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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My stand to my WH "get your head out of fantasy land."
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're doing better than you think you are, CSITD. The convo you had with him about which room to sleep in and why should be a script for other BSs. IF your friend is really your friend, she will understand the kind of pressure you are under and be there for you anyway. And from what I've read, everyone fails at 180 some of the time.

Carry on, girl. Your cheerleaders are proud of you!


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
CryingGreenEyes
♀ Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He failed you, you haven't failed at anything. There is no carved in stone play book for BS's to deal with this crap! What works for one of us may not work for another. You are doing great!

You don't see it, and you don't realize it but you're doing better than many of us did early on. Keep doing what you need to do for you. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back, but you've still made progress.

HUGS to you! Don't give up on YOU. If he doesn't want you to give up on him then it is up to him to show you that you are what matters!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: United States
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@yearsofpain25, @krsplat, @CryingGreenEyes
Thank you for you support. I won't lie. The last 36 hours have been ugly. I even had a minute when I sat down and just thought it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here. Period.

Then my DS came in with a picture he had drawn with the message "I love you mummy. Don't be sad. I'll look after you." It was the biggest slap in the face and the best medicine. Ever.

If WH can't give a fcuk about his family I'm sure as hell going to give my DS the best mum he could ever wish for.

Fcuk WH. I. AM. DONE.
This seems to be the theme of tonight. I've just finished reading SWATs thread.

I have a solicitors appointment on Monday. I'm going to go and, as you call it, get my ducks in a row.

I had my first IC this afternoon. I'm going back next Friday. I will look after ME.

Until then I'll be civil. I'm not going to stress myself out with 180. DS and I are out for most of the day Saturday. WH is out most of Sunday.

When I have 'collected and ordered' my ducks, I'll slam down a 180 so damn hard he'll find himself over the Atlantic without needing a passport.

Please keep on with all the good advice until I succeed! Even if I know what I want, this isn't easy for me. And WHs response is not going to be nice.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in a place where I can give a proper response but wanted to let you know that I'm very sorry that it has come to this for you. Thinking of u and of course will be around for support


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also glad to see you getting the chance to take care of yourself and your son.

Also, don't let him know about your appt with the solicitor. Again, sorry it has come to this. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to stress myself out with 180.

Good. Focus on your plan and to hell with anything that adds extra stress (I know some of us women tend to hold ourselves to high standards which add extra stress and it's just silly). Sometimes, even our well-intentioned resolutions end up dragging us down if we experience them as stressful additional demands on us. For example, for me right now, I'm eating, but I'm not going through the stress of making myself eat healthy. If I want chocolate, dammit, I'm going to eat it and not tell myself off about it. I have bigger fish to fry!

When I have 'collected and ordered' my ducks, I'll slam down a 180 so damn hard he'll find himself over the Atlantic without needing a passport.

YESSSSS! Please, please do this. Keep us in the loop ok. Let us know if you need some encouragement. I am so proud of you. I am thousands of miles away but I am right there cheering you on. You can do it!


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support above peeps. I still love my husband, stupid I know. But I'm now at a stage where I love me and respect me MORE.

I know I need to take the steps to move forward. If it does shock him out of a fog, then brilliant. But that's no longer my reason behind it. I'm doing this for me and my son. At the moment WH is an absent father. WH does not engage with my DS. So please, no comments about stop and think about the children comments that I'm reading elsewhere. I discovered the first OW in May 2013. I've tried. FOR A YEAR.

I can't live with someone that shows no regret, never mind remorse, or empathy. The subject of the OW is just not discussed. And any questions that are answered are answered with another questions, so basically avoided.

He hasn't tried to hide continued communication with her.
He refuses IC.
Last night he even tried suggesting we should buy a new car. WTF?! Apparently he thinks this is how we are going to live. Well, I'm taking the cake away. It's no longer on the menu.

Can anyone state side confirm if MI stands for Michigan?


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone state side confirm if MI stands for Michigan?

Yes, Michigan.

What you have described here is someone who is acting like a man-child. He wants to be in bed with you? He actually stands there and asks you to come in bed yet throws a little itty bitty fit when you ask him for answers.

You are right. He is not doing anything. And this type is the worse as they are so emotionally imature and passive-aggressive that there is really not much you can do. Keep moving forward like you are, I think you are doing great. You will of course still have days where you cry and feel horrible because you are learning to detach as well, but I promise it does get easier over time.


Posts: 5673 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't live with someone that shows no regret, never mind remorse, or empathy. The subject of the OW is just not discussed. And any questions that are answered are answered with another questions, so basically avoided.

He hasn't tried to hide continued communication with her.
He refuses IC.
Last night he even tried suggesting we should buy a new car. WTF?! Apparently he thinks this is how we are going to live. Well, I'm taking the cake away. It's no longer on the menu.

Very much in the A. I'm afraid you and Mr. saveus have too much in common. (sigh)

Taking cake off the menu? Shove him out of the F'n restaurant. This...

I know I need to take the steps to move forward. If it does shock him out of a fog, then brilliant. But that's no longer my reason behind it. I'm doing this for me and my son. At the moment WH is an absent father. WH does not engage with my DS.

...I like. With each post I feel you getting stronger. You ARE doing this for you and your son. I grew up in a toxic environment and based on that experience I'm not one for "staying together for the kids". I think R is a beautiful thing, but you need both people for that. You don't have that. You are doing the right thing ICanNowSeeInTheLight. The spotlight is on. You know what you are doing is the best thing for you and your son.

Keep going. Keep posting. We are right behind you!

yop



25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm taking the cake away. It's no longer on the menu.

Yay for you!

From what you have described, he is a very, very long way away from becoming the husband you need and deserve. I really think that separation/divorce is the right decision (just my opinion). You have tried to do your part, you have given him ample opportunity to do his part. You cannot work on your marriage alone, without his engaging in the process. He's in total denial and self-absorption and your feelings apparently mean nothing to him.

Go ahead and kick him out of the marriage. Anything less at this stage seems like a disservice to you and your son.

How are those ducks doing? Hope they will line up nicely soon.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Question  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok peeps, I need some advice. Sorry but this may come out as a bit of a ramble, with more than one question.

I want to bring his fantasy world down with a bang.

To quote yearsofpain25, I'm getting my bitch boots on.

This involves kindly letting the OWs BH know what's going on. I've struggled to try and track him down. Being in the UK and OW in MI,USA has definitely not helped.
I tracked OW through my WHs Pinterest page. He doesn't know that I've found him on here, its not really my thing. But there she is, with each of them sending god awful lovey dovey poetry quotes to each other little does she know this has been his MO with OW1 and OW2, haha. Anyway, through her page of followers I think I've tracked down her husband. I then searched them on white pages in MI (I'm pretty sure that's where she is as I've found my WH searching for cheap flights to there last week) That was pretty much the nail in the coffin that led to my 'I. Am. Done.' post a couple of days ago.

I'm rambling... sorry
Basically, white pages have given me what I presume is an address and telephone number? Please can someone confirm that?

Here are the other questions...
Do I phone? Write?
What if it's OWs dad rather than BH?
Has anyone got any more detective ideas I can try before I try for contact?

I know the contact details for OW1 and OW2. What do I do about them? Both have been within the last 12 months.

I feel like Jessica Freaking Fletcher in need of the local sheriff!!! Help please!


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The white pages it the electronic version of our phone book. You phone and you ask for him by name. "Is this so and so's husband Mr. so and so." Being over seas that may be your best bet. The other BS may want evidence. Do you have the pininterest correspondence documented? They are probably going to want more than your word.

Sent you a pm too.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a solicitors appointment on Monday. I'm going to go and, as you call it, get my ducks in a row.

If this is still on, good luck today CanSeeWithTheLightsOn. Thinking about you and your son. Let us know how you are doing when you can.

Sending you courage and strength.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How'd you make out today CSITD?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I posted. I've ended up back on this thread because when I read through and reflect on my posts, this is the one that encourages me to keep going.

So where am I at?
Sigh. WH quite clearly still in Whoville with no remorse.

Is he still in a fog after all this time? I'll be honest, I'm not sure that I believe in 'the fog' anymore. It just feels now as an excuse for his behaviour and a reason for me to give him more time.
Even if he did have an epiphany, he's too late. The damage has been done.

I will never get the following words out if my head...."I only married you because I thought I had too. I hate being married."
This basically translates as ...."I am a selfish b*****d. Being married to you was fine while it was serving my selfish wants. Now I'm not the centre of attention. You put our DS first. We have to plan things around him. I need to be single again so I can have my ego stroked and have my way all the time." seriously, he has practically admitted all that. And his mother said all that, she has him pegged.
Oh btw, he tried to convince me that he only said those first things because he was angry. oh I'm sorry. Did I cramp your style when I discovered your pathetic affair?

Where am I at now.....
He's still in the other room - and I'm starting to sleep ok.
Relationship with OW3 is still on.
I have completed the divorce forms. They will be sent to the courts when my copy of my marriage certificate arrives.
Joint Bank accounts have been closed.

Back to yes he's still in the other room. Which is probably the cause of my vent tonight. My patience, civility and overall sanity are being put to the test.
I've gone to the mortgage company to take on the mortgage, but they have said not until I go to work full time in September :( which means he cannot leave and get his own place until then, when his name has been removed from this mortgage.
He has no where else to go. Parents, brothers and friends have all refused for him to stay with them.
So he is still here.
It's driving me

I've been reading a little in divorced/separated, but things still feel too raw, too new.

I'm not regretting my decision to D. In fact, I read some of the threads on JFO and realise how far I've come. But at the same time, I have times where the decision wants to make me curl up in a ball and cry.

Take today's dilemma.....

I felt briefly better. Karma played a little visit and the dog ate 100 out if my WHs wallet.
Then I felt guilty because with our finances that's a lot of money.
Then I felt guilty about feeling guilty.....

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 5:46 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been wondering how you've been doing CSITD. Glad to see you posting in your own thread again even if it's just to vent. I know the impending D has had to have been stressing you out. But in your own writing above^^^, I see that you have come to terms with how selfish your WH is and how un-remorseful he really is. Very sorry you are going through all this.

One word of advice, I know you feel guilty and very much don't want this. You shouldn't feel guilty, even though it was 100. Really, stop feeling guilty about any of it. He is really putting your through hell. I truly empathize with you and your son.

Sound like you are getting your ducks in a row, Any more thoughts on exposing OW3 to her BH?

Keep posting CSITD.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
lovesobroken
♀ Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((csint))) I just feel that you are very strong and you have a sense of humor along the way inspire of all this. I think you will be a great mom and you will be a better person maybe when you have someone who appreciates all that. You are doing so good.

Posts: 236 | Registered: May 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yop - yes I had given telling BH of OW3 a lot of thought. But with further 'investigation' it's clear they are already separated. So I'm not sure what benefit that will have, apart from making living with WH for the next three months even harder.

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 1:35 AM, June 30th (Monday)]


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to admit I'm feeling down today. D is hard.

I know R is by no means an easy road.

But why can't my WH show atleast the slightest remorse? Every day of no remorse is twisting every good memory I have of the last 15 years.

Am I really worth so little?


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CantSeeInTheDark)))

You are worth so much more. I've read many of your posts. You are a bright, articulate lady with a sense of humour to go with. Don't be so hard on yourself.

This situation that you are in, is all about how messed up your WH is. He's on another planet. You deserve better. I know 15 years is a lot to walk away from, but you are still so young! Don't give up on yourself. I know you don't see it and you are in a dark place, but look at your future. One way or the other (R or D) you have a very bright future ahead of you. Make that future about you. Not him.

Pardon my English but fuck him. He's still emotionally abusing you and you are not going to feel better until you get away. In the meantime, concentrate on your DS. You both have a future ahead of you. It's up to you to make it a great one.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 48
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