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Newest Member: Hurtingnnc (44284)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Seeking as much advice as I can get
♀ New Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help. Reconciliation is going well, WBF is doing everything I asked and everything right.I went through individual counseling and stopped when even the counselor agreed we could let it go with the option to pick it up if problems occur. I have had ZERO reason to distrust WBF since DD late last year. Our relationship is better than it was before the affair. I'm a lucky woman. So what's the problem? I can't get the AP/OW out of my head. She's taken up residence and lives there rent free. I can't stop looking at her facebook page and everything I can get my hands on. She's not a threat to my relationship any more. WBF has had NO contact with her, and (having seen a really ugly side of her since the end of the affair) I'm confident he won't. Why can't I get her out of my head? Is it just time that will make it less important? We had a history of text slap-fights, all initiated by her (ugly name calling on her side not mine), that have stopped. It's almost like I miss them. When she was firing at me I was certain she was in as much pain as I was. I WANT her to be in this much pain all the time. I WANT to continue it, it seems. How NUTS is that? I fight the urge to poke at her every day, because I KNOW how crazy that would be. Before I go back into the expense of counseling again.... anyone? I'm reading book after book on healing after the affair... and we're doing great with that part of it... but he has no idea what goes on in my head when I think about her, and I think about her all the time. We're entering the fifth month since dd. Has anyone else experienced this feeling?

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like it is easier for you to aim your anger at her rather than at the person that betrayed you. She is not the issue, he is. Take a look at your anger and your pain and get to the root of it. It most likely is not about her.

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4513 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I experience this also, everyday it has been two yrs since I found out about this ow who was around in my fwh life for 37 yrs. So you can bet I obsess about her. It's getting better but
still she is there like a bad itch. I will eventually let it go, I hope, maybe when I read her obituary.

Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I did for a while. The OW was a shameless social media addict and lots of what she posted was about my H and directed toward him in a thinly veiled way. So I felt like I was protecting myself by checking her feeds to make sure the A hadn't gone underground. But after a while I realized that checking up on her was making things much worse. I would be fine and then I'd check her feed and while nothing was really there, I'd feel so much worse for days. Finally I blocked her FB and have steeled myself against checking Twitter, etc. I JUST DON'T GO THERE. I would urge you to do the same. She doesn't deserve the head space and she's done enough damage. Time to stop ceding your power to her. You can do it. Every time you feel the urge, channel it into something else--write in a journal, post a nasty letter that you want to write to her here, vent, scream, whatever you have to do. I promise that the urge will diminish after some time.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 395 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like it is easier for you to aim your anger at her rather than at the person that betrayed you. She is not the issue, he is. Take a look at your anger and your pain and get to the root of it. It most likely is not about her.

tired girl hit the nail on the head. I felt anger towards the OW at first because she tried befriending me under false pretenses during the A with my WH. I've known her for 13 years since she was the gf (and mother of my good friend's daughter).

I won't lie and tell you that I wouldn't do a happy dance if I heard she died. But, I no longer let her take residence in my head aside from her being the AP when I think about the A. I focus on helping my R and M. I've come to the realization that it was my WH's fault for betraying me. Yes, the OW was a willing participant, but her role in the A was pretty sad really, my H used her as a cum dumpster. She didn't get any enjoyment out of the A (unless she enjoys being lied to and not receiving any sexual pleasure from my H in return for her blowing him).

Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 41
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 105 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fully understand what you're talking about. I was pretty obsessed with the MOW for quite some time following DDay. I too wanted to somehow know that she was miserable as well, and I especially wanted to know exactly what she was doing and with whom. It was like and unscratchable itch--I could reach the itch for a minute or two, but as soon as I stopped scratching, the itch was back. It almost drove me crazy.

So, after some significant time, I can tell you that scratching just spread the itch and delayed the application of a healing balm. In my experience, this "obsession" does fade over time, but it takes some mindfulness and active work on your part. Once you feel you are in a safe and committed place with your WBF, and you have all of your questions answered and are satisfied that he has done his work, I think it's beneficial to be very aware of where you mind wanders and where you invest your energy. For me, my energy was best spent on taking good care of myself and the healthy rebuilding of my M. Too much focus on the MOW just got in the way. (I need to be honest that to reach this "place" took me a good couple of years, if not more, but it was worth it for myself and my H).

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Apr 2008
♀ New Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all. I felt better just admitting it to someone. Tired Girl... I understand what you're saying, and believe me there was plenty of anger to be spread around. But I feel like there is less anger towards WBF because we are dealing with it and handling it. With OW I can't. Her texts and letter to me all called me vile names like I was the offender, and it was hard to not answer back. Zero remorse and almost a direct attack on me rather than an affair with him. But I do admit that I recognized her rants as a sign of pain and liked it. A perverse pleasure for me for a while... but now I need to try to get past it. I don't post a lot here, when I do it's because I need to hear from those who have been through it. Thanks.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 7

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