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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, I very rarely come to the JFO forums, but I saw it was you and skimmed the thread.
Hang in there. It's gonna get better.
Try to get some measure of peace while away. Enjoy the room and nice location. Swimming is usually pretty relaxing....well for me it is anyway!
I'm so sorry your wife did this to you. I'm also of the mind that lies are dealbreakers regardless of the intent.
It's crushing right now. Keep doing what you are doing and your healing will come.
Lots of hugs and strength being sent virtually through here for you.
(((SWAT70)))

ETA: BTW he doesn't win the prize. You do. You have cut sling load loose and can move forward now. In time you will look back and see that by doing EVERYTHING in your power that you will have no regrets and that none of this is on you. It is ALL on her. I'm mad for you.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:42 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

although I haven't followed this thread fully, so maybe there is something I'm missing.

Ibuzz, I would suggest then, that you DO read his thread FULLY. Your heart may be in the right place, but you seem to be backing the wrong horse in this race.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your heart may be in the right place, but you seem to be backing the wrong horse in this race.

I read Ibuzz's posts, must have missed the part where she backed the wrong horse. I only saw support for SWAT. What specifically are you referring to?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
bytheboard
♀ Member
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add some more good thoughts and support. My heart breaks for you reading this. I hope you are able to find some peace and clarity on your trip. Thinking of you!


BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 55 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thing i,s she lied and said she was home cleaning. She could have told you what was going on instead of leaving you out of the loop once again. She could have turned to you for support to turn OM away, she didn't, and then caved in and went and saw him. Doesn't matter if it wasn't rekindling the A. She went, she gave him an opportunity to sway her. She knowingly excluded you.

Now she is blowing up your phone because too late she realizes she should have handled this entirely in a different way. She hasn't learned to stop lying, to set boundaries and to take responsibility for her poor choices. I'm not trying to bash her, just pointing out the hard facts of what happened.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2941 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I've followed your story from the beginning and this thread prompted Nero register and post. Far too many people have alluded to the idea that it wasn't to restart the affair, but perhaps she just caved in and wanted to talk. That it was too public a place to do anything.

I understand that point but it is wrong. In her email responses her true thoughts are on display. As you pointed out, she did not ignore him, or report him. "I can't"= "I want to, but I'm not supposed to."

Swat, I've never quite believed the sincerity of your wife. I thought her grand displays of remorse were quite too grand. It was always about her. She never stopped her princess attitude. To make it all worse, she knew you posted here and read the playbook.

Swat, she lied to you and met her OM. despite what other posters may feel, I believe you know what this is... She is continuing the affair. She is an active participant. She has displayed, time and again, that you and her family are not her concern, the OM is. I'm sure you'll hear a slew of reasons why she met him and lied to you. But you know the truth. She is continuing the affair anyway she can. Remember, she said I can't. That's all you need to see.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(swat, I'm going to *talk* as if you aren't here.....kind of a 'fly on the wall' thing)

It is a fact that a WS will most often not be able to immediately do NC w/o some hiccups. HOWEVER, that is when the affair is based on consensual behavior.

Swat's case is a bit different and honestly, if I were him, I'd be ready to stick a fork in it too.

IIRC, the *initial* story was that SWAT's co-worker/*friend* was telling his WW that SWAT was was cheating on her and feeding her all kinds of bullshit in order to get her to drop her drawers for *friend*. The result of this is that SWAT *schooled* WW about the deviousness of the coworker/friend's plot, *friend* was subjected to disciplinary action(?) and also a RO(?).

These 2 schmoopies are not a case of *starry eyed* behavior. The OM went on an active campaign to malign SWAT and his WW went along with it.....until SWAT finally got the chance to 'set her straight' and give her the authentic truth and *out* this guy as the conniving snake that he is.

So, for SWAT to come home and find her sitting in a bar with this POSOM is a MUCH larger betrayal than that of a WS who is having a last *closure* meeting, imo.


Now I AM talking to you, SWAT. As far as I'm concerned, she declared war on you by meeting with the 'enemy' behind your back. Her "it's not what you think" is bullshit. In this situation, it doesn't matter if she just sat down with him for a second to ask him to buy girl scout cookies. THAT OM is NO *friend* and she displayed the height of disloyal behavior by meeting with him.....and there is no excuse she can give that will make that meeting *okay*.

Even if you decide not to file for D, her actions have just set the healing and R process back to Less Than Zero.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7942 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sucks!!! The minute "they" believe your gone, the OM bombards your WW with emails to meet. That's not coincidence....it was calculated!!

No doubt they were still communicating!

The "I can't"....proves that they were just biding their time.

I'm really sorry dude. This is all about their sick, sadistic game!!

[This message edited by toby at 7:20 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you left your phone at the hotel, and went out for a great meal with the officers you met. Have a juicy steak, ice cream sundae or whatever makes you happiest.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 358 | Registered: Aug 2012
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat - actually I said you need to be careful not to drink too much period. social media just makes it worse.

I'm just saying that you need to take the emotion out of this. Alcohol can cause you to get extra emotional, angry, sad, etc. At this moment you really need to get ahold of yourself. spend time thinking, sober. but don't obsess. spend time taking it easy and asking yourself what YOU want.

I think at some point you have to listen to what your wife has to say. It may not be enough. but you've got to hear what she has to say, for yourself. Ask what was so important he had to contact her? Ask her why she felt it was ok to betray your trust. Ask her why she felt it was ok to lie to you about where she was and what she was doing?

Ask her if she would trust herself now.

It sounds like she still wants you. So she will say she wanted closure, to tell him calmly that it was over. etc. felt she owed something to him to hear him out. But you can come back and mention that's how she got dragged in before.


After you've heard what she's had to say, and what he's had to say, you can decide if you've really had enough. And I have to tell you, it's ok if you've had enough. You can be a great dad and be divorced from her. You don't have to put up with this anymore. You gave her another chance, and she blew it. She betrayed your trust and lied to you yet again. Whatever you decide, you need to make sure she understands it. She lost her chance. I hope she's happy. But you will be fine. You don't need her. It's no great loss to lose a spouse you can't trust. You might explain that to her as well. Her love isn't worth much, because you can't trust it. she's untrustworthy.

She's really got nothing to offer you but being the mother of your children. And of course, you may still love her. but you've got to think these things out carefully when you're not feeling emotional.

good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 8:55 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SWAT. Just swinging back for another round of support. Was thinking about you a lot today. Keep your head up. Sending positive thoughts, courage, and strength your way.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:02 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you are getting time to yourself and having the chance to sleep and clear your head.

Stay strong.

I agree with other posters. No matter her excuse, i.e. "I was just meeting one last time to get him to stay away." The point is, she didn't need to do that with a restraining order. It IS what she wanted. If, it needed done...the right choice would have been with you there right by her the whole time.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending my support. I've been watching your thread like a hawk these past couple of days.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I'm still not talking to WW. I did have a change to face time with the kids. I texted my BIL and he picked up the kids

DD knows something is wrong. She asked me straight out. She thinks I'm sick or something. I tried to explain to her I'm fine and daddy just needed some time away.

In all of this mess I almost forgot Mother's Day. I'm such a soft touch. The gifts had been bought and the flowers ordered ahead of time. My kids asked if we were gonna take mommy to breakfast. I told them I couldn't because I was out of town but made sure to tell them they could take mommy out. Told my BIL to take them all out and I would pay him back. My boys are upset because daddy isn't there to play "Jedi" with them. (My kids love the clone wars cartoons.) Why does this have to hurt so much?

MIL called me this evening. She just wanted to check on me. I'll give the in laws credit they aren't pushing me to contact WW. MIL did say the wife is freaking out because she can't get in contact with me and is begging everyone to have me call her. MIL said WW made her own bed and she needs to lay in it. .

I just can't do it. I can not be lied to anymore. I'm starting to think out whole relationship was just a big act.

I've been out on the town for a while. It's kind of cool, I've meet cops everywhere I've gone. Been to a couple of resturaunts and bars and everyone has been really friendly. I was talking to a really nice older couple at The Dubliner. She grew up about two hours from me and said she knew the father of the police officer whose funeral I attended. They are in town because their grandson was a LODD and being added to the wall this year. I tried to buy them dinner but they wouldn't have it. Then I left and got back to the hotel and life as I don't want it to be came crashing down on me again. WW is still sending messages. I haven't actually gotten up the nerve to read them.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT: Glad to here you have been connecting with some good people. I am also glad you got to talk to your kids. I hope you will have some time to urself to plan ur next steps. As u will have to face WW and kids shortly.

I read something in another thread today that I feel might help you: Don;t let your hate for your WW exceed ur love for your kids. They will need you to be strong so they will continue to see the strong Jedi father they admire.

Keep us posted brother. As you can tell by the large number of posts, we are all pulling for you.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my in-laws had been as supportive as yours. Good for them and you. If there were more inlaws like yours there would be fewer divorces.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is very odd to me is why didn't they wait until she KNEW you were out of town? And meeting in a public place?
This is either a very loud message of f@@@ you we don't care if we're discovered or were so in lurrrve we don't care about the rest of the world or ???

MIL may be message conduit to WW, so be circumspect in what you say to her. While what she tells you is supportive, WW is and will always be her daughter.

I agree with you and the others that there cannot be a rational reason for this meeting that bodes well for the M.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:49 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is very odd to me is why didn't they wait until she KNEW you were out of town?

If I recall correctly, it was supposed to be a weekend away for SWAT and the Bitch. He was going to surprise her.

It breaks my heart for you to type that out Swat.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't do it. I can not be lied to anymore. I'm starting to think out whole relationship was just a big act.

You need to text her that. And add you can't be betrayed anymore. And you obviously can't trust her to be honest with you. Tell her this is probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

and then silence again..


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


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