Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: Nexttome (45693)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: porn addiction
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah yes. I wasn't going to open this back up again, especially since you may find the following hypocritical. But honesty is my new mantra, so here goes. And this stuff is hard for me to talk about in open forum, so yeah, blah blah we're all supposedly anonymous, but still, you're real enough to me. Somewhere, someone is sitting in front of a computer, or on their phone, eyeballs on my innermost thoughts about my self-gratification. So I get some points for courage! (Not that we're keeping score)

Ok, so.. It's been an interesting experience. I realized how much time I had spent on it, and how it rewires your brain in unhealthy ways. While it was never an explicit deal breaker of hers, I did vow to never touch the stuff again. I did go 2 months cold turkey but I must admit I did have a setback or two recently, if you want to call it that. I felt ashamed at first for breaking my own vow but I've given it a lot of thought and decided that maybe that was an unrealistic vow in the first place. I don't regret the hiatus. It was time needed for me to put things into perspective and get that craving/need out of my system. But still, for me, that's still incredible because I'd spend all day every day in it. It's a lot easier to stay out of it because it doesn't do for me what it once did and it's difficult to get aroused when you know it's mostly/all fake and there's no intimacy involved, which is all I really crave now, ironically.

I think just as we were able to put our BS out of our minds to do what we did, we do the same thing with the people in the porn videos. They're not real. They don't sit and pay bills. They're not someone's daughter or mother. They have bodies that arouse us, or they're doing acts that arouse us. For me I'm not concerned with *who* the person is in the porn I'm watching and maybe that's a problem. I know the problem is that we see these acts and we fantasize about them and we feel our own personal lives should be that way, or we're comparing our own time in the bedroom with that of porn stars and our spouses can never live up. So I know it was a problem, and why it was a problem. But sometimes, the urge is there and I need that release. I would rather it be my wife and I would rather not look at the stuff. But I'm also trying to be realistic. I think it's possible to be happy and satisfied with your marriage and love life and still watch some porn and jerk off and not have it mean anything.

But full disclosure, I obviously did have a problem with it, so it's hard to say that my thoughts are completely unbiased.

I also don't think you (sorrowfulsoul) should get shot down by wanting to discuss it. I've said the same thing "Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu". As late as this advice is, I do think you should keep an open mind by his use of it, provided it's not excessive. You went away for a week, that's a long time for a man left to his own devices. Realize that it's hard and embarrassing to talk about, which is why probably why he doesn't want to. That's the thing our spouses don't understand. We love them. We really really do. We want to hold them, and love them, and make them feel good and loved and wanted. But, we also like the arousal of porn and the subsequent release. Maybe that's where compartmentalizing begins. Loving marriage in one compartment. Porn in another. I'm just thinking out loud here.

Honestly, I forget that porn exists some days, which is pretty amazing actually. It's kind of weird because BW still likes to look at random stuff on facebook and last night asked me, while we're lying in bed: "how's this dear?" I look over and it's a bunch of topless cheerleaders doing... well, I don't remember what they were doing in the video because it was topless cheerleaders. But I was like, uh huh, and went back to watching TV. Honestly, given everything, I don't know why she'd think it's ok showing me something like that.

So, perhaps it was unrealistic of me to swear off porn entirely. I also swore off alcohol and did abstain for about that length of time too. But then, BW wanted me to have a glass of champagne with her. She'd forbid me to drink when we went out, but I guess as time passes and we're healing and she sees me doing the work, she's also realizing that maybe that's not totally realistic either. I had dinner at her restaurant and she suggested a wine that paired well with what I was eating. So I ordered, and I enjoyed it, despite the red flag going off in my head "OMG, wine!". I realize these things require extra sensitivity now, given my past, but now that I'm cognizant of it, as is she, perhaps it's less of an issue now if it's in moderation. That's the big thing with me: when I turn things into an addiction. Excessive drinking. Excessive porn. Excessive facebook. Even excessive martial arts - feeling like I needed to prove myself against the younger folks, or feeling obligated to teach classes all the time. I swore off facebook too, but I'll check it every so often. Once every couple days. Sometimes BW will post on her restaurants page and ask me what I think of it. Sometimes there will be something on there I want to look up. But it's just a tool now. A glorified rolodex and newsfeed. I deleted most of the stuff from my timeline, all of my personal photos; BW had herself a big deleting party where she got rid of most of the people who I didn't know that well or who I shouldn't have in there (like female friends of hers). I no longer really care what other people are up to and doing. If only I didn't care sooner.
It holds no power over me now and, especially now that I got rid of the mobile facebook app, my smartphone usually sits idle, in plain sight. I'm not off in secrecy, checking for likes, or comments, or whatever, under the covers. My phone is a super trigger. I hate the fucking thing. (though it does have its legitimate uses).

My longwinded point, because I'm a longwinded type of guy, is that I'm trying to moderate myself in all things regardless of what they are, with special sensitivity paid to the things that got me in trouble before. From what I eat, to how much video games I play or TV I watch, to porn, facebook, alcohol.
In my wayward mind there were no consequences to my actions and I could do whatever I wanted, so I indulged at whim. I would also have no problem catching the eye of whatever cute girls I'd pass in the parking lot, or in the supermarket. And even after I'd get my look, I'd find a way to turn around and watch them. I'm still struggling with this one, and I know others have discussed this on here a lot as well. Sometimes I "white knuckle" it. Sometimes I get my look, but don't look again. Sometimes I don't even have to white knuckle it because I just don't give a shit. I'm there for butter, frozen peas, ground beef, and flowers for my wife who I absolutely love and adore.
It's like in the early days when I said "I'm never going to look at other women again! I'll look the other way" and I got a lot of because, you know what, they exist. You can't go through life avoiding the opposite sex entirely, and I'm not going to Tibet to join a monastery. I tell myself, maybe those girls are single and want to attract single guys. Maybe they're married and broken. Either way, yeah, nice legs but I don't want any part of that. Butter. Frozen Peas. Ground Beef. Flowers.

Anyway, it's a process. I know there will be some of you disappointed with my thoughts, but you know what, I'm the one that has to live with myself. I know there's ongoing debate about whether some porn is ok or not, or whether complete abstainance is the only way. Don't get me wrong, if it was a dealbreaker for her - had she said "if you look at porn again, I'm leaving you and taking our son with me.", then I would've installed my own porn blockers and probably sought out a certified sex addiction therapist and electroshock or whatever it would take. Because I'm NOT going to lose my wife and family over porn. I know my looking doesn't make her happy and I'm trying not to as a general rule, and I think that's good enough. And usually I don't even have to try, I just don't. When you make it not a big deal, it becomes not a big deal.

So we'll see. It has no hold over me anymore, and it's all the same crap every time, maybe I'll lose interest in it entirely. I'm also hopeful that increased alone time with BW will also result in decreased porn urges and, at 3 months out, it's understandable why we're not as intimate as frequent as we could be. Like Dr J, It's really only after some time of no release that I want to.

So, I'm definitely conflicted. I can see how porn can be wrong and unhealthy in so many ways. But I can also see how it can be unhealthy to have extra anxiety over it, to be made to feel dirty or ashamed over something we've biologically built for. I felt bad even masturbating after dday for a while. Porn is a dangerous area and I definitely am acutely aware of its effects having been wayward. I *am* concerned over the potential to fall into bad ways of thinking because of it. But if I watch some and/or masturbate, it's not going to deter me from my mission to be a better man, husband, and father. It doesn't make me a horrible person. I remain mindful, and self aware.

I wish I could give better and more resolute advice about it.

And you're right, not being addicted to things comes with a lot of free time and creativity. I'm working on decorating the house since we have a lot of bare walls. Putting family photos into frames and hanging them. I really am enjoying my life more and more in non-sexual ways.

-edited for typos

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 3:57 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 460 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went cold turkey on d-day, about 2 weeks ago, and aside for a very brief, and uh, incomplete setback I haven't given in to any of my urges, and those seem to be less now, quite frankly.

Anyway I *have* felt more motivated to fix things and accomplish things. I don't know whether it's because of this or because I feel great having no more dirty sordid secrets.

Selfish husband:

I hope it's okay to post here, no stop sign.

I respond to your posts because I am hopeful for your R. You seem a bit (healthy conflict) avoidant, but remorseful and on doing the hard work

Anyway, my point:

Sex addiction is just that, an addiction. So now that you have stopped, with one minor set back, you are finally detoxing from the neurotransmitters and hormones that were holding your brain hostage when you viewed it excessively.

Please continue to NOT view it. You will eventually no longer feel the need to view it. Without your brain clouded with all those addictive chemicals, it will be easier to focus and concentrate.

Here is a link that talks about the hows and whys of a sex addiction.

ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in a program of any sort? Cold turkey has a great chance of failure.

Do you have RL accountability partners? Not your wife, your choices have hurt her. Over time you can share your "urges" or "triggers" with her, but not right now.

What is your "trigger"? Isolation, stress, any of the big 6?

"Just sex" is not a suitable answer to why you used porn. If this is what you thought...dig deeper. I needed 6 weeks porn free before I could even consider anything but it was "just sex". Sadly, this is the lie I told my wife and had her believing. I believed it.

Porn is very prevailant in American society today. I had to tell several friends to stop sending me emails of this nature. Just today I googled for "nudu hat billy gibbons zz top" and then clicked on the "google pics". I got the pic I wanted...but on the 50 or so pics that appeared on my screen, a number of full on porn pics were there too. Not banners or adverstising....still shots of XXX porn. I clicked the window closed within 10 seconds...but it was right there!

We can't change society...we can only change ourselves.

I applaud your efforts SelfishHusband....but caution you this is more than a cold-turkey sitch. I strongly recommend a 12 step program....I like Steve Arterburns work in this area of temptation and addiction, but search around and see what works for you.

I also recommend finding male SI members to reach out to....I am willing to be one if you are looking.

It IS liberating to be free from it....16 months and counting. I was so immersed in it, used it so freely in my M with my wife I did not see it as the destructive force it was. I know this is my battle.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:16 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


what strikes me in your post is that you quit porn/alcohol for your BS and not for yourself.

You quit drinking, if this was your boundary why would you drink again?

You quit porn, if this was your boundary why would you look again?

Your BS may have been testing your boundary with champagne. Or she may have been feeling that she just wanted to have some sort of normalcy.
But either way at her request you violated your own boundary. So either you went against yourself, or this was not your boundary.

Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu

Yes, yes this is exactly what it means. Do you ever notice late at night when you are watching TV. a commercial comes on and you think "man that food sounds good" and you find yourself in the next few days thinking about that food. and then somehow you end up, out at lunchtime, happen to be by that restaurant and think you know I would like to try.... It is the same concept. Also in the recesses of your mind.
Every time you O while watching porn, you are:
1. building a connection with that person
2. reinforcing easy gratification
3. objectifying
4. setting an unrealistic expectation on sex

So in my opinion it is cheating. I have also noticed, for myself, that by abstaining from porn and masturbation I treat my BS better. Especially if it has been a long time. I find myself more attentive, and work harder to meet her needs in hopes of intimacy.

I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Posts: 825 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said Dr. Jekyll.

Selfish Husband your post reads like the Homer Simpson quote, "If something is hard to do it's not worth doing." Full of justifications and no personal accountability.

You went away for a week, that's a long time for a man left to his own devices.

Seriously a guy can't hold himself accountable for a week? A wife can't go away on vacation without worrying what her husband's own devices may involve. That's a very discouraging statement.

I've chosen to abstain from porn and masturbation for over 3 years.

My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Oct 2011
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you've given me a lot to think about and I will give it serious consideration. That's all I can say. Thanks for all your responses.

Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 460 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is wonderful that you are doing so much introspection on this issue. And I also totally respect that you are being honest here in your thoughts and your posting.

I have a couple of comments....these are from my own point of view

BH has basically said doesn't matter where you get the appetite as long as you come home to eat.
That is wrong. If you are getting all revved up by watching porn, or by a girl at the supermarket, or by anything other than your partner, then basically, you are just using your partner as a receptacle. Don't think we don't feel it when that happens. We know when we are the ones that are getting you going, or if you are just here for the release.

But I can also see how it can be unhealthy to have extra anxiety over it, to be made to feel dirty or ashamed over something we've biologically built for.
To me, that seems like a justification. "It is normal and natural for me to want to view porn or look twice at the girl at the checkout counter, so I am not going to feel bad about it." (If I am understanding correctly here.) See, it is also normal and natural to want to eat a lot of fat and sugar. We are also hardwired to crave those types of food. But if we give into those cravings, we end up with all kinds of health problems, so we have to learn how to deal with those cravings.

Same with porn. You are correct. The brain is hard-wired to want to see porn. The porn distributors rely on it to make their profits. They know exactly what to photograph and expose in order to get people addicted. Unfortunately, porn viewing does change the way the brain is wired. It makes it much more difficult to obtain intimacy with your real-life partner. And the pictures/images you view in porn do not leave your brain for a very long time. They tend to get "burned" into your memory, so those images may pop up at any time.

I guess there are some partners that are okay with their mate using porn to get them "in the mood" or to help them obtain release. It is easier and less work, at least for a while until you view enough of it that it doesn't quite do it for you anymore and you have to search for something else. But for me, it makes me feel used. I am with a partner for the first time in my life that has decided to stay away from porn and protects himself from objectifying others (it does take work and practice). But I can tell you that the difference in our love life is undefinable. I could never ever be with another partner who views porn again, because I really like the incredible intimacy and love that I have and I like feeling that he is completely 100% here in the moment with me and I won't ever settle again. I would rather go without at this point.

I am also really curious as to why your BW would show you topless pictures and give you alcohol. I think that is something that should be explored in honest conversation between you two.

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15385 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations on your continued sobriety [b]DrJekyll[/b].

M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad blake posted... I was going to PM and tell him about this thread if he hadn't.

Anyways... lots of good advice already given here. Just keep up with the battle and you will overcome it.

BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA

Posts: 420 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ New Member
Member # 43403
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank you, SH.

There was originally a link in the first post that led to a forum that then led to a TEDx talk about pornography and the brain. My BW showed it to me sometime in mid May. That talk opened my eyes to the fact that I really might be addicted to pornography. I contacted my local SA group and attended my first meeting at the end of May. I've found through some introspection, it definitely was a LOT more than porn that I'm addicted to. That said, I've now been sexually sober and pornography free one day at a time for 128 days.

I would have probably ended up in a program eventually, but I think that video sped my thought process considerably.

One thing I've been told is that if you think you might be an addict, you probably are. It's really not a tag most people want to stick on themselves. I would encourage you to be very vigilant with your use of porn. If you ARE an addict, it's very possible that you could escalate.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by FlawedBroken at 5:50 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

SA WH, 41
D-Day 3/9/14
Year long OA

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: NC
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. I've been giving it a lot of thought and appreciate the kind words.

Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 460 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
Go to :
© 2002 - 2014 All Rights Reserved.