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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: First Overnight Tomorrow and Already Violating?
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, STBX and I finally have a court order.

In it, he is supposed to have his own place and a room for DD to get overnight visitation. He provided a lease to my L and he is good to go.

So, this is the weekend. The first overnight. Ack! She comes home in the morning for Mother's Day, at least. (He chose this weekend to start, I don't know why, whatever).

So here is my question: He is supposed to have moved away from OW's place to get overnights. But I have driven by a couple times since he got the new place and his habits (i.e. living with OW) haven't changed. What do I do?


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you get to drop DD off? If so, maybe you could drop DD off at the new place. If there isn't a bed there for DD then you take DD with you, call your attorney. If he won't let you do this you call the police and have your court order with you. If he truly has a place without OW and a bed for DD then I think you will need to her go until you learn if he is shacking up with OW and DD.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52977 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We haven't decided on who is dropping off/picking up. And it wasn't specified in the order (ugh)

I sent an email asking what was what and he hasn't responded. Should I just say that I am dropping her off?


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also. He has the pack n play from when DD was little. Is that a "bed" for a 2 year old?

Or is a bed a bed for a two year old considering she has been in a toddler bed for over 6 months now.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 10:37 AM, May 9th (Friday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think that a bed would be just the basics. A mattress in good condition, sheet, blanket, and pillow. DD might be too old for a pack and play but maybe the mattress could be pulled and set up like a bed.

It is tough to co-parent with someone that you have anger with and hurt from. You will need to stick to the focus of doing what is best for your DD. And since things are new at his place, it would be best to show a little flexibility the first couple of visits to all STBX to set up the place. So while pack n play isn't great, maybe it can work for a visit or 2. What I wouldn't allow is going to OW's for the night if you have that protection in the court order (which it sounds like you do). Allowing some short term flexability on little things could help your co-parenting efforts and it establishes your trying to facilitate visitation for your DD to the courts.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52977 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A pack and play is too small for a two year old.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 3003 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD is tiny. But she will be pretty unhappy in a PnP. One night won't kill her. (Maybe him, listening to her being unhappy).

What if he doesn't allow me in the apartment? I won't allow him in the house. So he may do the same.

And in hypothetical land (where the worse things happen), I drive by OW's house this weekend and his car is there, meaning he has DD there overnight... What do I do?


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait a minute - is there a court order that says your stbx can't have DD near OW at all? Or, is it that he can't have her in the same place with OW for an overnight? If it's just a matter of overnights, he could have rented "his" place just for the overnights with DD and he would be free to be with OW for the rest of the week. That may be why you're seeing his car in OW's driveway before he has DD. Is it possible he could do that?

Unless it's in the court order, he unfortunately is not required to let you into his place. If you asked and he was a decent person, he would let you in to look around, especially since your DD is too young to speak for herself and describe her surroundings. He doesn't sound like a decent person though so you may not be able to get in there. See if he will send you pics of the place so you can see where DD will be staying.

I agree that she shouldn't sleep in a PnP, but if he did that for a time or two, it wouldn't be worth it to call the police or go back to court. Remember that courts want the children to have relationships with both parents. Him having her stay in a PnP until he gets his new apartment set up is not going to convince a court to suspend overnights or even to really find him in contempt. If he refuses to get her a real bed for the next several months, then you may have something, but even then, the court will order him to buy a bed before doing something drastic like keeping DD from him. My DD still sleeps on a mattress on the floor and my ex has been in his house for well over a year. The insensitive dumbass bought a house that's really small, and he has never once cared enough to paint their rooms or take them out to buy a poster or a new comforter. He uses DS's room as his own when DS is not there - he's told me that his dad's stuff is thrown every where when he shows up on Fridays for weekend visits. But, each kid has his/her own room so there is nothing I can do about it. It's certainly not the way I would have handled moving into a new house with my kids, but I can't have a court order him to stop being an idiot.

It will be okay. It will get easier when DD is with him for overnights. This part is hard. Go easy on yourself and try not to panic.



BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2879 | Registered: Jan 2011
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha. I wish it was around OW at all but, alas. It is the standard no one overnight clause. It applies to me too.

But since he lives with OW, he couldn't have overnights untl he got his own place with a room for DD.

I am mostly concerned that the apartment/lease is a show and he has no intention of staying there ever... including when he has DD... who can't really tell me she stayed with him at OW's yet.

Since OW lives around the block from me, what if I catch him red handed?

Do I document and let him hang himself eventually? Or bang down the door (metaphorically)?

When it happens. .. I need to know so I already have a plan. Otherwise I will do the Mama Bear thing and not the smart thing. You know?


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be prepared to document. Bring a camera with you. Unless your DD is in imminent harm, there is nothing you can do during his parenting time. However, if you can document a pattern of behavior that is in violation of the court order, then you'll have something your lawyer can use.

Here's hoping that the new place is for him and DD.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1954 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And.... he cancelled his overnight. And his midweek. So much for my Saturday night as an adult (and a slight detour with a telephoto lens).

I am actually really bummed. I was looking forward to an evening being out in public after 8pm.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Gemini, that is exactly what I needed to hear. Moo, thanks for your perspective. That is why I ask. Sometimes I am not sure where my bias ends.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 8:32 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for you and DD that the visit got cancelled. I know you are concerned about DD but was glad to read at the end that you were actually looking forward to some adult time. As hard as it is- when he does take her -make that time all about you!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And document that he didn't take her.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1097 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.

Yeah. I am coming to terms with "I can't control anything he does on his time" and "I just need to give him enough rope to hang himself" and "Dear God, I need someone to talk to other than a toddler"

I don't think STBX has done that. I think he realized his overnight with DD meant I could go out on the town and do all the things he does and that didn't seem awesome to him (not that I would... My big plans where a rated R movie in the actual theater).


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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