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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Conflicting feelings... Need input
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Question  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's only been 10 weeks and 5 days since D-day. Up until last Friday, I would miss my WH while he was at work, I couldn't wait to see him and hold him again! When he would text me, my heart would pound with excitement and when we held each other, the same! Love making was so intense!

Well... Since last Friday, I'm finding that is no longer the case and it scares the hell out of me! Am I rebuilding walls? Am I falling out of love with him? I'm so confused now! My WH has been doing and saying everything right! He hasn't said or done anything to make me feel this way! Do I still love him? Yes, I know I do, but that passionate fire went out inside me and I don't know why!

Am I going crazy, or is this normal? How can I get that passionate fire back? Please help!!!


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes completely normal. You may have started to more fully process what has happened and that leads to conflicting emotions. At first, many of us are desperate to cling to our wayward partners for reassurance, but back off a little (or a lot) once the reality sets in.

I don't know about you, but my mind was only prepared to take in a little at a time, and after about 2 months I was able to start peeling back some of the more painful thoughts and memories to examine them more closely. At those times, I definitely backed off from my H or lashed out at him (and still do to some degree).

Of course we can't know whether you've actually fallen out of love with him, but it's more likely that you're experiencing and will continue to experience a number of reactions to what you're mulling over in your head. R is like a continuous long-winding loop where we mentally keep coming back to the injuries that have so hurt us in order to make sense of them. Sometimes when reexamining these injuries things stand out in a different way, make sense in a different way, and it is hurtful to process. I find that once I work through some of that pain, I'm usually ready to reconnect. May take an hour, may take a few days or a week. Your H should be aware of these ups and downs and should be patient with you as you experience them. Keep talking to him to dig down into what may be holding you back from him. It's scary and messy but that's the process of R. ((LdyD))


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 554 | Registered: Jan 2014
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you veronique. My WH has been very patient and supportive of my ups and downs. Thank you for telling me this is normal. I guess I haven't absorbed and dealt with as much pain as I thought I had. (Rude awakening).


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have felt numb towards WH for a while now. I want to love him but can't find the feelings in my heart.

I wonder if due to the pain, my heart decided to go numb as a protective guard. If I can't feel love, then I can't lose love again, or if I'm not attached, then I won't feel loss.

Problem is, if I'm going to have a good marriage, I need to love again. I share the question of 'how to get the passionate fire back?'

WH has been hurting because I have seemed very cold and detached and pushing him away.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Branca))) I feel the same way. I'm fighting my natural instincts to put the wall up to protect myself. But I know this isn't the healthy way to R.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My abandonment fears have urged me to wall off too.

Lots if prayer, reading and therapy sessions have helped me avoid a very comfortable family pattern.

We didn't have HB. So I can't speak to that.

Love doesn't fall, it is a choice.

Forgiveness is a choice.

Trusting is ultimately a choice too.

We have more choices then we often realize. A valid choice is to NOT make a choice right now.

And that decision has proved every bit as beneficial as making a choice.....so don't lie to yourself and say "I have to make a choice now!".


Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4004 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you blakesteele. You really hit home with me on your reply. I have serious abandonment issues (FOO).

You are right about choices. I tend to forget about the choices I have when I'm feeling down. I struggle with taking my time (I know I'm not the only one that struggles with this, I'm sure we all do!) I guess I'll just have to take a deep breath and try to chill.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Up until last Friday, I would miss my WH while he was at work, I couldn't wait to see him and hold him again! When he would text me, my heart would pound with excitement and when we held each other, the same! Love making was so intense!

that's pretty intense for a fifteen year old relationship. Did he feel the same?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome.

I guess I'll just have to take a deep breath and try to chill.

Post when you find the key to this!!!!! I STILL struggle just "being still".

Prayer and being in nature help me do this.....but this is still a large struggle for me.....and I have practiced a LOT!

Understanding abandonment and it's affect on me led me to take some tests. Discovered much to my surprise that I have "perfectionists tendencies" and am also an "over achiever".

IC has helped me understand that I subconsciously became this in a vane attempt at building a "cushion" between me and the inevitable abandonment I "just knew was in my future".......

My wife choosing adultery exceeded my wildest anxiety with regards to the depth at which I could feel the pain if being abandoned again.

In a sick way.....something very good happened. Pain was so great it broke a subconscious pattern in me. it made me face fears far worse then I ever imagine.....and I survived!

Humbling I admit I did not do this alone......folks like you and other caring SI members, God, a couple RL guy friends and, most recently, my wife have and continue to help me follow through on this choice to heal.

Oh yeah......healing is a choice too

Peace.

Note "Healing Is A Choice" by Steve Arterburn was a valuable read for me. I highly recommend it.

So many choices......i was blind to these same choices in my pre-A life. I see more post-A........the light hurts initially but is warm and comforting......you just have to be still and feel it!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4004 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's pretty intense for a fifteen year old relationship. Did he feel the same?

Yes, after D-day he has and still does. Before D-day? No.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele, yeah... That chilling part is easier to say than do! Something that in which Xanax has to help me with right now!

You and I have very similar issues. I too have come to realize that I am a perfectionist and an over achiever.

I am extremely hard on myself and expect way too much of myself. (Caused from FOO issues resulting in Low Self-Esteem)

My H's A has forced me to face a lot of my fears that I have sheltered myself from my whole life. Including (and especially) standing up for myself. In the past month, I have faced several issues with other relationships (friends/business partners) and have finally stood my ground. Doing this has allowed me to realize that I DO have choices! That is very liberating to finally realize!


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the past month, I have faced several issues with other relationships (friends/business partners) and have finally stood my ground. Doing this has allowed me to realize that I DO have choices! That is very liberating to finally realize!

Rock on!!!!!

I, too, have witnessed this change in other relationships. In fact, the growth and improvement in those out paced that of my marital relationship.

I am sitting on my hands in staff meetings more than ever and revealing more of my true self to close friends. The result is MORE respect at work and a surprising willingness of those friends to show MORE of themselves to me!!!!

This works!

As I have come to learn and accept.....my modes of operation are not unique. They are common among people with similar pasts. My wife, a COA, has also learned what she thought was "her unique way of operating" is not.....it is similar to other COA.......I actually see it in my go-to male friend. He is a COA.

When you have the courage to reach out to others, expose broken parts of yourself......you often find you are not as unique, not as isolated and as alone as you once thought. When this is done in healthy ways it helps normalize your experience.

And it feels good to be normal.....not perfect.....just......normal.

Normal might equal whole???? Still new to this.....seems like I have had several people living inside me....::there's a block party going on.....and as these people meet they connect......and are merging into one. On a threshold here.....just haven't stepped over it completely yet. This the ????? At the start of this paragraph. IC said this would happen as I healed from my wife's affair and from old hidden wounds (wounds that FOO coping mechs masked).
Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:43 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4004 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it feels good to be normal.....not perfect.....just......normal.

Normal might equal whole???? Still new to this.....seems like I have had several people living inside me....::there's a block party going on.....and as these people meet they connect......and are merging into one.

Exactly!! I like that... "Normal might equal whole". That's all I've ever wanted in life. To feel normal and whole. See, I was born with a cleft lip/cleft palate. I have never been 'normal' I don't even know what normal means! But, to be whole and content with (and within) myself is all I've ever wanted.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LdyD: I read in one of the many recovery books that it is very typical after an A for the BS to have an extreme increase in libido and sexual attraction for the WS. This is part of the Bargaining stage of grief. Your mind is trying to form connections with WS anyway possible. Sex obviously a primal core drive. This is normal and happended to me as well.

Please be aware though that there are 5 stages of grief and you will likely spend time in each (and flip back and forth). I hope you are able to find the R you seek but u may be too early in the process to say this for urself for sure. That is ok also.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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