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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here SWAT. Hope you are sleeping well.

This from mike7...

just de-stress. don't talk or communicate to your wife at all. take the week or so to relax, think about things, and just "be." You need a break from this nonsense.

I honestly think this is what you need to do. Take a break and only concentrate on taking care of yourself. This was going to be an emotional week for you anyway in DC. Focus on that. Talk to your kids when you can but that should be it. You are on SWAT time.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, I've followed your story from the beginning and I'm so sorry it played out this way. I too believed she was starting to get it and come around. Her recent actions reflect how little that was true and how little we really know about what was going on in her mind involving the OM. Who would give the OM the time of day after everything he did and how could your WW throw it all away just to make him feel better? She knew she was walking on thin ice with you giving her R at all. You made that VERY clear to her. She still did it and lied about it for someone who proved themselves to her they're not worth it. I know this will haunt you and it really boggles my mind too. WHY? After all this why would she do something so detrimental this far in to R and after OM disrespected you and the family? I hope for your sake there isn't a lot more to this story and that it wasn't just a false R all along. Be strong, SWAT. Take care of yourself. You know you will be the one to get over this and move on. If your WW chooses to stay with OM after this then she's much dumber than we give her credit for and that will be her downfall - being tied to a POS like him who will only use and abuse her.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 7:40 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
betrayedpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i feel so very sad for you. (hugs)

Posts: 219 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT. Hope your doing ok this morning. I feel your pain, we all do. I'm married to a serial cheater and a pathological liar. I see no difference in that and a rapist.
Every one of our situations are unique to us. Take the time you need to clear your head. You need this. As hard as it is try to have no contact with your WW. If I could have done that I would have been alot better off.
This is our roller coaster ride from hell.
Good people will overcome. You are a good person!

[This message edited by needadvise at 8:42 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly SWAT these relapses are extremely common.

This is far from the worst set of facts we've seen on SI.

I agree with both of these statements.

However it ranges on the scale, your situation is still pretty damn messy to you. She had an affair with your longtime co-worker, whom was fired over it. She violated a PO. She broke NC.

Whatever her intention or reasoning, she turned away from her marriage and towards the OM... again. She knows based on events, that he is a liar and dangerous, but she chose to go. I am sure in her disordered mind she will tell you that she had ‘no choice’.

She repeatedly said "I can't". Not I won't or leave me alone. She just couldn't. That is until she said alright.

In reality she is active and not passive in her participation in the affair and this meet-up.
I have no idea if she can grasp that yet in her entitled fucked up brain. But she should have considered the consequences.

Funny thing is when I called work I asked if she had made a complaint for him violating the PO. LT said "umm nope..is that what's going on?"

Couldn’t she work herself around to the fear that if the situation devolved or someone saw her, she would be screwing with your career and workmates….AGAIN? Probably not, but sheesh, how jacked can you get?

She has enough of a support group that she can get everyone to her house on no notice for the confessional, but no one she can turn to get her head on right?

I wonder if your BIL wants to speak to you so badly to confess that he encouraged her to get this ‘closure’. If that is the case, she has both her family and you, with all gentleness, entrenched in getting her what she wants.

I hope that you get some sleep. Whatever you decide, it is your decision and we will back your play.

Do you remember that this trip was for YOU? NOW let it be that. As much as you can.

You have handled the shit sandwich pretty well so far. Cut the crap out about beating yourself up. Get some space and enjoy what you can in the memorial. We'll all be around if you need us.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She repeatedly said "I can't". Not I won't or leave me alone
This is the little things that the WS can never understand and the little things that can be deal breakers for the BS.

If there is a restraining order for this guy, and I am not sure there ever was, but if so, this sure looks odd.

I dont think this is a continuation of the affair, any affair this public, if continued would have become very hidden and not in a bar in a town where everyone knows you.

But that is probably beside the point by now. The point being, in a bar with the former OM. Period and end of story.

With that said, I think you should listen to your BIL, see what he has to say and then go from there. Being in the dark is never good and hearing excuses from all sides is not good either.

It really becomes the BS is damned if they do and damned it they don't.

It basically becomes enough is enough.


Posts: 3796 | Registered: Jun 2002
Hurthalo
♂ Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, non-awkward man hugs from a fellow military type here in Australia.

I've been following your story and I truly thought your WW was remorseful, especially after her public declaration of said remorse and guilt.

I'm sorry that she has put you in this position again mate, but you already have an iron heart from dealing with D-Day when it happened, you can deal with this and you will be stronger for it.

And don't think your kids won't eventually know that, they'll soon realise who the winnet really was in this situation. Their father who is a man of integrity and honour.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 9:48 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let us know how you are doing...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, SWAT. I'm glad you're safe!

I think a burner phone is a great idea to get away from the crazy!

I also think, as I said yesterday, that you should take Tred up on his offer. I know you feel totally alone, but there's something so special about talking to someone who's BTDT. It's almost like you communicate telepathically- very few words are even necessary because of the deep understanding.


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SWAT))))

First I confess I only read your posts in this thread as it was already pages and pages long when I got here!

A gentle reminder going forward that alcohol and social media, texting, and emails do not mix well. When the bottle opens, the electronics get turned off, ok?

That said, I'm so sorry about your situation. It is truly awful.

Strength to you. Talk to your attorney. Take care of yourself. Put your kids first, yourself second, and let WS fend for her own fucking self.

Make good decisions based in fact not emotion.

Please go to Elephant and Cask and have a burger for me.

Be safe. Be smart.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had anybody heard from SWAT? Not that I think he would hurt himself, he seems pretty well together. Just concerned about his pain.

[This message edited by needadvise at 11:09 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've also followed your story from the beginning to this. You've handled yourself so well and continue to do so.

Good, let her sweat this one out on her own. Let her blow up her phone and try to miracle her ass (I'd be shocked if there were any positive reason short of curing a rare and deadly disease for lying & meeting him and even that is deserving of a jaundiced eye) out of this last incident. You take this time away from the mess those two created and threw you into.

You're at a career oriented event, yes? Give it your all, be proud of what you've accomplished.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 358 | Registered: Aug 2012
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that this is the way things have went down. Everything happens for a reason and at least you know the person she really is. Support for you in which ever way you choose to take.

Try and enjoy your time alone as much as possible. Grow a beard, go sky diving, or whatever makes you happy. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 589 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

First of all, though I do not reside in the States, I would nevertheless like to firstly thank you for your services and hard work in the police forces. I greatly admire anyone who puts his life on the line to help people!

Having said that, I'm terribly sorry for what you've gone through. I'm also in awe of how great you've handled everything and what great character you've shown in these times.

As for the current development, allow me to be a blunt:

I am happy for you and the kids.

If this is the end any R attempts on your side, then you will from now on be on a road to personal healing, where you will be able to invest all your energy and time (unless for the job) on your kids and yourself.

You will continue to be an amazing father to your kids, and you will be able to focus solely on them. You will not have to look over your shoulder constantly, you won't be ridden with concern what she's doing, how the R is progressing etc. You will, especially after the first shock will pass, be able to devote most of your time and energy to your kids&yourself, instead of her. As this forum teaches, R is a gruelling process, and as I try to look at this situation from the glass full perspective, I'm glad that you found out the truth about her now, and that you can make a quite clean break from her now, instead of potential R with her dragging on for a long time.

Your kids won't be put in a confusing position, they will only go through this one transition. They will not grow up in an atmosphere of a two-parent household filled with heavy matters of reconciliaton, ..., only to perhaps later on be forced to go through another change if the R wouldn't suceed. You will be able to be the best dad, the best moral example, the best...., you can be without her interference. Whatever you may think, her issues (above all her selfishness, her putting her wants ahead of not only you, but her kids, when it came to OM) will have surely been reflected in how she'd raise the kids. Now, you will get to raise them properly. And with time, they will unfortunately learn that actions have consequences, and perhaps that will help them greatly in their lives.

This is a long and rambling post. But I think there are a lot of positives to this. Do I prefer she were truly remorseful from the beginning? Yes, of course. But do I see many positive things from the recent developement, along with the many negative things? Yes, I do. And I hope you will in time be able to focus on the positive things.

The next chapter of your and your kids' lives is beginning. It may start on a dark note, but it shall get better and better, and there will be lots of happiness for you and the kids in the future!

I wish you and the kids all the best, and that someday your STBXW will get the professional psychological help she clearly needs to become a good mother/co-parent.

Best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 152 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stopping by to check on you and am glad to hear you're safe. You'll still be in my thoughts as you go through this week away from all the shit back home. I'm so sorry it's happening. (((Swat)))


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I did ask about the content of the e-mails pretty much to get tone and texture. Your WW's decision making skills are shit. If, and I stress if, the whole dom/sub thing is true, ANY contact w/POSER is dangerous for her. That stands true whether you stay or go.

Enough about her. How are you doing? Pretty much hoping the memorial brings you peace. I think it's a great thing for you to be out of that environment for a while. The only contact should be with BIL and that only if it's to support you. He starts to rationalize her behavior, hang up.

Stay strong


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat,

I just wanted to reiterate what mike said:

if you're even considering any chance at all, you need to make this hurt.

I caught my wife making contact with the MOM. I was right there, where you are now, 2 seconds from divorce. I later learned that my wife never intended to continue the affair, never. She was controlling damage her way. She was trying to make everything ok. Obviously she was still lying, and lying was unacceptable, but I accepted this act not as a deal breaker because I knew her knowledge level at that time was still lacking, still childlike. However, next time would be nothing other than a divorce.

As for the AP, my guess is that he wanted a last opportunity to reiterate how he risked everything and lost it, and that somehow she owed him. She owes him nothing. His shit finally caught up with him. His penance would be to apologize, learn and change, and leave you and your wife along. Instead, he's still going behind your back because he hasn't changed.

[This message edited by still-living at 12:07 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I screwed up. I've got to remember drinking and social media don't mix. Some one said that to me. Seems WW has seen my posts and knows where I am. She has sent several texts and emails which I have "kind of" ignored. I read just enough to make sure there are no problems with the kids. One said she was thinking about coming down here to make me talk to her. Well she can try, she does not know that i switched hotels when i bought her ticket. Was supposed to be a suprise and got a VERY nice and VERY expensive room. Never gonna say where I am staying though. Rookie mistake I guess.

I slept for a few hours and decided to walk around a bit. I met some cops and deputies from Syracuse, NY. Cool bunch. They asked me to join them for dinner. I'm trying to keep a low profile so I've been turning my phone off. It's hard not answering her, it's almost second nature to reply to her. I'm going to have to reply eventually. I'm just not sure what I want to say. I will not get into a debate with her and I don't want any excuses.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Swat))))))

Everyone has given great advice. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

I suggest you take Tred up on his offer- there is nothing like meeting a fellow SIer - they get it! Being so raw, in pain and away from the usual IRL supports is tough. Let him be an IRL support this week.

Besides he probably knows all the best microbrews.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just not sure what I want to say.

What's wrong with
I will not get into a debate with her and I don't want any excuses

I realize that you've set the wheels of D in motion. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, a recommended procedure. You can always slow/stop it if you so decide. Talk to her when YOU want. Get your head on straight.

The first D-Day was tough. In a lot of ways, the second is tougher. The WS has full knowledge of the depth of the pain they created and the risk they took with the M. But they did it again. As bigger said, it is fairly common for a relapse. Was hoping your WW *got* it. Obviously, she doesn't.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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