I'd say both too. Once I stopped lying to myself it was like all of the 'little' things I ignored over the years all hit me in the gut at the same time.
I felt so stupid, humiliated, hurt and so very betrayed. In a lot of ways I felt these things toward myself too.
Do not expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M. Remember he is further along this road to detachment than you are - they got a big head start on us.
I couldn't believe that he didn't even mourn the loss off his wife, his M and his intact family. I now see that that isn't a measure of my worth but of his.
One has to have a good heart in order for it to be broken. Black hearts don't really love so it follows that they also don't break.
The sooner you are out of his space and out of this crazy-making quicksand of his the sooner you'll stop focussing on what he is doing and you'll be able to focus on your future.
I spent so much time wondering what the hell he was doing and getting hit in the face with all of the lies I'd ignored for so long that I barely spent any time thinking about me and my future.