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User Topic: Alternatives to NC Letter
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Member # 30024
DOH!  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have decided to insist that he write the letter but that I will hold onto it. I still want it written.
I think this is a good idea. As much as people are poo pooing the idea of cray cray evil bitch OW's, I know they are out there. Many of us have been stalked for years. The OW in our sitch stalked and fished for FWH for 6 years after he ended the affair, and continued to stalk us and attempt contact with both of us for two years after d-day. A total of at least 8 years. BTW, FWH ended the affair after 4 years because he finally started to realize OW was cray cray. He was concerned for my safety. Not enough to warn me, mind you, because then he'ld have to tell me about his cheating. More important to cya than wife's safety, ya know.

We didn't know about NC letters after d-day as we didn't find SI until 8 months after d-day. By the time we found out about NC letters, OW had left us alone for almost a year, so we didn't send one as we didn't want to stir OW up. However, OW did attempt contact after a year of *crickets*. We finally had to send a NC letter. It has been almost 2 years now and, unless the hang up calls are OW, we haven't been bothered since.

Remember, you can always change your mind later and have a NC letter sent at that time.
I agree with Skan. But, you can have a NC letter ready and waiting if needed.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
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Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, sorry to hear about your situation. From your story I can tell that you are a very forgiving and accommodating person. I can see why you want to let him get away with not sending the NC letter.
I'm sorry to say that I agree with those who think that he is making excuses to not send it. And you're such a nice person you want to accept his excuses. I believe that he should be walking on eggshells for you, not her, because you're the party that has been hurt by his actions. He should do everything in his power to earn back your trust, and I believe this NC letter is significant since it will show his attempt to formally end the affair. Why is he so afraid of her? He should be afraid of possibly losing you because of his unwillingness to send a simple letter.
Logically, if she can accept the actual affair ending, why can't she accept a simple written statement confirming it is so?

Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
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Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking as someone who went through this for 9m and my H finally sent her th letter I can tell you it did nothing for us and I regret that he ever sent it. His letter was fair and he took all he blame for the damage caused to me. I loved how he worded it and felt no one in their right mind could freak out over the letter. Ow did though...she lashed out on ME. Not only trashed me but her new H took a turn too. Both threatening to meet me on person and even accusing me of sending the letter, followed with threats to charge me for harassing them. It got us nowhere and replying would have been worse. I was thankul he finally stood up for me and the M to her until the replies. Now I wish we had just let her stay *sleeping. There are OP who are not safe or rational to deal with. My H described his former OW as a rough around the edges lowlife. I wish I had believed him. I didnt deserve the personal attacks, being called every name in the book and being blamed for the A by anyone. I didnt accomplish anything for us but to instill fearof the people we had invited back into our world by initiating contact when they had quietly disappeared on their own. We have small children too and i now lock my doors always and look over my shoulder constantly. This person has enough history of violence and threats that Im not taking any cjances....I do wish I had listened to H, this was also something I clung to for my recovery and I do wish I hadnt. Just another perspective for you. I do realize there are cases where the WS embelishes the OPs bad side, after seeing the replies I got I would say WS had every reason to avoid sending NC. So yes there is a chanceyours has a g

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops! Yes there is a chance yours has a legitimate concern also. What if he wrote the letter for your sake and never sent it, would that be enough for you?

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H sent a nc letter right after dd. It was his idea. A year and a half later, I found them still talking on the phone and emailing. The letter is really only a symbol, he has to stand
behind his words. If you need the letter, I agree that you should have him give it you.

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 365 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask him this: what specific actions or things has OW done that leads u to believe she'd go nuts? See how he responds. If he is able to give u.concrete specific instances (non vague) of what specific words/actions on her part make him think she has that inclination, then Id go with your plan. If he balks, diuble talks, changes subject, lies, gives vague answer, then u know he's lying (and not sending it for the aforementioned reasons in my prior post.

B/c again his reasoning doesnt add up.

I do say, that sending a NC letter months down the road after a significant period of NC served no good purpose. It should always be sent timely.

Posts: 522 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ours was not a NC so much as a standing up for the M thing....I agreee if its for NC it should be done right away. My H just told her he was responsible for the damage he caused but that she didnt have to purposely hurt me further as the BS. He gave it time for emotions to cool. My H couldnt pinpoint why this one felt like she would be threatening, it was just a sense he got from her in their time together. Neither of us knew just how low she would stoop until she did. I dont believe he has to have specific proof to just get a sense that someone is a threatening personality. Ultimately I just offer another perspective cause Ive been there and can comes down to what you are comfortabl with and trust. In times after As trusting the WS is hard enough without having to decide if formally ending contact with the AP is worth it or not...such a double edged sword and there is no easy answer in these comes down to bringing in more unnecessary drama and risk or getting the sense of closure that you need. Hugs, its not an easy decision.

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 27
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