My XH sent me an angry, threatening, scary email the other night. He's going to sue me for defamation of his "character" and slander. I have never talked to anyone in his family and he lost all of his friends when he hooked up with OW. Not because of me. He said when he came back one time to get his stuff out of the garage in 2008 our neighbor just nodded to him and didn't acknowledge him like he did when he lived here. I have not responded. I've had NC with him since he walked out the door in March 2005, communication was only done through lawyers during divorce proceedings. I've been separated since 2005, divorce was final in April 2008. It's over. He has no more financial obligations to me. He waited until youngest was 18 to file to avoid child support but judge ordered he pay college costs since he was making a very high salary at the time of divorce. That was over in 2011. He's free! We had children and I left it up to them to make their own decisions regarding him and the OW, who he started bringing around three years before we were divorced and was definitely having an affair while living in our home according to my evidence. She wasn't the first. Kids are not stupid or gullible, he needs to learn this.
My daughter doesn't want to go to his wedding to OW in two weeks. He is furious with her, and now me. My son has decided to show up, and leave. He doesn't support it but said he's going. A wedding that I wanted no knowledge of, I am suddenly drawn in the middle of and being attacked. It's not my business, I really don't care what he does with his life but he seems to care about mine...a lot.
He said he is going to get "another" attorney (because I guess the attorney he hired for the back alimony he owed and I received last year didn't do her job) and take me to court and sue me for defamation of character and slander! Oh my! He said..."For eight years I've been listening and reading the bullshit, lies, inuendo, and halve truths about me on social media sites with people who know nothing of our marriage, me, you, or what transpired. I've kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to get in the gutter with you. It's amazing you take no part in the break up of our marriage..." (actually it's been nine since we separated but you know, when you are "in schmoopie love" time flies!)
There is much more to this email, he is mad!
Here's the thing...what social media is he reading? He doesn't have a FB account (or so we thought) and he's not my friend and I have never written publicly about him or our marriage. I'm actually pretty boring on there. I don't have a blog or anything like that. I have a Twitter account but I only write about tennis and tennis tournaments and that would be totally boring to someone who is not into tennis. That's why I got it.
Can I share the email if I block out names and details? I really need some advice on this. I'm a little scared and he has my daughter scared thinking he's going to drive down here and do something.
[This message edited by miadianna at 2:43 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]
Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)
When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today
If you have a concern about him coming near you or your daughter, then take his texts to the local district court and file a restraining order.
If he is going to file, then he will no matter what you say to him. You'll deal with it then. If he has evidence that you have said anything that isn't true, the let him show it.
Here is a summary of what defamation means...maybe he has no clue. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/defamation-law-made-simple-29718.html
Here is my favorite part: "Someone who already had a terrible reputation most likely won't collect much in a defamation suit."
So...it is scary when someone acts so aggressive towards you...trust me, I know that feeling, I have to deal with an X who appealed a ruling that threw her false restraining order against me out of court. But she doesn't want to give up her harassment of me. If I was hurt by her attacks (lost a job, etc), then I could probably sue her, but that hasn't happened. Your ex would not only have to show you are lying about him, but would have to show evidence of being hurt by the lies. A neighbor saying hi to him in a less than enthusiastic way doesn't seem to pass muster.
Hang in there. He's probably stressed about the fact that his OW is forcing him to marry her, and live a life of forced servitude to a woman he doesn't really respect, and who, he knows, will cheat on him once the marriage begins. Sad boy is lashing out.
He travels for work a lot and I imagine he is doing to me what he did to his ex-girlfriends while we were married. Finding them on the internet (he used to have a photo album of ex's and would sit in on the couch and look at them) and staring at their pictures for hours, thinking about them. He must be totally bored or something. He's getting married to OW, shouldn't he be busy doing other things?
[This message edited by miadianna at 2:56 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]
He kept saying how important this was to him and asked daughter to think of a "funny anecdote or story to share with the wedding party with a toast." My daughter doesn't even drink alcohol and she said "Oh if he wants a story, I have many." But she's definitely not going now.
She will be 25 years old next month. He keeps calling them children and sent me a copy of a "judge's opinion on how to talk to your kids about divorce and not to talk bad to them about the other spouse."
And OW has blocked me on FB even though I never knew she had one and never went on it. I've never seen or talked to her! I checked after his outburst and sure enough, she blocked me. So my daughter found an blank FB page in XH's name with no picture and no friends. So she blocked everyone from me and herself and blocked OW from her phone a year ago.
[This message edited by miadianna at 3:04 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]
Just ask him!
He's mad nothing is working to get DD to attend the wedding of the century. And people will wonder WHY? She didn't attend because he probably made a big deal about how his kids just love her and wouldn't miss his wedding! He is running out of options to get her to attend, so he'll hold you hostage (lawsuit) to get her to attend!
If you can't remember doing anything, then you've got nothing to hide. Let him pay court fees to sue you. When you get the court documents and send in your answer, file a counter claim that if he looses he pays all your fees.
It will depend on how desperate he needs to save face about dd being at the wedding.
If you give him this, he will always use you to control your DD.
See how far he takes it, and shut him down permanently! Only way to do that is legally.
I know it's worrisome, but his issue is with DD. He's mad he can't get his way, so he's bringing you into this to control her. It sucks for all of you.
For eight years I have been listening and reading the bullshit, lies , inuendo, and halve truths about me on social media sites with people who know nothing of our marriage, me, you, or what transpired. I've kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to get in the gutter with you or expose our children to a war of words that no one will win. It's amazing you take no part in the break up of the marriage.
I've watched as you have typed this poison and alienated my daughter from me, by squarely putting her in the middle. When you degrade me the kids read it. How do you think that makes them feel about themselves. After all when you ridicule me you also ridicule half of who they are. You choose to stay in the gutter, and you keep (daughter) with you. Is that fair to her. (How is he "watching" me "type poison" if I have no contact with him? I'm so confused. And where am I spreading lies and poison?)
I have never spoken mean spirited to either of our children about you. In eight years I have encouraged them to always remember your birthday and Christmas. To always buy you a present even though your standard line was you didn't want any. I have asked them to provide info to you on FAFSA that you would have been eligible for while kids were in school. I expressed sadness over your lack of commitment to getting training for a new career... (edited). In the end I discussed elements of divorce decree.
I'm tired, I'm done. You want to continue to play the victim go ahead. I'm going to hire another attorney and we can go to court and fight a slander defamation suit. Grow up!!! Get a job! Leave our children out of it and get a life. (Apparently I have a life but not the life he wants for me. I am temporarily working for my brother's business and do other things but I've never told him because he doesn't need to know.)
Gods knows with the almost $$$$ I've given you and $$$$ I paid for college (not you) as you've implied. No, you don't need money. Take another tennis trip on me!!!! (Um, he doesn't pay alimony anymore and I took care of his kids who he never visited and house and all family expenses with that money.I am a person who doesn't need a lot of money to be happy. I have been calm and content and living within my means since he left. I don't think he can understand how I can be happy without huge material things.)
(I had not gone on a vacation or trip in our 25 years married so when we divorced I started watching and playing tennis again and it's something my daughter loves too, so we started going to tournaments and have a great time. But nobody ever told him this, I've been NC since 2005! So he must be looking at photos on my FB profile pic that is public. I have no idea, but why does he care?)
For my part I'm going on my first vacation in eight years. (Well when you have to impress an OW who lives with you with fancy material items, expensive dinners, a huge $450,000 house and a boat, SUVs, motorcycle, tanning bed and new furniture, expensive engagement ring, a wedding coming up I guess so...) My daughter and I go on a few tennis vacations because we are very frugal, enjoy the simple things and save for it all year.
Here's a judges opinion I thought was interesting maybe you can learn something from it.
A Judge Talks to Divorcing Parents
“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.
No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.
That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.
I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”
Judge Michael Haas
[This message edited by miadianna at 11:48 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]
Your XWH and OW obviously need more drama (fuel) to continue showing everyone how it is them against the world and how they WILL overcome.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
If he tries to sue you (which I doubt will happen), worry about it then. If people are posting things on FB or other social media, it isnt something YOU wrote.
I think he'll be hard pressed to prove anything.
He's trying to scare you (and your DD) into doing what he wants. Ignore.
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.
Don't even acknowledge this with a response of "okay". This reads like the ramblings of an extremely disturbed, unhinged person. A bat-shit crazy person. The kind who walks down the street & barks at people.
If you still have an attorney I would pay for an hour of his or her time & bring this to their attention. This would be laughable if it weren't so completely mentally insane.
"Oh if he wants a story, I have many."
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 4:08 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Is he by any chance related to Toronto's mayor Rob Ford?
He is still probably wondering how I know he cheated. Not sure if I should still hold it or not. I have from more than one OW: emails, chats, an email from current OW/wifestress telling him to go to a treatment center for sex addiction when they were cheating (he never did) some photos I took out of his wallet of women he was messing with.
If it does, countersue and be sure to sue for attorney's fees. But get a real shark attorney for yourself; don't go it alone.
And I believe that during discovery, you can find out where he claims to have read all these things. Or admit he made all that up.
Your countersuit can then mention libel and slander on his part, since he has unjustly accused you of evil and criminal actions.
In fact, since your adult kids have been exposed to his poisonous lies, I believe you could sue for damages.
But until you get served, ignore, ignore, ignore. It's not real; it's the ravings of an unhinged NPD.
[This message edited by TrustedHer at 4:49 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Pretend that was caught up in your spam filter and you never saw it.
What a jackass. I'd like to be a fly on the wall should he ever actually consult an attorney about his "case".
What a jackass.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Now where do I start. First he says
I have never spoken mean spirited to either of our children about you
I expressed sadness over your lack of commitment to getting training for the new careers I chosen for you. In the end I discussed elements of divorce decree.
Did he even read the Judge's Opinion he attached? Not that there is anything wrong with what the judge said, but his inclusion of it is sooo condescending. Not to mention hypocritical.
And lets not forget the
new careers I chosen for you.
I am pissed off on your behalf at the arrogance of this POS! I totally understand your outrage. He must be truly miserable person.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I'm sorry, who is this?
[This message edited by miadianna at 3:11 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]
I know the email is upsetting, but you need to ignore it. He is trying to bully your DD by threatening you. But the sad fact is that she does not want anything to do with him. And there is no way he can take any legal action before the wedding and I truly believe this will go away after the wedding.
But I have to tell you what really caught my eye
In eight years I have encouraged them to always remember your birthday and Christmas.
When he had control over the kids via money he always forced them to acknowledge OW's bday and even attend parties at their house. That all stopped when he no longer had control and he is PISSED. And NOW DD won;t even attend the wedding of the 2 unicorn farting love birds??? How DARE she! Well, he will just... just... (and here is where is breaks down because he has nothing to hold over their head anymore --- so he attacked you).
If he actually does find a L who is willing to take on a frivolous case and file suit then you will know soon enough. Until then just ignore, like you have been doing for 9 years.