This from mike7...
just de-stress. don't talk or communicate to your wife at all. take the week or so to relax, think about things, and just "be." You need a break from this nonsense.
I honestly think this is what you need to do. Take a break and only concentrate on taking care of yourself. This was going to be an emotional week for you anyway in DC. Focus on that. Talk to your kids when you can but that should be it. You are on SWAT time.
[This message edited by nekonamida at 7:40 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by needadvise at 8:42 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]
DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe
Frankly SWAT these relapses are extremely common.
This is far from the worst set of facts we've seen on SI.
I agree with both of these statements.
However it ranges on the scale, your situation is still pretty damn messy to you. She had an affair with your longtime co-worker, whom was fired over it. She violated a PO. She broke NC.
Whatever her intention or reasoning, she turned away from her marriage and towards the OM... again. She knows based on events, that he is a liar and dangerous, but she chose to go. I am sure in her disordered mind she will tell you that she had ‘no choice’.
She repeatedly said "I can't". Not I won't or leave me alone. She just couldn't. That is until she said alright.
In reality she is active and not passive in her participation in the affair and this meet-up.
I have no idea if she can grasp that yet in her entitled fucked up brain. But she should have considered the consequences.
Funny thing is when I called work I asked if she had made a complaint for him violating the PO. LT said "umm nope..is that what's going on?"
Couldn’t she work herself around to the fear that if the situation devolved or someone saw her, she would be screwing with your career and workmates….AGAIN? Probably not, but sheesh, how jacked can you get?
She has enough of a support group that she can get everyone to her house on no notice for the confessional, but no one she can turn to get her head on right?
I wonder if your BIL wants to speak to you so badly to confess that he encouraged her to get this ‘closure’. If that is the case, she has both her family and you, with all gentleness, entrenched in getting her what she wants.
I hope that you get some sleep. Whatever you decide, it is your decision and we will back your play.
Do you remember that this trip was for YOU? NOW let it be that. As much as you can.
You have handled the shit sandwich pretty well so far. Cut the crap out about beating yourself up. Get some space and enjoy what you can in the memorial. We'll all be around if you need us.
She repeatedly said "I can't". Not I won't or leave me alone
If there is a restraining order for this guy, and I am not sure there ever was, but if so, this sure looks odd.
I dont think this is a continuation of the affair, any affair this public, if continued would have become very hidden and not in a bar in a town where everyone knows you.
But that is probably beside the point by now. The point being, in a bar with the former OM. Period and end of story.
With that said, I think you should listen to your BIL, see what he has to say and then go from there. Being in the dark is never good and hearing excuses from all sides is not good either.
It really becomes the BS is damned if they do and damned it they don't.
It basically becomes enough is enough.
I've been following your story and I truly thought your WW was remorseful, especially after her public declaration of said remorse and guilt.
I'm sorry that she has put you in this position again mate, but you already have an iron heart from dealing with D-Day when it happened, you can deal with this and you will be stronger for it.
And don't think your kids won't eventually know that, they'll soon realise who the winnet really was in this situation. Their father who is a man of integrity and honour.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 9:48 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
I think a burner phone is a great idea to get away from the crazy!
I also think, as I said yesterday, that you should take Tred up on his offer. I know you feel totally alone, but there's something so special about talking to someone who's BTDT. It's almost like you communicate telepathically- very few words are even necessary because of the deep understanding.
First I confess I only read your posts in this thread as it was already pages and pages long when I got here!
A gentle reminder going forward that alcohol and social media, texting, and emails do not mix well. When the bottle opens, the electronics get turned off, ok?
That said, I'm so sorry about your situation. It is truly awful.
Strength to you. Talk to your attorney. Take care of yourself. Put your kids first, yourself second, and let WS fend for her own fucking self.
Make good decisions based in fact not emotion.
Please go to Elephant and Cask and have a burger for me.
Be safe. Be smart.
[This message edited by needadvise at 11:09 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]
Good, let her sweat this one out on her own. Let her blow up her phone and try to miracle her ass (I'd be shocked if there were any positive reason short of curing a rare and deadly disease for lying & meeting him and even that is deserving of a jaundiced eye) out of this last incident. You take this time away from the mess those two created and threw you into.
You're at a career oriented event, yes? Give it your all, be proud of what you've accomplished.
Try and enjoy your time alone as much as possible. Grow a beard, go sky diving, or whatever makes you happy. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
First of all, though I do not reside in the States, I would nevertheless like to firstly thank you for your services and hard work in the police forces. I greatly admire anyone who puts his life on the line to help people!
Having said that, I'm terribly sorry for what you've gone through. I'm also in awe of how great you've handled everything and what great character you've shown in these times.
As for the current development, allow me to be a blunt:
I am happy for you and the kids.
If this is the end any R attempts on your side, then you will from now on be on a road to personal healing, where you will be able to invest all your energy and time (unless for the job) on your kids and yourself.
You will continue to be an amazing father to your kids, and you will be able to focus solely on them. You will not have to look over your shoulder constantly, you won't be ridden with concern what she's doing, how the R is progressing etc. You will, especially after the first shock will pass, be able to devote most of your time and energy to your kids&yourself, instead of her. As this forum teaches, R is a gruelling process, and as I try to look at this situation from the glass full perspective, I'm glad that you found out the truth about her now, and that you can make a quite clean break from her now, instead of potential R with her dragging on for a long time.
Your kids won't be put in a confusing position, they will only go through this one transition. They will not grow up in an atmosphere of a two-parent household filled with heavy matters of reconciliaton, ..., only to perhaps later on be forced to go through another change if the R wouldn't suceed. You will be able to be the best dad, the best moral example, the best...., you can be without her interference. Whatever you may think, her issues (above all her selfishness, her putting her wants ahead of not only you, but her kids, when it came to OM) will have surely been reflected in how she'd raise the kids. Now, you will get to raise them properly. And with time, they will unfortunately learn that actions have consequences, and perhaps that will help them greatly in their lives.
This is a long and rambling post. But I think there are a lot of positives to this. Do I prefer she were truly remorseful from the beginning? Yes, of course. But do I see many positive things from the recent developement, along with the many negative things? Yes, I do. And I hope you will in time be able to focus on the positive things.
The next chapter of your and your kids' lives is beginning. It may start on a dark note, but it shall get better and better, and there will be lots of happiness for you and the kids in the future!
I wish you and the kids all the best, and that someday your STBXW will get the professional psychological help she clearly needs to become a good mother/co-parent.
Enough about her. How are you doing? Pretty much hoping the memorial brings you peace. I think it's a great thing for you to be out of that environment for a while. The only contact should be with BIL and that only if it's to support you. He starts to rationalize her behavior, hang up.
I just wanted to reiterate what mike said:
if you're even considering any chance at all, you need to make this hurt.
I caught my wife making contact with the MOM. I was right there, where you are now, 2 seconds from divorce. I later learned that my wife never intended to continue the affair, never. She was controlling damage her way. She was trying to make everything ok. Obviously she was still lying, and lying was unacceptable, but I accepted this act not as a deal breaker because I knew her knowledge level at that time was still lacking, still childlike. However, next time would be nothing other than a divorce.
As for the AP, my guess is that he wanted a last opportunity to reiterate how he risked everything and lost it, and that somehow she owed him. She owes him nothing. His shit finally caught up with him. His penance would be to apologize, learn and change, and leave you and your wife along. Instead, he's still going behind your back because he hasn't changed.
[This message edited by still-living at 12:07 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.
I slept for a few hours and decided to walk around a bit. I met some cops and deputies from Syracuse, NY. Cool bunch. They asked me to join them for dinner. I'm trying to keep a low profile so I've been turning my phone off. It's hard not answering her, it's almost second nature to reply to her. I'm going to have to reply eventually. I'm just not sure what I want to say. I will not get into a debate with her and I don't want any excuses.
Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.
Everyone has given great advice. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
I suggest you take Tred up on his offer- there is nothing like meeting a fellow SIer - they get it! Being so raw, in pain and away from the usual IRL supports is tough. Let him be an IRL support this week.
Besides he probably knows all the best microbrews.
I'm just not sure what I want to say.
I will not get into a debate with her and I don't want any excuses
I realize that you've set the wheels of D in motion. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, a recommended procedure. You can always slow/stop it if you so decide. Talk to her when YOU want. Get your head on straight.
The first D-Day was tough. In a lot of ways, the second is tougher. The WS has full knowledge of the depth of the pain they created and the risk they took with the M. But they did it again. As bigger said, it is fairly common for a relapse. Was hoping your WW *got* it. Obviously, she doesn't.