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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 2yr mark is here
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, in a few days it will be 2yrs since the first kiss. My FWW and OM kissed for the first time and it was fireworks from there on. We've come a LONG WAY since, but after 2yrs, I have to say that I am so scared that it is hard to embrace her being with me and caring for me and her remorse. We have a good weekend and then I end up messing it up by triggering.

I'm having a hard time letting my feelings rap around her. I'm having a hard time with triggers. I'm having a hard time letting go of the mind movies.

I don't even know why I'm telling you guys this anyway. I guess I just need to vent. This is affair month. Happens to be our anniversary and mother's day too. Talk about not wanting to celebrate ANYTHING!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, bro, if you trigger, you trigger. It's not messing up - a trigger is an involuntary thing that you can't control, and they seem to be a lot more common around antiversaries than normal times. (Imagine that....)

Two years out - some people recover this fast, but the recovery path has to be perfect for that to happen, IMO.

A hug, if it will help - (((2m2q)))


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9740 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have a good weekend and then I end up messing it up by triggering

UM NO. YOU messed up nothing. Why did you trigger? Because your wife cheated. She messed things up. Don't bear the blame, it helps no one. A remorseful spouse knows this, and will help you through.

You don't want to celebrate, then don't. Tell her, don't expect me to make a big deal about our Anniversary it hurts too much still. It means nothing anymore, whatever you are feeling. Mothers day you kind of have to play along on that one, but remember its a day to honor your mom, and for the kids to honor your wife. You have no part in honoring her. Let them pick out the gifts. You just pay for them.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7791 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what tushnurse and sisoon said. you didn't mess up anything by triggering. you can not help that. you shouldn't try to cover that. you need to feel it and get it out of your system. thinking about you and sending you some peace. you don't have to celebrate anything this month.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just passed our two year mark! It was a tough month, but please dont feel sorry for your feelings! You deal with it however you need to! Hang in there!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Sep 2012
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((2m2q)))
Antiversaries suck. I just had my 2 year of dday this past Saturday. I relived every horrible moment of the day. I couldn't stop myself no matter how hard I tried. I'm already feeling better but I know I will spiral again in July and August for those ddays too. Don't be too hard on yourself. We can get through it.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 491 | Registered: Aug 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Some real valuable advice and kind words. I appreciate that. I'm trying not to trigger but it's inevitable.

R has only been since December really so triggering 2yrs out is not inconceivable. Just seems that FWW can put it behind her better than I can. Honestly, I'm kinda still in limbo deep down inside. How can the love of my life, my wife, my lover, my best friend, the person I live with do this to me? It's a question I ask myself EVERY SINGLE DAY.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can the love of my life, my wife, my lover, my best friend, the person I live with do this to me? It's a question I ask myself EVERY SINGLE DAY
.

2married2quit, A really close friend of mine and my wife's told me something when we were talking about what my wife did and what was bothering me. She basically said,

" you may never get the answers to why she did what she did and there is nothing you can ever do about it. Don't worry about things you cannot explain"

Those words hung out there like in a ballon. I realized nothing I can do can get me all the answers I want so I have to accept things as they are and move on. Whether I stay with her or leave her, I'll never get all the answers so why bother. I've decide to stay, so nothing will change what I want.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 89 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
Searchingforhope
♀ Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((2m2q))

Just rounding the 2 year mark myself..

How can the love of my life, my wife, my lover, my best friend, the person I live with do this to me? It's a question I ask myself EVERY SINGLE DAY.

When I have asked my H this question..and I have many times ...he says it wasn't about me at all. It had nothing to do with me. It was all about him getting his selfish ego stroked.

I think I'm finally HEARING that, but it's taken some time for it to really sink in.

I hope that helps you in some small way.


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Searchingforhope - yes, she says the same to me.

As much as I move on, forget about it, or try to ignore it, it comes back. Always.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey brother not all that far ahead of you.

quick thought. quit trying to suppress the triggers. feel them, I mean really feel them. I would fully expect your wife to help you deal with the emotions. there's a saying that runs around here from time to time. you can't heal what you don't feel.

let it out, deal with it. move on to the next to trigger. if she is truly with you, she will help you through each and every step.

sending strength.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2541 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454real - Thank you.

She's kind and understands somewhat. What ends up happening is that it triggers her guilt and shame and we end up in this vicious circle. That's why I suppress it sometimes. Gets in the way of progress.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing good so far, but when I look at the calendar I get reminded of these days 2yrs ago. I was oblivious to what was happening, but soon after the shock of my life came. I'll never be the same.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time you suppress a trigger, the progress you are suppressing his her healing and growth. Why would you do that? She needs to feel that guilt and shame, so she can find a way out of it.

You may be two years out from discovery, but you are not two years into healing from the last hurt.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6298 | Registered: Jan 2011
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't mess up by triggering. You trigger because it's a horrific, traumatic thing that happened to you. I hope it gets better for you.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after

Posts: 772 | Registered: Dec 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it triggers her guilt and shame and we end up in this vicious circle.

two years later it's still all about her? She needs to move out of the shame so she can help you heal and be there to listen to you. Shame is very selfish. Does she understand that?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4473 | Registered: Dec 2010
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

two years later it's still all about her? She needs to move out of the shame so she can help you heal and be there to listen to you. Shame is very selfish. Does she understand that?

We've made lots of progress. Didn't wanna get in the way of it, but yeah, I will be more expressive. I hate it though.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 17

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