and is currently putting you in. By hating her you are in a sense dehumanizing her. This will allow you to quickly and properly respond if she continues to follow through with her threats. This person is a current threat to you and your family, it is ok hating her until she no longer continues to be a threat in my opinion.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ReunitePangea, you say:
"it is ok hating her until she no longer continues to be a threat in my opinion."

You may have a point here - I certainly hate what she is doing and the fact that she won't get on with her life. Hating until the threat is gone...

Thanks, ReunitePangea. I think that would be a healthy response at this point. Sometimes I think I am still numb from everything and am not "feeling" anything in a normal way! I know that I love my H and always have. I also know that I feel fear - a heck of a lot of it - but not much else.

It all comes back to the point of this thread, doesn't it? 6 years is a long, long time for the love of your life to share his entire self with someone else...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 years is a long, long time for the love of your life to share his entire self with someone else...

hmmm... personally given a wayward spouse has to be adept at compartmentalizing to split successfully long-term

I don't think they share an entire self.

My WH calls it "a piece of" himself when describing his head/his behavior back then (still not sure if it's applicable now... watching and waiting)

so I accepted that the OW can have the freak insecure, selfish 12-year old "tumor" piece of him

that's all he involved in the relationship anyway - a selfish, thoughtless asshole who demonstrated what great relationship material he was by lying to his wife and abandoning his family

past is past painful as it is, I don't have a time machine so I just have to remind my two-year old that occasionally still needs a temper tantrum to get her "it's not fair" out that i can only shape the future by staying focused in the present

but yah, I get that staying in the present is a slog

every day a slog... so I am getting stronger

good thing 'cause I had gotten out of shape all way round in my middle age

[This message edited by Merida at 9:20 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It all comes back to the point of this thread, doesn't it? 6 years is a long, long time for the love of your life to share his entire self with someone else...

Six years is a very, very long time indeed. However, I am mostly a positive, the glass is half-full type of person so let me share with you a different perspective on looking at the length of the affair. I have been on SI for almost 2 years and have read countless stories related to infidelity. I have to say that I am truly inspired but what lengths people have had to go to be a survivor when dealing with infidelity. Whether it is unremorseful WS, STDs, OCs, domestic violence issues, financial difficulties, continued cake eating WS, mental issues and the list goes on and on and on. To see survivors from the length of some of these LTAs is equally inspiring. In our small group on the LTA forum there are many inspiring people who have survived the length of an LTA. I even amaze myself when I look back at my own story and see how far I have come.

My point is the length of the affair is an enormous hurdle to overcome but others have done it and I know you will too. Be a survivor and let your final story be an inspiration to others.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needfriends et al,

not only the fact that after 6 years, she felt entitled...my H must have made some pretty serious promises to her, which is true.
^^^actually, the OW was not feeling 'entitled, but heavily invested. Every morning for so many years your H spun a dream for her that became the basis of her day to day existence. He created for her the 'happily ever after.'

Plus, and this is some cold water thrown on the discussion, the OW was not an 'intruder' into the marriage. She was an invited guest by the wayward husband. He brought her into the marriage, and he kept her on standby just outside that family photo. He did not have the 'courtesy' to provide advance notification.

This is why I preach focus on the WS. As BSs, we have NO IDEA who said what, and what the power dynamic was like in the A. We all want to believe that our WSs were victims of seducers and, once trapped, couldn't get out. The potential of that self-denial can blind us from looking with a very discerning eye at our WSs today, as they truly are, and what they need to do to fix things.

The main issue with the OW in your case is that she is harassing you NOW and not honoring NC. That needs to stop. Maybe her BH can do something here?

A quick observation: the LTA thread is not a 'vent' thread. So keep that in mind with all the "whore" comments. My WW could be the whore you all are piling on with such disdain. Maybe my wife was given a bunch of false promises and commitments. Maybe my WW was groomed by an OM that (ab)used a mentor/mentee professional relationship. Maybe my WW was manipulated constantly throughout the A by a sociopath. Maybe he was a predator that looked for week females in the pack. Who knows? It doesn't matter vis a vis my WW destroying our marriage innocence and vows. But I have to say that if the OM's wife starting 'blaming' my wife for her husband's choice to take a dump on their marriage, I would have to laugh. And wonder what her problem was.

Again, that is why we say focus on the WS - and in the context of this thread, we should be talking about "how could the WS do that for so long" and "taint so many years", "what is the special brokenness of a WS to have an LTA", and "what do our memories mean", etc.

...and as RP noted, the unique emotional strength it takes to even accept, much less forgive, that the LTA happened. It was an affront to our own sense of reality itself. That is traumatic.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:45 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 893 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, MC_Jack, but I feel calling a whore a whore isn't venting. I could be wrong. I feel using certain graphic words are different than venting.

Why do you seem to take it so personally? When most are speaking about a "whore" here they are speaking about a specific "whore". I don't take it personally when one calls a WH an ugly name, I don't understand why you seem to often project this onto your wife.

Also, remorseful WW's, in general, are not included in this name calling. I know I usually only speak of the unremorseful OW in my sitch, or as recently in this thread, was speaking of a specific unremorseful, cruel OW.

I don't feel anyone here has ever made a blanket statement about all WW's being whores or whatever other ugly name someone can think of.

Also, I have to disagree about the AP being invited into the marriage. No, we didn't invite them. It is OUR marriage, not our WS's alone. The AP's are intruders, interlopers and trespassers.

the OW was not feeling 'entitled, but heavily invested
I don't feel you, or anyone, can know exactly what a particular AP is feeling. To say OW didn't feel entitled, but invested is, at best, a guess. As most agree that AP's and WS's are selfish creatures, I would venture that this particular OW was feeling entitled. OW may have felt both or neither. And again, OW had no right becoming "invested" in a married man, let alone pointing out that this particular OW was a MOW.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you seem to take it so personally?
^^^ I am not. I am making a point. That is the use of the term implies something pejorative which is being spared the WH. And it is the WH that betrayed the M not the AP.
I have to disagree about the AP being invited into the marriage
^^^well, we have to disagree on this. I say the WH invited the OW into the relationship at the expense of the BW. And just chose not to tell her. The beef is with the WH as a result.

I understand the *feelings* of being trespassed on, intruded upon, etc. but as you have noticed over the years I am not a feelings validator type.

I don't feel you, or anyone, can know exactly what a particular AP is feeling.
^^^ exactly. nor do we know all of the circumstances including anything extenuating. So again, let's focus on the WS. The WSs are the ones fully responsible to us. I get the idea of trying to rescue the WS at the expense of the AP. I just have resisted it.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:31 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 893 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just poppin in to say that I wish I knew Sister IRL too (her OW is FUGLY by the way).

12 years here...some days it's not the biggest obstacle and then other days it still makes my head spin.

Hugs to all of you...this stuff isn't for sissies.

0115


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1011 | Registered: Apr 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, 0115. Nice to see you. I wish I knew you,TBM and all of you IRL. That would be, well, I think, a blast. I think we would laugh a lot and have fun.
12 years here...some days it's not the biggest obstacle and then other days it still makes my head spin.
Yesh, I get this. Sometimes the surreal quality of this whole "trip" is just so .............well, surreal. I mean, it is just like, you just gotta shake your head and say "Really?" and just keep calm, carry on.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
BrokenheartedWif
♀ Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days it's a real fight to not let the WS's extended brokenness not break me. And LTAs especially the ones that went on for a decade or more are a surreal display of brokenness. Living a double life for so long would be unbelievable, expect it was done by our WSs and then foisted upon us to deal with a lot of fallout.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenheartedWif,
Some days it's a real fight to not let the WS's extended brokenness not break me.

In retrospect, stbx’s brokenness was damaging/ had damaged me.
Not just the brokenness of the affairs, but the personality issues like compartmentalization, projection, lack of empathy, fear of intimacy, conflict avoidance and such that allowed the affairs to initiate and sustain. As our separation leading to D continues, I am amazed at the positive differences I am experiencing in my life. I really do believe that the effort I was putting into trying to have a relationship with stbx was draining energy and perception away from other relationships and aspects of my life. I no longer feel anxiety that I do not have some shore done and that stbx will be upset with me about it. I no longer feel guilt spending time with a friend worried that stbx will be upset at being left alone or uninvolved, or that I drank too much, or that I was too loud, or that I am not clean enough, or that I am not nice enough or good enough… you get the picture.
Living a double life for so long…

As I mentioned in an earlier post, stbx’s As were not the only double life. She rejected emotional intimacy and real connection throughout our M. Much of our time together she was leading a life within her mind where she fought with insecurity, shame, and volatile emotions, and a public life where she was trying to appear as “normal”.

I also feel that my WS invited each of the OPs into our M. I believe that there are always potential OPs circling around looking for opportunities. This only becomes a problem when they find a spouse who is receptive to their attentions and encourages their further attentions. This is not necessarily an intentional or conscious act by the future WS, but it is essentially the weak or non-existent boundaries that we talk about that invite in the interlopers. Speaking from my sich, the same attention from OM that stbx found affirming and addictive when directed at me by a potential OW I found to be uncomfortable and embarrassing. She invited them in (literally regarding the PA), I did not.

Hi 0115, nice to see you.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In retrospect, stbx’s brokenness was damaging/ had damaged me.
ats, I felt this way about you whilst you were bending over backwards to reconcile with your WW. I admired you for being so empathetic and having so much grace for your WW's illness, but I always felt it came at a steep price to you. ETA: A particular instance I am remembering was when your WW left you (literally took the vehicle and left you stranded) at some function and you had no way home. I was thinking that was the straw that was going to break the camel's back. For awhile, you thought so, too. But it wasn't. You always had hope, and it always made me think of this quote: Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I am so happy that you are feeling, dare I say, happy. Or maybe a better word would be unburdened?

So the invitation thingy maybe semantics. To me, when one says the AP was "invited" into the marriage it sounds to me like this was some kind of arrangement made by the couple who are married. Not just by one. I don't feel my FWH invited the OW into our marriage, he allowed it to intrude upon our marriage. He invited OW to Fantasyland. He felt that he could lead the double life without any effect on our marriage. He had them very compartmentalized and one did not overlap the other, in his mind.

If one feels that the AP was "invited" into their marriage, those are your feelings and you are entitled to feel that way. But for others to say

the OW was not an 'intruder' into the marriage. She was an invited guest by the wayward husband.
isn't true for everyone, and I don't feel one must expect everyone to feel the same.

The same for how one feels about the AP. MC_Jack, if you can be all Zen like about the OM, great for you. Holding an AP accountable for the harm they do to the BS's doesn't diminish the 100% blame and accountability that our WS's have. There have been countless threads about this exact subject, not going to rehash it here. However, what I will say, because one way works for you or me, doesn't mean that is the way it should or has to be for anyone else.

I have to say that if the OM's wife starting 'blaming' my wife for her husband's choice to take a dump on their marriage, I would have to laugh. And wonder what her problem was.
Maybe her problem was your wife fucking her husband. *shrug* Again, I will say, holding an AP accountable for their part in the affair is different than "blaming" them (although, they do own some of the blame for the affair, didn't happen in a vacuum) for our spouses infidelity.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:33 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I love about all of us is how we are dealing with an incredibly painful experience. I have had Stage 3 cancer, and finding out about my H's LTA was much more difficult to deal with than that. Yet here I stand - still very much in love with this person who caused me to feel more pain than I imagined possible. And, more important than that, I have forgiven him and we are rebuilding an incredible life together.

I would be kidding myself if I said our marriage was perfect before his LTA. We had our issues. After 17 years (when it all began), don't we all? My H realizes he handled his problems in the most selfish and ultimately destructive way - destructive for me, for him, and for his AP. He learned a powerful lesson and his remorse is what keeps me standing beside him today.

As for me, my job has been made easy as I saw our last child go off to college this past year. My H felt I was completely wrapped-up with our kids and their problems to the point of shutting him out AND neglecting my health. I know how that sounds, but he is right. I often stayed up late helping them with homework that we should have done hours earlier. I also stretched myself way too thin when my body needed rest - being team mom for my son's sports teams year after year, etc., and my health always seemed to be hanging in the balance as a result. I honestly had little time or energy left for my H.

Now we are like newlyweds. Both of us actually laugh sometimes realizing how GOOD we are together - how good we should always have been. Should my H have told me - long ago - that I was pushing him away by spending all my time and energy on our sons? Of course! But his reasons for not doing so were complicated and that is neither here nor there.

As for the OW - she is the one thing that is preventing us from being completely happy right now. Her healing process, unfortunately, involves making sure we both A.) know how much she is suffering, and B.) suffer along with her. My prayer for her each and every day is that she will look at that poor man who has stuck by HER side through all this and remember why she fell in love with him some 33 years ago.

Anyway, SisterMilkshake mentioned what a good time we would have if we could all get together. I agree with her 100%. I guess SI is the next best thing. Here we can encourage each other as we share in each other's stories. We give each other reality checks when needed, hugs when we're hurting, and a "virtual" thumbs up when things are going well.

I thank you ALL for being a part of my life. I honestly don't know where I would be without you.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needfriendshere, Good Morning.

I have some suggestions on what to do about the OW in your situation.

NC means NC for both you and your H. Is the OW totally blocked now in all ways from contacting both you and your H?

Have you saved any and all communications that OW sent? If you haven't deleted or destroyed them, please make copies of them and keep them. Have you sent these communications to the OBS? If not, I would send anything the OW has sent you to the OBS. Also, in the future, if she somehow manages to contact either of you, immediately let the OBS know and send him any copies if there was something sent.

While what OW is doing may be within legal standards, it doesn't mean you can't make a report with the police about the harassment OW is doing. Most likely the police won't be able to do something about it, but if you make a report to the police it will be on record and you are starting to leave a paper trail that can add up to charges being able to be filed or getting a restraining order, protective order.

Document any and all attempts at contact. Get a notebook and write the dates time and manner of the attempted contact/contact.

We sent a NC letter to the OW letting it know that we had filed a police report about its continuing efforts to contact us, which is harassment. We let OW know that if it didn't cease its efforts that our lawyer would be contacting it the next time. Seems to have worked for us, and this was after 8 years of its harassing my FWH, and then me.

Have you sent a NC letter?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkShake,
Thank you!! As of now, we actually have done everything you suggested. I was the last one to block her on FB because I felt one of us needed to know what she was up to. Silly me...

I contacted the police a few weeks ago and they told me to keep records as you have suggested. I have 2 folders full of stuff!

H sent a very well written NC letter a while back and it really set her off. But he has still not broken NC. H tries very hard not to think about her.

What disturbs me the most is that now that she can no longer torment either of us, she is "reaching out" to some of H's friends (as I stated a while back). We're not sure what exactly she expects or desires to get out of that. I guess that is the next shoe I am waiting to come slamming down on us.

Thanks so much for being there and for your advice. I know it is absolutely correct!!
(((SisterMilkShake)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 533
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.