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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Living in the "now" - realistic?
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see very clearly how I have tried to control my husband, fix his issues, control our future... it's pretty much been my full-time job for 29 years! Letting go of it is terrifying!

May I ask, from one co-dep to another, have you addressed the reason why you have done the above for 29 yrs?

But somehow I want MORE. I want to look at him and know that it's okay to visualise a shared future.. that I can safely picture us retiring together oneday, that I can look forward to growing old together.

I would say the word "safely" above stands out to me. Besides the A which is just the top of the iceburg to a BS, what else has your WS done to make you feel "unsafe" thruout your marriage?



Posts: 5648 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...should have read thru the post as many people gave very good answers to you.

quote]Safety for me is the word. Not from someone who hits and beats me, well not in my sitch anyway, but from someone who selfishly chooses things that impact us financially, someone who has no clue what to do with money, someone who when we are out whether at the grocery store or the hardware store or a flea market ALWAYS wants to buy something. Yet never once looks at the bills or finds out about a 401K plan, or a savings plan for a vacation, or for his retirement. [/quote]

So as others have said, thruout your marraige were you always the one to clean up his messess?


Posts: 5648 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I ask, from one co-dep to another, have you addressed the reason why you have done the above for 29 yrs?
We've addressed it a lot in therapy. It's something that started many, many years ago - FOO related - and I think that's why it's such a hard habit to break. It's behaviour that's not only reserved for my marriage. I have this drive to keep everyone on an even keel, keep everyone happy, make sure that x isn't offending Y... it's exhausting and stupid. I am working on it!

I would say the word "safely" above stands out to me. Besides the A which is just the top of the iceburg to a BS, what else has your WS done to make you feel "unsafe" thruout your marriage?

YES! Well spotted. Safety is a huge issue for me. And yes, I have been cleaning up his messes since I was 17. So I am pretty much always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Having said that, in the years after his A ended and before I found out, he was a LOT better. No big dramas for about 7 years. He says that he had realised the value of our marriage and his family and had made up his mind to "clean up his act". I, of course, had no idea why, but I did see the change.

Ultimately, I guess I have to keep watching his actions, hope that he really HAS changed. But at the same time heal, address my own issues and build my strength. Because if he stuffs up one more time I WILL be leaving.



BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 966 | Registered: Oct 2012
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been cleaning up his messes since I was 17

What kind of messes?

And trust me your story is so close to mine it is weird.

I am in the process of trying to figure out why I stayed with someone who created these "messes". What was my payback in my mind after I "cleaned" something up. Or in my mind things got "better" for while.

I have also used the phrase in my own sitch that it seems my WS seems to implode our life every 5 to 7 years. That things seem to be OK for a bit and then he does something else hurtful to me or our finances.


Posts: 5648 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the wisdom in this thread! I am jotting key phrases down in my journal. It is really helping me.
Sorry I have no insight to add, I am still the student in this subject.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Topic Posts: 45
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