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Newest Member: doihavechoice (44727)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sad and angry because I should have been in the pictures.

SWAT - very gently - this is the sadness talking. You were scheduled to be in DC, as you are. Your WW was then added to the trip.

So, originally, you would not have been in the pictures either way, and you would have been happy that your kids were having a good time. I hope you're able to do that now.

The second plan had this entire day happening at some other point in time as your wife was supposed to be in DC with you. That means there would be no pics at all.

I completely get that sadness. The nostalgia of what 'could have been', but please don't start beating yourself up now. Remember, before she decided OM was worth risking it all, you would be just where you are. This event didn't steal that moment from you.

Yes, there will be others, but please don't let these pictures ruin your frame of mind during your trip. That's all I'm saying.

(((((SWAT)))))


EDIT: Thank you for the Happy Mother's Day wishes!!!

[This message edited by painfulpast at 10:03 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, continue to take care of YOU. I am glad you are able to take some time away for yourself. As other posters have said, only YOU can decide the next right step for you. There is no "right" answer we can give you. The right step is your decision.

Know you have support through this tangled web that you live in. It is normal to feel all the emotions you are feeling.

In regards to you comment about supporting others....you would be surprised what a comment here and there does also. I found I could be more supportive after I had done some healing. You will be able to pass that support on...don't underestimate yourself!

Have a safe trip home.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I did get a new phone. All of my in laws have the new number but only after I got assurances they would not give the number to WW. Only problem is my email can't change. But WW is currently blocked. It's kind of neat to have so much memory on the new iPhone. I can take lots of pictures and video now.

While today should be a day I'm celebrating with my family and I am not. I am surprisingly ok. I'm not exactly happy but I'm ok. I'm going to relax, drink some beer(in moderation of course) and take in the sights of the Capitol and honor my fallen brothers and sisters. I am a fighter and I believe an honorable man and I will be ok. Right now I feel divorce is my only option but you all have BTDT and know I could change my mind tommorrow. But I am sure no matter what happens I will be ok and that is due to you all.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painful past thank you and you are of course right. I guess my thoughts are of what could have been without any infidelity.

While not practical. Could've, should've and would've are words I don't ever want to hear again.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the sun is peeking out here and there and I've got a lunch date. Meeting a group of NYPD bagpipers for lunch. I'll check in a little later.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike7, I agree with you that SWAT should hear them out when he's ready to but I don't think whatever they have to say should change his mind. So what if WW knew OM for a long time? So what if they have some sort of history together? Wouldn't that just be another lie his WW kept from telling him when this all started? What could either of them possibly say to make what happened some how okay after everything OM did to destroy SWAT's family? Luckily, SWAT isn't accepting of excuses and pretty language meant to minimize what his WW did. He's been very open and good about looking at the possibility that his wife is not a remorseful as she seems. Where as some hopeful BS would likely accept some flimsy reasoning on the way to R, I hope and trust that SWAT will not as cheating was a deal breaker for him that his WW talked out of him and convinced him to R by playing that role. Now the veil has dropped and it turns out she wasn't as good of a candidate as we thought and she appears to be doing everything in her power to talk him out of D again. I wouldn't be giving out a third chance in SWAT's position either. She knew the conditions of chance #2 and followed them including cluing SWAT in on contact from OM and handling it together up until this point. This was not new to her and she knew she did exactly what she shouldn't have on all accounts - breaking NC, not taking responsibility for the NC, meeting up with him in person, and lying about it all. I think breaks of NC are common in part because there was SOME sort of break down of communication as to what R conditions meant to WS (even if it was only in WS's mind). In this case I believe SWAT was very clear about what he needed and what not getting it meant to WW, she agreed, and then she did it anyways.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things will get better. A lot of sayings can come into a persons mind at times like this, for example, it is darkest before the sun comes...something like that.

It is great you are able to be with other officers there and in a sense talk shop to help you through this tough day.

I was not going to bring this up, it might be completely irrelevant at this time. Someone in a post said

WW? She went to a bar to have drinks with him

SWAT did you see her drinking?

Also, did you see her laughing or anything like that?

Those are the things I would have looked for and they would have stuck in my mind.

My wife took the affair underground for a while until one day I caught her using one of the courtesy phones in a grocery store talking..obviously to the OM. The worst part was I saw her laughing.

That was when I had had enough of it all.


Posts: 3796 | Registered: Jun 2002
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember , she admitted she never seriously believed Swat was having an affair.

Here is a trend that I've seen before and I think it's happening here. Some posters believe that the WS "gets it," and therefore they want to give the WS benefit of the doubt.

Swat's WS has read his threads here. That gave her the opportunity to tailor her actions to everything g she has read here. She can give the APPEARANCE of a remorseful spouse without actually being a remorseful spouse. All of this allows her to continue her deception and betrayal. Swat would have never known she met her OM had he not come home. This is , unfortunately, a straight forward incident. Swat can listen to what she has to say but it changes nothing. Once again, she has chosen the OM over her husband


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also had a WS who read my posts on SI, and tried to use them against me in Court and at my job to get me in trouble... So I am clearly a tad jaded in that arena...

But SWAT I do just want to say take your time. I am now D from the Dooosh, and am living a fulfilling authentic life. I tried to make it work, but after 2 false Rs, lots of lying and his complete disregard for me or my children I was done.

No one IRL or on SI could tell me my path. I had to discover it on my own, as you will too. Please try to enjoy your little mental break. You will make it through.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3555 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meeting a group of NYPD bagpipers for lunch. I'll check in a little later.
So jealous! I just really like men in kilts, don't know why, but I do. Have a great time, DC is an awesome city. The Memorial Week sounds very empowering for all LEO's.

p.s. my DS18 wants to be in law enforcement. I am so sad for the couple who lost their grandson in the LOD.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

I've never responded to your threads previously, but like many others, have closely followed your posts. I think it's because you have a sincere, genuine way of expressing yourself that touches many of us. I imagine you are a terrific police officer.

I think that the best thing for you is to take care of yourself right now, as you are doing. You are doing the right thing by ignoring her communications. This is NOT an emergency, and it can wait. You will make much better decisions for yourself in the long run if you don't worry about anything for now. You have been in a state of shock for a long time now, since DDay, and you really need a break. Shelve it all, and when you feel bad, turn to us for a dose of support.

And...it's a fantastic day in DC (where I live); I'm glad you're enjoying it. Even if you've already seen the monuments, please consider seeing them again, when they're lit up at night - simply magical. It makes you realize all of the amazing people and events that occurred long before we ever graced this planet.

t/j: Sister, Men In Kilts sounds like a Monty Python sketch.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow SWAT,
Hiding from you wife and heading for a date in a bar with a bunch of men wearing skirts…
Sure you are in the right forum?

All joking aside SWAT – can you confirm your wife is reading your posts here?


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5519 | Registered: Sep 2005
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Swat,

As you move further down this path, you will pay everyone here back by helping new members with your wisdom and hard lessons learned.

Hmmm.......men in skirts and beer.

Dangerous combination.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
twitching
♀ Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One day at a time, SWAT. It's not an emergency. You do not have to decide all things today. Take your time.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just so y'all know its not all men in kilts here. There are some pretty attractive ladies as well.

Bigger. I'm quite sure WW is reading my posts. She knows I'm in DC right now. I'm actually ok win her reading them. I have nothing to hide and she can read everything on here I don't really care anymore. She choose to lie to me. Everyone is right it's the lies that ruin everything. I could almost deal with the sex part. It's the lying that hurts the most now. Her tears and promises mean nothing because she can not be honest.

I did text her a short time ago. "Happy Mother's Day. I hope the kids behaved themselves and you liked their gifts. I wanted you to know I'm fine and DC is really kind of cool."

"Just so you know. I'm done being lied too and manipulated. You got the chance you said that you wanted and you know what happened. I'll be home in a few days so please stop texting me. I'm not going to answer your texts. I can't trust you anymore so when I get home I'll be looking for a place of my own. If you ever cared for me at all, please stop sending me messages. I need to be alone for a while and your constant
messaging doesn't help. You can have BIL or your parents contact me in an emergency. Any other questions you have can go through my attorney."


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you didn't text her from your new number.

ETA - I know you said she is blocked and can still email but if she has the new number, I wouldn't put it past her to start calling from a number other than her own.

[This message edited by Chicky at 4:28 PM, May 11th (Sunday)]


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear that you're sounding better Swat. I believe you're making the right decision. Whatever she has to say, or her BIL , about what she did is absolutely meaningless. No excuse to break no contact and meet with him. Especially after "i cant." Her intentions with her OM are clear.

Sorry this has happened to you, again. The only way through it is through it, as my drill sergeants would say. But you'll make it.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my week just got better. I got a text from a few coworkers. They came down with their spouses to hang out with me.

No I used my old phone. WW doesn't have the new number.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT- did you have that burger for me at Elephant and Cask??

Good for you setting boundaries. Keep them strong.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
UneasyFeelings
♂ Member
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear this troubling news brother. I really had high hopes for the 2 of you. This shit sandwich we've been served. Can't get the taste out of my mouth. Just found out some TT myself. Good luck to you. Chin up.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Jan 2014
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