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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Never Thought It Would Be Me
WSFool
♂ New Member
Member # 43312
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, it is - i had a ONS with a coworker while away from my longtime (8 year) GF. This is actually a 2nd transgression, as several months ago I engaged in an exchange of some inappropriate emails with another coworker (my GF found out about that one too and I should have learned my lesson from the pain THAT caused to have never allowed something even more disgusting to happen).

I always thought these were things that happened to other, weaker men - but with my horrid lapse of judgement we are dealing with the horrible repercussions - for her the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the loathing, and for me the guilt, shame and embarassment in knowing that it was my own actions and culpability that shattered a world that could have continued to grow into something even more meaningful.

I know probably everyone that has transgressed says the same things but it doesnt make it any less true in my case - I really did not appreciate what i had, the depths of my own feelings, the feelings that she had for me that were crushed so easily, the desire to have my life as i had it...i have never seen my priorities and my own behaviour in helping to create a less than optimal relationship that was susceptible to this type of mistake so clearly.

I know that there is no going back to what was - but I honestly believe our relationship could be stronger out of this...we did not communicate as we needed to on the level we needed to and we each have some deep rooted issues that would preclude either of us from being happy, regardless of the prospective mate.

She found out about the ONS 48 hours ago. it occurred last week and I was determined to live with the mistake, rather than doing the, perhaps, braver thing and coming clean. Her pure loathing, hatred, and disgust with me is, obviously, perfectly appropriate and deserved....yet, it still has a particular pointed impact when it comes from your best friend in life, the woman who you always imagined growing old with, and the one that you now realize was the only thing that mattered in the world.

We have tried to discuss what happened - I came completely clean with all the sordid details, number of occurences, etc. - and I tried to see if there was any cause to think that perhaps we could try and work through this...She can not even look at me, does not acknowledge my presence, and says that i have permanently destroyed any chance of relationship we could have...she can only see me with another woman and it, rightly, disgusts her....she hates me.

I see no hope - I really do want to try and make her happy. I want us both to go to counseling (something I should have brought up before these incidents because there were signs the relationship was not as solid as it should have been) and I want/need her in my life as my partner....I know that I would be a better mate (but that may be too little too late). I am not sure what she wants, other than for me to get out of her life.

I know she needs her rightful opportunity to express her anger, humiliation, betrayal, disgust, etc...I just dont know if there is any chance of that being an initial reaction that might be followed by something that may allow us to go forward.

We are still living in the same house (in separate rooms) and she does not look or acknowledge me when pass...I dont know if I should leave or stay...if I should try and open more dialogue (I have some already) or live quietly as a ghost...its a living hell and I can only imagine what it must be like for her - her only mistake being to trust me...

I look in the mirror and i STILL cant believe I did this - I dont know if I will get the chance to make this right or if i will only have the opportunity to be a better partner to another woman...either way, NEVER AGAIN...either way, I need counseling for myself to understand how I could behave this way when someone I love dearly is on the line...

I dont know if i am soliciting much in this thread - - i felt like i just wanted to get some of my thoughts and shame down, in the presence of others who might have relevant experiences.

Feel free to share any thoughts - thank you.


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2014
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, welcome to the place you never thought you'd be but you are. You have done a good thing by finding this place.

Infidelity is really hard to recover from it but it's possible. It's very hard to tell at D-day + 48 hours what recovery will ultimately look like. Right now you have to be more in crisis containment mode. Your BS just had the rug of her "what's true about her husband" yanked out from under her and you've seen what it looks like from the outside. The inside is probably even more of a mess.

So. Your first job, really is to take care of your BS in whatever way she needs you to, and expect what she needs to possibly vary wildly at any given moment. Reading the thread entitled "What every WS needs to know" which is endlessly bumped up here in the wayward forum is a good place to start if you haven't already read it. Giving your BS what she needs to heal will be a short, medium and eventually long term project.

Your second job is to spend some time learning about the true nature of infidelity and the impact it has on the people involved. SI and recommended reading are great resources for that. Short to medium term project.

Your third job is to figure out why/how you were able to do this. That takes time and digging around in your own mental processes of decision making, beliefs, perceptions, relationship to specific emotions and the like. Medium to long term project, critical if you don't want to make the same destructive choices in the future. Become a safe and worthy partner.

So you have a lot to do. Your outlook seems to be pretty good, though, all things considered. You are not much blaming her for your choices. A lot of us showed up here thinking we cheated because of what other people did or how other people made us feel. From my perspective you have a good chance being capable of doing your part of the healing.

Probably the Healing Library (the link is in the yellow box on the upper left) is a good place to start.

You will get much support here for your process.

Welcome, from this EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
bluejay21
♂ New Member
Member # 43137
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in your place as well and understand how you are feeling. Been three weeks for me, but there has been progress, it will just take time. If you think it is worth it, you will give her that time she needs. Counseling is a good idea for you, for her and together. I to have been trying to figure out why I did such a stupid thing to put myself in a position to lose the one the that I love and need in my life. Don't give up.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: bluejay21
WSFool
♂ New Member
Member # 43312
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for your thoughts.

its difficult to know how to be supportive, as my BS isnt telling me what she might be feeling - so, i just try and be at home every so often asking if she would like to try and talk about anything...its the only thing i can think to do.

i know its VERY early days, and i know there will be many, many months-to-years of ups and downs, if I am so fortunate to get a 3rd chance...even the faintest glimmer of hope at this point would be like the sun...especially when all that is coming right now is 'never' 'no' and 'its over'...i KNOW it cant be any other way, right now...but even the faintest glimmer.

im also wondering how others that went through similar process handled it, physically...ive had a tough time getting any food down and am sleeping about 1-2 hours of intermittent sleep at night...the nights are the worst, as the depression and despair kick into overdrive...


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2014
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSfool
im also wondering how others that went through similar process handled it, physically...ive had a tough time getting any food down and am sleeping about 1-2 hours of intermittent sleep at night...the nights are the worst, as the depression and despair kick into overdrive...
It will pass. Right now you're in an emotional war zone and your body is responding the way it is designed to. Survival mode. Vigilance. Normal patterns of sleep and hunger are disrupted.

Recovering from infidelity is a short, medium and long term project. You're at the start, so start with the short term survival stuff. This can be applied for your BS as well and you can help.

Food and water. Critical, even if you don't feel like eating. Smoothies, protein shakes, even just a big glass of milk, if your digestive system can handle it, can be a source of quick nutrition and water. Stay hydrated.

Move. Short walks can be helpful. So can stretching.

Mindfulness. This is going to be a really important skill. It's about learning how to stay present mentally even though something is difficult or painful. Learning how to stay present can impact every area of your life in a positive way and eventually can be a tool for figuring out your "why".

Again, section 2 of the post entitled "Things that every WS needs to know" has a lot of good practical advice on things you can do right now to help your BS deal with the early stages.

It seems like you're already aware of it, but I'll emphasize here that recovery from infidelity is a long process. The timescale is years. The complete mental and physical disruption you're feeling right now will pass and you will settle in to a kind of new normal. You guys will probably be riding the roller coaster of emotions for a long while. It's just part of the process. So start reading, post here, ask questions, vent if you need to, expect people to call you on your stuff and, well, just step onto the path of healing is all you can do.

Prepare to evolve. You will get much support here.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
WSFool
♂ New Member
Member # 43312
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you so much ES!

i will look at the resources you suggest. my BS is also listening to me a little more today and actually looked at me when speaking - thats a glimmer for me!!


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2014
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might want to consider directing your BS to this site if you haven't already. I have seen a lot of BSs on Just Found Out expressing how much this site helps them bear what they are going through in the initial stages. It could be a valuable resource for her.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
WSFool
♂ New Member
Member # 43312
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, i thought of that when i saw that Sub-Forum...i think i will suggest it - she may not visit but at least offer it. TA

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2014
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want us both to go to counseling (something I should have brought up before these incidents because there were signs the relationship was not as solid as it should have been)

You're not alone. I wish I would have had the courage to do this before.

I lost 15 pounds in two weeks. Only slept with the help of drugs. Same with BW. Try to take care of yourself and your BS. Know that none of this is uncommon, and that you'll get through it.

I need counseling for myself to understand how I could behave this way when someone I love dearly is on the line...

^^ this

Hang in there.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 9

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