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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Open Marriage?
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There will be some who believe to each his own and some who even engage in open marriage and swear it is a wonderful healthy lifestyle because they have their "boundaries and rules" (I personally think a "rule" that you cannot become emotionally attached to another person you have sex with is likely impossible to really enforce anyway, even if you don't mean for it to happen initially.
And then there is this...

There is no such thing as unprotected sex.
Using condoms may help prevent pregnancy and lessen std risks, but it wont protect fully for things like hpv, herpes and hepatitus. condoms can break too.

Many members here talk about the "broken vows." Okay, we know when someone cheats and lies about it, they broke their marriage vows. But if the vows both people took included forsaking all others (I think that means NOT HAVING SEX with others) then aren't both breaking the vows when they change their own marriage agreement to "follow these carefully laid out rules" which allow both to have sex with others? Just asking, and this is for those who are always putting it out there if two people agree and follow their supposed rules, this is okay. To me, unless this was your agreement before you took your marriage vows then this is not ever okay, unless vows don't really mean that much to either party.


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
jupiter13
♀ Member
Member # 40999
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggested it it is something I had always wanted in a marriage but funny thing he says he could not handle it and will not even consider it. Now why would someone who thinks he can go outside the marriage have a cow when his wife wants to do so with his blessing? Double standards. What a Jerk don't do it. It is not something you truly want either.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Modesto
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds more like a consensual revenge affair (or series of), in this circumstance.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not judgmental of people who have open marriages, and I know a few couples that do. I personally wouldn't be able to handle it. And I have a hard time understanding just sex relationships. The only reason is because I believe that sex is a connection. Is there any other way to be physically closer to another human being than sex? I think it's hard for both people to maintain a "just sex" Usually someone always starts to develop feeling for the other and sometimes they both do.
I for sure wouldn't consider it anytime soon after infidelity. To have an open marriage you need SUPER trust. For it to work you would need more trust and safety. So just thinking about an open marriage after infidelity is painful. But I don't think it's impossible. Just that the trust and foundation of the M would need to be way stronger before jumping into something like an open marriage.


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 272 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if the vows both people took included forsaking all others (I think that means NOT HAVING SEX with others)

That's a very narrow view of the vow. The word forsaken means to cast aside or put out. This vow is about letting nothing come between you and your spouse and putting nothing before your spouse. If sex with others is agreed upon and done in a way that still keeps your spouse fist, you aren't breaking this vow at all.

As I said before I'm far more concerned with the concept of an open marriage as a cure for adultery. It sounds more like someone being pushed into it out of desperation. That is when open marriages kill relationships.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 483 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if the vows both people took included forsaking all others (I think that means NOT HAVING SEX with others)

Agree 100%. There really isn't anything ambiguous about the vow.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Emet
♀ New Member
Member # 42079
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with everything everyone has said.

Open marriages cannot start without a solid foundation first. It's about trust and honesty.

Infidelity CAN occur in open marriages also. But again...trust and honesty.

My marriage is currently open. PM me if you want.

But opening your marriage is not an answer to infidelity. Your relationship must be strong first.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thought of an open marriage is something a wayward spouse would throw on the table because they are having a hard time letting go of the marital vacation they had and also to justify their action. SCREW THAT! My FWW asked me about it and although it sounded tempting on my end, the answer was NO! Marriage is about commitment. You want to screw around then you should have thought about that before you got married. NO ONE put a gun to your head when you got married. NO ONE is putting a gun to your head to stay married either so screw plan B!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Rubyred
♀ Member
Member # 25454
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in an open marriage. It takes tons of time, trust, honest conversation, and work. My husband isn't the one who cheated on me. My other SO did after a 10yr relationship. I ended it right there for a very good reason. The trust was gone.

What people are telling you is true. If you don't have the trust and honesty to begin with, it won't work. If you need to work on the marriage, opening it up is like throwing a hornet's nest on the marriage. There are too many complications. Your partner hasn't been honest with you in the first place.

If this is something you want with all your heart, I wouldn't do it now. Repair your relationship. Both of you would need individual counseling and marriage counseling. There are counselors well versed in alternative relationships. Most regular ones aren't equipped to deal with the complexities and the philosophy behind them. Until all that is done, you guys aren't even close to ready. This process would take several years in my opinion. Do you have that in you?


8yr relationship
me-40y GF
him-30y old selfish ass
OW-22?24? yr old homewrecker
Dday-7/13/09
Separated 7/13/09

Posts: 97 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Massachusetts
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As Abbondad said, open M's aren't immune to infidelity. BH and I were in an open M with the caveat that we both had OW only. Sometimes together, sometimes alone, but always with 100% knowledge and permission. For the first 11 years of our M, I had zero interest in having OM. Suddenly that changed in me, and instead of proposing a renegotiation of our arrangement, I lied and cheated.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a very narrow view of the vow. The word forsaken means to cast aside or put out. This vow is about letting nothing come between you and your spouse and putting nothing before your spouse. If sex with others is agreed upon and done in a way that still keeps your spouse fist, you aren't breaking this vow at all.

I'd be willing to take a bet that the majority of people who "vowed" to forsake all others meant or felt this implied they would be monogamous with each other (in addition to the "letting nothing come between them" idea you mentioned. I suspect that even of those with an "open marriage" most of them decided on this after getting married (therefore, in effect renegotiating their originally agreed upon vows) and I stand by my OPINION which may or may not be a narrow view.


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
ReunitePangea
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Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, unless this was your agreement before you took your marriage vows then this is not ever okay, unless vows don't really mean that much to either party.

You are certainly entitiled to have this opinion and apply it to your marriage, however you do not get to define what you think is cheating or not cheating and apply it to other people's relationships. By your definition above, I would be a wayward, but I and my WW certainly do not see it that way and that is all that really matters. My guess is if I started posting on the wayward forum on SI as a wayward, SI mods would have a problem with that as well. Careful with what you are implying by the above statement.

Back to the original post - I am in an open marriage. I would never recommend to anyone to have an open marriage as a solution to dealing with a betrayal. Open marriages require a lot of communication and trust. Recently after DDay you have zero trust - it takes a lot of work to get to the point that this is built back up.

Most open marriages are not that simple that say we are a couple but we get to have sex with whoever. It is often much more than just rules such as always use protection - it is experiences that are shared on some level. An open marriage is not going to be a successful solution to the unfaithful partner, betrayal in an open marriage can still happen. There are examples of open marriages on SI that have had betrayal.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 481 | Registered: Nov 2012
wahoo8895
♂ Member
Member # 29244
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's late and I'm too tired to fully or propery respond. But I did want to chime in on how open marriage needs to be initiated and discussed well in advance of one partner wanting to add another partner. And it can only survive with total honesty, openness, and transparency.

FWW asked for an open marriage when she wanted to sleep with OM. I agreed because I feared she would choose him over me, so simply removed the need for her to choose.

I only later found out that they had been having oral sex for a while. I had caught her phoning/texting him. She denied anything had happened physically and asked to open the marriage. Probably to justify what she was already doing.

As another poster said, many open marriages originate because the cheating spouse wants to have the AP and their BS and the betrayed spouse (for whatever reason and many are valid reasons) cannot end the marriage.

On the trust/honesty/transparency issue: even after I agreed to the open marriage and set those as the ground rules, FWW was never fully honest about what she and OM did physically and, more importantly, what she felt (only towards the end did she ever admit that she in fact was "in love" with OM).

Also, the third party to the open marriage needs to be in on the discussions and accept the ground rules. OM refused anything that would "limit his freedom."

So, while I truly believe that, in the ideal, there is nothing wrong with open marriage, with human nature being what it is, open marriage is practically not feasible. It may work for a few, but not for most.

And in retrospect, I realize that what FWW and I had was not an open marriage. It was not initiated in good faith or honesty, and its rules were never followed. It was caking eating by FWW and stunned acceptance by yours truly.


Me - BH (47)
Her - FWW (46)
Married 17 years
Together 19 years
3 kids
DDay #1 - 12/8/09 (EA)
DDay #2 - 12/18/09 (PA)
A ended - 2/21/10
R'ed - 2/19/11

Posts: 542 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Metro DC
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can debate the merits or parameters of open M all week long, but that's not really the point of this thread. Not sure OP is coming back, but the majority (or possibly even unanimous) opinion here is that entering an open M as a response to infidelity makes about as much sense as taking up pot to kick cocaine. Clearly in her case, it feels more like the suggestion was borne of desperation or codependency.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Concerned  Posted: 6:02 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, it seems, the word open in this thread and marriage are oxymorons.

If polled, I would bet 99.9% of people would say forsaking means monogamy in marriage vows.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 669 | Registered: Jun 2012
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If polled, I would bet 99.9% of people would say forsaking means monogamy in marriage vows.

Made up stats are a lot more believable when you add a decimal point. I'd take that bet in a second. Most studies show that between 15 and 20 percent of marriages actively have some kind of swinging element. That doesn't include those who do it beyond closed doors or who have in the past but don't currently. Factor in the fact that all monogamous couples wouldn't believe with your assessment of the vow and it's a lot less then you think.

We can argue how many people believe it and how many do not. The truth is majority doesn't make it right. In 1350 99.9% of people thought the earth was flat. In 1750 most people were of the opinion that slavery was just. The problem with these beliefs are they were imposed on others and that is where all opinions become problematic.

The vow isn't about fidelity. Although fidelity can be a huge part of it. If you believe that sex should only be shared with your husband or wife then it absolutely does apply to fidelity. However, if you separate sex from the relationship then it clear does not apply.

Like what was said above, the problem comes into play when you try to use your opinion to shame others into acting the way you want. That is akin to forcing Galileo to change his views on the shape of the planet and putting him under house arrest.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 483 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 36
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