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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What The F?
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up in the middle of the night last night it full panic mode with vivid memories of how I didn't trust my gut at this time last year. I woke WH up, he held my hand and he went back to sleep.

This morning he had to leave early. I was still shaken and was exhausted after sleeping less than 2 hours. WH seemed annoyed.

He was upset because he was already cutting it close to get out of the house and he felt I wanted to talk at a really bad time.

In reality, I was well aware of his time constraints and just wanted a hug, an apology, and a quick reassurance that all the cheating is behind him and we're going to be OK. What would that take, 30 seconds? No need for a long in-depth conversation.

We finally talked hours later. I assumed once we talked we'd be OK. Nope. He's still defensive and I've progressed from hurt to incredibly pissed off. He dropped a bomb on our marriage and I'm supposed to stifle my pain because the timing isn't good for him. FTG! 30 seconds shouldn't be too much to ask for.

He has totally owned his shit with regard to his past behavior, so crap like this really throws me for a loop. I have reminded him repeatedly that when I trigger, I need a couple of very specific things from him: I need an apology, I need a hug, and I need him to tell me that there will never again be secrets and lies in our marriage.

It's a pretty simple formula and it works. I'm at a loss as to why we need to have this conversation again and again. I'm even more confused by his reaction to this.

Right now we're at a bit of a stalemate - both with our heels dug in. Neither of us is feeling heard. He is gone for a week so we're facing a some really awkward phone calls or just avoiding each other.

I need some SI perspective here because I'm honestly not seeing it from his side at all. Bring the 2 x 4's if you need to, I really need to understand how something so straight forward in my mind turned this ugly.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 3:44 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would feel exactly like you do... Especially as recent as dday is for you...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:09 PM, May 9th (Friday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting on my topic BTW. Came here to read yours immediately.

My thought is; you were able to clearly express what you need when you said:

I need an apology, I need a hug, and I need him to tell me that there will never again be secrets and lies in our marriage.

I hear that you said you have told him repeatedly, and believe me, I've been there. I have decided that I will tell him what I need as many times as it takes for us to completely change our lives and the way we talk to each other. Would you be willing to do that? It's (of course) ok if you're not, but once I decided to I thought, "hell yes I can do this for a while for the sake of my family and relationship". I no longer care or keep tabs of which one of us is doing the 'most' work, I just do what I need to do to feel good about myself.

I also want to note that I hear so much wisdom in your words, and I hope you acknowledge and celebrate that in yourself.

This:

Right now we're at a bit of a stalemate - both with our heels dug in. Neither of us is feeling heard. He is gone for a week so we're facing a some really awkward phone calls or just avoiding each other.

I thought this was very insightful and reflective, and expressed an understanding that took me such a lot of work to reach.

You are a brilliant and beautiful person, I admire you. Admire yourself, be calm and confident and generous for your next conversation IMHO.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 393 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now we're at a bit of a stalemate - both with our heels dug in. Neither of us is feeling heard. He is gone for a week so we're facing a some really awkward phone calls or just avoiding each other.

Is him being gone for a week what may have triggered you?

Also, you are aware you are at a stalemate. But, have you truly talked about it & expressed that sentiment? I know from personal experience with communication issues that just because I acknowledge something to myself doesn't mean I will find the words to express it to my spouse.
That just creates unnecessary distance and an avenue for misunderstanding. It is something I still struggle with: making sure I say exactly what I mean and communicating it effectively.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2012
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you got your kindness eachday, I'm not feeling very strong right now.

I have some mixed feelings about repeating myself. I'm getting frustrated that I'm still not being heard despite my contention that I've been pretty clear about what I need. I'm feeling a bit discouraged right now. He seems to feel put out by my trigger and that just isn't sitting well with me.

Going to keep trying.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

manybrokenpieces, the trigger was related to Mother's Day. Last year I knew he was having an affair, but refused to allow myself to listen to my gut. Dday was 3 months later when I got all the proof in black and white.

We haven't been able to talk about today for more than a 5 minute phone call. He is at work, so unlikely we can talk until the morning.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having to make a diagram of "what to do or say when ______ happens" is like you doing all the work for your WS. When they can't seem to put in the effort to follow through with grace, it's a slap in the face.

I feel your frustration. Unfortunately, I don't have a solution. (((neverdidithink)))


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 7

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