[This message edited by LdyD at 5:06 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Using condoms may help prevent pregnancy and lessen std risks, but it wont protect fully for things like hpv, herpes and hepatitus. condoms can break too.
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider
He cheated and lied.
Of course there would be some boundaries set, always use protection, don't get too emotionally involved, etc.
I just don't think infidelity is about sex; I think it is about lying and control - not problems that can be resolved by more sexual intrigue, IMO.
Here's some more education on open marriage here:
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 5:46 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]
Long story short, she began an LTA behind my back with one of the three men she'd had what was supposed to be a purely sexual fling and ended up choosing him over me and our family. I offered reconciliation or divorce; she implicitly chose divorce. (Well, she professed that she did not want divorce, but would not give up the affair.)
Just the phrase "open marriage" scares the hell out of me, frankly. Again, I've heard that it can work with total trust, so I don't want to judge. And of course it had its allure for both of us. But it ended in terrible calamity.
Please be careful. It's a dangerous game.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
We decided it was not something we could do. W forgot those discussions but proved them accurate.
Note: I'm saying open M is not for us. I also think very few people can do it, but it works for some people.
True open Ms are very hard to set up, because the boundaries need to be clear and measurable - 'don't get too emotionally involved' just doesn't work as a boundary. On SI, too many people say 'open M' when they mean that a WS has said 'just suck up my cheating' or a BS means 'I'll just suck up my WS's cheating'. That's cake-eating or abuse, not a real mutually satisfactory open M.
I knew only one 'open M'. In fact, it was 2 couples of which one H wanted the other guy's W and she wanted him. It started ostensibly as 2 cash-poor couples sharing an apartment, which became an open M after a few weeks. A few months later, it was a WH and a WW living together and 1 crushed BW and 1 crushed BH.
Having said that, I have been with another man (the OW's BP) twice last month. He was my H's best friend and also a friend of mine for 15 years. My H encouraged it and he knew both times when I was heading to meet him and when I left. I must say, for me and the BP it has helped us move past some of the painful emotions of the A. This wasn't an RA, no betrayal or lies were told. My WH and I are more intimately close now.
[This message edited by LdyD at 6:34 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]
To make something like an open marriage work, from what I've seen, takes two very confident and strong individuals who BOTH want this and who have iron-clad barriers in place keeping the primary couple together, with an occasional invitation for a guest who does not overstay their welcome.
Trying to start an open marriage with someone who has already cheated on you and lied, out of the fear of losing that person, is doomed to a rather messy and spectacular failure. You do not need this pain on top of the pain that you already are being put through. It's as if after crushing one hand, you decided to crush the other one too, so that you were now symmetrical.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I so much agree!
"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"
In an open relationship at least I could have my cake and eat it too --too! Ha just saying if he wants to explore maybe I should too. Maybe we could spice things up in the bedroom with threesomes?
as long as we had threesomes with men and women not just other women lol. That would be interesting I think. Perhaps that's what's missing. We could just have sex with other people together!
Shanoa, based on these comments in your JFO thread, what makes you think an open relationship is going to work with your child rapist fiance? He has no character for an open relationship. Stop thinking about an open relationship and start focusing on you!!!
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 6:48 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]
So I believe someone who has recently crossed the line into infidelity lacks the tools to be able to swing effectively. I see this every so often here and honestly I think it's just an excuse to not fix your shit and just turn your head to the real problem.
Why are you trying to bargain to keep him? If you had everything you wanted in a perfect world, would you choose a man that wanted an open M and wanted to sleep with other women?
My concern is how this open M way of living twists the minds of those engaged in it.....taking the "edge" off interacting with married monogamous people.
Also think it would be very confusing to children.
My wife's affair was hidden from our girls......they still picked up on a different vibe in our home. Don't see how you could insulate them from this lifestyle. IMO kids are not equipped to handle such vibes....concern it would mess with their future abilities to bond.
My 2 cents worth.
Also, an open marriage is no proof against infidelity, because infidelity is not always merely about sexual dalliance. I have read posts here on SI from individuals who had open marriages where the only boundary was "tell me when you do something with someone else", and the WS was unable/unwilling to offer even this modicum of respect and honesty to the BS, and they ended up here with a wrecked marriage. For some people (maybe even many people), secrecy and deception is part of the fun. For some people, the issue isn't about sex, but is instead about an inability to be loyal or honest, regardless of how loyalty or honesty are defined within a marriage.
If your partner is willing to lie and and break boundaries in a monogamous marriage, there is no reason whatsoever to assume they would not be willing to lie and break boundaries in an open marriage. And by adopting the attitudes that accompany an open marriage lifestyle, they will find themselves with even more justification for doing so (i.e., "we agreed that I could fool around with her...the problem here is that you need to work on your jealousy, not that I didn't use a condom")
TL;DR - please be careful about assuming that an open marriage is the answer to marital infidelity.
[This message edited by TheGarden at 7:27 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]
I've known a lot of people with different configurations in their relationships and very rarely have I ever seen anything work out worth a darn by adding more people to the mix, particularly when things weren't healthy and stable to begin with.
Furthermore, there is a finite amount of time and emotional resources in anyone's life. By adding more people to your already strained situation, it will just take away from the specialness of you and your relationship.
I would advise you not to walk this path at this point.