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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since SWATS wife is reading here then this post is addressed to her:

Hey Mrs. SWAT,

Let me start by apologizing on behalf of us posters for some of the words used to describe you. For what its worth then I a relative old-timer here on SI dont see you as this mixed up sociopath evil mastermind that many do. I dont see any gain in calling you names and frankly I dont think doing so in any way helps you, SWAT or the situation.

You are definitely no angel and Im not in any way diminishing or defending your actions. But I dont think you are irrevocably broken or bad.

Just keep in mind this is the JFO forum. Most posters here are still fresh from their pain and that can be reflected in their posts. Plus speaking for myself strong words and phrases tend to get the betrayed spouse faster on course.

What I do see when I deal with people in infidelity is confusion, panic and a lack of direction.

Mrs. SWAT Your husband is hurt. Real bad. He does not like being hurt. Hes like an oak branch that can carry a lot of weight but will snap if enough is added. And hes afraid of snapping. He truly believes that what he went through was bordering on too much. Then he catches you again with OM Hes not willing to add more weight. Hes not willing to snap because there is way too much at risk.

Get that? Hes not willing to snap. This in turn implies that SWAT hasnt snapped already

I firmly believe SWAT will survive infidelity. Im not so sure it will be with you but believe me I hope so. I hope that you see the light enough to realize that its not enough to fear losing him. You also need to fear not being in this marriage because right now you arent.

Mrs. SWAT One of my heroes here on SI is now a moderator that goes by the tag of Wifehad5.
I often wonder how he can carry that name because its such an eternal reminder of what he went through. His wife BrokenRoad has over 10.000 posts here on SI a lot of them guiding other wayward spouses out of infidelity. Their journey to recovery was an extremely long and tough one but they eventually made it.

Im pointing them out because recovery can be done. It can be attained. Even from the direst of situations.

But for every success story I know of dozens of not so successful cases

Mrs. SWAT If you want to have any chance of even possibly saving your future relationship with Mr. SWAT I suggest the following:
Create your own profile here on SI. Go to the wayward forum and post your thoughts and story. Seek the guidance of the fantastic people there like BrokernRoad. You can mark your thread so we BS will totally let you in peace.
I can tell you already one of the major factors they will point out: Start by healing YOU before you even think you can heal your marriage.

Peace Mrs. SWAT


Ps. Mrs. SWAT remember you are totally free to do whatever you want. If OM is so addictive and you cant be without him then you are totally free to see him. Only let SWAT go. Let him move on.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Powerful stuff Bigger.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
knockeddown
♂ Member
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Bigger...that was powerful. Can you send the same to my WW?


Me- BS 27 Always faithful
Her- WS 28
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
2-year-old daughter
DDay-3/15/2014
Marriage Dissolved - 10/9/2014

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb. Not yet but I had dinner at biergarten haus. I think that's the right spelling. German food and beer you can't beat that.

Bigger. I want to thank you for your post to my wife. I'm sure she has seen it. But I can tell you this she won't post here I am sure of it. I know her and she has seen some of the things people have said about her. She will not allow herself to be seen in a bad light. I realized everything she has done up to this point is an act. Everyone has said to me actions speak louder than words. Her actions have spoke and her words meant nothing.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat. First I would like to thank you for the Mother's Day wishes from all of us moms here.
2nd. I admire your strength and courage to being 1 step closer to your happiness. I know is not easy to do. It's probably the hardest thing we all are ever going to have to do. I still haven't got the strength or courage to walk away. I really want to but life is very difficult for me. Due to my accident and not being able to be mobile at this point on top of not being able to work really limits things for me. However my situation may make you feel better. I've been married to a man for 18 years who cheated the entire time and I never knew it until last year. I will get back on my feet and come out much stronger and happier. If I was able to give him loyalty, love, trust, and a child and he could do this to me. I feel sorry the the next woman.
So stay strong and focused on a happier you. Your alot closer to it than I am. Keep moving forward.
Also glad to hear you are having a decent time there. Be proud and thank you for your service.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good lord do I miss German beer.

Anyway. Swat, your most recent post cut right to it: actions over words. Some people can break out psychology books to dig for a deeper reason as to why she did it, and that you should hear her out. I think it's unnecessary. In this case, it's cut and dry. It was all an act. I don't think anyone has really beaten her up on this thread, rather people have just pointed out the reality of the situation. Her own MIL said it best about laying in the bed she made. Time to focus on healing you.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:::clink::: tapping our steins together....but mine has chai tea in it.

I hope your weekend in DC is providing some distraction.

Breathe deep. It's going to be ok.

Kids first.

No alcohol and social media.

SWAT recovers.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat,

Wishing you strength. I am also praying Mrs Swat, will get over herself enough to post in the wayward section. For me if my fwh didn't do what I needed him to do on a consistence basis, we couldn't have recovered.

Mrs Swat needs to realize she needs to be willing to walk over razor blades if she has a hope of recovery, which includes taking off her mask of fakery and posting if need be in the wayward section. For even the hope of recovery, Mrs Swat needs to be willing to do whatever, whenever. I am sure she has herself convinced that what she did wasn't that bad.

Here's hoping! Hugs Swat!


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 330 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat- I have been following your story for a while now, especially this latest development. I am so sorry you are going through this! I haven't posted to you until now simply because this is my worst nightmare! I understand your current decision very well because I would have done the same. Not only have she betrayed you once, but to watch you go through what we do and then to betray you again, would be something I could not overlook. Maybe one day when you have protected and looked after yourself and your WW has finally changed herself you both can find each other again... Maybe you won't want her even then. My heart goes out to you and my wishes that you find happiness again and not let this ruin the amazing person you are! She made the mistakes, allowing yourself to be open to loving someone even when they have hurt you doesn't make you a fool!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whipmorgan - you have 8 posts, all on this thread, all trying to insure that SWAT doesn't see anything good in his wife or her intentions. I don't think being so certain about what her intentions are/were is particularly justified. I don't know, and I'm pretty sure you don't either. I also think you should realize that there is a family involved. Three innocent children may lose their family. It may be necessary. You have a right to your opinion as we all do. I only mention the above in case you think that perhaps there's actually a small chance this family can be saved. Because if there is, maybe SWAT should consider it.


SWAT - If this is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. But you have to be aware of what Bigger said, there are many, many couples here whose spouses made more than one mistake. The wayward forum is loaded with waywards that stumbled more than once and yet have redeemed themselves.

There are many things you could do instead of the final decision of divorce. For example, you and she could both sign the divorce papers but not send them in. You could tell her that if she break's NC even one more time, you will send them in. Then you don't have to wait for her to sign them. That's just one example. There are lot's of things you could do. You could think them up. But don't make a decision for awhile. You know your wife better than we do. You have time. There is no rush.

I'm no pushover. I got banned from Wayward early on for essentially calling bullshit on wayward excuses. I always hammer the BS's who have spouses that aren't treating them right and sit back and take it. But in the case of a spouse who goes out of their way to choose their BS, I'm a little more forgiving. WS's have a screwed up thinking pattern, it's very selfish. It's hard for them to actually know what the "right" thing to do is. But they can learn.

Listen to Bigger's advice. He's got over 5000 posts. I consider him a wise poster. It's interesting that he doesn't see your wife as a lost cause. Neither do I.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's interesting that he doesn't see your wife as a lost cause. Neither do I.

Count me in the crew that doesn't totally count her out. However, it's not my WW under discussion. I'm here to support you.

No matter what.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3177 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think being so certain about what her intentions are/were is particularly justified. I don't know, and I'm pretty sure you don't either. I also think you should realize that there is a family involved
.

I agree. SWAT, however, is sure. He has said, for days now, that he's done. He just told his wife that anything she has to say can be said to an attorney. At this point, how about supporting SWAT in his decision instead of commenting on his children, pulling at heart strings. SWAT has mentioned the children several times. This is very hard on him. Let's support what SWAT wants, not what we want SWAT to want.

SWAT, you do what YOU want. I support you, 100%. This is YOUR decision.

(((((SWAT)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I support him. See below.

If this is a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker.


I also know that this is an emotional time for him. This is a fresh betrayal for him. suggesting he take it slow and not make a snap decision isn't undermining my support for him whatever he chooses. I think he needs to think about this carefully. I don't apologize for advising him so.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I'm a bit late to post but I think what your doing is the best thing you can given the circumstances. Who the fuck cares what her reasoning was to see OM. She broke NC period end of story. Sooner or later your gonna have to talk to her. And she is going to try and convince you that meeting up with OM was some needed thing. That she needed closure, or OM was threatening her, OM was suicidal, He needed a kidney transplant, they formulated a plan for world peace, the world was going to end unless they met etc. etc. etc. You get the picture here my man. Bottom line is she lied to you, she disrespected you once again, this time much worse than before because she knew that her M was on the line. She did it anyway because she does not give one fucking shit about how you feel my man. Its all about her, has been and still is. So don't let her tear filled apology, her claims of love, her promises sworn on the souls of your children sway you from wand hat your doing. This bitch needs a big spoonful of reality, she needs to experience hard consequence for her actions.

As a LEO you know how this plays out. Just like when a skell breaks into a store and robs the place. He gets caught and being its his first offence the judge gives him probation. He is told that he must stay out of trouble and complete whatever it is that was imposed on him. 2 weeks later the SOB breaks into the same damn store and gets caught. He is brought before the same judge who sentenced him the first time. Naturally the judge feels like the fucker simply has no respect for the law, the system, and basically throws up his middle finger at authority. So he throws the book at him. And this is exactly what you need to do as well. Thus far you gave her a break, you offered the gift of R with the understanding and expectation that she is not to contact OM. So what does she do ? She breaks contact, lies to you about it, meets up with him and gets caught once again. So its not only customary that you impose some harsher consequence, its damn right needed at this point. The more shit you let a WS get away with, the more they do. Give them an inch, they take a yard.

IMHO, I think your doing it right. You have exposed her lies, contacted an attorney, signed the D papers, cut her off emotionally, financially, spiritually etc, and most of all you are doing something that is good for YOU. You drew a line in the sand and she not only crossed it, she jump way the fuck over it pissing on you in her travels. So now she must be forced to see that in life when you cross a line, break a law, renege on a promise etc. there are consequences to suffer. Now is going to be the best of times and the worst of times for you. Your resolve is going to be tested, your manhood is on the line and your self respect needs salvaging. How you proceed in the next few days and weeks is going to dictate your future. I strongly urge you to keep up with this hard assed approach towards your WW and her bullshit. She needs to learn that your not some asshole who is easily swayed with a wink and a tear. Hold your ground, demand and expect her to treat you in a respectful manner. And whatever you do, don't back down or give in. Life has to be about your healing and the kids well being. She had the opportunity to try this as a family, she chose the OM. And now that cancer needs to be surgically removed. Cut her lying, cheating ass out and start to heal yourself. Whatever that entails my man. Its all about you from here on in. Hang in there and enjoy your trip to DC.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Nov 2007
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike7,
One person here knows my story, and perhaps someday I will post it. As I explained before, I've always followed Swat's story and felt compelled to post after this latest turn.

There is a trend that can occur, and I think its happening here. Because people thought Swat's wife was on the right path and doing the right things, then this latest incident likelyis not what it seems to be. Therefore, she must be heard out.

I disagree with your discussion of the impact on the family in this case. Yes, divorce does break apart families and children suffer. However, in the manner that you have done it, you are transferring the burden of that to Swat, not the wayward spouse. It is SHE has done this to her family. Not him. The Betrayed Spouse is NOT RESPONSIBLE for the impact of infidelity to the family.

Mike7, you say that we don't know her true intentions. Other, wiser posters can make another 5000 posts about what those intentions could be. But come on. She knew the risks and what she would give up. As someone posted, NOTHING the OM has to say would be worth that. SHE wanted to see him. Remember her response : "I CANT."

Actions, actions, actions. I think the bottom line is this: Swat caught her engaging in lies and then found her with her OM. Another betrayal. Another choice of the OM over her husband and her family. It is a dealbreaker for Swat.

Swat, you've done well so far, and I admire your strength in this. I wish I had some of it myself when my DDay occurred.

[This message edited by whipmorgan at 6:40 AM, May 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i guess we disagree then.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you could see that we agree on disagreeing..

Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:48 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please stop derailing this thread.

Stay on topic...which is SWAT and his situation. Not his W reading here, not disagreements between members. It's about SWAT only.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198880 | Registered: May 2002
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - are you in IC?

You do what you need to do for yourself and we WILL support you, because that's why we are here. We are not here to make decisions for you.

Read the advice here, take what is helpful to you, and leave the rest.

Although there are a lot of differing opinions being shared, we all have your best interest in mind. Only YOU know what that truly is.

We have your back.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I'm glad you enjoyed a good meal and some good beer. I hope you rested well and are able to have the peace that you need to process everything that has happened. I know how frustrating and isolating this stuff can be.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
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