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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Getting away with it
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much I see this thought process that to offer R it means WS is getting away with it. So often I see WS saying they dont deserve forgiveness because what they did cant be forgiven or forgotten. This is how I think on this. If you have an unremorseful WS and you stay with them knowing they are in the A, knowing they do not care about you pain then yes second they are absolutely getting away with it because they do not care. If you however offer the gift of R to a remorseful WS they are not getting away with shit. While our pain is no match for yours we do go through our own personal torture chamber. My heart still hurts every day, I get anxiety and panic attacks and I hate who I was with a passion. There is no getting away with it because I will jever have the relationship I could have because of what I did and I know this and have to live with it. I will never be viewed with unvarnished love by this man ever again and I did that. There are still nights I think of this and curl up and cry.

As for WS' who cannot accept forgiveness. Forgiveness is not to forget. Your actions still exist but that gift of forgiveness should jever be ignored. Accepting doesn't mean you stop doing the work or acknowledging your faults and actions. Forgiveness is a gift and be grateful if you receive it, dont cringe thinking how could they forgive me. Accept it with grace and humility and admire the strength in them to forgive us our actions.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
CantBeUndone
♀ Member
Member # 42205
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said! Thank you!


Me: WW
Him: BH
30's, 4 kids
DD- Jan 2014

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. You are exactly right. I hope to get to that point some day.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Unagie))

Thank you.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Southwest US
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, Unagie!

Understand that it is a process for the BS to get to the point where we realize that our remorseful spouse is not getting away with anything. It is the point where we are able to put aside some of our own pain and feel compassion. Once that happens, it is much easier to realize there are no winners here. (Well, hopefully in the end both spouses "win", but it is not because either one got away with anything.)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Nov 2010
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*applauds*

Well said!


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1143 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Unagie. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who deals with this.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know something? I have not thought that my FWH got away with anything per se. He gave away huge chunks of his soul, his honor, his self-image, of the person that his parents raised, when he committed infidelity, and when he lied to me. Huge gaping wounds where he self-mutilated himself and tore that which was good away from him and cast it aside.

Watching his struggles to put himself, not back together, but back as he should be, using unfamiliar pieces that he had to self-create, has been an education to me. He betrayed me, he gave away that which belonged only to the two of us. And I will never forget that. What he did to himself was truly horrific. He cast out the principals that he stood for. He rationalized them away and covered those principals, those morals, and covered them with excrement. He committed seppuku upon himself he cut those good qualities out of himself and left them on a bloody mat. And now, he has to face that, and somehow, recreate the person he should have been from the person that he was. And watching that struggle fills me with both sorrow and pride. Sorrow for his pain, for his re-birth, for the walk on knives over a path that he didn't have to take, but chose to. And pride. Pride that he IS re-creating himself, is facing his demons, and is showing such determination to do whatever it is he needs to do, to become the person that he was meant to be.

He didn't get away with anything. He almost lost everything. And he has to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life, no matter if it should be with me or without me. And that's a terrorable truth to have to face daily.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4551 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^Exactly....


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no getting away with it
My FWH did it, he got to have some "strange" for years. It was fun, it was passionate, he was getting attention and validation. Yeah, he got away with it for years. Sure, he is paying consequences NOW, but that doesn't undo the past and the fact that he got away with it for years. How can you undo the enjoyment you had in your affairs? You can't, you got away with the enjoyment at the time, your anguish now doesn't undo that fact. For me to reconcile, I have to accept the fact that FWH had a vacation from our marriage and an escape to FantasyLand. These are facts. I can either accept them or not.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the way Sister does. He had an active social and sex life while I was alone, dealing with real life and all that entailed and wondering what was wrong with me that my husband rejected me sexually. I tried everything I could to fix our marriage.

But it doesn't mean I don't see and appreciate his pain remorse and regret. I do have empathy for that part of this journey. As he is beginning to have empathy for me.

Some people are slow learners.


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3256 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
brokeninhalf4034
♀ Member
Member # 42977
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me Skan nailed it. You took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you


Me-BS 40
WS-38 LTA with co-worker
Together 10+ - Married almost 1 year (DDay is week before anniv)


"The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone & that's exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn&


Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Brooklyn, NY
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the way Sister does. He had an active social and sex life while I was alone, dealing with real life and all that entailed and wondering what was wrong with me that my husband rejected me

But it doesn't mean I don't see and appreciate his pain remorse and regret. I do have empathy for that part of this journey
.

^^^All of the above


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you got away with the enjoyment at the time,

For some the A was an addiction (especially in the case of LTAs). Addicts often enjoy it at the time, but when they get sober is when they realize just how much the enjoyment cost them and everyone around them. That's when they see how it is not worth it and really dangerous.

I just wish this was a road that my WH had never taken us on.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH definitely feels that the "enjoyment" he got out of the affair wasn't worth what he risked losing. Still, he did enjoy it. Most do, as they wouldn't have an affair in the first place.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't get away with anything. He almost lost everything. And he has to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life, no matter if it should be with me or without me. And that's a terrible truth to have to face daily.
I couldn't have said it better - thank you, Skan.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5762 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the point that Sister and Scaredy made, I've often felt that way myself. My wife had a lot of fun in Fantasyland at my expense, for sure.

But on the other hand, I try to put myself in my wife's place both during and after her A, and ask myself if I would trade places with her. The answer is always no. And it's not even a close call.

No one (I don't think) gets married intending to betray their husband or wife. It seems to me that a person has to get to a dark place, or at least a very confused place, to get to that point. They're making a trade-off - character and integrity for orgasms and attention.

Seems like a high price to pay for things that can be acquired honestly.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1319 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife tells me that her infidelity showed the absolute worst parts of her. R showed the absolute best parts of me.

I am still not sure I understand that statement. It sure doesn't feel like the best part of me is showing.


I will never have the relationship I could have because of what I did and I know this and have to live with it. I will never be viewed with unvarnished love by this man ever again and I did that.

At some point in R and in healing doesn't this essentially go away? I have trouble understanding this and how that works on a longer timeline. I want to though. I feel the getting away with it is something that holds me back. Not trying to argue just seeking to understand


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2538 | Registered: May 2010
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't go away I think. I still did what I did and my actions will always be there. That untarnished love will never come back because I tarnished it. The relationship I get to have will go down a far different path strewn with tears and strife instead of joy and peace. So no it never really goes away, it becomes something you become capable of living with an accepting but never condoning.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never be viewed with untarnished love by this man ever again and I did that.

I'm not in your husband's head, but I can give you a viewpoint on this comment.

My wife's A led to our divorce without me ever knowing there was something going on. A few months later she began experiencing remorse, we reconciled and got remarried.

I absolutely agree there isn't any getting away with it on her part. We're four years past that time now and she still tears up with feelings of guilt, remorse and sorrow over what she did.

Back to your comment above. I love my wife more today than the day we were married. I don't see any tarnish on my love for her or hers for me. Scars, yes, there are some scars. But sadly, we leave scars in more ways than infidelity. We are imperfect human beings.

Don't be so sure that your husband can only view you in the way you describe above. Now, it wasn't like this for us 6 months or 12 months from D-Day. But eventually she really got it. She was truly remorseful. She put my healing in front of her fear of confronting her own faults. When that sincerity started to be consistently evident, we rebuilt our life and our love.

I know your post was a positive statement. Just saw that one line and wanted to chime in.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Topic Posts: 38
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