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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM wins...I'm done.
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad that you go to go to DC. I rode in the Sacramento memorial about 5 years ago, when we had the largest contingent of mounted officers attending since the very early 1900s. It was wicked awesome. Plus the ride, 4-abreast in Old Town Sacrament, and then the BBQ. Yeah, not a good time to be a lawbreaker there!

Glad that you got some much-needed mental time away. Take your breaks from this hellish rollercoaster when you can. You need them and you'll be a better father for them.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4676 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry Swat I have been staying out of the thread because a lot of people are helping/rooting for you.

I had to point out your IC take on your W:

While she believes my wife is remorseful

She may have believed your W to be remorseful at the time, but with present information included, I can't agree that your W has remorse. She may have talked about remorse to the point she could "fool" everyone, but she is not acting very remorseful. She regrets a lot I'm sure, but remorse is a lot different.

Don't feel bad about that though. Most WS don't just "get" remorse, they find it. I would argue with anyone that would say a WS this close to Dday really has true remorse. Odd cases can happen, but they are the exception not the norm.

It takes time and a "hitting bottom" woe is me phase exhaustion before the pro-active remorse becomes evident. If she was really was remorseful she would just let you be and tell you that she is ready to talk when you are. She wouldn't be trying to do damage control. That is exactly what trying to talk to you is all about right now. Her head is not in the right place.

If she did have remorse, she would have shown you how much more your M means to her than breaking NC (in person no less), lie to you and then try to desperately contact you to "persuade" you to see her POV. Selfish and entitled for sure, but that is not what remorse looks like.

Take some time and detach some. It will save your sanity. Right now you are in the forest. You have to get out of that forest before you can see all the trees.

Be kind to yourself. There is not one part of this that is even a little bit your fault. If loving, trusting and being honorable to someone is that bad of a thing, you can count me as a bad person too. In time you will come to see that your W did this to herself. No matter which way you decide to go you ARE going to be free of this mess and walk away with a clear conscience.

The best advice I got early on that I got was something to effect of that I didn't really understand what had happened yet and I needed to give it time. It is true neither you or your W understand or "get" this whole infidelity, D, R thing right now. That is ok. It is a race not a sprint.

Take care man.

If you are looking to splurge (or someone else is going to buy you dinner) go to Canal Street. Lots of good places there, but you get what you pay for. (read $$$$$) Foggy bottom bars are good for a burger and a beer.

Kenny's is good old school Asian, but fancy and pricey.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallyscrewedup,

Swat's WW is a member here and entitled to support like all the members here. Please stick to supporting Swat without calling out his wife. Calling out members is against the guidelines.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I think you are smart to not read her thread. There are a lot of good people on the Wayward board, if she is putting on an act at least one person over there will call her on it.

Stay focused on you, which I think you're doing a great job of.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's really troubling is that everything she says seems to be a lie. From the reason for the affair to her cleaning the house. As a LEO, you know the type, don't you.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:40 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,
Late to the thread, so sorry to hear everything went to shit. I was really thinking she was going to make it right, but I guess not.
You, on the other hand, are going to make it. You are fortunate to have friends and co-workers, not to mention legions of invisible SI supporters.
Life is too short to let circumstances consume you, when you can walk away. Don't be the martyr, you have time to find that life you deserve with someone worthy.
Time to enjoy it. Good luck and keep in touch.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat I read your ww thread.
Stay the course in my opinion.
You gave her a chance time to find someone who isn't broken.
You can't believe a thing she says now anyway.
Sorry bro.

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come on guys!
SWAT has himself said he probably won’t read his WW thread.
So what good are we doing in telling him what’s going on there?


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5502 | Registered: Sep 2005
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Bigger!!! Couldn't agree more. Support SWAT. He doesn't want to read. HELP HIM!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2669 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, Bigger.

Let's let our fantastic former waywards advise SWAT's WW. They will tell her what she needs to do to help heal herself and help SWAT..if he chooses to try to R. They can also 2x4 her if need be. We don't need to respond to her posts here. And Im *pretty sure* it's against SI rules.

Im glad she's posting. She clearly needs help..where better than SI to find out how to go about it?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My point was talk is cheap her actions show otherwise that's all.
Sounds like he has a great support system at work and that is awesome.

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
whipmorgan
New Member
Member # 43393
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, I spent several crazy but good years in the Army. I see my army buds and we get together on occasion. I always feel myself centered , or reset(again, lack of better terms) when I am with them.

Perhaps something similar is happening with you being around fellow LEOs. I think this trip is helping center you. I encourage you not to read her posts and do your best to stay on you. I know it's easier said than done, but I can think of no other way to say it

[This message edited by whipmorgan at 4:37 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a military brat, DC is amazing. There is so much to see and do. Just don't visit K street if you can help it. Georgetown is okay for the most part. Being a lone female when I went there, it was kind of tough. Thank goodness that I was in a good hotel with good security that had a direct tunnel from the subway. Stupid me for running out for a glass of wine after dark. That was just after 9/11. Never left the hotel without a hotel escort after that.

This is the best time of year to walk or run around "the pond." Smelling the cherry blossoms as you pound pavement and they dance around you with each breeze. It's such a calming experience in the middle of such an important city. Stop and watch the ducks. They live in the moment.

There are benches there where you can just sit down and put things into perspective. I hope you do.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 270 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, this is my first post here, and it's your story that motivate me to actually sign up. I was an LEO myself for a number of years before moving here (I'm not originally from the USA).

I hope you're enjoying your time in DC. Enjoy the company of your brothers (and sisters) in blue, get your head straight and then go home to do what you feel is right for you as regards your situation.

Sending positive vibes in your direction.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 175 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay the course and demand the respect you deserve. Know anything less than that means they are incapable of owning their choices and too weak to do the real work of R.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8077 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

I’m glad your wife is posting.

Whether you two reconcile or not isn’t really the main issue right now. That’s something that might or might not happen. What is definite though is the fact that you two will co-parent and will always have to have some interaction simply because of your kids. To that end you need to be able to interact and communicate at some level. To that end you should hope – totally irrespective of whether you reconcile or not – that she too makes it out of infidelity.

Heck SWAT – if all these posters telling you she is such a nut-case and what not are correct – and if you believe them – you should be gunning for custody because she would be a dangerous mother. If she has no chance of recovery, no chance of redemption… then you should be planning to make your kids safe.

But I think you KNOW your wife is really a misguided, confused and sick person and not an innately BAD person. What and where she is right now is not what she wants to be and with help she too can get out of infidelity.

Whether it’s with you or without is a totally different issue.

Once again I’m going to refer to your training. You probably recognize the tense situations LEO’s get into. You arrive at a scene and have two or more people ready to go ballistic, arguing over some issue. Sometimes the best solution is to divert, let time pass and defuse the situation. Once everything is calm you can get the parties to settle the situation in an agreeable way.
Enjoy your time off. Spend it in good company. Go for walks. Eat good meals. Drink in moderation. Focus on the good things in your life – your children, your career, your friends. Refuse to entertain the bad thoughts. This is a marathon and it’s OK to take time off from the misery. It will be there when you return.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5502 | Registered: Sep 2005
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT.

Only you can make the decision to stay or go. On SI we only know whats said by you and maybe your WW. But I know theres allot more to it than whats said. This stuff is complicated

You gave your WW a chance and she violated your trust and sought out her OM. What you choose to do about that is up to you.

I can offer little advice other than to say that only you will know when you are truly done. So take this time alone to forget about the problem for a little while. Then come back to it with a fresh mind.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3417 | Registered: Sep 2007
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if all these posters telling you she is such a nut-case and what not are correct – and if you believe them – you should be gunning for custody because she would be a dangerous mother. If she has no chance of recovery, no chance of redemption… then you should be planning to make your kids safe.

No one, IMO, has no chance of redemption. We all are human. Fucking up is a part of this wonderful gift of life on the planet. It is what you do about it that defines you as a person and a partner.

Having said that-

SWAT, by his own admission, has been unable to establish healthy boundaries in regards to her entitlement. It is a long term problem that is only more keenly come to light post affair.

But I think you KNOW your wife is really a misguided, confused and sick person and not an innately BAD person.

I think her behavior has been very, very bad. I don't think it has to define her for the rest of her life, but I don't think anyone does Mrs. SWAT a service by saying that her behavior was simply misguided.

The most recent example of manipulation was involving her brothers help and approval in breaking NC. SWAT didn't take her to DC. Suddenly she meets OM to tell him to leave her alone? Not sure that passes the smell test all the way. Maybe she did want to tell OM to go away, but how do you separate that from the fact that breaking NC in the face of being left at home is a pretty big FU to SWAT?

She has had no problem making decisions for her marriage without the consent of her spouse and acting on them. That includes several instances post A.

This isn't a wounded bird caught in the snare of the mustache twisting evil OM. She is a party to the affair. She went there. And she involved his workmates and her family in her betrayal and breaking NC. Whatever her intention, she substituted her judgment and needs over that of the commitment she made to her BS.

Are these insurmountable issues? No. Change is possible. If anything the board has proven, it is that dedicated and loving people can some out the other side.

Stronger. And in love.

But own the shit. All of it. Look at it as what it is. Not through the prism of what it is easy to digest.

That does take time. No one does this is a week or a month.

You can't change ingrained behavior, even as you recognize it, over night. It takes time and a whole hell of a lot practice(and failure).

And unfortunately failure is a part of the process for most of us. Is this failure a deal breaker? Only SWAT has the right to decide that. Taking this time to think about it is important. I would urge you, as I have in the past, to use this time you have now to consider what your dealbreakers are- including if this iss one.

If it is not-
What R would have to be like for you to try...

I do have empathy for the both of you. I hope that you both can look hard at this, set solid and firm boundaries for R and start baby stepping it to R.


[This message edited by redrock at 6:10 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, hugs to you. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

It's a roller coaster. You can be fine one minute and a blubbering mess the next. That's OK. We'll support you.

If you need to vent, vent. If you need to ask questions, ask away. If you need to post, post. You're not alone.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3691 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
soulshattered
♂ New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, just checking in brother. Glad to hear you're safe and enjoying yourself, you deserve it. Scanned over a bunch of the posts since last time I checked in on you and it's heartening to know you're still getting tons of support. I'm still raw so advice from me is not necessarily useful, but I will say this - don't read her posts while you're away. You've stayed the course so far and it sounds like you're doing alright. You deserve the break and you can deal with the shitstorm later. Be strong and take care of yourself.


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
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