Glad that you got some much-needed mental time away. Take your breaks from this hellish rollercoaster when you can. You need them and you'll be a better father for them.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I had to point out your IC take on your W:
While she believes my wife is remorseful
She may have believed your W to be remorseful at the time, but with present information included, I can't agree that your W has remorse. She may have talked about remorse to the point she could "fool" everyone, but she is not acting very remorseful. She regrets a lot I'm sure, but remorse is a lot different.
Don't feel bad about that though. Most WS don't just "get" remorse, they find it. I would argue with anyone that would say a WS this close to Dday really has true remorse. Odd cases can happen, but they are the exception not the norm.
It takes time and a "hitting bottom" woe is me phase exhaustion before the pro-active remorse becomes evident. If she was really was remorseful she would just let you be and tell you that she is ready to talk when you are. She wouldn't be trying to do damage control. That is exactly what trying to talk to you is all about right now. Her head is not in the right place.
If she did have remorse, she would have shown you how much more your M means to her than breaking NC (in person no less), lie to you and then try to desperately contact you to "persuade" you to see her POV. Selfish and entitled for sure, but that is not what remorse looks like.
Take some time and detach some. It will save your sanity. Right now you are in the forest. You have to get out of that forest before you can see all the trees.
Be kind to yourself. There is not one part of this that is even a little bit your fault. If loving, trusting and being honorable to someone is that bad of a thing, you can count me as a bad person too. In time you will come to see that your W did this to herself. No matter which way you decide to go you ARE going to be free of this mess and walk away with a clear conscience.
The best advice I got early on that I got was something to effect of that I didn't really understand what had happened yet and I needed to give it time. It is true neither you or your W understand or "get" this whole infidelity, D, R thing right now. That is ok. It is a race not a sprint.
Take care man.
If you are looking to splurge (or someone else is going to buy you dinner) go to Canal Street. Lots of good places there, but you get what you pay for. (read $$$$$) Foggy bottom bars are good for a burger and a beer.
Kenny's is good old school Asian, but fancy and pricey.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Swat's WW is a member here and entitled to support like all the members here. Please stick to supporting Swat without calling out his wife. Calling out members is against the guidelines.
Stay focused on you, which I think you're doing a great job of.
What's really troubling is that everything she says seems to be a lie. From the reason for the affair to her cleaning the house. As a LEO, you know the type, don't you.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:40 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
Let's let our fantastic former waywards advise SWAT's WW. They will tell her what she needs to do to help heal herself and help SWAT..if he chooses to try to R. They can also 2x4 her if need be. We don't need to respond to her posts here. And Im *pretty sure* it's against SI rules.
Im glad she's posting. She clearly needs help..where better than SI to find out how to go about it?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Perhaps something similar is happening with you being around fellow LEOs. I think this trip is helping center you. I encourage you not to read her posts and do your best to stay on you. I know it's easier said than done, but I can think of no other way to say it
[This message edited by whipmorgan at 4:37 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
This is the best time of year to walk or run around "the pond." Smelling the cherry blossoms as you pound pavement and they dance around you with each breeze. It's such a calming experience in the middle of such an important city. Stop and watch the ducks. They live in the moment.
There are benches there where you can just sit down and put things into perspective. I hope you do.
D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.
I hope you're enjoying your time in DC. Enjoy the company of your brothers (and sisters) in blue, get your head straight and then go home to do what you feel is right for you as regards your situation.
Sending positive vibes in your direction.
Married - 2008
PA with boss for 5 months in 2013
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
At this stage, I'm basically bulletproof.
I’m glad your wife is posting.
Whether you two reconcile or not isn’t really the main issue right now. That’s something that might or might not happen. What is definite though is the fact that you two will co-parent and will always have to have some interaction simply because of your kids. To that end you need to be able to interact and communicate at some level. To that end you should hope – totally irrespective of whether you reconcile or not – that she too makes it out of infidelity.
Heck SWAT – if all these posters telling you she is such a nut-case and what not are correct – and if you believe them – you should be gunning for custody because she would be a dangerous mother. If she has no chance of recovery, no chance of redemption… then you should be planning to make your kids safe.
But I think you KNOW your wife is really a misguided, confused and sick person and not an innately BAD person. What and where she is right now is not what she wants to be and with help she too can get out of infidelity.
Whether it’s with you or without is a totally different issue.
Once again I’m going to refer to your training. You probably recognize the tense situations LEO’s get into. You arrive at a scene and have two or more people ready to go ballistic, arguing over some issue. Sometimes the best solution is to divert, let time pass and defuse the situation. Once everything is calm you can get the parties to settle the situation in an agreeable way.
Enjoy your time off. Spend it in good company. Go for walks. Eat good meals. Drink in moderation. Focus on the good things in your life – your children, your career, your friends. Refuse to entertain the bad thoughts. This is a marathon and it’s OK to take time off from the misery. It will be there when you return.
Only you can make the decision to stay or go. On SI we only know whats said by you and maybe your WW. But I know theres allot more to it than whats said. This stuff is complicated
You gave your WW a chance and she violated your trust and sought out her OM. What you choose to do about that is up to you.
I can offer little advice other than to say that only you will know when you are truly done. So take this time alone to forget about the problem for a little while. Then come back to it with a fresh mind.
if all these posters telling you she is such a nut-case and what not are correct – and if you believe them – you should be gunning for custody because she would be a dangerous mother. If she has no chance of recovery, no chance of redemption… then you should be planning to make your kids safe.
No one, IMO, has no chance of redemption. We all are human. Fucking up is a part of this wonderful gift of life on the planet. It is what you do about it that defines you as a person and a partner.
Having said that-
SWAT, by his own admission, has been unable to establish healthy boundaries in regards to her entitlement. It is a long term problem that is only more keenly come to light post affair.
But I think you KNOW your wife is really a misguided, confused and sick person and not an innately BAD person.
I think her behavior has been very, very bad. I don't think it has to define her for the rest of her life, but I don't think anyone does Mrs. SWAT a service by saying that her behavior was simply misguided.
The most recent example of manipulation was involving her brothers help and approval in breaking NC. SWAT didn't take her to DC. Suddenly she meets OM to tell him to leave her alone? Not sure that passes the smell test all the way. Maybe she did want to tell OM to go away, but how do you separate that from the fact that breaking NC in the face of being left at home is a pretty big FU to SWAT?
She has had no problem making decisions for her marriage without the consent of her spouse and acting on them. That includes several instances post A.
This isn't a wounded bird caught in the snare of the mustache twisting evil OM. She is a party to the affair. She went there. And she involved his workmates and her family in her betrayal and breaking NC. Whatever her intention, she substituted her judgment and needs over that of the commitment she made to her BS.
Are these insurmountable issues? No. Change is possible. If anything the board has proven, it is that dedicated and loving people can some out the other side.
Stronger. And in love.
But own the shit. All of it. Look at it as what it is. Not through the prism of what it is easy to digest.
That does take time. No one does this is a week or a month.
You can't change ingrained behavior, even as you recognize it, over night. It takes time and a whole hell of a lot practice(and failure).
And unfortunately failure is a part of the process for most of us. Is this failure a deal breaker? Only SWAT has the right to decide that. Taking this time to think about it is important. I would urge you, as I have in the past, to use this time you have now to consider what your dealbreakers are- including if this iss one.
If it is not-
What R would have to be like for you to try...
I do have empathy for the both of you. I hope that you both can look hard at this, set solid and firm boundaries for R and start baby stepping it to R.
[This message edited by redrock at 6:10 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
It's a roller coaster. You can be fine one minute and a blubbering mess the next. That's OK. We'll support you.
If you need to vent, vent. If you need to ask questions, ask away. If you need to post, post. You're not alone.