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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "I'm really happy I chose you"
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Angry  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got this statement from fWH over the weekend and he had tears in his eyes as he said it. The feeling it gave me though was just utter disgust It made me feel like gee thanks I'm glad you got to go out and find out I was REALLY the one you wanted to be with after being with MOW. Why am I not happy he chose me? I would have rather of heard I'm glad I never lost you! Just livid and wondering if I should address this with him.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OUCH! After doing harm to his privates, I'd absolutely address it.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch is right! Does he realize how that sounds? I would most certainly do that with him.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Jun 2012
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((crazyblindsided)))) Most definitely address it with him! Sometimes men have foot in mouth disease. Hearing that would piss me off too!

[This message edited by LdyD at 3:25 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 41
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

perhaps you should calmly remind him that he should be more focused on being happy that you still chose him...

Posts: 414 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if this is one of those times when you have to look at the message behind the words?
My husband has said stupid shit too - but when I look at what he was trying to say, ok honey, you just can't quite put the words together right but I get what you're saying.....


that said, there should be no choice... the "chose" word would really bother me. I thought he chose me at our wedding? And if what I did negated that choice? then divorce me.

also, what sunvalley said.

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2010
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do need to address it with him. Intended message or not, he has to realize how he communicates is sometimes more important than the intended message.

I would have looked at my H and said "I thought you'd chose me when we married. Saying something like that makes me angry and sad. I know that's not what you intended but the arrogance in that statement is overwhelmingly painful and completely obliterates the intended message."


Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always think everything should be addressed, lol, so you have my answer there.

I would *maybe* before I kilt him, give him a chance to try it again. Sort of like what rachel said, it could be semantics and it will give you a chance to help him find better word choices in the future.

I told my spouse that if he was having trouble "choosing" me or her, he didn't need to bother with it. I would very easily do it for him. He chose me on our wedding day. He doesn't get to choose me again. He has never, in 7 years, come close to suggesting otherwise.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6347 | Registered: Jan 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys just needed to know I am not crazy

I feel the same way, that we chose each other on our wedding day! Maybe I will address it and let him know how it made me feel even though he probably meant well, it just came out azz backwards lol.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I congratulate you on not killing him when he said it :)

I would let him know that he's lucky you chose to let him stay.

Chose you. I'd kill him.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm just a dumb guy, but I don't see what's wrong with this statement. Don't we chose our spouse every day? And it's true that post affair the WS has a choice and they do chose to stay. To me he was just reiterating that he appreciate you by saying he made the right choice.

I'm not trying to beat anyone up here. I only mention it for myself. This might be one of Venus vs mars things and I'd like to know what I'm missing.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 425 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wod - This comes across as a backhanded compliment which isn't very complimentary when you look at it on its whole.

Thank god I chose curtain B. Gee thanks!

[This message edited by KatyaCA at 6:47 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether he choses me every day is not the same as chosing ME over HER. It should never be an option.

And no, I don't think that there is a "choice" after dday. That implies he weighed his options vs. just automatically running back.

I'm nobody's "option".


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6347 | Registered: Jan 2011
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a bitch and would say "I am not so sure I choose you! I'll let you know!"

Sorry, but it's all in how they see and word things sometimes. I feel for you!!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after

Posts: 844 | Registered: Dec 2013
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wod - I hear what you're saying because my WH said something to me along the lines of 'I would have never chosen them over you' and I never questioned that comment from him. Yes, we chose our spouse every day, and WS do get a choice to stay or go as well.

I think it was just an insensitive comment in that the BS felt like it was ONLY up to the WS to chose and that the BS would be waiting eagerly in the wings while he made his choice. It's just a wording issue, which sadly many WS have to watch their wording carefully in post-DDay times with a BS dealing with their emotions... but I think it would have come across better if it didn't sound like the WS was the one holding all the cards of if the M survived or failed. As I said initially, there was no recognition of the BS having chosen to stay as well. If it were up to me to reword what the WS was saying it would be "I'm really happy we chose to work through this together, and I feel like I made the right decision by staying. I hope you feel the same about your choice"...but I have to face reality, my WS is NEVER going to say it to me like that...he's a man of few words, and as he says 'usually the wrong ones' and he doesn't think like me, he doesn't think like a BS and anticipate my reaction to his wording choices...in fact he's scared to say anything at times for how I'll interpret it. My fWS means well when he says the things he does, and I feel this fWS had good intentions as well...it's just one of those 'think before you speak' type things...the good intentions were there, the words not so much!


Posts: 414 | Registered: Mar 2014
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps he meant that he chose you the day he married you. That he is happy that you were the woman he chose to spend his life with. Otherwise I would certainly want to have a word!


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether he choses me every day is not the same as chosing ME over HER. It should never be an option.
And no, I don't think that there is a "choice" after dday. That implies he weighed his options vs. just automatically running back.

I'm nobody's "option".

Oh hell yeah. That's the ticket.

CB (nice name by the way) -

My first response was D. Can you tell I still have a little anger. I am working on it.

IF, he has been really good about everything else, I would explain to him how that made you feel. Explain to him that thinking that way is still self absorbed and not how you view commitment. It may be worthy of a MC session depending on your (and his) ability to communicate about such things. It's is very important, IMO, that WS understand that their thought processes need to change, not just their actions and words. It's the thought process that is hosed up there.

take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j it is always interesting to me to see how differently the genders communicate.

end t/j

Truth be told, WS do have choices. My H BETTER be "really happy". Your H was trying to give you a loving complement. I have learned that when my H says something crazy instead of letting him have it I now try to mirror what he is saying.

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

Boy, those $$$ of therapy have paid off.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. I heard this too.

My response was "I thought we chose each other when we decided to marry 27 years ago."

I think the reason this is so painful to me is that it truly hurts to realize that I was expendable to my WH without my knowledge.

It's such a violation of the M to think that he was "shopping".


Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2011
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes men have foot in mouth disease.

My WH has said so many things wrong, I'm incredulous. Our MC is incredulous.

In fact, I wonder why I am still with him, if he's so oblivious to the words he is using.

Oh that's right - I'm not sure I AM still with him. Still weighing the pros and cons.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 371 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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