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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Getting away with it
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warpspeed I appreciate it. We are no longer together although I still have hope that is slowly dying but thats due to his non remorse with his A. My actions I am healing from and I hope to one day view myself as scarred but untarnished.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, I wasn't up to speed on your story. Hang in there.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump. I saw another post on free pass. I think the thoughts on here by ws and BS can help.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess he got a free pass. Of course he enjoyed it while it was going on. And then he put it out of his head. He is proud of this fact. Not that he had the affair but that he was able to never think of it again. His other EA's he never thought we're affairs. Apparently even when I would ask if he had an affair and he denied it, he did not think of his affair. Last year for a few months we were in a solid R but he says it got too hard. He just stopped trying. No warning. He feels bad and says I won't let it go.
I told him when he finally confessed that I did not think he could do the work to R. I told him I would like to get it all out and then try to put it behind me too-or at least try my sincere best. What gets me is he admitted than and agrees now that he felt good after our talks, even tho it was hard fir him to talk about what a jerk he was for years.
We have been living as room mates since last summer.
I'm 65! Some days I just want my own small place (which the price was affordable if we had D immediately after dd) and others I think financially I should continue to live this way.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Commented earlier but will throw in an additional two cents...

I don't think having to live with a grieving, triggering BS is getting away with anything. Deserved or not it must be hell. And I say this as a BS who raised a lot of hell after D Day.

What my wife has gone through since D Day wouldn't be my idea of fun.

Neither spouse wins in a situation like this.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1325 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though my wh was unable to make the true effort for R, I still don't believe he got away with it.

He has to live with his actions, always know that he betrayed himself as well as me.

To witness the work that it takes for a WS to R, the remorse and introspection, the hard work of facing yourself and your flaws, the pain that you inflicted on others. It inspires awe, I believe that it shows a strength of character to face yourself honestly.

No one get away with this. There are consequences to everyone. Some are just not able to admit to them.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1245 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
trying2live
♀ New Member
Member # 41231
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie - Thank you for this post. As I am reading this, I am crying. My BH told me the other day that he feels like I got away with my actions. Really.... Yes he is still here but there is no way I got away with it. How can I feel that way when I still hate myself for what I did!!! How can I feel that I got away with it, knowing how much pain I had caused. Everyday, I live with guilt and self hate. It has been 5 years and I still can not look at myself in the mirror and not like the person I was. I may not be that same person today but I may never forgive myself. I know my pain does not compare to the pain I caused him. Thank you for your post and what you had said. It truly hit home for me.


"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; It's when you don't understand yourself." - Unknown

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: East Coast
titanfour
♂ Member
Member # 26750
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really appreciated this post. My W didn't get away with it. Not sure how many others this applies to, but my W came to me with it in a shocking confession.

We had already moved, I had no idea would never have known. She couldn't live with it I guess. (lot's more to it of course)

I do believe that this perspective is essential for really moving on especially if Reconciling. Honestly sometimes now I almost prefer that she had kept that inside so I wouldn't have to deal with it, but then it would be a pretend marriage I guess. How is that for a selfish (on my part) bit of irony?


ME: FBH
HER: FWW
many kids now, 1 then
DDAY: 1987

Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like to tell myself she didn't get away with it - but I lose the argument. She did. There was a cost to it - but in the end she had her affair and got to stay married.

This is not a question I like to ask myself.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, but still hurting

Posts: 148 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W didn't get away with it.
I do believe that this perspective is essential for really moving on especially if Reconciling.
I don't agree with this, for me. This may be what works for you, but it doesn't for me.

We are reconciled, have been for over 3 years. If I denied that he "got away with it" I would be lying to myself. This is how I feel. I had to accept this feeling of him getting away with it. I had to know that I could live with this fact to be able to reconcile. To tell myself, "Oh, no, he didn't get away with it, look at how he is suffering now." (And, frankly, my FWH doesn't seem to suffer too much! But, he also doesn't want to tell me if he is because he doesn't feel he deserves my sympathy.) would be denying the way I really feel in that he got away with it.

I had to reconcile those feelings within myself before I could reconcile with FWH. I am not going to rugsweep or stuff my feelings for the sake of reconciliation. If I couldn't reconcile the feeling of FWH getting away with having an affair and wanting to fully commit to a renewed marriage partnership and letting go of past hurts, it wasn't going to work. I would be resentful. I would start keeping my list of "hurts" again. I would silently "suffer". No, I am not going to do that anymore. I have to really look at how I feel and accept it. Then, understand if I can move forward with having those feelings and not have it undermine all that can and would be good.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ww did get away with it. She had the time of her life for a year and I get to pay the consequences.

Whether I like this fact or not won't change whether it is a fact.

The question: what will I do with this? I will be a new man, a better mate, more desirable coming out of this crisis. Would I still choose her over the "field" is the question that we all have to answer.

The facts are the facts. Our pre A history is also fact. My tag line is appropriate? We either adapt to reality or we die with change.

[This message edited by Didact at 10:38 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 47
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what many BS' are saying here about waywards getting away with it. I will keep my opinion on it but I will also not argue with what you are saying and feeling. The way people see this will always be different, I simply wished to state how I felt about this.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if a small child sticks their finger in the electric socket its because they didnt know it was dangerous and we can all feel a measure of sympathy for them. if an adult sticks their finger in the same electric socket we can safely assume they knew it was dangerous, weighed the pros and cons, and did it anyway. it was a conscious decision made with full awareness of the consequences. but what about when they dont even weigh the pros and cons? then i feel something akin to "how can one do something so stupid WITHOUT considering the consequences first?"

that is something i notice common to many waywards. they say their spouse will never be able to look at them again without a measure of doubt and there will never be complete trust again. they say they feel anguish, pain, panic attacks, and hate what they did and who they were at the time. they say how they damaged themselves, how they hurt their spouse/family, lost their integrity, gave up their moral code, etc. all of which is undeniably true. the WS point seems to be that they didnt get away with it because they are paying a higher price than they had expected to pay.

but that doesnt change the fact that they chose to do it, then they did it, and then only later decided that they didnt like the cost of what they did.

the truth is that the average WS spent significant amounts of time lying, cheating, arranging, concealing, TT, thinking about, justifying, etc their affair(s).
the sad truth is that they didnt spend a fraction of that time considering the consequences of their decisions.
who's fault is that?

the consequences were pretty obvious werent they?
- cheat on someone, betray their trust ... it hurts them and is it a "huge" surprise that they dont completely trust you afterwards.
- justify what you know is morally wrong while betraying someone who trusts you and then later feel anguish, guilt, and pain over having taken the wrong path and later hating themselves for being the type of person that would take the wrong path ... where is the surprise in that?
- violate the marriage vows and damage your spouse and family ... where is the surprise in that?

no, you KNEW exactly what you were doing when you did it. you just dont like the price and the consequences for doing it NOW.
as a BS we shouldnt sugar coat. our spouse knew they were married and decided to F someone else. they did so knowing their would be some form of consequences and costs to their decision and they didnt let it slow them down or make them swerve from their path, in most cases they rushed right into it not caring about the consequences or costs that would come later. as a BS we have to accept that our spouses CHOSE to shoot us in the back while "enjoying" their affair and then later tell us that the costs were too high. uh, no crap ... thats WHY the rest of us DONT have affairs. we were bright enough to see that 2+2=4, selling out your morals, your dignity, betraying someone who trusts you, F'ing over your family, etc = high costs for a furtive hump. that a WS wasnt "bright" enough to see this doesnt change the fact that they did it, enjoyed it, and then dont like the price for it.

the real questions we need to ask ourselves as a BS are
1: is our spouse smart enough to have learned from their mistake, can they "fix" whatever is wrong with themselves so that they can become a safe person to be in a relationship with?
2: our spouse made these stupid, childish, and selfish decisions that were so damaging; can we at least "accept" that they made these decisions and give them another chance?

[This message edited by william at 3:00 AM, May 26th (Monday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 479 | Registered: Jan 2014
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cheat on someone, betray their trust ... it hurts them and is it a "huge" surprise that they dont completely trust you afterwards.
- justify what you know is morally wrong while betraying someone who trusts you and then later feel anguish, guilt, and pain over having taken the wrong path and later hating themselves for being the type of person that would take the wrong path ... where is the surprise in that?
- violate the marriage vows and damage your spouse and family ... where is the surprise in that?

Firstly compartmentalizing is a bitch of a thing. Most waywards recognize what they do/did was wrong. Most will compartmentalize it to live with what they did. The instant I let the flirting go physical was the instant compartmentalizing went out the window. I was sick knowing I'd lost him and myself forever. For fuck sake almost 2 years later and I still cry when I write that. It doesn't make it fair or right and that was never the intent of my post which brings me to my second point.

When did I ever say it was a surprise? I never stated that the pain was a surprise and I can feel the sarcasm in the above quote when I all my original post was about was how in MY experience I didn't get away with shit. I cheated and then I did everything I could to heal me and help him heal. I have had to go through pain and some acts of degradation to have him say in the end no he no longer wants me. That is not before he cheated on me and confessed to an EA long before I cheated. So no in MY experience I didn't get aaway with shit. I forgave him everything, I still love him deeply and still dislike myself and cry every day. I have appreciated the comments of everyone here even the ones that rubbed my fur the wrong way made me just look a little closer at why but I know why this post made me so angry. The sarcasm in this the whole what a surprise comments was unnecessary and not in relation to what I was originally posting. Im not quite sure why it was a necessity to bring sarcasm into this type of post.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was only speaking in a generic, not specifically to YOUR case. i am sorry if my words caused you pain. that was not the intention. it wasnt even really meant as sarcasm.

"Most waywards recognize what they do/did was wrong."
they know they are cheating, know they are betraying someones trust, know they are justifying what is morally wrong, violate their vows and damage their spouse and family ... while they are doing it.

then later most feel guilt, anguish, and pain for what they have put themselves through and then what they have done to their family and spouse.

if i go into a fine wine shop, find a rare bottle of wine, open it, and drink it ... i got away with it.

i might have consequences later (jail or whatever) but i STILL got to drink that bottle of wine. i might not like those consequences but i still got to drink the bottle of wine.

i think we are looking at the phrase "got away with it" in a different context and assigning different meanings to those words.

again ... i sincerely did NOT mean to offend or hurt you. my apologies.

[This message edited by william at 9:54 AM, May 26th (Monday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 479 | Registered: Jan 2014
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

William its ok thank you for the apology. Rereading it all I realize I may have been feeling a bit sore with memories the past few days and read more into your comments then what you may have meant. Thank you for the clarification band I agree I think we are all looking at getting away with it differently.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2633 | Registered: Oct 2012
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is why I am confident when I say they did get away with something.

In order for me to stay with my wife, I had to forgive. I couldn't hold on to the hurt, I could not continually throw it in her face. There came a point when I made a conscious decision to live in the present. In that moment I let go of much of the idea of blame.

When I did that our marriage truly resumed. And in that moment she got away with it. This may not make sense to our WS - but my guess is most of the bs know what I mean here.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, but still hurting

Posts: 148 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, R has nothing to do with anything.

There is no outcome of my M that will allow me to get away with it. Because anywhere I go, there I'll be.

R or D, I have to fix my shit. Every day for the rest of my life I will strive to be a better person than I was, safer, live authentically, be a good role model for my kids.

So no, I don't get away with anything.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 38
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