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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A date day with boundary moments
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a date day yesterday and found two moments that were boundary-related.

During the day, my H went into a wine store. I was walking around the store and I soon heard him talking about an upcoming city run with the female clerk. The convo wrapped up quickly and she asked if she could help him. I heard him say, "Sure. LA, could you come here and see what you might like." We both picked out a couple wines/we left. I made a note to ask him who initiated the run convo.

Then last night we stopped into a pub for a quick chat after a class we took. The waitress came over. We were joking about the stop being a biz expense and there was a pause and the attractive female server said, "What do you do for a living?"

I actually thought it was inappropriate. He answered her and then quickly gestured to me and gave her my (made up) title which she thought was "cool".

We talked this morning. I asked who initiated the run covo. He said: Well, she was talking to another guy about it and then I added a few words when he left. He said that he did not feel it was right to talk about running in the NYC as that would be opening up too much. He said he also realized I was not in view and that is why he called me over to pick out some wine.

With regards to the server, I just explained that this is how the "familiarity" gets started. Next time she sees him, she can say, "I would love some advice on abc."

I pointed out that these seemed like innocent moments BUT its really impt. to keep our boundaries tight. I explained that when I am in a store and a guy is holding up two sweaters, I would not approach him with my opinion unless he asked. I would answer politely and then move away.

We are reading NJF and the whole walls/windows thing.

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:44 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LivingLearning
♀ Member
Member # 42637
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He gets some good points for bringing you into the conversation as quick as possible.

This makes me wonder, what would be appropriate if someone asks about your job? Being a bartenders job to keep the customers happy and conversations going, I am not sure what to do in this situation without blatantly ignoring them. I guess it would be to answer the question, but make sure not to use any type of language or body signals that would lead the person on. Hmmm..

I just posted about talking about boundaries and running through scenarios so you know what to do in certain situations. This would be another good one to talk about!


Living and learning how to move forward
Me: BGf
Him: WBf
Dday: 02/2013

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read it and posted LL!

Yes. I did take note that both times he brought me in.

Bartending...yes. I have been behind the bar myself (pre-marriage days though) and that can be a bit of a mine-field for many different kinds of uncomfortable situations. Body language is really important. I used to watch this woman practically throw herself on top of the bar top with a friend of mine. It was ridiculous! He was young and not married but I don't think she would have cared had he not been.

I don't want us to be rude....just protective.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44,

Is your husband naturally a social person?


Posts: 642 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA-
As I posted earlier in the week, my H is a bit of an extrovert. . . it is a challenge to figure out where those boundaries should be sometimes.

It sounds to me like Mr LA did a good job of consciously pulling you in each time.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LA,

I actually think your husband did really great. I see so much of myself in this post.

I, too, used to be annoyed with this stuff. My MC and my IC did hit me a 2x4 though. And I did fight backů but I ended up not winning.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1452 | Registered: Jun 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he is a social person Scubachick so I get his NEED to talk to random people. His parents, like my Mom talk to just about everyone they meet. We have had a couple boundary issues in the last month (not related to women) so I am a bit on guard right now.

I thought he did well too bionic and will take a look at your post. And he had nothing to do with the server asking him what he does for a living. There was a server - same pub - about 3 years ago (this was during the A) who ended up going home with my H and his friend to the friend's house to play cards until 2am. I asked him the other day if he looks back now and thinks that was odd. He said, "Yes. Now looking back, he thought it was inappropriate for his friend to ask her (his SO was not happy) and for her to go."

Brokensmile, why did your MC and IC hit you with a 2x4? Because you were asking for your H to be aware of boundaries?

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:19 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 7

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