Topic: When/How do Waywards earn their "F"?
Member # 41761
| Posted: 5:22 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014|
Title says it all...
When/How do Waywards earn their F's??
Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 13333
| Posted: 5:50 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014|
That is purely an individual decision. For me, it was when I saw consistent, proven work & growth from him. And that took years, not months. I was very leery as I had 9mos of TT that marred the first year. Every time he would say "Swear to God there is nothing else..." but there was.
When it finally all came out, he hit bottom. He spent the next year in IC and a support group. He spent the the year recommitting to his family. He grew as a man, husband, dad, friend. That's when he earned his F.
7 years later, he is now *just* my H.
Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses
Posts: 6164 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Member # 24719
| Posted: 6:40 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014|
i can't wait until he's just H again!
We had gotten there, then he had relapsed, and became WH, again... He's earning the f. But it's scary. We are at a point where his remorse almost causes more anxiety than comfort... Because I am starting to trust... And it's scary to even consider! After 2 ddays, I am a little leery of allowing myself this trust...
Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen
Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 30396
| Posted: 9:01 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014|
My H earned his F about 2 years post Dday. It took a lot of effort on his part and I no longer was fearful of being hurt by him in the same way that he hurt me before. When I told him he earned and F and explained what I mean, he cried. He felt honored.
About 2 years after that, he lost his W. He is now just H. But once again, he had to continue to earn that. I do not hurt daily and feel safe most of the time. Without his work and dedication, he would not have lost it.
So...it is individual to each of us. I think your husband earns his F when you think he has earned it. ...an you believe he is now in "former" wayward status.
Good luck to you!
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10
Posts: 1561 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Member # 39543
| Posted: 10:15 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014|
We are only a little more than a year out, but Aboutdamntime has worked so hard and is so aware of himself and his actions that he earned his "f" about six months out. He REALLY REALLY REALLY wants a different way of life FOR HIMSELF. Conveniently, I win in that too, but this is really about how he finally wanted to become whole. He has taken such good care of me along the way, too. He encourages me to feel my feelings and share them with him. He wants to hear my pain and face it.
But that's us. Everyone on their own path, their own timetable.
3 young adult kids
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue
Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 36910
| Posted: 4:33 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014|
I think I gave out the F way too early. It was about a year, then at 18 mos. more TT. I'm not really sure it matters. She is ultimately going to do what she wants regardless.
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years
Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
Member # 30079
| Posted: 9:04 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014|
Its not mine to give. Only she knew when she was a former Wayward. For me she is my W as soon as I was committed to reconciliation. I think a BS making the call on when someone's internal dialogue, old coping skills, and poor decision making are eradicated is impossible. At best we can see their actions and that only provides us a small glimpse into their real work. Leave the distribution of the F to the WS's. Their decisions when they give it to themselves can be an enlightening process in and of itself.
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.
Posts: 1880 | Registered: Nov 2010
|Topic Posts: 7|