i understand. some of my wife's TT was because she didnt want to tell me (afraid she'd hurt me, afraid of the consequences, shame, whatever) while some was the "i dont know" or "i cant remember" variety. its taken us awhile to where she actually started to tell the truth and awhile longer before i began to accept that she might not truly know why or remember everything. the TT made it harder for me to believe her when she finally started telling the truth. id say the TT was more destructive to trust than the cheating, in a way.
there was never a period of time that i didnt want to be home. that wasnt an option - we have a 7 year old daughter.
plus, my mindset is different. i went into denial. im a former marine, loyalty to the smallest unit and spreading outwards is ingrained into our fibre (squad > platoon > battalion > usmc > country > world) so in my world my family was my smallest unit. i saw my wife, myself, and our daughter as a little unit - in a way. with my utter loyalty to it. to betray this loyalty was, to me, unthinkable. worse than betraying the country and more along the lines of stabbing the guy in the back who is sharing the fighting hole with you. completely unthinkable.
i crashed hard. emotionally and mentally. blackouts, shaking uncontrollably, crying fits, couldnt sleep, etc.
but i also learned that someone failing doesnt excuse my failing. so the idea of running away (which is what your betrayed partner is doing) didnt occur to me either. im a fighter and not a runner. i did spend more introspective time and did detach to a certain degree from both my daughter and wife in an attempt to preserve my sanity and to rebuild myself.
however, we are all different and react to extreme stress differently.
i cant say whats normal and whats not. i can only say what ive done and experienced and offer that to you as a guideline to help you. im sorry i cant do more. some have been around alot more than me and have more experience.
me - bh
her - lara01
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys