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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what does closure look/feel like??
FlySomeday
♀ Member
Member # 35150
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so thank you all you SI friends out there who weighed in on my last post about moving on without the closure and about that internal process. I get it. I do but now I'm just curious about what it looks and feels like to all of you? Was there a defining moment or when did you realize you didn't need it anymore? Just curious as to everyone's experience with this. Thank you all.

-Fly


Digging Deep in the Mud

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Virginia
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No clue. I do not believe it exists in a tangible form from some sort of "event". More like a state of mind you must find on your own.

Think in the line of acceptance.

I have yet to have a relationship end with "closure".

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I saw 12000 text messages on subpoenaed work phone bills, I knew I had seen all I could handle.


He had said he wanted to come back and I told him I wanted it all,,, he had to go to counseling,,, and he didn't do that to save his family. I really don't want to be married to that type of man.

Closure has really come for me completely in the last week - XWS bought a 200000 house with the woman he said he wasn't seeing.
About the same time, I realized, I have been doing all of the kid rearing, family deal by myself for years,, he was just "there". He never treated me like anyone special and I realize I am happy w/o him.

Also I got a good retail job and I love being out in the world. My bosses are really fun and it's brought up my self esteem.

Also, my friend's husband died about 5 years back and she is raising her kids with calmness, and it's an encouragement to me.

So, closure kinda feels like: It happened, I know it happened, I can't change it, I can move on.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Jan 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it is the ability to let things just roll off really quickly. Even if he does something stupid, it rolls off my back.

I still feel anger and frustration to be dealing with an asshat, but the feeling is fleeting.

I look forward to other parts of my life. I don't feel constant sadness, but much more joy and lightheartedness. There was no defining moment. I do remember the first time I laughed out loud with true joy post S. I remember the first date. It was a slow turning to happiness, not a defining moment.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Cool  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was when all the legal issues had been dealt with (we had no children together) and I could finally say the marriage and infidelity was in my past. At first it was a very recent past but I was on the other side.

Indifference came at about 2-3yrs after dday and separation.

My personal closure was a process and at times a very slow process. Don't ever compare your healing timeline with others' timeline. That is probably the most valuable lesson I learned in the 6yrs since dday.
Hugs and the rollercoaster will let you off for good.
Promise.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20341 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My personal closure was a process and at times a very slow process. Don't ever compare your healing timeline with others' timeline. That is probably the most valuable lesson I learned in the 6yrs since dday.

I agree with gma, closure is extremely personal and we all have different definitions of what it means.

I'm 3 years 4 months since Dday, and 3 years since D was final, and I'm only recently starting to feel what I define as closure, and it's still a gradual process. But I am now off the rollercoaster, and it is WAY easier now than it was.

So, if nothing else keeps you going, just know that time, especially with some personal effort like IC, really helps, and eventually you will feel so much better than you do now, whether you define it as your closure or not.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4442 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, 'closure' is the 'closing of that chapter in my life.' Like College and life before kids, my marriage will not return. It is gone. And once I started making new dreams and goals for my life, I was truly starting a new chapter. Now all I have to do is finish up the legal part of the D, and I'll really be free to move on.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1626 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like the word, 'closure' because it sounds like there is a definite time when you let go, or things resolve. If I had expected that, like an event, I would have been disappointed. My experience has been a long slow process of many incremental shifts. Some degrees of letting go so small I didn't notice at the time.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5782 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure I am totally there yet but I feel SO much better now that my divorce is final, our marital home is sold and I bought a new place for me and my kids. Closure is that the cheating and my old life is over!! My NEW life is finally here and I am enjoying my new self and my new surroundings. The financial and legal aspects are now over and I can relax and work at my new life and my happiness!!

And I can honestly say that I have not felt this kind of happiness is SOOOOO long!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when i just didnt care anymore. their name didnt cause me to have tension, I didnt need to see any info on them or spy. when I heared they were dating maybe and I just laughed or didnt give a crap.

also, when I was happy with myself and life.

closure is even if you dont forgive them but you just dont think of them much


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it comes in small increments. Not a great big clap of thunder. Or highway sign with big writing in the sky. But things that occur in daily life may start to change.

For me, it is pleasant realizations that occur once in a while, that something x or ow did doesn't bother me anymore. Or triggers that aren't so bad.

Also, closure comes when I can say a permanent good bye to something, like the house or other things I lost. And think of them again without a tear.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 11

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