Hey Mrs. SWAT,
Let me start by apologizing on behalf of us posters for some of the words used to describe you. For what it’s worth then I – a relative old-timer here on SI – don’t see you as this mixed up sociopath evil mastermind that many do. I don’t see any gain in calling you names and frankly I don’t think doing so in any way helps you, SWAT or the situation.
You are definitely no angel and I’m not in any way diminishing or defending your actions. But I don’t think you are irrevocably broken or bad.
Just keep in mind this is the JFO forum. Most posters here are still fresh from their pain and that can be reflected in their posts. Plus speaking for myself – strong words and phrases tend to get the betrayed spouse faster on course.
What I do see when I deal with people in infidelity is confusion, panic and a lack of direction.
Mrs. SWAT – Your husband is hurt. Real bad. He does not like being hurt. He’s like an oak branch that can carry a lot of weight but will snap if enough is added. And he’s afraid of snapping. He truly believes that what he went through was bordering on too much. Then he catches you again with OM… He’s not willing to add more weight. He’s not willing to snap because there is way too much at risk.
Get that? He’s not willing to snap. This in turn implies that SWAT hasn’t snapped already…
I firmly believe SWAT will survive infidelity. I’m not so sure it will be with you but believe me – I hope so. I hope that you see the light enough to realize that it’s not enough to fear losing him. You also need to fear not being in this marriage because right now you aren’t.
Mrs. SWAT – One of my heroes here on SI is now a moderator that goes by the tag of Wifehad5.
I often wonder how he can carry that name because it’s such an eternal reminder of what he went through. His wife BrokenRoad has over 10.000 posts here on SI – a lot of them guiding other wayward spouses out of infidelity. Their journey to recovery was an extremely long and tough one but they eventually made it.
I’m pointing them out because recovery can be done. It can be attained. Even from the direst of situations.
But… for every success story I know of dozens of not so successful cases…
Mrs. SWAT – If you want to have any chance of even possibly saving your future relationship with Mr. SWAT I suggest the following:
Create your own profile here on SI. Go to the wayward forum and post your thoughts and story. Seek the guidance of the fantastic people there like BrokernRoad. You can mark your thread so we BS will totally let you in peace.
I can tell you already one of the major factors they will point out: Start by healing YOU before you even think you can heal your marriage.
Peace Mrs. SWAT
Ps. Mrs. SWAT – remember you are totally free to do whatever you want. If OM is so addictive and you can’t be without him then you are totally free to see him. Only let SWAT go. Let him move on.
Bigger. I want to thank you for your post to my wife. I'm sure she has seen it. But I can tell you this she won't post here I am sure of it. I know her and she has seen some of the things people have said about her. She will not allow herself to be seen in a bad light. I realized everything she has done up to this point is an act. Everyone has said to me actions speak louder than words. Her actions have spoke and her words meant nothing.
DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe
Anyway. Swat, your most recent post cut right to it: actions over words. Some people can break out psychology books to dig for a deeper reason as to why she did it, and that you should hear her out. I think it's unnecessary. In this case, it's cut and dry. It was all an act. I don't think anyone has really beaten her up on this thread, rather people have just pointed out the reality of the situation. Her own MIL said it best about laying in the bed she made. Time to focus on healing you.
I hope your weekend in DC is providing some distraction.
Breathe deep. It's going to be ok.
No alcohol and social media.
Wishing you strength. I am also praying Mrs Swat, will get over herself enough to post in the wayward section. For me if my fwh didn't do what I needed him to do on a consistence basis, we couldn't have recovered.
Mrs Swat needs to realize she needs to be willing to walk over razor blades if she has a hope of recovery, which includes taking off her mask of fakery and posting if need be in the wayward section. For even the hope of recovery, Mrs Swat needs to be willing to do whatever, whenever. I am sure she has herself convinced that what she did wasn't that bad.
Here's hoping! Hugs Swat!
SWAT - If this is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. But you have to be aware of what Bigger said, there are many, many couples here whose spouses made more than one mistake. The wayward forum is loaded with waywards that stumbled more than once and yet have redeemed themselves.
There are many things you could do instead of the final decision of divorce. For example, you and she could both sign the divorce papers but not send them in. You could tell her that if she break's NC even one more time, you will send them in. Then you don't have to wait for her to sign them. That's just one example. There are lot's of things you could do. You could think them up. But don't make a decision for awhile. You know your wife better than we do. You have time. There is no rush.
I'm no pushover. I got banned from Wayward early on for essentially calling bullshit on wayward excuses. I always hammer the BS's who have spouses that aren't treating them right and sit back and take it. But in the case of a spouse who goes out of their way to choose their BS, I'm a little more forgiving. WS's have a screwed up thinking pattern, it's very selfish. It's hard for them to actually know what the "right" thing to do is. But they can learn.
Listen to Bigger's advice. He's got over 5000 posts. I consider him a wise poster. It's interesting that he doesn't see your wife as a lost cause. Neither do I.
It's interesting that he doesn't see your wife as a lost cause. Neither do I.
Count me in the crew that doesn't totally count her out. However, it's not my WW under discussion. I'm here to support you.
No matter what.
I don't think being so certain about what her intentions are/were is particularly justified. I don't know, and I'm pretty sure you don't either. I also think you should realize that there is a family involved
I agree. SWAT, however, is sure. He has said, for days now, that he's done. He just told his wife that anything she has to say can be said to an attorney. At this point, how about supporting SWAT in his decision instead of commenting on his children, pulling at heart strings. SWAT has mentioned the children several times. This is very hard on him. Let's support what SWAT wants, not what we want SWAT to want.
SWAT, you do what YOU want. I support you, 100%. This is YOUR decision.
If this is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker.
I also know that this is an emotional time for him. This is a fresh betrayal for him. suggesting he take it slow and not make a snap decision isn't undermining my support for him whatever he chooses. I think he needs to think about this carefully. I don't apologize for advising him so.
As a LEO you know how this plays out. Just like when a skell breaks into a store and robs the place. He gets caught and being its his first offence the judge gives him probation. He is told that he must stay out of trouble and complete whatever it is that was imposed on him. 2 weeks later the SOB breaks into the same damn store and gets caught. He is brought before the same judge who sentenced him the first time. Naturally the judge feels like the fucker simply has no respect for the law, the system, and basically throws up his middle finger at authority. So he throws the book at him. And this is exactly what you need to do as well. Thus far you gave her a break, you offered the gift of R with the understanding and expectation that she is not to contact OM. So what does she do ? She breaks contact, lies to you about it, meets up with him and gets caught once again. So its not only customary that you impose some harsher consequence, its damn right needed at this point. The more shit you let a WS get away with, the more they do. Give them an inch, they take a yard.
IMHO, I think your doing it right. You have exposed her lies, contacted an attorney, signed the D papers, cut her off emotionally, financially, spiritually etc, and most of all you are doing something that is good for YOU. You drew a line in the sand and she not only crossed it, she jump way the fuck over it pissing on you in her travels. So now she must be forced to see that in life when you cross a line, break a law, renege on a promise etc. there are consequences to suffer. Now is going to be the best of times and the worst of times for you. Your resolve is going to be tested, your manhood is on the line and your self respect needs salvaging. How you proceed in the next few days and weeks is going to dictate your future. I strongly urge you to keep up with this hard assed approach towards your WW and her bullshit. She needs to learn that your not some asshole who is easily swayed with a wink and a tear. Hold your ground, demand and expect her to treat you in a respectful manner. And whatever you do, don't back down or give in. Life has to be about your healing and the kids well being. She had the opportunity to try this as a family, she chose the OM. And now that cancer needs to be surgically removed. Cut her lying, cheating ass out and start to heal yourself. Whatever that entails my man. Its all about you from here on in. Hang in there and enjoy your trip to DC.
There is a trend that can occur, and I think its happening here. Because people thought Swat's wife was on the right path and doing the right things, then this latest incident likelyis not what it seems to be. Therefore, she must be heard out.
I disagree with your discussion of the impact on the family in this case. Yes, divorce does break apart families and children suffer. However, in the manner that you have done it, you are transferring the burden of that to Swat, not the wayward spouse. It is SHE has done this to her family. Not him. The Betrayed Spouse is NOT RESPONSIBLE for the impact of infidelity to the family.
Mike7, you say that we don't know her true intentions. Other, wiser posters can make another 5000 posts about what those intentions could be. But come on. She knew the risks and what she would give up. As someone posted, NOTHING the OM has to say would be worth that. SHE wanted to see him. Remember her response : "I CANT."
Actions, actions, actions. I think the bottom line is this: Swat caught her engaging in lies and then found her with her OM. Another betrayal. Another choice of the OM over her husband and her family. It is a dealbreaker for Swat.
Swat, you've done well so far, and I admire your strength in this. I wish I had some of it myself when my DDay occurred.
[This message edited by whipmorgan at 6:40 AM, May 12th (Monday)]
Stay on topic...which is SWAT and his situation. Not his W reading here, not disagreements between members. It's about SWAT only.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
You do what you need to do for yourself and we WILL support you, because that's why we are here. We are not here to make decisions for you.
Read the advice here, take what is helpful to you, and leave the rest.
Although there are a lot of differing opinions being shared, we all have your best interest in mind. Only YOU know what that truly is.
We have your back.