SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just started reading After the Affair, I'm a few pages in and I read this sentence

"The affair marks the passing of two innocent illusions - that your marriage is exceptional and that you are unique or prized."

A thought went through my mind as I read those words...

'Who the hell thinks like that?'

I checked myself. I stopped reading and I'm trying to figure out why I thought that. Why is that concept completely alien to me?

Feeling very, very broken right now. I'm in the middle of tackling my ED with my IC right now which is bloody hard going. As well as supporting BH with his anxiety. And the crap just keeps piling on.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't lost focus. I know I can do this. I'm pleased that I managed to check myself, that I'm aware of those thoughts and have interest in exploring them and determination to changing them.

It's just really messed up.

I remember a thought that I had about a year into our R after what I did. I remember thinking how in the hell did I ever think that I could have a normal happy M after what had been modeled to me as a child? I really had thought that I could just go out and do everything opposite of what they had done and I would get it right. The fact that I had screwed up so epically was proof that I was so dead wrong!! And that one thought left me breathless and sobbing. And broken. Just like how you are feeling right now.

What I can tell you is that you will have more of these, and they will give you insight into what is going on with you and what you have been thinking and what thought patterns you need to change. These are huge stepping stones for you, even though it feels like it leaves you broken for a bit. That feeling won't last forever, I promise.

You will get through this, I know it feels very overwhelming right now. One day at a time. Big hugs.

"The affair marks the passing of two innocent illusions - that your marriage is exceptional and that you are unique or prized."

I didn't think like that, my BH did.

I've since then literally grieved feeling for that back from him. Then I had to accept that he will never be that again. Why? I ruined that for him.

I'm having a rough day too. Wanted to speak up and let you know that you have been heard and are not alone in this. One thing about not being, unique is that others have been here and can give advice on how to help heal our marriages.

((((BBT))))

That's what I mean wheredoigo, BS' think like that. Normal people think like that. I don't.

I have never thought of myself as unique or prized nor of my marriage as exceptional. So that's why I thought 'who the hell thinks like that?' Because I can't relate to feeling like that about myself or my marriage.

That's why it's messed up.

Thanks TG. People like you are the reason I love this site. There is always someone who has BTDT and come out the other side.

It's so reassuring :)

"The affair marks the passing of two innocent illusions - that your marriage is exceptional and that you are unique or prized."

A thought went through my mind as I read those words...

'Who the hell thinks like that?'

This was the first book I read after I learned of my H's A. It was recommended by my IC. I remember that passage, because I too stopped on it. It broke my heart. You see, I did see our relationship as 'special'. I did think he thought I was unique and prized, or valued.

Very, very gently - I find it interesting that a BH feels this way, and a WS does not. I wonder if a WS needs to 'break' the feelings that start in the beginning of any relationship in order to have an affair.

NOTE: NO JUDGMENT - I'm simply curious, as it's been mentioned that a BH thought this way, and I'm opening up that this one sentence really hit me like a ton of bricks, and yet the WSs say that they don't think like this.

I think all people think like this in the beginning of a relationship - hormones, chemicals, what have you. I wonder where this thought ends in the mind of a WS.

I never believed I was special, unique, or valuable. If I am not, how can my relationships be?

But of course, there was and is the part of me that believes our relationship still is. I know it's likely a symptom of messed up WS thinking.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 7:07 PM, May 5th (Monday)]

painfulpast

I wonder if a WS needs to 'break' the feelings that start in the beginning of any relationship in order to have an affair.

In my own case it was more like I just never really thought that way in the first place. I think I looked at people more as reflections of me and as sources of feelings. In that sense I treated them as if they were modular. It did not seem to be a case of having right wiring and then breaking it to be able to cheat. More the reverse. Being able to cheat because of having lousy wiring.

I had a weird moment recently while reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. He gave a whole list of what NVC is not and at the end of it I thought, "Well hell, what's left?" Seriously. It was like he was speaking Martian that there might be some way to communicate other than what was listed there.

I just started reading After the Affair, I'm a few pages in and I read this sentence

"The affair marks the passing of two innocent illusions - that your marriage is exceptional and that you are unique or prized."

A thought went through my mind as I read those words...

'Who the hell thinks like that?'

I checked myself. I stopped reading and I'm trying to figure out why I thought that. Why is that concept completely alien to me?

Feeling very, very broken right now. I'm in the middle of tackling my ED with my IC right now which is bloody hard going. As well as supporting BH with his anxiety. And the crap just keeps piling on.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't lost focus. I know I can do this. I'm pleased that I managed to check myself, that I'm aware of those thoughts and have interest in exploring them and determination to changing them.

It's just really messed up.

Hi BBT,

I remember reading that quote in the book a few months back and wholeheartedly agreeing with it. I know I have narcissistic tendencies, but I really did feel that my marriage was exceptional and that I and her were unique and prized.

My BW is the most amazing woman that I have ever known and she is the smartest to boot. After digging deeper into my mind regarding all of the ways we were great and unique together, I just shake my head and ask, "Why did I ruin her?" with continuous lying and deception?

I wonder if a WS needs to 'break' the feelings that start in the beginning of any relationship in order to have an affair.

This is what I plan to explore in IC.

My feeling at the moment is that I have never felt like that but I want to dig deeper into it.

"The affair marks the passing of two innocent illusions - that your marriage is exceptional and that you are unique or prized."

A thought went through my mind as I read those words...

'Who the hell thinks like that?'

I totally know what you're saying. I've suffered from low self esteem from pretty much as long as I can remember. Compliments make me uncomfortable because I almost always feel like I'm being made fun of. So weird that a sincere compliment can be twisted into an insult in my mind. So mostly I've always just felt sorry that my BH got stuck with me instead of someone who would've been better. And this was pre-A. Now I feel like that even more.

It's amazing the things I couldn't see before and now can see so clearly regarding my marriage. It wasn't perfect, but no marriage is. I think that's what I had trouble with. We're living in the time of fairy tales and shiny sparkly social media edited lives. It's easy to look around and think, everyone else is so happy! Everyone else is so in love! Everyone else is having romantic dinners and mind blowing sex on a nightly basis! Obviously, that's not the case, but in my tunnel vision, it's all I could see. The reality is that everyone has their own joys and struggles. Mine aren't yours and yours aren't mine and that's okay. I just wish I could've gotten my head out of my ass before I threw a bomb on our lives.

Had IC session today and basically read this post to my C. I said I wanted to dig into whether I was re-writing M history in order to justify the A or whether I had always thought that way.

C said...

Both are entirely possible and it's a sign of my progress that I'm checking thoughts like this.

Then she said...

'BBT, what happened six days after your wedding to BH?'

BH went out and used drugs, lied about it and then when I had proof he blamed his using on me.

'BBT, what happened five weeks after your wedding?'

BH walked out on me and our six month old son because he couldn't cope with my PND (PPD). He was gone for six months and he had a sexual relationship with a co-worker during that time.

She said she thinks I am too grounded and have experienced too much to think that any marriage or any relationship is exceptional or perfect. She also thinks that my self esteem issues are too deep rooted for me to believe that I was special or valued so I cannot relate to that thinking. She says these are also the reasons why I do not trust anyone 100%. It's up to me to figure out whether that's a bad thing or not.

She also reminded me that until recently I had no deal breakers, I loved unconditionally. I had no boundaries, with BH or anyone else. I didn't expect to be treated well so there was no disappointment if I was.

None of this relates to my A, it's just a deeper level of my broken. I feel angry with myself today for not fixing myself sooner.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:17 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

She also reminded me that until recently I had no deal breakers, I loved unconditionally. I had no boundaries, with BH or anyone else. I didn't expect to be treated well so there was no disappointment if I was.

Wow. That really spoke to me. I am the same way. As a matter of fact, backing up a deal breaker is the scariest thing in the world to me, so therefore I've never really had one.

Tell me about it wheredoigo! I have them now, I know sticking to them if the time comes is the best thing for me and my children. But I feel guilty about having them!

She said she thinks I am too grounded and have experienced too much to think that any marriage or any relationship is exceptional or perfect.

Respectfully - I don't think that thinking your relationship is 'special' or that you are valued by your spouse means that a person isn't grounded or hasn't experienced much. I know it was your IC that said this, but I think it's a sign of his/her pessimistic outlook. The experiences in my life are the kind I wouldn't wish on anyone. That's why it hurt that much more. I thought I had found in my WH a person that saw me as more than the sum of my experiences and my background, and that he wouldn't hurt me the way he did.

Again - I know it's your IC that said this, but I think it's crap, and insulting to anyone that thought they had a 'special' relationship with their spouse - which imo, a person should have.

But I feel guilty about having them!

Me too!!!

t/j

I actually just sat here thinking…have I really ever had one?

Then I remembered. I did. It was back when I was "healthy" of sorts.

I am a fBS from my 1st marriage. One of my deal breakers I told my now BH before we married was that no one would ever treat my DD any less than how I treat her. That was a deal breaker.

However, as she grew, my BH found resentment in her as a projection of the lack of accountability my xWH had in monetarily taking care of our DD.

He was not kind to her in many ways and would often put his DD (who I claim as my own) before her…and allow his xWW's family to walk all over my DD.

In the end, because of my lack to implement my deal breaker, it not only caused pain for my DD, but caused resentment to build up toward my BH. It later became one of the excuses for why I A'd. (I know now that it wasn't him. It was me.)

end t/j

One thing I am struggling with now: Is setting deal breakers as a WW being selfish?

Maybe I should start a topic on this to see some feedback? What do you think? I don't want to take over your thread.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 10:45 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

Hi All.. Thank you for the post and the replies. This particular post has helped me to put into words what my H has been trying to say about his life expectations. Having low self esteem as a result of many FOO issues, my H did not feel that he deserved happiness.

Now he is sad and guilty that he has ruined

the illusions - that your marriage is exceptional and that you are unique or prized."

She said she thinks I am too grounded and have experienced too much to think that any marriage or any relationship is exceptional or perfect

BBT - I understand what your IC was saying. You have life experience that would/should lead you to think/know that relationships are never perfect.

Again, I want to stress how much I appreciate the courage that you all show by opening yourselves up on this forum.

PP - I think I should clarify what she meant because I can see how that comment can come across.

My mum had an A. I grew up with parents working in the public sector with criminals. I have had a rocky relationship with my dad. Been in an abusive relationship during my formative teenage years and my M with BH has not been smooth sailing.

My C was saying that I have known since I was very young that people are flawed, that none is perfect and that no relationship is immune from hurt and pain. Of course, all relationships are special and unique, by their very nature no two are the same. We tied it in with my trust (that I don't trust implicitly) and that specifically for my outlook because of my own experiences, anything is a possibility.

I don't think that BS' are naive or expecting a fairytale. Of course one should expect fidelity, respect and there should be trust.

This is just about reframing my outlook, examining everything about me. I'm trying to fix all my broken, not just the stuff relating to my A.

WDIG - t/j's welcome! I find bouncing ideas and sharing experiences helpful.

I'm sorry you and your daughter went through that.

A perfect example of my lack of boundaries in all areas of my life is with a friend of mine. She started a new job and I agreed to look after her little boy after school until she finished work. Her little boy had behavioural issues and was a real handful. With my own kids and a newborn, I started to really struggle. Every day was a disaster, he would destroy toys and household items. He even tried to kick my newborn son as he lay on his play mat.

I was in tears every evening, stressed and anxious. My own children were disrupted by his presence in the house.

Did I speak to my friend about it? Did I tell her I couldn't cope? No. I was too scared of upsetting her and hurting her feelings. So I managed as best I could until she found a permanent childminder.

I should have put my family and myself first but I just didn't know how to enforce those boundaries.

One thing I am struggling with now: Is setting deal breakers as a WW being selfish?

No, I don't think so. When you're in R you should be working at having an equally respectful and communicative marriage where both spouse's feel safe, appreciated and loved. Having boundaries is part of that.

I think having boundaries and dealbreakers is part of your personal growth and is especially important if low self esteem and self worth is part of your 'why' for the A.

TBM, glad you find it insightful :)

It is very scary opening up to other people and revealing just how broken you are. But I feel safer here than anywhere else and it's all part of the healing process.