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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "I'm really happy I chose you"
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Truth be told, WS do have choices. My H BETTER be "really happy". Your H was trying to give you a loving complement. I have learned that when my H says something crazy instead of letting him have it I now try to mirror what he is saying.

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

I think this is the ticket right her. It's funny as I read this I see a number of misunderstandings that I have had with my own wife. I see what he said and then I watch the posts and there is so much being read into his comment that I don't think he intended. I might have made this exact statement and let me explain how I take it. (note: I don't know your husband and can't read his mind so this may not be his thinking at all.)

Of course you both chose each other. But he had no control over your decision to stay and make it work only his own. For that reason to him your decision feels more like luck. Meanwhile, as he is looking at the life that he is building with you and thinking about the life he could have with out you he's reminded that his choice was the right one. At the same time he's probably feeling bad that he ever put himself in the position where he may not have even had that choice. I really do think it was meant as a very strong complement.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

Boy, those $$$ of therapy have paid off.

I get it and if everything else was equal great response. After an A, however, I would need to get a reality check from WS that there internal dialog was straight. The above is communication for a healthy relationship, where one party has not demonstrated their head is up their ass.

I guess I am saying context matters here. If everything is great, then yes re-phrase and redirect. If not, call them on their shit. There is a time for both.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 9:35 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]



Posts: 1414 | Registered: Jan 2012
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to him your decision feels more like luck
Then he needs to say, "I feel like the luckiest man in the world, that you, my dear wife, chose to give me another chance to stay married to YOU"!

Yep, every time I hear the "chose/choose" words on this site, it boils my blood.

Thankfully my WS never said such a thing, but he said plenty of other stupid things post A...


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tryinginmi
♀ Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Struggling16 what you said about " shopping" hits home for me. It feels like the WS was shopping around for a better option. Unfortunately shopping around is not supposed to be an option after marriage. I should not need to compete to be his first choice.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 969 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it was just a case of not thinking about the words he was using while trying to express happiness in his current situation. Of course he really needs to remember that after d-day, you're the one that made a choice he should be grateful for.

My MIL is terrible with backhanded compliments. I practice the phrase, "I don't think you meant that the way that it sounded." and it helps me stand up for myself and to point out her rudeness and thoughtlessness.

T/J Hmmm, maybe WH's thoughtlessness is genetic?


Me: BW 40
Him: WH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mindfulness needs to be something that a WS attends to on every level after DD.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4506 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow just wow. WS trys to compliment BS and we give them hell. My WS used the same damn sentence, I freaked out.... especially considering he had 2 ONS? This was in the beginning ( within the first few months after dday)and when I freaked out on him he sat down with me later and told me one of the books he was reading said to consistently remind me that he chooses me.
So maybe our WS are reading the same crap... or my WS is just too ignorant to see that it didn't mean repeat this sentence to your BS.

[This message edited by kate0421 at 3:40 PM, May 7th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 249 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt a pang as I read your posting, because just yesterday (our 19th anniversary) my FWH gave me a card that included the words, "I am so glad you have chosen to stick with me." Along with "I don't deserve you." It was exactly what I wanted to read. And yes, I would have been less impressed by "I'm glad I chose you."

But..........people are sometimes just bad with words. I think I am more inclined to agree with those who urge you to try to see what he said ("I'm glad I chose you") in a more positive light.

On D-Day, both BS and WS have a choice to make. The BS has to choose whether to R with WS or kick him/her out. That decision can take a nanosecond or months.

The WS also has to choose: try to repair the damage s/he has done and stay and work on R and the M, or leave--maybe for the AP, maybe not. That decision, too, might take a nanosecond or months to figure out.

If both spouses decide to R, R is a period of constant re-evaluation of those choices as the couple tries to get the relationship back on track.

So when your FWS says that he is glad he chose you, he's recognizing that he could have walked away (which might have been the easier choice--R is not for sissies) but did not. And he's glad he did not, as it would have been a terrible mistake--he would have lost you and his life would be emptier.

Of course, it is preferable to hear, "I'm glad you chose me." Talk to him about this, absolutely. He'll probably be appalled that his words provoked that reaction.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 356 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
hrtbrkn77
♂ New Member
Member # 43348
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just had a similar text this morning. I'm struggling similarly. Viewing anything positively in light of the A is difficult. I keep trying to focus on the notion that she didn't stay "gone," but thinking about that underscores what happened while I thought we were on solid ground.

R is definitely not for sissies.

Hell, M isn't.


Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2014
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What wonderful replies. I brought it up to him and he said he understood why I would take it that way, but did not intend for it to be that way

This made me

T/J Hmmm, maybe WH's thoughtlessness is genetic?

My Mil is also a queen at backhanded comments so it could be! She was very abusive to fWS as a child and even into his adult years. Guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:42 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Crazyblindsided -
My Mil is also a queen at backhanded comments so it could be! She was very abusive to fWS as a child and even into his adult years. Guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree

OMG I know you! You are my SIL.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whenever my fWH puts his foot in his mouth I tell him what it made me think or feel and ask if that's what he meant.

If his mindset is that he was shopping that would be a huge problem for me. I would want him to dig into that mindset more because his saying he's glad he chose you would make me think he thought it was an acceptable path that he followed ya know to go out shoppin for a possible replacement and don't get me started about a test driving analogy...

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:09 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that talking to him about his choice of words is important. I would want so hard to believe the reframing of the statement that others posted to help him out. While I can agree that sometimes people are just bad at words, I think at other times the words chosen reveal the thought process. In this case how do you ignore the blatant message that his perception was that he had a choice between you and another? My mind goes to, " shouldn't he be glad he decided to win me back?" It seems a truly remorseful WS would view their role as pursuing the BS and proving to then they are worthy instead of sitting back and weighing the options. It sounds like he saw you as a given rather than a treasure he lost. It would totally make me question my decision to stay.

That said, it would probably be a wonderful idea to ask him what choices he was referring to. It could have been between working hard on himself to keep you or choosing his own fog and leaving.


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 512 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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